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- >Day Tip-Toe-Through-The-Tulips in Equestria.
- >Or rather, in the Everfree Forest.
- >In winter.
- >Wearing flannel plaid and carrying a basket.
- >Nose is bandaged over. Reset, but still broken.
- >You look like a lumberjack going on a picnic in the middle of winter.
- >Fluttershy is hovering merely inches away from you as you walk down the path.
- >"A-Anon, you don't have to do this if you're...uhm..."
- >Her stutter is so noticiable you could mix paint with it.
- >"s-s-s-scar-r-r-ed."
- "Fluttershy, you hired me to get some flowers for your bees because you had to do some animal check-ups around town."
- >She nods.
- >A crow caws.
- >She practically bawks in fear and grabs your shoulders.
- >Uses you as a shield.
- "I can find those flowers. I've got to deliver some stuff to Zecora anyway, if I can't find them I'll ask her."
- >"But Anon...am I p-paying you enough?"
- "You cleaned up my place. Five bits is fine, this is practically my day off anyway."
- >"B-but it's so dangerous..."
- "It really isn't. This is the one place in Equestria where the weather does its own thing and animals fend for themselves, right?"
- >She looks horrified.
- >She nods slowly.
- "I'll be fine. My world works like that."
- >"But..but...but.."
- "Flutterbutt, go help out those animals. They need you way more than I do right now."
- >She frowns and lets go of your shoulders.
- >She flutters back a few feet.
- "I'll see you at your house no later than five."
- >She nods and flies off to go do her job.
- >Now you can do yours.
- >Feels good to be back in nature that acts like nature.
- >Fluttershy's apparently a beekeeper.
- >Bees are all right. The ones here anyway.
- >Big, fat, fluffy bees with little smiley faces on them.
- >Equestria is fucking weird.
- >But the forest is beautiful, just like back in your world.
- >You always liked the woods in winter.
- >Trees stand tall, dead and leafless like spikes in a snowy battlefield.
- >The occasional red berries can be seen through the bushes.
- >Beekeeping in winter must be rough.
- >Hope Fluttershy has a greenhouse or something.
- >Stumble through the woods for a bit.
- >Slip into a snowdrift.
- >Land face first into what you're looking for.
- >Blood in the snow.
- >Wipe your nose.
- >OW.
- >Still broken, numbnuts. But hey, flowers under the snow!
- >And they look about right.
- >Fluttershy wanted some ugly looking flowers to make...
- >Ugh, what'd she call it?
- >Funny. Honey.
- "Everything's got to be cutesy with these ponies."
- >Why are you talking to yourself?
- "Because...it's the forest and nothing is making a sound."
- >Huh.
- >Yeah it's winter, but there should be something.
- "Hello?"
- >Silence. Solitude.
- >You used to be very good at hide-and-seek.
- >This is the feeling you get when you're being hunted.
- >The woods.
- >You cut some of these ugly blue flowers with a gardening spade you brought in your basket.
- >Put the flowers in the basket, roots and fall.
- >Keep spade out. Adjust grip.
- >It takes ten pounds of pressure to break human skin.
- >You heard that on the Discovery Channel once, it must be true.
- >Of course, this is a terrifying new reality.
- >Things are never as they seem.
- >The trick to properly stalking while hunting is to put weight on the heel and then the side of the foot.
- >Heel, then side.
- >You'll feel any twig long before you put enough weight on it to snap it.
- >You keep low. Spade at the ready.
- >The wind whistles a distant howl that reddens your flesh.
- >It is a bitter chill.
- >It makes your teeth hurt.
- >You move back on the path as cautiously as humanly possible.
- >Your arms ache. The basket feels like an iron-weighted burden.
- >Your flannel plaid feels like a damp robe.
- "Ugh...what?"
- >Snap out of it.
- >You keep walking down the way.
- >Some hoofprints from the day or night before.
- >Zecora?
- >Probably.
- >You shrug out of your little hunter's crouch.
- >Hah. You looked like such a tool.
