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- >Wake up
- >Do the double S.
- >Don't shave because that takes away your beard.
- >The beard you need to be considered a , "Professional Lumber Jack."
- >Throw on your denim overalls and plaid shirt.
- >Head down stairs for a trusty Lumber Jack breakfast consisting of; flapjacks, grits, and chips of the oak tree you chopped down yesterday.
- "WEIRD! I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT MENACE WOULD BE HERE BY NOW." You say with your booming Lumber Jack voice echoing throughout the house.
- >Wash your dishes and walk over to your trusty ax-.
- "WHAT?! WHERE IS BERTHA MY TRUSTY AX, MY TRUSTY AX BERTHA?"
- >JUST THE- whoops, sorry about that. Just then three soft knocks cutoff your tantrum.
- >The door swings open to reveal LumberShy!
- >She sports a beard and a hearty Lumber Jack laugh.
- >The Canadian flag flows behind her as she shot-guns two bottles of maple syrup.
- >"I heard you were into Lumber Jacks."
- "FLUTTERSHY THERE IS NO TIME FOR THI- WHAT IS THAT?"
- >You point to an object slung around her shoulder.
- >"O-oh this? It's just my trusty ax." She says proudly with a puffed out chest.
- >You snatch it from her.
- >Engraved in the handle it say 'BERTHA MY TRUSTY AX.'
- >Rage engulfs your usually gentle Lumber Jack mind.
- "FOOL!"
- >Fluttershy jumps back in fear.
- "YOU CAN NEVER BE A REAL LUMBER JACK. THE FIRST LAW OF LUMBER JACK CODE IS TO NEVER CLAIM A LUMBER JACK'S AX AS YOUR OWN, EVEN IN DEATH."
- >She begins to shake.
- "AND LOOK, YOUR BEARD ISN'T EVEN REAL." Your voice begins to shake the house as you tear of Fluttershy's fake beard.
- "YOU HAVE COMMITTED THE TWO DEADLIEST SINS OF THE LUMBER JACKS."
- "NOW YOU MUST BE PUNISHED."
- >Fluttershy then starts urinating all over the floor.
- >Look down at the puddle of piss, then back up to Fluttershy.
- "MAKE THAT THREE SINS!"
- "BEARD! UNLOAD A WORLD OF HELL ON THIS EVIL DOER!"
- >Your beard comes to life.
- >It begins to put the smack down on Fluttershy.
- >All you can do is watch a horrible sight that could have been avoided.
- >Your beard the brings Fluttershy close your face.
- "ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO SAY BEFORE MY BEARD SENDS YOU TO YOUR FATE?"
- >Words slowly leak out of Fluttershy's bleeding mouth.
- >"A-are piles of freshly chopped wood your fet-ish?"
- >You look behind her to see a neatly stack and color coordinated pile of wood.
- >Drop her.
- "THIS.... THIS IS THE WORK OF A MASTER LUMBER JACK!"
- >Fluttershy immediately shoots up.
- >"So is it your fetish?"
- "NOPE."
- >Your beard throws Fluttershy out of the atmosphere.
- "GOOD JOB BEARD. HERE'S A BEARD SNACK."
- >You toss a pound of bacon into your beard.
- >It eats it and burps in satisfaction.
- >Let out a hard Lumber Jack laugh.
- "TODAY WAS A LUMBER JACK DAY."
- Fin
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