on love life problems

Have you ever stopped to notice you fell for someone you never expected? I mean, just off the cuff. I know it's outta nowhere but I just wanna get it off my chest while we're in your office with no one around. 'Specially with no one around. Don't need the preacher man hearin' any of this shit. Last time I trusted a preacher, I got all these lash scars. But that's gettin' off base. Back to the topic at hand.

Y'know, when we were first startin' out with these sessions I said I was scared with him around. Hobo Jesus, I mean. Well, okay, I guess I should start callin' him what I've actually been callin' him. I know I was scared with Thunderpants around... what? Okay, okay. His real name's Roscoe. Still gonna call him Thunderpants. I like that name for him. Anyway, but... now we've actually talked and, he's been true to his word, and... fuck. He listens. I mean, so do you. So does Anya. And you know how precious you two are to me? I mean, in different ways, but the point's still there. There's a reason I ran out to try and save her, and there's a reason you're the first person I called. Turns out I need a lot of listeners in my life. I guess I'd consider that important to me, yeah.

He's seen his fair share of shit, too. Was out at war, then he lost his sire who I guess he was stupid close to. She sounds like she was nice. And it's like, fuck. I can't help but feel like I wanna hear him out, too. I wanna be the sounding board. It's the least I can do for being a never-ending stream of bullshit, y'know? I got so many problems, it's about time I tried to help with someone else's. I hope I do a good job. He deserves it.

Sure does feel nice, too. I know what you're thinkin'. Isn't that takin' things a little fast? Does it make it better if I say I mean that platonically... er, kinda? You already know. Touch is all I got, touch and hearin'. It helps me get a picture in my head if I memorize how they feel. He's built, but not too built. He ain't a meat-wall, and I like that. A lot of scruff, too. Normally I'm not into that texture but... I dunno, it works for him. Feels like he's got some scars of his own, makes him... interestin'. This must sound so weird to you, huh? Bet it does. But it's what I got.

I took them in to meet Reva the other night. Felt like the right thing to do. I wanted to visit anyway, and she's already buddies with Anya's sister anyway. She described them for me. Why'd we never think to do that before? It helps me picture them so much... she sounds beautiful. He sounds handsome. I'm surrounded by apparently attractive people. Still wish I could see it.

See these earrings? He picked 'em. How do they look? Don't think I ever wore earrings for more than a week before. Wish I could tell myself how they look... good? They look good? Heh, I'm glad. Turns out we both needed to go clothes shopping. That was a nice night. I feel nicer, even. Less gross. Less like a hobo. Eh? My hair? Yeah, that was Anya. She likes to brush it when we're just hangin' around. It bothered me at first but... I guess I don't mind so much. It's kinda nice. She can see it, better she make it look nice than I go around lookin' like a brillo pad all the time.

Same goes with a lot of things. It's nice to have folks around to help you get your pants on right side in. Maybe I'm not as self-sufficient as I thought. Takes a lot to admit it, but... yeah, I need help doing things. It was a nice run, pretendin' I could do it all on my own. I can't. But that's okay. I think I got some of the best help I could ask for, between you and them.

But anyway... hell. Now I kinda want him to get involved. He did me so much of a solid, and keeps bein' great, and I just... can't even deal with this. I need help. In a completely different way this time. Marine, how do you handle this? I've never been good at this emotion bullshit. Is fallin' for two people a thing? Like, do people do that? Am I weird or is this okay? I know threesomes are a thing but is there, like... a relationship equivalent?

...Damn, goes to show just how repressed I am. Never bothered to stop and smell the pheromones, thanks elders. Ugh.

I know you don't need to hear about my stupid love life problems, or... any of my stupid problems. Thanks for takin' time out of your day to hear me out anyway. You're the best.

I mean it.