Drill Sergeant Anon

>You are a new recruit to the royal guard, Silver Spear
>you have heard horror stories about the drill instructor, a mysterious creature that had come through the portal Princess Twilight had accidentally opened
>you're sure he can't be THAT bad, he's just some hairless ape
>finally, the first day of boot
>after processing (which included a weirdly ritualistic shaving of all recruits' manes), you were all led to a small building
>upon entering, you see that this is where you will sleep for the next two months
>nothing special, two dozen bunks (one for each recruit) lined opposite walls, each with a trunk at the end
>all of you are told to stand next to your trunks and await the drill instructor to "properly welcome you"
>whatever that means
>you turn and catch the attention of a stallion you had met while waiting in line for the shaving, Snails
"Not exactly the most comfortable-looking digs, huh?"
>Snails barks out a short laugh
>suddenly, from the door into the room, you hear something that makes your blood run cold
>a single, solitary voice with enough power to shake the floors
>"WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT"

>if the room wasn't quiet before, it sure as hell was now
>you swear you could feel the air leave the room as everyone simultaneously clenched their assholes
>"Who's the slimy little Griffinist shit twinkle-toed horsecocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?! Nobody, huh? Princess fucking Luna said it! Out-fucking-standing! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your ponuts are sucking buttermilk!"
>a single bead of sweat rolls down your face
>this very angry green...thing...in a pristine black suit began to pace down the line of recruits
>he stops at the first stallion not looking directly ahead, a pretty scrawny guy you've seen hanging around Shining Armor
>you think his name was Glittering Helmet or something equally faggy
>The terrifying suited ape thing stops in front of him
>"Alright, you, Shining's bottom bitch. What's your name?"
>you see Glittering struggle to respond
>"Gl-gl-gl-gl-"
>"WELL SWEET MOTHER THERESA ON THE HOOD OF A MERCEDES-BENZ, you sound just like your mama! Do you suck dick?"
>Finally able to formulate words, Glittering responds
>"N-no"
>this seems to enrage him further
>"BULLSHIT, I BET YOU COULD SUCK A GOLFBALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE"
>"I BET YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GUY TO FUCK A MAN IN THE PONUT AND NOT EVEN HAVE THE GODDAMN COURTESY TOP GIVE HIM A REACHAROUND"
>you see a yellow puddle slowly forming underneath Glittering
>sweet Princess Celestia what have you gotten yourself into

>"WAS IT YOU THAT INSULTED MY FUCKING BEDS?"
>"Glittering is now a quivering mass of fear, tears leaking from his eyes as he quickly jerks his head back and forth in a "no" motion
>the unholy terror turns on his heel and locks eyes with Snails, who had been grinning at Glittering's treatment
>with three steps, each one sending a small "click" through the silent room, Snails now has a nose-to-nose view of hell
>so quietly only Snails and you could hear, it speaks
>"What about you, freckles? Was it you?"
>before the dumbass could say anything to fuck himself over, you decide to speak up
>"It was me. I said it."
>you hope your mother doesn't get a letter in the mail with "our condolences" at the top
>"Well, no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Chucklefuck? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister."
>confusedly, you ask
"If you're mad at me then why would you let me fuck your sister?"
>you're met with a dumbfounded look, one quickly overtaken by that of rage
>you see him cock back his arm
>you are now on the ground
>he plants his foot at the base of your tail to get a step closer to your bunk, and reads the name written there
>"You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers! I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your hooves! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!"
>spittle covers your face but you are too scared to wipe it off lest you prooke him further
>without lifting his foot he once again turns on his heel to address the entirety of the room
>you hold in your squeal of pain
>"I am gunnery sergeant Anon, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "sir". Do you faggots understand that?"

>it has now been two hours since you first met gunnery sergeant Anon
>you and the rest of the recruits have been taken to the armory to receive your standard issue spears
>Anon is calling you up one by one
>he gets to your name on his list, and an evil grin creeps its way across his face
>"Well, well, well, private Chucklefuck"
>guess he wasn't kidding
>"Don't just stand there like a useless sack of shit, come get your spear. I've got a special one, just for you."
>oh dear
>you step as slowly as you think he will allow to the weapons rack
>"Hold out your hands, private."
>you do as he says
>he then pulls from behind the weapons rack the LONGEST, neon pink dildo you have ever seen
>"This here is Bethany. She will be your spear and so help me Celestia if you don't treat her right I will P.T. you until you like it. Understood?"
"Sir, yes sir."
>all recruits were then told to go out onto the lawn of Canterlot palace to run drills
>Anon speaks up as you all march over, spears in tow
>"You faggots had better do EXACTLY as I say, because Princess fucking Celestia has decided to take time out of her busy schedule to watch you sacks of shit do drills on her lawn."
>hopefully, you think that Anon might swap out your "spear" for one more befitting a royal guard
>before you even have time to turn your head around, you hear him say
>"I know what you're thinking, private Chucklefuck. You will use the spear you were given."
>shit

