Feel Like Shit in Equestria (Oneshot)

Day I-Feel-Like-absolute-shit in Equestria
>You are Anonymous, Anon to friends.  Devourer of worlds.
>Not really.
>You're just a pretty normal guy who one day woke up in magic p0ny world.
>And things have been going pretty good for the past few months.
>All sorts of hi-jinks and adventures that wouldn't make for a bad children's show.
>And the p0nies in town have grown to accept you as one of their own.  Aside from that drunk whatever her name is.
>A few in particular have taken an interest in you.
>Twi likes to study you, and often-times, you find yourself spending the day with purple-smart simply discussing the nature of your world and theirs.
>Dash loves a good competition, and although you aren't the strongest anon around, you can usually keep up with her when you put your mind to it.
>Applejack is a great friend, and the two of you have a cool little thing going on.  Not quite lovers, but definitely more than friends.
>Although, she'd probably be willing to be your "marefriend", it's just the whole different species thing that's keeping you form going any further than you have.
>And then there are the weirdos.
>Lyra,  The drunk, Fluttershy, Pink one, and that little white one, Rarity's sister.
>They all have some odd fascination with you.
>Lyra seems to covet your hands, and sometimes, when you find yourself alone with her, you fear  for your manipulatory organs.  She's a [spoiler] good [/spoiler] friend though.
>The drunk seems to hate you, but you honestly cannot figure out why, you've literally never even spoken with her before.  She's weird.
1/?

>Fluttershy and the little marshmallow one were the worst though.
>They were infatuated with you, If you were a more cynical anon, you'd call them rapists.
>Ah hell, they're rapists.
>Except, they're so bumbling and awkward in their schemes, they more often than not fail before even getting started.
>Today has been one of the few times they actually managed to get outta the gate.
>Although, you can't really make heads or tails of their plot this time around.
>The day started off normally.
>You rose from your bedchambers, and went about your morning routine.
>You had your breakfast of champions, and thought it tasted a bit weird, but disregarded the thought.
>Big mistake that.
>Turns out, the devilish duo had added a secret ingredient to your breakfast.
>Whatever it was, it likely did not have it's intended effect, because as far as you can tell, the only effect it's had, has been to make you violently ill.
>You gave them what for though.  With the last of your strength, you found them hiding under your couch, and threw them out onto a patch of mud.
>But now you're faced with a decision.  Should you attempt to head out, and find someone to maybe cure whatever you've been afflicted with?  Or should you just stay around here, maybe get some sleep, and tough it out?
>Hmmm. Decisions
2/?

>You decide after a few minutes spent pacing, that you'll be a man, and head out to see if you can't find a particular denizen of the Everfree forest.
>But you're in no condition for any great physical exertion, so you'll go in as sneaky-sneaky as you can.
>This means, you'll need some supplies.
>Nothing too difficult to acquire, but it would go by faster with some assistance.
>Who to ask though?
>Pinkie might be able to just acquire the items instantaneously, but your sour health and mood mean you want nothing to do with her until you're better.
>Dash is a speed demon,  which is a definite plus.  However, she's a bitch and you hate her, so no.
>Applejack will probably be busy, and she'd probably try to force you to stay in bed, so no.
>Rarity will want nothing to do with you seeing as you're now a sick mess, generous my ass!
>Twilight gets a no, because she'd likely be more interested in watching you be sick than help you get over it.  Science can be cruel.
>Who else do you know?
>Lyra, The CMC(minus the marshmallow one), BonBon, Big Mac, Spike, Those retards, and the lesbian musicians.
>You need more guy friends.
>[spoiler] No homo. [/spoiler]
3/?

>Spike wouldn't be much help, he's still a kid after all.
>It's also too early to speak with Vinyl, she's practically vampire for how much she avoids the sun.
>Octavia makes you feel certain feels whenever the two of you are alone, so that's a no go.
>Big Mac would probably be busy too.
>Lyra seems like the best choice Bonny doesn't really like you though.  The CMC are adorable, but fairly useless; and they aren't the retards (to you) for nothing.
>Lyra it is then.
>You head off with your pockets full of tissues to wipe your nose on, and make it to the Lyre playing P0ni's abode before literally coughing out a lung.
>It takes off muttering something about revenge.
>You're beginning to question your own perception of reality.
>Perhaps you should have stayed home after all.
>Too late to turn back now (not really, you're just stubborn), you shake your head, kill a damn fly, and knock on the door.
>Bon answers, keeping the door mostly closed.
>"Hello Anonymous, what do you want?"
>It is evident in her voice that she'd rather not be talking to you.
Heddo Boddy,  Is Dyra hobe?
>Wow!  You could barely even understand yourself.  Bon looks at you like you're an idiot, then closes the door on you.
>Before you can knock again, you hear her undoing the little chain lock, and the opening the door motioning for you to come in.
>You nod her a thanks, and head inside, being careful not to cough or sneeze on anything.
4/?

