Complete Bullshit - Part 1

THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT - PT1

>Everything is black and empty.
>You can't see or hear or feel or smell anything at all.
>Are you dead?
>The last thing you remember is... aw, shit.
>You made an arrow to the knee joke in public - you probably got shot.
>Hey wait a minute... would it be ironic if you were shot... in the knee?

>You'll be quiet now.
>Speaking of quiet, maybe you aren't dead.  You think you can hear voices.
>Yeah.  It's pretty faint, but there's a conversation going on.

>"...Marmalade all over the..."

>"...Pinkie, please.  This is no time..."

>"...Girls, I think it's waking up!"

>"HA!  Told ya, AJ.  Pay up."

>"Hold on now, we can't be sure jes' yet."

>You manage to pry open one of your eyes, but all you can see is an endlessly clear blue sky.
>"Where am I?"

>"Cough it up, AJ."
>There's a grumbling sound and some metallic clinking, followed by a sharp gasp.

>"WECANTHROWHIMAPARTY!"

>"Yes, Pinkie, we can do that.  Later."
>A blurry, purple looking face hovers over you.  "Are you okay?"

>You drag one of your hands up to your face and start rubbing at your eyes.
>"Maybe?  I don't know.  What happened?"

>"That's what we'd like to know.  There was some sort of anomaly out here and a HUGE energy spike, so we came to investigate.  But there wasn't a single thing out of place except for you."

>Your vision is starting to focus a bit better, and you resolve that this is definitely a face, probably female, definitely purple, and DEFINITELY not human.
>The surprise draws on reserves of energy you didn't know you had and you spring to your feet, away from the creature.
>"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

>She frowns.  "Calm down.  I assure you that you're just as strange to us as we are to you."

>You toss your head to both sides, taking in the area.  Other than the absurdly bright coloring of everything around you, things look pretty normal.  And then there are those little horse things over there.  Two of them have wings, two of them have horns, none of them could possibly be natural.
>You take a deep breath.
>"What are you, where am I, and why shouldn't I start flipping my shit?"

>"I'm a unicorn, you're in Equestria, and there's no reason we can't be civil.  As far as I know, you haven't done anything wrong."

>Your mind briefly flashes back to an awful lot of evidence to the contrary.  You shake yourself out of it.  What they don't know doesn't count.
>"Make believe, never heard of it, and civility isn't diametrically opposed to shit-flipping."
>You keep yourself from hyperventilating and manage to stay pretty calm, given the circumstances.
>You silently thank your brain for staying composed in such dire times, taking comfort in the fact that you know you can rely on it and if things go south you'll be in good hands.
>You're pretty good at deluding yourself.

Six days later...
>You know what?  This place isn't so bad.  Things are working out surprisingly well for you.  You've got your own food and your own place and maybe, just maybe, some friends.
>If you can manage to not reference any shitty and unfunny memes, maybe you can even keep these ones.
>It isn't even all that hard to adjust.  It's really pretty damn convenient how similar their society is to yours.
>You take a break from frowning into your baconless refridgerator to go piss.
>The bathroom is frighteningly familiar.  Everything is smaller because the ponies themselves are small, but you have no idea how or why they'd use human-style toilets.  You decide not to think about it since you never did figure out how to apply bleach to the brain without causing death or retardation.
>You unzip your nice pants - thank you, Rarity - only to be yanked into the shower, cock-a-floppin'.
>Something covers your mouth and a gruff voice speaks up from behind you.

>"I need you to not scream.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you."

>You make an affirmative "mmph." noise.  The hand slides away and you turn around to find...
>Batman?
>Whoever it is, they're dressed like Batman.  And also almost definitely a human.
>Is it strange that you find the sight of another human strange?
>Is it strange that you're face to face with a reasonable facsimile of Batman and you're not excited?
>Is it strange that your dick is hanging out and the both of you are just sortof ignoring it?

>There's a tense and awkward silence that goes on for a good thirty seconds before you can't take it anymore.
>"What the fuck, Batman?"

>Batman smiles and zones out.

>You punch him in the shoulder and he cries out like a little girl.  That explains your lack of enthusiasm.  This bitch is no dark knight - he's a phoney!

>"Right.  Sorry, I was distracted because of LEGITIMATE REASONS.  I have a mission for you.  It's of critical importance."

>"And why in the name of George Zimmer should I listen to you?"

>He smirks.  "Two very good reasons, but I suspect right now you'll only care about one.  Your future depends on it."

>You fake a yawn.  "Pass.  Future me can eat a bag of dicks.  I'm looking out for PRESENT me."

>"Yeah, I figured.  Reason two's a lot more compelling."

>You quirk an eyebrow.

>"Meat."

>You quirk it harder.

>"All the meat you can fit in your face."

>You quirk it harder than you've ever quirked it before.

>"You do what I ask, and you'll be granted a generous supply of beef, pork, chicken, turkey, bacon, all the standards."

