Writefag Anon (Young Celestia)

>The shadow of a colt surrounds the object at the end of the hallway
>Even though he had to bypass the castle's security system, a modern marvel in and of itself
>The next 10 feet of the well-adorned passageway will probably be the most precarious of them all
>Lightly lifting his hooves off of the velvet rug, our hero inches his way towards the pedestal
>keeping an eye out for everything from transparent wires laced with diamond to slice any intruder
>To totems imbedded with alarms that could trigger from the slightest hint of sound within the room
>Only four feet away from the object, a trickle of sweat forms upon his brow
Nah, this is shit.
>You fold the parchment in half and tear it in two, tossing it into the nearby trashcan
>Why can't you finish this shitty short story for the Canterlot Daily?
>It's not like anyone reads your column anyway
>You are Anonymous, and you found yourself in magical horseland almost seven months ago
>Due to your 'dexterous' nature, and coincidential relations with Canterlot's #1 newspaper
>You were able to land a job writing a small column for a fantasy/thriller story
>Which pretty much translates to writing whatever the fuck you want to have happen within a pre-existing story
>Unfortunately for you, you seem to have written yourself into a corner
>This story is pretty shit
>Anyone who picks up a Canterlot Daily issue is only interested in the Noble drama anyway
Fffffuck...
>You take a swig of beer
>It's 2 in the afternoon and you're already starting to drink
>You walk into your kitchen and dump the rest down your sink
>A knock comes from your front door
Uh, hold up Francis.
>Fuck this landlord, didn't you just pay last week?
>You open the door to find two royal guards standing side-by-side glaring at you
>Oh god, did Francis find your stash?
C-can I help you two gentlecolts?
>"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna request your presence at the castle immediately. Please follow us."
>This can't be good.
>The guards lead you from your apartment through the fancier parts of the city
>As always, Canterlot Castle is in view from every street and alley
>You'd always seen it whenever you'd go buy groceries, or go to work
>Which were pretty much the only reasons you go outside any more
>Not too many ponies here are keen on making friends with you
>You would have thought everyone would have made a big deal about you showing up out of the blue
>But apparently no one really gives a shit
>Everyone assumes you're from some far-off country
>The castle gates open, and allow you and your two escorts to enter the grounds
>This'll be your first time meeting Celestia and Luna
>FUCK, what are you supposed to do?
>Of the thousands of Anons still on Earth, you get to be the one who meets based sunbutt and moonbutt
>From the millions back home, you get to be the one to bask in presence of the two most glorified rumps of the shittiest fandom ever
>What if you fuck up your introduction?
>Wait, how could you fuck it up?
>You got this shit
>Just stay cool and play it out
>It's not like you're demanding to see them
>They're demanding to see you
>Just let them say what they want and just dance to their tune
>Yeah, you got this
>The two guards turn from the hallway you're in into a large room with a table and four chairs
>"Wait here."
Sure thing.
>Fuck, now you gotta wait
>It feels weird waiting for two cartoon horse princesses to come talk to you
>Oh shit
>What if they know where you're from?
>What if they've been trying to keep humans out of Equestria?
>What if you're going to be sent back to Earth?
>Suddenly you don't got this
>You hear the sound of hooves tapping against granite
>Time's up
>You whipe a bead of sweat from your forehead
>H-here you go
>The door opens up, revealing two tiny pony children, one blue and the other white
>ohshitnigger.avi
>Looks like you're about a thousand years behind the show
>Celestia gives you a once-over with a look of disdain
>"And you are?"
Wait, what?
>"We asked for Umi the Mystique. Why are you here?"
>Umi the Mystique?
>The main character in your story?
>Luna takes a few steps closer
>"We understand he's about to enter Meznaru's castle to obtain the Orb of Lost Souls, but we were under the impression that Umi would stop by Canterlot in order to meet with the Oracle."
>Celestia nods in agreement
>"Indeed, we would much rather speak with Umi, in order to... grant him our royal advice for his perilous journey."
>Are you really hearing this?
I don't think I follow.
>The white filly looks more annoyed than she did when she first entered the room
>"It's really quite simple: We would like to speak with Umi in order to give him, err, council prior to him facing possible life-threatening situations."
>You can't believe it.
>These ponies, both Celestia and Luna, actually think your column is some kind of documentary.
>"We ask that you inform Umi as soon as you can. The guards will see you out."
Wait wait wait, hold on a minute.
>You gotta spill the beans, for the sake of future Equestria
>These fillies can't be galloping around the most important building in the world sending guards out looking for characters belonging in your shitty story
Look girls, that column in the newspaper? It's just a story I made up. Canterlot Daily was kind enough to give me a little space to do my thing in, and I decided to write a little story about a magician fighting against a wizard. It's all a complete farce.