- "Fff...It's winter."
- >You laugh a little. It's a depraved sort of laugh.
- >Your vision is cloudy.
- >It's very warm.
- >Your clothing is very heavy.
- >Clouds blot out the sun.
- >You follow the hoofprints. It looks as though another pair of prints dropped down from above.
- >Larger. Hooves?
- >No.
- >There are claws. Spread out strangely.
- >Maybe it's some weird bird.
- >You can see Zecora's home in the distance.
- >It looks so warm and pleasant.
- >You tuck the spade back into the basket and start walking towards the cottage.
- >The snow is exceptionally deep.
- >And heavy.
- >You run a hand over your face.
- >It's bristled with stubble.
- >Frost lingers on the hair.
- >You march on and stumble up to Zecora's cottage door.
- "Zecora?"
- >You knock.
- >Blam.
- "Zecora it's cold out."
- >Blam.
- "I got you eggnog."
- >You let out a hacking cough.
- "Zecora, I'm sorry for being mean to you. I think rhyming is cool."
- >Make a rhyme?
- "Rhymin's cool, I was a fool."
- >Door doesn't open.
- >Dark now.
- >Dreadfully dark.
- >You like the dark.
- >You can smell something.
- >Smells like rotting meat.
- >Meat.
- >You haven't had meat in awhile.
- >You went vegan once before.
- >Bitch girlfriend.
- >You really wanted to impress her.
- >But there's just something about eating meat.
- >Of eating something that had to die.
- >That had to suffer.
- >That just makes it so good.
- >Your hands sink into something.
- >You cram it in your mouth.
- >It's...beautiful.
- >You haven't eaten meat in so long.
- >You scrape and rip until there's nothing left.
- >A glimmer of light.
- >An eye?
- >Accusing you.
- >Viewing you.
- >You laugh.
- "I see the Moon..."
- >"The Moon sees me."
- >You catch your reflection in the dying iris.
- "SWEET JIMMINY COCK on a CUPCAKE!"
- >You're naked.
- >Screaming.
- >Well not naked.
- >Hot'cha boxer underwear.
- >Little hula girls.
- >Quite warm.
- >Stop screaming.
- >In the...feetle position.
- >By a crackling fire.
- >"Anon, you live; quite good to know! I thought I had lost you, in the snow."
- >Zecora's hut.
- >You glare into the fire.
- "..B-b-basket."
- >Your tongue feels like a slug someone stapled to the back of your throat.
- >"My friend you gave me quite a scare...You sound as though you're not all there."
- >You swallow hard and begin moving to get to your feet.
- >Your joints feel like tallow wrapped in barbed wire.
- >You manage to turn your head and see Zecora going through your basket.
- >"Anon this is the Poison Joke, I know not what it does to you human folk."
- "That's f-f-for F-f-flutterbutt."
- >You let out a hacking cough and slap your face once.
- >OW. FUCK.
- >Your nose starts bleeding again.
- "Ugh...I got a winter cloak made for you...and some eggnog."
- >"My friend I know you pride yourself on being thrift, what is the cause for such a gift?"
- "I was mean back at Festivus, I guess. Thought everyone'd take it in good humor. I guess not."
- >She flashes a faint smile and pulls the cloak out of the basket.
- >She shakes it out and wraps it around herself.
- >"My dear Anon this most great...but I am curious as to your screaming fate?"
- "It was just a fever dream."
- >"The leaves of blue are not for those weak of will,"
- >She pulls some little clay pot off a shelf and trots over to you.
- >She forces it down your throat.
- >"Drink of this deep and to your fill."
- >Your eyes twitch and you sputter at the taste.
- >It's like someone made an energy drink.
- >Out of tea leaves. And caterpillars. And dirt.
- >That means it tastes bad.
- "Zecora it was a fever dream, and things are quite as they seem."
- >See you can rhyme. She'll appreciate that.
- >She looks concerned, but does smirk at the rhyme.
- "I'm fine you see."
- >"Indeed I see, and fine you may be. But I am concerned, and I disagree."