>as Anon called out directions, you and the rest of your "platoon" (as he called it) swung or thrusted your spears
>"UP!"
>all spears started from the "ready" position of pointing forward and were quickly (or slowly, depending on the strength of the recruit) swiped up in a mock strike
>"DOWN!"
>all spears swiped back down, stopping once they returned to the level
>its a good thing your "spear" was relatively rigid, else you would have hit yourself in the head with the business end
>you allow your eyes to wander away from rigidly ahead and look behind Anon
>you see Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight, and a crowd of young mares
>the latter two of which were probably here to see all the sweaty guardstallions running drills
>however, most if not all of them were looking directly at you and giggling
>some were outright laughing
>at least it couldn't get any worse, right?
>as if on cue, Anon screams across the field
>"PRICATE CHUCKLEFUCK, WHAT IN THE NAME OF OUR QUEEN AND SAVIOR ARE YOU DOING TO HER BELOVED GUARD?!"

>ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck
>you look around
>everybody was in a different stance than you, and they must have rotated since last you paid attention
>the head of your phallic pink spear was now almost touching th4e recuit next to you, Glittering
>the smug look on his fucking face nearly drives you insane right there
>but you were much too scared to be angry
>Anon quickly walks from his spot at Celestia's side to you
>his volume doesn't change despite his proximity
>YOU ALMOST GRAVELY INJURED YOUR BROTHER IN ARMS, CHUCKLEFUCK
>hesitantly, you respond
"Sir, he wasn't in danger sir."
>his face lights up
>"WHY THE FLYING FUCK WASN'T HE IN DANGER, PRIVATE? YOUR SPEAR WAS MILLIMETERS AWAY FROM HIS CHEST"
"Sir, this isn't a spear sir."
>"NOT A SPEAR? IF IT'S NOT A SPEAR THEN WHAT IS IT PRIVATE?!"
>you all but whisper
"Sir, a dildo sir."
>"SAY AGAIN PRIVATE, THE PRINCESS DIDN'T HEAR YOU."
>fuck
"SIR, THIS IS A YARD LONG PINK DILDO SIR."
>Princess Celestia's face cracks and she snorts
>Princess Twilight is blushing
>the collection of mares are all now openly laughing
>double fuck

>after drills were done (a bit harsh for your first day, you thought), it was already time to hit the hay
>you could swear you hear Anon muttering under his breath
>'Fucking horse puns"
>weird
>anyway, Anon leads all of you to the so-called "barracks"
>the building wih the beds
>Anon begins speaking
>"Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your spears. You will give your spear a mare's name, because this is the only pussy you sorry spitfucks are going to get unless you decide Snails' ass looks too good to pass up."
>Snails was going to have himself a complex after this was over, you were sure
>"Your days of finger-banging ol' Cross-eyed Retardo through her stark white Depends are over! You're married to this piece, this weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful."
>"Now all you shitbirds get into your bunks."
>everyone hurriedly lies down on top of the blankets on their bed
>"Hold your spears over your heads!"
>you all do as you are told
>'Now, pray!"
>Anon had handed out a pamphlet with this prayer on it before drills started and told everyone to memorize it
>you suppose fear was an effective motivator, because everyone recited it perfectly

>"This is my spear. There are many like it, but this one is mine."
>you don't know, you think, looking at the pink dick poised over your head. you thought your spear was pretty unique
>"My spear is my waifu. It is like me. We are both extremely expendable. Without me, my spear is a spear. Without my spear, I am useless. With my spear, I am useless. I must thrust my spear true."
>"I must move faster than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must kill him before he kills me. I might, it's really a toss up."
>"Before Celestia I swear this creed: my spear and myself are inept but well-meaning defenders of my Princess’s kingdom, we are the fodder of our enemy, we are the possible saviors of my life."
>"So be it, until there is no enemy, but OP. Amen."
>hardly the most inspirational prayer
>Anon speaks up again
>"At ease! Good night, faggots."
>before he leaves he turns on a speaker system embedded in the walls
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HQaBWziYvY
>that fucking masochist
>you snuggle Bethany up close so it doesn't fall out of the bunk
>and, with her head disturbingly close to your head, you try to get to sleep

