On the Subject of Filth

On The Subject of  Filth


“Really? She’s using this book as the class textbook! Is this some kind of bad joke?!”

“Well damn! I had no idea Glynda was into that kinda stuff!”

As one of Remnant’s most prestigious and foremost Hunstman Academies, Beacon had to deal with many realities. There were many aspects to taking raw Combat School graduates and forging them into the world’s saviors: providing food, lodgings, and education were only the basics. It also had to deal with the fact that these were teenagers struggling with their hormones.

The fact that, by some strange, unexplainable coincidence, Huntsmen-in-Training tended to be by far and away some of the most attractive young people to walk the earth, complicated this.

And so, after a string of…indecencies that happened a handful of years ago, the academy began offering its students instruction on the “ins and outs” of the human/Faunus body. They called it ‘Sexual Information and Educational Instruction Courses’, or more colloquially, ‘Sex Ed’.

To the shock, dismay, and in some cases delight of the students, this year’s instructor was Glynda Goodwitch.

Every student of Beacon had to take it before they graduated. Team RWBY decided to sign up it for their second semester. Quoth the Weiss, “Let’s…just get this awkward business out of the way sooner rather than later, shall we?” and the rest of her teammates agreed heartily.

It seemed simple enough. Surely, thought Team RWBY, this would just be like their anatomy classes, except instead of talking about digestive systems and neurons they’d be talking about reproductive organs.

When they found their class textbook in the school bookstore, they realized how wrong they were.

“Ninjas of Love!” screeched Weiss as she held up the offending book. Its black and red cover, bearing splotchy crimson font and a pair of come-hither eyes looking through a slit, seemed to gaze innocently back at Team RWBY. “Of all the stupid books in the world Miss Goodwitch picks this piece of trash?!”

“It’s not trash, it’s a classic romance novel!”

Weiss, Yang, and Ruby snapped their heads to stare at Blake. The cat-Faunus gasped as she realized what she just blurted out.

“Oh please,” said Weiss, sneering, “if this is a classic then Ruby’s diary is a Shockspearean masterpiece.”

“H-hey…” whimpered the owner of said diary. Blake ignored her, a blush creeping onto her cheeks.

“Just because you’re not open-minded enough to recognize great literature when you see it doesn’t mean—“ Her amber eyes narrowed.

“Wait, how do you even know it’s ‘trash’? Have you read it before?”

The heiress blushed harder than Blake, eyes trying to look at anything but her teammates. “Wh-wh-what?! Don’t be ridiculous! I’d rather be dead than get caught reading this sort of—“

“Hiromi x Yatsuo OTP,” muttered Blake under her breath. Weiss responded immediately.

“Oh please, Hiroyatsu’s for plebians. The real pairing is…” It was her turn for the rest of the team to stare at her.

“Dammit,” she groused.

“A-a-anyways,” said Weiss, growling at Ruby’s giggling, Yang laughing her head off, and Blake’s utterly smug expression. “AHEM. ANYWAYS. I don’t understand what Professor Goodwitch is doing here—assigning us to read this piece of tr—fine literature for SIEIC? How will this help any of us other than exposing us to nigh-on pornography?”

Yang raised her eyebrow. “’SIEIC’? That’s what you’re calling it?”

“Well what am I supposed to call it?!”

“’Sex Ed’, like every other normal human being?”

The heiress groaned as she buried her face in her palms. “I…whatever, Ruby hasn’t brained me in the head with Crescent Rose nearly enough times for me to deal with any of this. Let’s just get our books and leave.”

“Eh, sure,” said Yang with a shrug.

As the girls lined up to purchase their texts, Ruby gave her copy of Ninjas a once-over, frowning in confusion. “Yang, I don’t get it. What do ninjas have to do with love? Are they trying to assassinate one of those fat angel babies that shoot hearts at people, or something?”

It was in that moment Yang realized that, very soon, her innocent little sister was no longer going to be so innocent. The world was a dirty, filthy place, and she needed to protect her precious baby Rubes from that as long as she could.

“Well, sis,” said Yang as she handed the cashier her books, “once upon a time a little angel baby brought great dishonor on a ninja clan…”

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When the first day of SIE—err, sex ed classes approached, Team RWBY had no idea what to expect.

Weiss found that preparing for it was a very strange experience. Normally she preferred studying in their dorm room at her own desk—as Neptune once pointed out, the library was a place for reading in name only.