>Luna looks back up at you
>"Nonsense! If that's the case, then why when Umi was being chased by those theives through Canterlot market, did another front-page story feature men chasing after a supposed criminal through the exact same place?"
>That must have been from the time you based an episode around a report on stolen goods from one of the lower-end markets
>Hey, you were having a shit day and couldn't think of what to add next, so you worked with what you could
That was just something I had tied into the story. Sometimes I take other things from the paper and place them into my story.
>If Celestia didn't look mad before, then she was certainly suffering from serious ass damage now
>"Improbable!"
>She points her golden-capped hoof at you
>"Then why are all episodes written by this 'Anonymous'? Clearly Umi is trying to keep undercover and drops off his latest ventures in the Canterlot Daily's mailbox!"
It's written by Anonymous because my name IS Anonymous. Now, I appreciate you two taking a liking to my story, but this is going too far.
>"T-Tia, maybe he's right... You know mother and father have been saying the exact same things."
>Celestia bows her head and sighs
>Suddenly, the princess' tiny head shoots back up and looks at you with newfound amazement.
>"I understand now! YOU must be Umi!"
>Aw shit
Now wait a minute-
>Celestia starts walking towards you
>"Going undercover as a writer for the paper under the name Anonymous, it's the perfect cover!"
>You start walking backwards, keeping your distance from the child-princess
That's absolutely rediculous! Now-
>"And in the stories, you replace yourself with a pony in order to double the concealment!"
>Your back hits the wall
>Luna approaches from behind her sister
>It looks like she's holding some paper and a quill with her magic
>"M-Mr. Umi, could I have your autograph?"
I... It's... Alright, alright, give me that...
>You take the quill and paper from Luna's magic field
>And scribble the best 'Umi the Mystique' signature you can
>You hand the parchment back to Luna
>Moonbutt takes one look at it and lets out a little gasp
>"Oh, uh, please wait one moment, U-Umi."
>Celestia turns around and dashes out the door and down the hallway, leaving you and Luna lone
>You take your seat again, waiting for whatever Celestia needs to show you
>The sooner the better

>It's been about 3 minutes now, and no sign of sunbutt
>You begin tapping your fingers on the table
>The last thing you need is a guard or a royal official wondering why you're here
>You turn around to look at Luna, realizing she hasn't moved or said anything since Celestia left
>She's just standing there looking at you and back at your fake signature with this big, goofy grin across her blue face
>Echos of hooves meeting the floor find their way into the room you two are in
>You turn back around to find an out-of-breath princess holding a slightly larger piece of paper
>It looks like there are already a few things written down on it
>"I-In order for you to receive our royal advice, we require that you sign this OFFICIAL document showing that you will not, err, give out any of the information we give you!"
>She floats the document over to you
>You briefly scan the poorly-written paragraph
>Light glistens off of the ink on the page
>With a finger, you trace through one of the letters, leaving a smear on the paper
Did you literally just write this?
>"I, uh, lost the other official document so I had to make a new official document."
>You read through it more carefully this time
It says here that I have to walk you through every encounter I ever submitted to Canterlot Daily.
>"In order to give out our royal advice we require a first-person account of every detail! D-Don't you know that?!"
Yeah, well, can't you just use the signature I already made?
>"That one's Luna's. This one's, err, official."
>You get up from your chair
Okay, well, that's nice and all, but I really need to get going. I need to finish up the next episode by tomorrow, so-
>Before you start making your way out the door, an Alicorn about your size makes her way into the room
>Celestia turns around
>"Mother!"
>Oh fuck
>"Girls! What in Equestria are you doing in here?"
>She looks in your direction
>"And who is this?"
>Celestia rolls her eyes
>"Mother, this is who I've been talking about. I told you I'd find Umi!"
>Thank god, a voice of reason
Um, hello your majesty. Uh, my name is Anonymous, and there seems to have been some sort of mishap between your children and my story in the local paper. If I cou-
>The queen raises her hoof to relieve you from explanation
>"I understand what's going on here. Celestia, take your sister and go see your father."
>"But-"
>"Now, Celestia."
>Tia bows her head in disappointment
>"C'mon Luna..."
>With one hoof, Celestia leads her younger sister out of the room
>Luna is still looking at you with that big-ass grin, only stopping to try and show the queen your autograph
>Her mom smiles and moves her along with a gentle push from her much larger, much more ornamented hoof
>As her children leave the room, her attention is drawn to you
>"I apologize for my young. Children tend to get carried away with such things at this age."
>thank fuck she isn't taking this as seriously as you thought she would
Uh, it's alright, I just really need to get back to working on my next issue. I'm behind as it is.
