Barrister-Barista Sketch

BARRISTER OR BARISTA?

Lecture theatre. The TEACHER stands and speaks to the class. There are a row of people sitting on stage who take in LOUIS’ speech in amazement.

TEACHER
Welcome students, and thank you for coming in early today for what I am sure will be an inspiring speech from a very successful alumni of this esteemed law school. Mr Louis Louipini graduated from this school in 1982 with special consideration after the violent death of his parents left him an emotional wreck. He has recovered somewhat and his personal story is an inspiration to us all. Louis.

TEACHER claps as LOUIS takes the podium.

LOUIS
Thank you Gerry for reminding me of that difficult time in my life. I truly am blessed to be able to talk to you all today and to see the brightest and most talented young people in our profession. The drive, energy and passion for life is essential for us. The scent you can smell when you prepare to grind the beans is indescribable. It is truly an honour to pursue the craft of a barrister.

TEACHER
Louis. Just want to confirm, you are referring to being a barrister. You know, your training?

LOUIS
Oh yeah! The training. Now listen up, kids. This training thing is fucking hard. You’ll get into your seventh semester of criminal law and just wonder – where the hell did things go wrong? Can I really last another year? But kids… if you’re like me, you’ll head down to the local café and have a sip of the sweet stuff, then you remember what you’re working for… the dream’s alive.

TEACHER
I’m sorry, Louis? I just wanted to clarify, today’s discussion is for our young aspiring barristers and solicitors.

LOUIS
Look, Gerry. I’m happy to talk about my years as a bean-slinger but my time as a “solicitor” in St. Kilda’s infamous red-light district is not for discussion. It was a dark time in my life, my parents just having been murdered and all. I don’t wish to revisit it now.

TEACHER
Can you tell us about your first time at the bar?

LOUIS
After all that law stuff, I only just managed to get behind the bar last week. This guy comes in and after a cross-examination of the usual suspects – Mr. Latte, Mr. Short Black, Mr. T – he asks for a guilt-free ‘cino. So I start taking him through the possibilities of plea bargains with no conviction on his record. Turns out the guy just wanted non-fat milk.

He comes back every day now at around 7am and we have a good laugh about it. Actually, the way he’s flirting with me, you’d think he was a solicitor.

TEACHER
Class, I’m sorry, there appears to have been some sort of miscommunication.

STUDENT IN CROWD
Mr. Louipini, I’m in my first year and I was wondering how you kept motivated through the years of studies.

LOUIS
It is still hard to see what justice and courts have to do with coffee, but I think the key to staying motivated was around exam time, when I needed all the coffee I could get my hands on just to stay awake during those boring exams. But you have to work to live your dream, and apparently that work involves defending criminals and practicing the law for a while.

Murmur of agreement in the students and a puzzled teacher

TEACHER
So you... I don’t understand... are you talking being a barrister or barista?

LOUIS
Barrister, barista – it’s all the same in “the biz”. Whether you’re a Spanish barista or good old Aussie barrister. Coffee beans have no race.

TEACHER
Class, I don’t know what to say. This man has clearly confused the decade of training to become a law professional with the 8-hour TAFE course to become a barista.

A student gets up.

STUDENT IN CROWD
Wait... there’s a difference? I want to make coffee too! I sat the LSAT for nothing?!

All students agree, stand up and leave the room.

LOUIS
	…coffee?