This time, though…

Well. Some people were perfectly fine with reading pornography in the same room as their best friends. Weiss was not one of them.

Why, oh why, did her entire team consist of such wondrously attractive girls? Every time she read about Hiromi’s “sumptuous breasts” or “milk-white hips” she caught her eye wandering over to Yang (how does she not topple over from being so…top heavy?), or to Blake (I wish her pajamas wouldn’t accent those amazing thighs so much…), or to—Oum forbid—Ruby Rose. A socially awkward dork like her had no right being so adorable, or wearing that tight little black tanktop that showed off all her—

Woah there, Weiss. Hold your horses. Down that path madness, pain, and a very, very angry Yang lie. The young heiress had to take a few Freeze Dust crystals with her to the bath that evening.

All of this was nothing, however, compared to the actual class itself. Team RWBY didn’t know what hit them, even as it was happening.

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“Good afternoon, students, and welcome to Sexual Information and Educational Instruction Class.”

Professor Glynda Goodwitch stood on the podium, her pale green eyes as sharp as ever and dressed in her usual, impeccable white blouse and black pencil skirt ensemble. She held her signature riding crop in her left hand, absentmindedly tapping it as she spoke.

“I’d like to remind you that although the nature of this course may seem…unusual compared to some of the others you’ve been taking, learning to manage your sexual behavior during your four years at Beacon is a very important part of your education.” The professor slowly paced the podium. “We at Beacon recognize that exploring your sexual lives is a critical part of your development, and realize that we ultimately cannot stop every single one of you from engaging in intercourse—no matter how hard we try, some of you will inevitably slip the proverbial net.” A handful of students went red at that.

“So instead,” continued Goodwitch, “we will teach you how to do things properly when the time comes: how to engage in safe sex, communication between partners, the function and purpose of your anatomies, etcetera.”

She waved her riding crop at her dog-eared copy of Ninjas of Love. “We will begin with a typical encounter between two sexual partners.” Pale green eyes looked up at Weiss’ ice-blue.

“Miss Schnee, if you could read aloud the first full paragraph on page sixty-nine?”

Weiss sat there, frozen like a deer caught in headlights, while the entire rest of the class either gawped at her or started sniggering. She knew what the scene the first paragraph on page sixty-nine described. They were not things spoken of in polite company.

Goodwitch’s cold voice broke her out of her terror. “…Miss Schnee? If you’d please.”

Scrambling, the Schnee heiress hastily flipped her book over to the right page and found the passage in question. She stood up slowly on trembling knees and tried very hard to not look at anyone or anything other than Ninjas of Love.

“Ya…Yatsuo used his dexterous fingers to slide the smooth silk off of Hiromi’s luscious body, exposing her—her pale…breasts…to the night air,” she said through gritted teeth. “He lowered himself onto her, tongue tasting her pillowy mounds, turning his tongue in slow circles around her…areola. ‘Oh Yatsuo,’ she moaned through her facemask, ‘sheathe your katana in me, you handsome shinobi, you.’”

Her face the color of a ripe tomato, Weiss continued. “He unsheathed his chokuto, which Hiromi marveled at. She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he…came…all over her-her face. She had gagged and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting g-glans across her ch-cheeks and…chin.”  Whimpering, Weiss made an unintelligible noise and collapsed back in her seat.

“Very good, Miss Schnee,” said the professor. A handful of students glanced at Weiss and sniggered, while Yang and Blake cringed in sympathy. The heiress swore to kill each and every one of them by Dust-combustion before the day was out.

Ruby on the other hand, seemed strangely…stiff in her seat.

Before the heiress could inquire about her partner, however, Goodwitch had already moved on.

“As the passage Miss Schnee just read demonstrated, physical contact between partners is the quintessential part of sexual intercourse…”

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“That was a thing,” muttered Blake as she and Yang sat alone in Team RWBY’s dorm room. Weiss had fled to the bathroom, presumably to drown herself out of shame, while Ruby had mysteriously stomped off somewhere. Yang might have been concerned that her innocent flower of a sister had snuck off somewhere to…deal with her arousal, had she herself not been so distracted.

Blake raised an eyebrow. “Yang? You alright?”

“Wha? Oh! Yeah, I’m 100% totally peachy, Blakey,” Yang said nervously, “just, uh, thinking about some stuff.”

Amber eyes narrowed. “Penny for your thoughts?”

The normally indomitable Yang Xiao Long shrank back. “I-i-it’s nothing.”