>"I see. I'll have a guard escort you out immediately then."
I appreciate it.
>You're finally free
>The queen picks Luna's quill and Celestia's little 'document' and sees you out of the room
>A guard quickly meets you in the hallway and escorts you through the corridors of the castle back to the main gate
>"Have a pleasant day, sir."
Try to do the same.

>You make your way back to your apartment, and immediately chug a bottle of beer.
>You've never tasted anything better in your life
>Sitting back at your desk, you proceed to find yourself still stuck in a bad case of writers block

>It's been 8 hours
>8 hours of digging through the concrete of a shitty-ass plot
>But you're almost done
>The fight's almost over
>Looks like Umi's going to spend some more time in Canterlot before heading out to Meznaru's castle
>A few more lines left and you can call it a wrap
>You haphazardly scribble the closing statement to your most recent issue
>There, it is done
>You can finally rest
>With another month of rent insured, you head to your fridge to whip up dinner
>As you step into your kitchen, another thought takes hold of you
>You're living in Equestria
>But you're never going to meet Twilight
>You're never going to work on Applejack's farm
>You're never going to wear clothes hoof-stitched by Rarity
>You're never going to get to help Fluttershy feed her animals
>You're the closest a human's ever gotten to actually living the dream
>But you might as well still be back on Earth
>As you lose interest in writing about Umi, you lose your reasons for staying in Canterlot
>Even though you've never been beyond the city, perhaps eventually you'll just start wondering the landscape
>Who knows, maybe you'll find something better than what the show back home provided
>A knock on your door interrupts your meditation
>...
>Francis never comes by this late
>You kreep towards the door and peer through the hole
>Nothing
>There's no one there
>Opening the door, you're greeted with more of the same
>"Umi?"
>God damnit
>You look down
>A young, cloaked, Celestia peers up at you
>How the hell did she get out here?
Uh... Hey Celestia.
>"I still need your signature. Luna got hers, it's only fair that I receive my own as well."
Uh huh... For that 'royal advice' document, right?
>"Err, uh, yes. Correct. Even though this document appears blank, I'll see that it is correctly transferred over to an official agreement."
>This is getting ridiculous
>You're going to have to ask your boss to remove your contact information from your column tomorrow
>For now, you need to put your foot down and get this little princess off your front porch
Listen here, Tia, I got some royal advice for you, too: Stay away from me. I've got enough on my mind as it is. The last thing I need is word going around town that I associate myself with Canterlot's royalty. Can you imagine how much my landlord would increase my rent? No, you can't, because I really don't think you even know what 'rent' is. And I can tell you really want to believe I'm something I'm not, but you need to drop it right here and now or else, uh, I'll make sure your parents hear about this, I guess.
>You can see her rage building up, she's clearly not used to being told 'no'
>"Unacceptable! You are a hero amongst the people and, well, deserve to be treated as such! I will not sit idly by while you risk your life to save us all without taking any credit for it."
>Wow, well when she puts it like that...
>No, what are you thinking?
>You're not Umi
>Umi isn't real, and never will be real
>Your thoughts are drawn to your days back on Earth
>days when you would wish the place you're standing in right now was a reality
>You suddenly feel a little pain in your chest
>How can you even comprehend the life of a princess?
>Celestia's just trying to make the most out of something that takes her away from her normal routine
>Just like you were, only seven months ago
Listen, Celestia, I'll give you my signature, but promise me you'll leave me... undercover, alright? The last thing I need is Meznaru knowing I'm in Canterlot. That will put everyone at risk.
>The princess nods in agreement, and you once again sign Umi the Mystique onto another fan's sheet of paper
>You hand the parchment back to Celestia, and she in response smiles and looks up to you
>"Thank-"
>Your window shatters as a dark shadow tumbles into your hallway
What the shit!?
>You turn around to find a small, insect-winged alicorn with green hair trying to catch her breath
>Oh. My. Fucking. God.
>Chrysalis gets up, sees you, and immediately looks relieved
>"Umi, There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"
>Your first reaction is to look back over at Celestia
>And it looks like her excitement over finding you has kindled anew
>Like adding gasoline to a fire
>"YOU HAVE A HELPER AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? AS A REPRESENATIVE OF CANTERLOT I DEMAND TO ASSIST YOU ON YOUR JOURNE-"
>You slam your door shut
>You can't handle this much wat
>Turning back to filly Chrysalis, you try to pick a question to ask her out of the thousands floating in your head
Why... What are you doing here?
>It looks like she's caught her breath now that she's had the chance to relax
>She must have sprinted all the way here from wherever in hell she came from
>"I came here to warn you that Meznaru is IN Canterlot!"
Wat.