- "I'm fine you see, all I saw was me."
- >"You saw yourself and arose with a scream? What is that for a fever dream?"
- >You manage to stand up.
- >Ow joints.
- >Crack your back.
- >Scratch yourself.
- >Zecora gives you a look.
- "Sorry...itchy...Is Poison joke anything like poison oak?"
- >She recites something, as if she's said it a million times before.
- >"Poison Joke is nothing like this...Poison Oak. It means this plant does not breed wrath. Instead this plant just wants a laugh."
- >You fail to see what's so amusing about your little fever dream.
- "Why'd I get a nightmare then?"
- >Zecora shrugs and pulls some bottles of eggnog out of your basket. She looks on them lustfully.
- "This is the stuff that makes you see or do or sound funny, so how come I got some Necronomicon Ex Mortis crap?"
- >You know why.
- >Zecora shrugs again.
- >"Worry not, my human friend. Because of that potion, the nightmare is at an end."
- >Joyful.
- >Zecora walks you back to town once your clothing is all dried.
- >She's wearing the cloak you got her, it looks awesome.
- >Rarity doesn't know cloak fashion.
- >Poison Joke makes something funny.
- >You got weak and cold.
- >Alone.
- >You feasted on flesh.
- >And you looked into an eye.
- >And saw yourself.
- >Devolved.
- >Feral.
- >Depraved.
- >It's funny because you know that you're capable of so much worse.
- >And it's funny because if your personality was exposed, it'd probably look a lot like that.
- >...it's not exactly surprising.
- >You did want to be in
- >Fucking Politics.
- >Oh hey! It's also funny because HP Lovecraft never actually freaked you out.
- >Zecora goes to market, you walk off towards Fluttershy's cottage.
- >Guess the Everfree woods are scary.
- >You look at your reflection on the side of a polished steel mailbox.
- >You don't look bad today.
- >You look pretty good.
- >You look like a man should.
- >Walk up to Fluttershy's with the basket.
- "Hey Flutterbutt, I got those flowers for you!"
- >You knock on the door.
- "You could've told me they were magical and also a poison."
- >Fucking Fluttershy.
- >You don't have a watch on you.
- >You don't know how long you were out.
- >Or how long you were even in the woods.
- >Fucking evil acid trip flowers.
- >You knock on the door some more.
- >Fuck it.
- >Check the windows.
- >One of them has a window latch on the inside.
- >Grab the spade and wedge the blade in-between the frames and carefully lift up the latch.
- >Pull window open.
- >Slide in basket.
- "Fluttershy! If you're in there I'm taking a sick day!"
- >No response.
- "And if you want to pay me, you can like...get me a can of soup or something instead. I'm going home now!"
- >No response.
- >You look out into Ponyville.
- >It seems very desolate.
- >Yeah, this bodes well.
- >Fucking ominous Silent Ponyhill.
- >Walk home.
- >Splish. Splosh.
- >Workboots on shoveled roads. Yours.
- >Drip.
- >Splish. Splosh. Splish.
- >Drip.
- >Drip.
- >Something drips on your head.
- >Dare you look up?
- >You don't have much anything else to do.
- >The Sun seems to be beaming down on you something fierce.
- >All the icicles you pass under are melting on you.
- >Huh.
- >Go to bed.
- >Laundry goes in a hamper now. Not a pile.
- >It's a pile in the hamper. Fuck it.
- >Face down.
- >Breathing in pillow.
- >You feel gross and out of it anyway.
- >Go to sleep.
- >Mumbling. Someponies are mumbling.
- >Mumbling loudly.
- >There's a cannon shot.
- >Pinkie owns a cannon.
- >You stumble out of bed.
- >Open your window.
- >Shout down upon the streets of Ponyville.
- "Ladies! I got busted on a noise complaint not even a week ago!"
- >You rub your eyes and see the gang down there. Huddled and gossiping.
- >Has to be about you.
- >You don't exactly live near anything in town.
- >You're not on the way to or from anyplace.