>the next day, you all are woken up...surprisingly...to say the least
>as your tired eyes crack open, you catch an atrocious but hauntingly familiar scent
>you roll over in your bunk, pissed off
>that motherfucker played that song on loop ALL NIGHT
>it's still playing
>you swear to Celestia, if joining the royal guard wasn't the only way you could make a living, you'd taker your "spear" and-
BLRLRLRLRLLRLRLBRLBRLBR
>ohcelestiawhatthefuck
>what is this
>Anon's voice rings out
>"WAKE UP YOU BUNCH OF COCKSUCKING WEEABOOS, WE HAVE WORK TO DO!"
>24 assistants wearing nurse's masks step away from 24 beds, with 24 confused and groggy stallions covered in a thick white substance
>you bring a hoof to your nose
>sweet Luna this is cum
"SWEET LUNA THIS IS CUM"
>Anon grins
>"Very astute observation, Chucklefuck. A friend of mine over at the sperm bank had an excess stock, and this batch was about to go bad. good thing I found a way to put it to good use, eh boys?"
>You look across the aisle
>Glittering Helmet is covering his mouth with his hoof, his cheeks bowed out
>little faggot can't even take being covered in cum
>walking out, Anon says
>"You lot of mouth-breathing autists have 30 minutes to clean this shit up, get showered, and meet me in the armory. Try not to fuck each other in the ass while you're washing up."

>as soon as Anon closes the door, everyone scrambles to find a way to wash their sheets
>some go to the bathroom to fight for one of the five sinks, some go to the showers to kill two birds with one stone, and some start crying
>still others just sat dumbfounded. you were one of these.
>then, you cast your gaze over to Glittering
>he and his posse of faggots are huddled in a circle around one of their trunks, trying to wring the cum out
>his two cronies were privates Cappa and Yotsuba
>Glittering had been nicknamed private Twatstain
>fitting
>you slowly stand up and trot over to the bathroom, and begin using one of the toilets to cean your sheets

>e3timewarp.gif
>you and your fellow recruits are lined up at 4 tables, each with 6 stations
>on the station is your spear, a can of honing oil, a roll of grip tape, and a sharpening stone
>Anon is giving out instructions on how to properly care for and maintain a spear
>"You puss-crusted, Rainbow Dash cunt looking motherfuckers are going to apply the honing oil to the head of your spear and use the stone there to sharpen it. I'll come around and show you how it's done if you don't know how. Dipshits."
>you sit and wait for Anon to get to you while you think about the morning
>you really wish you had checked for unflushed shit before you tried to use that toilet to clean your sheets
>oh well, you swapped with private Yotsuba when nobody was looking
>you dont feel bad in the slightest, fucker took your bread during dinner last night
>the feeling of heavy breathing shakes you from your reverie
>"What's the matter, Chucklefuck? Don't know what to do?"
>you look over your shoulder to find the green devil himself there
>"It's easy, you take that honing oil..."
>you pick up the can of oil, hands shaking
>"...and you apply it to the head of the spear."
>you squirt some oil onto the bulbous head of the aritificial dong that is your spear
>"No, no, rub it in private."
>you hesitantly put one of your hooves on the head of the dildo and begin rubbing
>"Now, let that sit while you tape up some handles on the shaft."
>you grab the tape and hastily make some handles, tears welling up in your eyes
>you look at Anon fearfully
>bueno.jpeg
>"Now, dont leave here until Bethany is sharp enough to punch a hole in your sister's cooter, got it?"
"s-sir, yes sir."
>and so, you got to work sharpening your dildo