 The cat-Faunus studied her partner for a moment, who was busy fidgeting and refusing to meet her eyes. Any other day, she would have assumed Yang was either sick or hiding some huge secret, but the blonde only started acting like this since Goodwitch’s class…

Rising from her seat, Blake quietly sauntered over to her partner. Yang didn’t even notice the cat-Faunus approaching as Blake put her mouth close to Yang’s ear.

“Clitoris,” she whispered. Yang jumped back as if hit by lightning and went cherry-red.

“B-B-Blake! What the heck?!” Blake smirked, both amused and intrigued.

“What’s wrong, Yang? I’m just telling you about the human reproductive system, no need to freak out about it.”

“W-well, go do that somewhere else, wouldya?” said Yang, blushing even deeper. Something mischievously feline awoke inside Blake.

Time to see how far this rabbit hole goes.

“Labia.”

Yang yelped, covering her hands with her mouth.

“Jam it right in her pussy.”

The blonde crammed her hands over her ears, muttering something about hearing no evil.

Blake started to giggle. “Yang, what’s wrong with you? You’re freaking out over a bunch of words.” Something in her brain clicked. “Hold on…”

“…are you a prude?”

Yang’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates before she let out a nervous laugh and tried to wave Blake off.

“Ah, ah ha ha! Blake, come on! Prude? Me? I’m Yang ‘Five Boyfriends At The Same Time’ Xiao Long! I did all sortsa nasty stuff back in Signal, I—”

“Yang.”

“I mean, pssh! Please, maybe Ruby but me? Like I wouldn’t—“

“Yang.” Blake gave her a little smirk. “Tell me how babies are made.”

The blonde fireball went as pale as Weiss as she cast her eyes about the room. “Uhm, uh, well, the, uh, the pee-pee—“

“’Pee-pee’? Really?”

“—penis goes into the, uh…” Yang looked away and continued in a very small voice. “…into the…baby hole.”

It took Blake a full minute to stop laughing.

“Fine!” shouted Yang as she tried and failed to smother the guffawing Blake with a pillow. “I just wanted to keep up my ‘cool party girl’ image, alright?! I’ve never slept with anyone, the only d-dick I’ve ever seen was my dad’s one time when I was really little, and I’ve only held hands with my boyfriends!” Huffing, she crossed her arms and looked away. “You happy now?”

“No offense,” wheezed Blake, “but you always dress so…showy. It gives people a certain impression.”

Yang pouted. “It’s for heat ventilation. I need to expose more skin so I can cool off more easily.”

A giggle. “Yang ‘Master of the Spit Roast’ Xiao Long, was it?”

“Shaddap,” groused Yang. She shuddered. “It’s just…so filthy. How do people do that stuff without getting grossed out?”

Blake opened her mouth to respond, but paused when her devilish mind came up with an idea. Wearing a cheshire-cat smile, she sat down next to Yang and leaned over, purring.

“I could show you, Yang. Teach you aaaall about how the rest of us filthy people do it..”

The blonde’s pupils suddenly grew very, very small.

“B-Blake…?”

Internally, Blake was sniggering again. Outside, however, she put on her best impression of a femme fatale. “I’m sure Goodwitch wouldn’t mind us…practicing some of the stuff we saw in our textbook. Wouldn’t you agree? It’s all very educational.”

Yang whimpered as her partner’s hot breath tickled her ear. “Blake…”

“I could call Sun. He knows a couple of things…”

“Nnnh…”

“You know what his Semblance is, right?” whispered Blake in a husky voice. “Three times the Sun…”

She ran a pale hand down Yang’s rich yellow hair. Any other day the blonde would have snapped her goddamn paw off, but today…

“…three times the fun.”

The bathroom door flew open.

“Yang, Blake, have you guys seen my—“ Weiss came to a standstill when she saw Yang and Blake. Blake was crawling towards her partner, her right hand stretched out towards Yang to do…something, while Yang looked for all the world like a blushing maiden on the night of her wedding. The cat-Faunus looked like, well, a cat caught red-handed trying to steal the goldfish out of the bowl.

“I regret deciding to not drown myself,” muttered Weiss as she marched back into the bathroom.

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It all culminated (climaxed, even) in the seventh class.

The students expected Goodwitch to teach them about anatomy, safe sex techniques, and other, responsible things. They didn’t expect her to teach them how to perform the various sex positions found in Ninjas of Love.