>Having not had meat for at least the last six days, this causes you to salivate.  Some of your drool drips down onto your crotch.  You smile awkwardly and zip your pants.  Batman coughs.
>"What do I gotta do?"

>He pulls an envelope out of his costume and hands it to you.  "You need to 'sneak' this into Twilight's mailbox."
>Batman makes incredibly exaggerated air quotes at the word "sneak."

>"So..., just walk up and drop it in in broad daylight?"

>"No!  You need to pretend you're trying to be sneaky and you're just really bad at it.  Anyone who sees you needs to think you're trying to hide it."

>Wait... hold on, you didn't think it was possible, but you quirk it even more.  You are officially quirking beyond safe levels.
>"I don't get to know any more details than that, do I?"

>"Nope."

>You sigh, salute, and turn to walk away.  As you reach the door, you turn back around, wondering how Batman got in and how he's getting out, but he's already disappeared.
>You glance up and down the hall before carefully prying the envelope open and pulling out a letter and another envelope.
>The writing on the letter is clear and bold.

>[Nice try.  If you open this one, you'll regret it.]

>You shrug and toss the letter aside before strolling toward the front door.  You didn't have anything else to do today, so why not get this over with?
>Batman wouldn't lie, right?
>You "sneak" through town, hiding (poorly) in the shadows on your way to the library.  Not being a COMPLETE dipshit, you only manage to get lost twice.
>You crawl out of an alley, lying low to the ground, and make your way toward the mailbox.  You take every opportunity to shift your eyes back and forth as loudly as you.
>Eye shifting doesn't actually make noise.
>Shut up, don't care.

>"Hi Anon!"

>"GAH!"
>You tumble backward, away from Pinkie.  She has a bad habit of appearing out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of you.

>"Watcha doin'?"

>Partially in an effort to keep up the ruse and partially because you really are somewhat at a loss for words, you stammer and shove the envelope into your pocket.

>"You don't have to hide that from me.  I already know exactly what you're doing."

>"I... uh... I have no idea what you're talking about.  I'm not hiding anything."

>"Wow!  You're really good at pretending to be bad at keeping a secret!"

>Wait, what?

>"Don't worry, silly.  I know what you're doing right now, I just don't know what you're doing after that!  I know we have a lot of fun today or tomorrow, but I don't know how yet."  She puts a hoof to her chin and blinks a few times.  "Do you think it has anything to do with giraffes?"

>"If you know what I'm doing, then why are you talking to me right now?  Wouldn't it be a lot more suspicious if I was being sneaky and not chatting?"

>"I dunno.  But I do know I was told to come talk to you before you could finish."

>Batman, what the SHIT are you up to?

>"Everything'll be fine.  I'm pretty sure nop0ny is watching anymore anyway.  Now hurry up and put that paper in the box so we can go put the fun in our afternoon and/or evening and/or also and/or morning.  I think."

>Skipping the migraine you'd get from trying to follow this nonsense (See, Brain?  You're being taken care of!), you nod your head and comply.  Pinkie grabs you by the arm and the two of you go gallivanting off to who-knows-where.
>Apparently right back to Sugarcube Corner.  ALSO apparently, Pinkie lives here.
>You think that her living within ten yards of several times her weight in sugar might explain a few things.
>You spend the day baking all manner of ridiculous - yet tasty - crap.  It isn't your ideal day, but it's a lot more fun than you would've expected.

>Pinkie waves goodbye as you head out the door to go home.  Insane hallucination of a homeless person dressed as Batman living in your bathroom and convincing you to do stupid things or no, today was a pretty good day.
>The door clicks shut behind you and you decide to grab a snack and plop down on the couch for some TV.
>You open the fridge and find yourself blinded by grorious, shining meats!
>Batman IS real!
>You gleefully tear into some chicken, silently thanking whatever deity is responsible for uniting you with the one true hero.
>A weird morning led to a good day and an amazing night.
>You are happy.

>The next morning, you fall out of bed with almost no deathwish.
>It's still morning, and it's still not possible to feel GOOD, but for the first time you can remember you're WALKING and not CRAWLING to the bathroom.
>You toss open the front door to greet the day (No really, like a dumb piece of shit.  You step out, breathe in some fresh air and shout about the day to nop0ny in particular.) and find the little flag dealy on your mailbox is up.
>Curious, you take a look only to have more questions raised than answered.
>In your mailbox is a single sheet of paper.  The back is blank.  The front has two large boxes, labeled "yes" and "no" with a check mark in the "yes" box.
>You're about to quirk an eyebrow, but decide against it.  Overquirking yourself like that isn't good for you.
>You turn around to go back inside for some delicious braconfast and are startled to find Batman standing in front of your fridge.

>"You have a new mission."

>You say nothing and nod.

>"You are to have lunch with Twilight Sparkle today."

>"That's it?"

>"It's more dangerous than it sounds, but less dangerous than not going."

>"Uh-huh..."

>"We all have our parts to play."

>Well that isn't cryptic or ominous at all.  Batman is lucky you're so into his meat, or else you wouldn't put up with this.  No homo.