>through no small feat of dedication, you have achieved what many thought impossible
>the head of your ribbed pink burden was now pointy
>it really did just look like an unfortunately colored spear now, aside from the ridges (for her pleasure)
>it was now time for target practice
>Anon led you all out to the range, where a line was drawn maybe ten feet from a row of targets
>"ALRIGHT YOU FUCKS, TIME TO LEARN TO REALLY USE THOSE SPEARS"
>you really wish Anon would stop screaming all the time
>it must hurt his throat, right?
>"YOU WILL ALL STAND BEHIND THIS LINE HERE AND HURL YOUR SPEARS, AS ONE. IF EVEN A SINGLE ONE OF YOU HORSECOCKSLEEVES DOES NOT LOOSE HIS SPEAR, I WILL MAKE YOU RUN LIKE A PACK OF ZEBRAS ARE AFTER YOUR WALLETS. LINE UP"
>you all line up
>"NOW, PLANT YOUR SPEARS ON YOUR RIGHT SIDE"
>you nervously plant your spear, and panic when you realize you put it on your left
>you quickly change it, praying to sweet Luna that Anon didn't see
>"YOU PRESCHOOL-FAILING, GRIFFIN-LOVING ONE-EYED SON OF A BITCH CHUCKLEFUCK I SAW THAT"

>oh Celestia
>Anon comes over
>he levels off with you, and slaps you across your left cheek
>"WHAT SIDE WAS THAT PVT CHUCKLEFUCK"
"SIR LEFT SIDE SIR"
>he slaps your right cheek
>"WHAT SIDE WAS THAT, PRIVATE CHUCKLEFUCK?"
"SIR RIGHT SIDE SIR"
>"WAS THAT SO HAAAAAAARD, YOU DICKLESS FAIRY-TYPE WOULD-BE POKEMON?"
"SIR NO SIR"
>tears stream down your red cheeks
>"LEARN IT"
"SIR YES SIR"
>as Anon walks back, you could swear you hear Snails chuckle
>dick
>apparently Anon thought so too
>"PRIVATE SNAILS, FRONT AND CENTER"
>Snails scrabbles to the front and stands at attention
>he knows he fucked up
>Anon thinks for a second, then says
>"Take the hem of your shirt, pull it inside along your chest and pull it out the neck."
>you have to stifle a laugh of your own
>fucker has his shirt Daisy Duke'd
>"This is your new uniform, understood?"
>snails responds weakly
>"y-yes sir"
>"I DIDNT HEAR YOU PRIVATE
>snails responds much loudeer
>"SIR YES SIR"
>Anon starts a bit
>"DON'T YOU FUCKING YELL AT ME YOU LITTLE VAGINA. YOU HAVE LATRINE DUTY FOR THE REST OF BOOT. DO YOU LIKE MEXICAN FOOD?"
>snails is crying openly now
>"s-s-sir y-yes sir"
>Anon grins
>"Good, so do I."

>you are still Silver Spear, also known as private Chucklefuck
>it is now week five of boot
>the last few weeks have been a flurry of activity
>training, mental conditioning, more training
>always with a very loud green monkey "encouraging" you all
>however, today was different
>gunnery sergeant Anon walked into the barracks, and all recruits were already on their feet
>you had all learned your lesson
>Anon seems displeased
>moreso than usual
>making a face like he was cleaning the latrines with his tongue, he spoke
>"Today, Princess Twilight has seen fit to give the entire military the day off..."
>excited chatter commences
>"holy shit, really?"
>"i get to go see my mom?"
>"what a cooincidence, im going to see your mom too"
>"hey fuck you!"
>Anon stomps his foot, dust knocking loose from the ceiling
>"ALRIGHT CUM DUMPSTERS, SHUT YOUR DAAAAMN STUPID MOOOOUTHS."
>"I DONT WANT TO WALK BACK INTO THIS ROOM TOMORROW AND BE HIT WITH A SHOWER OF FETUSES FROM YOUR UNWANTED PREGNANCIES."
>he quiets back down to his normal speaking level
>which is still rather loud
>"As such, I have had a friend of mine in the pharmaceuical industry hook us up with a supply of two dozen boxes of latex helmets."
>"They're size medium, if you need something smaller get it yourself."
>everybody hurriedly steps forward and grabs a package of rubbers
>Anon speaks up again
>"And I swear to the virgin Twilight herself-"
>you could swear you hear laughing in the distance
>"-if i find out you got any and didnt use one of these fucking things, I WILL P.T. YOU UNTIL YOU PISS BLOOD!"
>as one, the recruits respond
>"SIR YES SIR"