>You make your way through the home, that is apparently smaller on the outside than on the inside, and eventually arrive at a beaded curtain which serves as a doorway to Lyra's meditation room.
>You knock on the doorframe, not wanting to walk in on some weird tantric thing like last time, and hear some stuff fall over.
>"W-Wait a second, private time!"
>You are half tempted to barge in and see what exactly "private time" means, but you decide against it.
>You hear some rummaging inside the room, and after about a minute of twiddling your thumbs, you are about to go ahead anyway, when she sticks her head out through the beads to see who's there.
>"Anon!  Good-buddy, what it is?"
>You chuckle at her greeting, and give her some "hoof" before following her into her room.
>The room feels lived in.  Some might say that it looks like a mess, but to you it's comfortable.
Dyra,  I hab a-
>Yeah this isn't going to work, you need to keep your trap shut, because you doubt anyone enjoys hearing you talk like that.
>You motion for a pencil or quill or something and a pad to write.
>She understands what your asking for, and hands-err hoofs you a small pad and a piece of charcoal.
>You scribble your situation down for her, and as you wait for her to finish reading it, you hear her struggle to keep from laughing.
>"Well Anon, I can't say I'm surprised.  We all know how weird that particular pair of ponies gets when they're thinking of you.  They probably wanted to nurse you back to health."
5/?

>That seems plausible, you'd buy that.  You nod your head in agreement.
>"But see what i wanna know is why not let them?  Fluttershy in particular does have a knack for taking care of things, it is her special talent after all."
>You give her a deadpan look and she gets the meaning.
>"Right, i forgot about the whole 'rapey' thing"
>You nod your head again, gratified to know that at least Lyra believes you about it.
>"Plus as cute as she is, Sweetie Belle would probably cancel out any good Fluttershy managed to do for you."
>Lyra chuckles.
>"So!  What do you need?  Are ya' buying' anything?"
>Lyra opens her secret closet compartment, revealing odds and ends that don't seem too useful to the normally peaceful p0nies.
>You nod your head and pick out some of the wares.
>"Lyra feels a bit generous today, so she will lend you this for now."
>You raise an eyebrow at her third person self-mention, and put the small receiver into your ear.
>[spoiler] It's magic, aint gotta explain that shit [/spoiler]
>"I'll keep in contact, so if anything goes wrong like you see a manticore or something lemme know yeah?  Just push the little button on the side and I'll get Sparkle-butt to pull you out, she owes me a favor anyway."
>She walks you out to the door, and leans in close to you.
6/?

>"You bring that little favor back yeah?  And you owe me when this is through."
>You give her a sloppy smooch on the nose before quickly bolting for the forest's edge.
>"YA NASTY!"
>Lyra's voice catches up to you, and brings a smile to your face, speeding you on your way to your destination.
>As shit as you feel, you make good time through the dense foliage, occasionally slicing your way through vines and bushes.
>You stumble on a few nests of an unidentifiable(to you) animal, and quickly nope the fuck out.
>Eventually you do reach your destination, Zecora's hut a welcome inconsistency amongst the green and brown of the forest.
>"Who comes through the forest, destroying all in their way?  None other that the tall Anonymous creature I should say!"
>6/10
>You scribble your woes upon the pad and hand it over waiting for the zebra to finish.
>"An odd one that yellow meek, come inside an we'll see if I don't have what it is you seek."
>Eh, maybe today's an off day for her.
>You head inside her hut, being sure to say hello to the spirits in the masks, and take a seat.
>"If what I think is true, then this should help.  Here, for you."
>She hands you a small yellow vial, and you down it, almost puking at it's horrid flavor.
>"I know it tastes quite vile, but you'll find your illness gone, for a while."
>The zebra speaks the truth, as the horrid liquid settles in your stomach, you feel your nose clear up and your lungs settle down.
>You take a few experimental breaths, just to be sure you're good, and let out a relieved sigh.
Thanks Zecora, you're awesome.  What'll it be?
7/?

>The zebra puts a hoof to her chin, apparently thinking up a price for the medicine.
>"For services rendered, I will charge no fee.  All I ask is a night's company."
>Of course,  there has to be this kind of catch.
>Well, you do dig the accent, and to be honest, you could do with some release.
Deal, but not tonight yeah?  I have a favor to pay back.
>"I will come to you when the hour is late, and i wish to mate."
>Well she's definitely open about her desires.  That's cool, so long as she's not rape-y.
Cool, later Z.
>She waves you off, and you make your way back through the forest.
>You steer clear of the nests, and after a short while you're back in P0nyville proper.
>You head to Lyra's place, knock and go through a similar greeting as before.
>You head up to Lyra's room, and are greeted by her in a lovely little black dress.
>It's still kinda weird to see the ponies in clothes, but weird n a normally good way.
>"Anon."
Lyra
>Tonight you're "stuck" on a date with Lyra
>[spoiler] As if that's a bad thing [/spoiler]
>Much better than being stuck
>Fucking Fluttershy.
8/8

[spoiler] Super secret part 9
>The evening goes by swimmingly, you get some dinner, do some dancing, take a walk, and have a great time together.
>She spends the night with you.
>You wake up the next morning to minty fresh p0ni in an intimate embrace.
>Things are good.
>A week later, Zecora collects on her help.
>Girl's a freak.
>Lyra doesn't mind.
>Neither does AJ.
>You definitely don't
>BonBon does
>But that's how she always is.
>Aside from your inept stalkers, everything went better than expected.
9/8 [/spoiler]