They especially didn’t expect her to teach them said positions the way she did. (Goodwitch, evidently, was quite adamant about the ‘instruction’ part of ‘SIEIC’.)

“Today, class, we will continue where we left off yesterday regarding positions of the partners during sexual intercourse. We will begin with the most commonly used position by couples, ‘The Missionary’. I believe interactive learning is best, so I will need a volunteer.”

To the total amazement of everyone in the class, the professor began taking her skirt off. She didn’t stop at her underwear either.

“Anyone?” she asked. Somehow, the stoic woman was completely and utterly blasé about the fact her entire lower body was 100% nude. “Male or female, I care not which—for the female students, I brought with me supplementary equipment to assist with the demonstration.” The professor gestured towards the box of strap-ons they had used two classes ago.

The students stared at her, not comprehending what was unfolding before them (though not all of them were looking her in the eyes, per se). As they slowly understood that no, this was not a dream or a drug-induced trip into a fantasy realm, this was entirely real, the students looked to one another and hoped someone was brave enough to volunteer…and if no one did, that they wouldn’t be the one chosen.

All except one. There was only one man foolish enough to think he could handle Glynda Friggin’ Goodwitch: Cardin Winchester. The professor didn’t hesitate calling him forward when he raised his hand. His team gave him bro-fists and thumbs up as he rose and walked down towards the podium, the fierce grin on his face masking his growing sense of trepidation.

“Now, class, I’d like for you to pay careful attention to the position of my and Mr. Winchester’s anatomies as we begin.” Ice-cold green eyes surveyed the room as she positioned herself atop a table next to the podium, which had some bedding on it to make the demonstration more…comfortable. “You may turn your book to page four-hundred and twenty for reference, where Yatsuo and Hanako engage in this very position for love-making.”

She turned to Cardin, who was staring at the valley between her splayed legs.

“Mr. Winchester, you’ll have to remove your pants if you wish to engage in this exercise. Oh, and please make sure you put on a condom.”

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Fifteen minutes later, the demonstration was over. Almost every single student in the room gazed upon the display with horror, excitement, or, in some cases, a bizarre mix of both.

“It’s…it’s everywhere…” whined Jaune as he held his head in his hands. “I think some of it landed on my face…oh gods...”

Nora, on the other hand, grinned with glee. “Now THAT’S a katana!” Ren nodded sagely in agreement.

Team RWBY, meanwhile, responded with a general sense of nausea. None of them came to Beacon to watch Cardin have incredibly awkward, wooden sex with one of their professors, and yet it happened. Yang, Weiss, and Blake each quietly wished they knew someone with a memory Semblance so they could forget what they had just witnessed.

Ruby, however, still sat as stiff as a board and as quiet as a dormouse. Her head was lowered, her red-tipped bangs obscuring her silver eyes.

“Thank you for volunteering, Mr. Winchester,” said Glynda Goodwitch as she calmly toweled herself off, “you may return to your seat.” In an utter daze, Cardin lurched back towards his desk like some sort of dripping, pantsless zombie, every person in the room flinching away from him as he passed by.

“Now, due to an emergency faculty meeting I’m afraid I’ll have to cut today’s class short. However, please remember that there will be a practical examination next week for the positions we’ve reviewed thus far. Make sure to both study the textbook and to find a partner to practice with. Dismissed.”

The students practically fled the room.

Back in their dorm, Team RWBY set about the awkward task of figuring out who was going to practice with whom. Or at least, Yang, Blake, and Weiss did—Ruby still remained as silent as she did since the first day of class.

“Sucks for whoever gets stuck with Weiss, huh? ‘Cuz she’s a cold-fish? Eh? Eh?”

“Yang, shut up.”

Turning to the person who would most likely wind up ‘practicing’ with her, Weiss prodded her partner in the shoulder as she glared. “Ruby? We’re trying to determine how we’re going to…arrange things for this dreadful exercise. Pay attention.” The girl from Patch kept her head lowered, silent as the grave.

“Ruby? Ruby! Remnant to Ruby, wake up please—“

The heiress nearly jumped out of her skin when Ruby sprang up and grabbed her by the shoulders.

“WEISS!” screamed Ruby. Her partner noted the wild madness in those silver eyes with something approaching pants-wetting terror.

“Y-y-yes, Ruby?”

The team-leader dragged her partner’s face so close they were mere inches away. Weiss could feel Ruby’s hot breath on her lips.