>this was going to be great, you thought
>a day out on the town, eat some food that isn't cold soup
>plus, you've really beefed up since starting boot, and you know what that means
>maybe you can find a mare who hasn't heard about what happened on the Canterlot palace lawn
>and convince her to do the horizontal mamba
>the mush 'n' push
>the no pants dance
>what are pants?
>your attention jerks back in front of you
>you find yourself in one of the narrow Canterlot streets
>you also find yourself face to face with the cutest mare you've ever seen
>light brown coat, darker brown mane, with surprisingly green eyes
>she speaks
>"well, how're YOU doing, soldier?"
>you're confused
"How did you know i was in the guard?"
>she lifts her forehoof and points at your clothes
>ah, right. the uniform.
>once more, she speaks
>"you lookin for some companionship, jarhead?"
>you shake your head "yes"
>"Good, then follow me."
>she turns and starts to head into what you assumed was her apartment building
>dat flank

>after alot of heavy petting, it's time
>time to lose your virginity
>you take the package of condoms that Anon had so graciously given out
>you open the package
>you hear the mare (whose name you never caught) behind you-
>"come on baby, hurry up. me want to love you long time ~"
>you laugh even though you dont get the joke
>you hope its a joke and not how she really talks
>anyway, you tear the foil wrapper off of the rubber
>read the instructions
>and slide it down onto yourself
>...
>...
>...
>this is kinda loose, you think
>really loose, you amend
>like a hotdog in a trash bag
>oh Celestia, are you small?
>the package says medium after all
>you instantly deflate
>you need an escape route
>looking around, you see the mare looking at you impatiently, and clearly annoyed
>and a window
>but how to escape
>...
>...
>you whip the condom into her face
>"WHAT THE FUCK"
>while she's distracted, you sprint out the door
>and don't stop until youi get back to the barracks
>literally the only thing that could have made this day any worse is if Anon was involved in some way
>good thing he wasn't, you thought

>Anon sat alone in his office, smoking a cigar and drinking from a glass of scotch
>looking at his desk and the assorted materials therein, he cracked a grin
>then began to chuckle
>eventually, this morphed into a maniacal laugh, his glass spilling over and soaking his suit pants
>his cigar falling onto his desk, right next to a mountain of empty condom boxes
>each one labeled "XXL"
>next to those, a pile of rolls of condoms, medium sized

>this is it
>graduation day, so to speak
>the day you're fully introduced to the royal guard
>you and 23 other young stallions have gone through hell to get here
>grueling physical hardships in the shape of drills upon drills upon drills, watering the Canterlot palace lawn with your sweat
>psychological torture- being woken up by semen, embarrasing changes to equipment and uniform, and humiliation on a much more...personal level
>but, all of this has hardened you. made you...different
>harder
>no time to laugh at that, Anon is calling out the names of the new guards
>"PVT TWATSTAIN!"
>you see his mother in the crowd, her mouth hanging open and her cheeks bright red
>he walks up as the helmet marking him a royal guard is placed upon his head
>"NEXT, PVT YOTSUBA!"
>"PVT CAPPA!"
>"PVT M00TYKINS!"
>"PVT COCKSOCK!
>"PVT TOPCUNT!"
>on and on the names go
>wow, look at all these fucking background characters
>you can tell they were thought about as little as possible
>you digress
>it's your turn
>"PVT CHUCKLEFUCK!"
>you stand up from your chair and make your way forward
>each step of your hoof bring back a fond memory
>well, maybe not fond
>it almost makes you want to stop walking, to be honest
>but, you get face to face with Anon
>he smiles
>not the horrifying smile you're used to, but a warm smile
>like you were an old friend
>he puts the helmet on your head
>he leans in and whispers
>"Hail Hyda"
"what?"
>"nothing."
>END

Epilogue
>you are private first class Silver Spear, nicknamed "Chucklefuck"
>the Changelings have been launching guerrila raids on outlying Equestrian towns for weeks now
>real smash and grab stuff, then they'd disappear into the Everfree
>tonight, it was your turn to be on lookout at your outpost
>and you could see glowing green eyes in the forest
>you slowly and carefully reach for your spear
>an oak-shafted, steel-headed affair you affectionately referred to as "Matilda"
>you'd never outright replace Bethany
>the scouts in the brush see you and a horn blows, the raiding party advancing on your outpost extremely quickly
>you stand and sound the alarm just how your old DI taught you
"GET THE FUCK UP YOU BUNCH OF TWINKLE-TOED FAIRIES! WE GOT COMPANY!"
>as loudly and with as much vulgarity as possible
>without waiting for anyone to actually get up, you hoist Matilda
>you charge into the waiting maws of those shapeshifting bastards
>you don't even think about running or hiding
>there's something scarier than the Changelings waiting for you if you do that