- "You guys hear me?!"
- >There's a crackle and a boom, something is fizzling behind you.
- >"Anon, we need to talk."
- >Twilight Sparkle.
- >You turn to face her.
- >You're naked.
- >She notices and blushes.
- >"Anon why are you naked?"
- "I'm in my house, why are you teleporting in here?"
- >"Uhm."
- >She looks around the room and levitates your bed sheets on to you.
- >"The Princesses sent me a letter."
- "Don't they do that every weekend?"
- >"You've been thinking bad thoughts, Anon."
- >What?
- >Pardon?
- "Uh...Kinda think I'm allowed to. It's my brain."
- >You pull the bed sheets off you and drape yourself as though it were a toga.
- >Twilight nods slowly.
- >"Well yeah, but this made them...well, worried enough to send a letter."
- >You groan.
- "Twilight. I am in absolutely zero mood to get fined for thought crime."
- >She gives an inquisitive grumpy face.
- >"Well, maybe if we citizens of Equestria knew a little bit more about human culture the Princesses wouldn't be worried about your creepy dreams."
- "Why aren't you guys more worried they can read your dreams?"
- >Twilight shrugs.
- >Oh right.
- >She's a purple talking pony with naturally colored highlights.
- >And magical powers.
- >This is commonplace.
- "So you want an exclusive on human culture?"
- >She nods slowly, a tiny smile forming.
- "Anything I need to know or can I go back to sleep?"
- >"It's three in the afternoon, why are you wasting the day away anyway?"
- >Wouldn't, ideally this have to do with your little fever fear dream?
- >What else have you dreamed lately.
- >Rainbow Dash beating the shit out of you in an unsexy way.
- >Beating the shit out of Filthy Rich and taking over his business.
- >Ruling the multiverse like Dr.Doom.
- >A couple sex dreams.
- >And one about whales. Not a sex dream. But whales.
- "It's my day off."
- >"Oh."
- >She looks at your crotch through the sheets.
- "You saw me naked. I get it. You can stop looking."
- >"I wasn't!"
- >"Sheesh Anon, you're real jerk sometimes. You know that?"
- "I wasn't. Everyday's a school day."
- >"Fine. But we need to talk tomorrow. The Princess sent you a letter too, I want you to read it."
- >She magics up a scroll from thin air.
- >"And then I want you to come to the library tomorrow."
- "Okay, okay. God. Can I get back to enjoying my day off now?"
- >She gives you a bothered look and bursts out of existence and reappears outside your window.
- >You stick your head out. Rainbow Dash is giving Fluttershy a hard time.
- "Hey Flutterbutt, you get the flowers?"
- >CRACK
- >Rainbow Dash just pegged you in the forehead with a can of soup.
- >You rub your head.
- >The can bounced back off into the street and leaked open.
- >That's going to be a bruise.
- >Fluttershy looks horrified.
- >"S-sorry Anon! I b-brought you tomato soup!"
- "Thanks Fluttershy...I can feel that."
- >Fucking Fluttershy.
- >Wait, this isn't here fault.
- >Fucking Thought Police.
- >You don't rest now because you fear death by concussion.
- >Read some of that Photo Finish style book.
- >You need a shave and a haircut.
- >And some better duds.
- >This whole 'Princesses are worried about your brain' thing is probably going to cost you money.
- >Ugh.
- >You get around to reading the letter.
- >A lot of words come up that you don't like.
- >But there's one big phrase you really don't like.
- >Something about "Guidance from the Elements of Harmony"
- >To "help balance your life away from potential acts that could be seen as unharmonious and perhaps unhealthy to the public trust."
- >Fine.
- >FINE.
- >They want a dolled up little monkey who can dance and act like he's not surrounded by a bunch of weird primitive screwheads?
- >You're sure as hell going to give them something to look at.
- >Fucking Elements of Harmony.
- >You can play those to your favor.
- >Even if it might seem mean.
- >Even if that means abusing the kindness
- >Of Fucking Fluttershy
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