“THIS CLASS IS FILTH! FIIIIIIIILTH!”

And with that, she Semblanced out the door, screeching “FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY”, leaving a trail of rose petals as she went.

A pregnant pause filled the room.

“So…think we could study for Goodwitch’s test with a threesome?” said Blake.

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Elsewhere in Menagerie, Khali Belladonna typed away on her Scroll. That was the nice thing about being the housewife to Menagerie’s chieftain, she mused. Once you’ve done a few chores, the rest of the day was yours to pursue whatever hobby you wished.

Between that and Ghira’s loving encouragement, Khali decided to take up a hobby she’d long dreamed to take up but rarely had time for back when she was busy with managing the old White Fang: writing.

She stretched her stiff shoulders. She’d been going at it for a solid four hours now without rest, and she could use a break. Some tea would be nice, she thought, and she could bring some to Ghira to stretch her legs out a little bit. So the first lady of Menagerie rose from her seat and made her way to the kitchen.

On her Scroll, the piece of literature she’d been working on flashed on the word processor. It was nearly complete, the third work in her series, sure to be her greatest masterpiece yet. With the royalties she could make off of this one, Menagerie could finally afford some much-needed repairs to its ailing infrastructure.

The document’s file name blinked at the top of the Scroll screen.

It was called Ninjas of Love 3: The Lovening.

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Omake: Team JNPR

“That class was unbelievable. Like, I literally can’t believe what just happened.”

Jaune Arc, intrepid leader of Team JNPR and all-around loser in the arts of love, sat heavily on his bed as he struggled to stop his mind from replaying the events of that class.

Glynda Goodwitch? Perfectly fine. Probably one of the most attractive women he’d ever met or would meet in his entire life, despite her ice-cold exterior. A deep, primal part of him absolutely did not mind seeing her nude.

Glynda Goodwitch with Cardin Winchester? There was not enough Burn Dust on Remnant to purge that memory from his brain.

“It was…certainly educational,” offered Ren, who seemed unsteady on his feet. Nora, on the other hand, was as energetic as ever.

“We should totally figure out who’s gonna practice with who to study for next week’s exam!” she announced, pointing dramatically at the ceiling. She grinned and pressed herself against Ren, blushing.

“I call dibs on Ren!” she said, aiming a mischievous wink at Pyrrha and Jaune.

Strangely, Pyrrha seemed surprisingly calm despite all the madness.

“I agree, Nora, it makes sense for each of us to go with our partners for our study groups.” She smiled and nodded at Jaune.

“Jaune, since we just got back from a demonstration, how about we practice right now?”

Jaune nodded, taken off-guard.

“Uh, yeah, sure! I don’t have any plans for the rest of the day so—wait what”

The JNR of Team JNPR stared at the red-haired warrior.

“You…want to practice the positions,” tried Jaune.

“I do!”

“…which entails basically having…s-sex…?”

“That is what they’re for!” said Pyrrha with a bright smile.

“Right this second?”

“Correct!”

“With me?”

“Who else?”

Nora, Jaune, and Ren shared looks with each other before they turned back to Pyrrha.

“Pyrrha, I don’t get it,” said Nora. “You were, like, sohung up on just asking Jaune to the dance, why are you totally ok with playing ‘hide the zucchini’ with him all of a sudden?” Pyrrha simply giggled.

“I always forget you guys have such hangups about sex. Where I’m from, it’s just a thing you do, like playing a sport or cooking together—it’s fun, it gets you some exercise, and it helps you get closer to the other person.” She blushed, fidgeting with her fingers as she looked away. “Courtship, though...th-that’s a little different.” It didn’t take her long to recover, though, and soon enough she looked back at Jaune and gave him a cheery smile.

“Anyways, no time like the present! Let’s get started, Jaune.” And with that, Pyrrha started tossing off her clothing right then and there.

Nora and Ren gave each other looks before the former gave Jaune a nervous laugh. “Hey, boss-man, uh, Ren and I have to go out and, uh, do something really quick. Maybe each other.” She gave him a salute. “Try not to break him, Pyrrha!”

“No worries! “It’ll be just like our rooftop training sessions.” said Pyrrha as Nora and Ren practically fled the room. Emerald eyes—always so warm and kind—now narrowed in predatory hunger as the nude Pyrrha stalked towards her partner, who sat stock-still with his eyes the size of dinner plates. She growled to her partner as she gently caressed his trembling face.

“Hot, sweaty, and me taking the lead.”