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- >Looks like you’re rich in the land of horses.
- >All that pocket change you had when your ass got dumped in the land of friendship, rainbows, and all that happy horseshit was worth a lot.
- >Now you had to deal with the repercussions of having it made.
- >”My name is Fleur De Lis and…”
- >Slamming the door in her face you grumbled and went back to the couch.
- >That was the fourth damn suitress this morning.
- >None of them give a single shit about you, all they care about is the fact that you’re loaded.
- >Caramel told you before to be careful.
- >Mares would herd up with a rich colt, live with him for a little bit, then kick his flank to the curb with nothing.
- >The mares might be in charge here but at least some things are the same as on earth.
- >”Anonymous the Human we have come for your hand in marriage!”
- >The walls of your home shook from the loudness.
- >Looks like that mare from Neigh York was back.
- >”And we bring pizza!”
- >Okay maybe you’ll at least hear what she has to say.
- “This bullshit and I say no.”
- >”Anonymous it’s not that simple where you can just say no.”
- >Glaring at the obviously uncomfortable princesses you sipped on your delicious coffee.
- >”The nobles have been pushing for us to act, a law we had even forgotten about is forcing our hoof.”
- >You knew what they were going to say but wanted to hear it straight from the horses mouth.
- >”You have to marry, the law is simple, a stallion with financial wealth cannot simply remain single out of possibly mismanaging the money and losing it.”
- “So let me get this straight before I kick both your royal flanks out of here.”
- >Setting down the coffee mug so you didn’t spill any over what was going to happen in the next minute.
- “I need a mare to tell me how to handle my money.”
- >Both Celestia and Luna nodded apprehensively.
- “Okay then, allow me to retort.”
- >Any pony passing by would have shit their non-existent briches over the sight that morning.
- >Both rulers being tossed out and landing on their rumps.
- >By the human no less.
- “Sparkle get your fat ass out here now!”
- >Waiting impatiently you tapped your foot.
- >These royal assholes wanted to play? You’d play.
- >Moments later a visibly frightened princess stood just beyond the doorstep.
- >Fear kept her from going any further.
- >Groaning you walked up and picked her up slinging her under your arm and walking toward the courthouse.
- >”Anon set me down, this is embarrassing!”
- “No time, we’re getting married, so tough cookies.”
- >Holy hay you’re married.
- >So much for that contest in school where you got voted least likely to get you some dick.
- >Whose laughing now?
- >Floating the small gold band in front of your eyes you “squeed” before putting it back on your horn.
- >Your parents and not to mention Shining and Cadence were going to be furious that you didn’t invite them.
- >But Anon didn’t give you any warning.
- >That hunk of stallion just snatched you up and brought you down to the courthouse.
- >With those big, strong hands of his
- >Unf!
- >Speaking of hands.
- “You know you can put me down now.”
- >”Nope, still got two more stops before this whole things done.”
- >Colts
- >Always making things so complicated.
- >Oh tonight is going to be so great, you won’t need an excuse to wear those socks you got last week.
- >”Fuck you bird horse!”
- >Without even stopping you watched as Anon extended the middle digit of his hand in what you guessed was a greeting towards a passing Pegasi.
- >Craning your neck you saw she almost dropped what looked like a potted plant right on top of him.
- >She should be more careful.
- >Almost hitting your hubby, that slut probably wanted to steal your man.
- >Yeah keep on flying filly, he’s taken.
- >When this is over you should probably send a letter to everyone to let them know the great news.
- >And hide your playmare collection.
- >You won’t need those anymore.
- >Marriage certificate from the courthouse… check.
- >Several copies mailed to the princess and royal archives… check.
- >You felt bad for putting Twilight through all this but desperate times call for desperate measures.
- >Those measures being marrying a certain princess with a flank inferiority complex.
- >How many times did you catch her at the gym staring at it as she tried losing weight?
- >This girl needs to learn that there was nothing wrong with that ass.
- >Girls back on earth would kill for an ass like that.
- >Now here you sit with a visibly sweating princess on the couch.
- >For some reason you smell spaghetti.
- “So Twilight”
- >”BE GENTLE IT’S MY FIRST TIME!”
- >Blown back by her outburst you peaked over the couch edge.
- “I was going to ask if you wanted some coffee, but let’s go with something without caffeine instead.”
- >”Eh heh heh, waters fine.”
- >There’s that spaghetti smell again.
- >Two happily crying ponies clutched at your abdomen.
- >”Oh thank Celestia!”
- >You are confused.
- >Both of Twilights parents came as soon as they got the news.
- >”We thought for sure she was a filly fooler.”
- >Turning to face your wife she looked pale and mouthed “I’m so sorry for this” despite her embarrassment.
- >”We thought we’d never see her find a decent stallion.”
- >”Mom really?” Twilight was redder than Macintosh.
- >”Your brother and his family should be here later today, Oh how I wish you’d told us earlier.”
- “Yeah Twilight why didn’t you tell them, were you ashamed of me?”
- >Oh this was going to be good.
- >”I… butttt… you… usssss”
- >Grinning you bathed in her confusion.
- >”Hey Twilight a scroll from Princess Celestia just came for you.”
- >Spike the resident mailbox came shuffling in holding a sealed scroll which Twilight quickly snatched up with her magic.
- >Watching as her eyes scanned the parchment you noted that all color drained from her face.
- “You alright?”
- >”Consummate the marriage.”
- >What the fuck is a consummate?
- >This is not how you thought your wednesday night would go.
- >Apparently to consummate a marriage you had to go balls deep in Twilight mutherfucking Sparkle.
- >So here you were in only a pair of your best underwear waiting on the bed for Twilight to come out of the bathroom so you could “do it”
- >Tonight you would officially become a horsefucker.
- >Not a bad way either and you two were married so it didn’t seem to farfetched.
- >Hearing the bathroom door open your eyes trained on the doorway.
- >And you waited.
- >…
- >…
- >And the door slammed back shut.
- >Grabbing the paper on the nightstand you flipped to the crossword puzzle.
- “Hey Twilight five letter word for an archaic dragon?”
- >Muffled by the door you heard her voice.
- >”Drake.”
- “Cool, thanks.”
- >It was going to be a long night.
- >You waited for two hours.
- >You even finished the damn crossword puzzle. You might have looked at the answers once or twice.
- >Yet still no Twilight.
- >Throwing the paper aside you got up and went to the bathroom door.
- >Knocking gently you called out.
- “Twilight? Everything okay in there?”
- >Waiting for a response all you heard was “blurghufho”
- >Okay she’s throwing up.
- >Opening the door you couldn’t help but feel sad at the sight.
- >Twilight Sparkle, in pure white socks with her had in the toilet puking her guts out.
- >”Anon I’m so sorry blahihihhundn uhhhg those hayburgers were a mistake.”
- >Kneeling down you pulled back her mane so she didn’t get vomit on it.
- >You might have been an asshole but even you knew that when a girl hurls like this it’s the least you could do.
- “So is this because of the food or the sex thing?”
- >”Blafhhsjjksl ugghhh my stomach, the second one.” She managed to mumble through.
- >You stayed there and waited until she got it all out of her system.
- >After a few minutes you reached under her and picked her up cradling her small body in your arms.
- >Carrying her into the bedroom you laid her down on the soft cushiony bed.
- >”Anon I’m sorry.”
- “It’s alright. Get some sleep.” You said sliding into bed with her.
- >Wrapping your arm around the purple pony you brought her close.
- >You were overwhelmed by smell of lavender, how this girl managed to puke her guts out and still smell this nice was beyond you.
- >Feeling her relax and settle against your chest, you closed your eyes and fell asleep.
- >You both could try again tomorrow.
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