Ivan Grozny [Alpha Version]

All things always come to an end. That is the harsh reality she had learned when he was forced to leave her to attain the throne as the Emperor of Ruthenia. That thought, as always, comes to her as she helped him dress up so that he can leave. How she wanted to be the one who had been fixing his appearance, cooking his meals, cleaning his room, and be known that she is the true one who captured his love, just as it had been when they were children. So deep she had been in those thoughts, she startled when she felt his lips plant a kiss her forehead and his hands fondle her ears.

“Tell me what makes you happy. I get sad when I see you sad.” His voice had gone gruffer over the years, yet she could not mistake the genuine consideration that had always remained.  She didn’t answer, but merely admired the appearance of her Master, once the sickly asthmatic and obscure son of the Imperial family, now the mighty statesman of the largest domain of the northern hemisphere.

Not only had he become the imposing man a Kikimora would die for. He had showered her with unselfish kindness no lover of another royalty might enjoy. Even with the short time he could make for himself, he had gone to see her if she’s alright, and give her what a Kikimora needs to live. All more because of his never-ending gratitude rather than lust for her.

Just seeing him already makes her happy.

“You.”

At that answer, he smiled and it’s already a precious thing for her. And even more when he wrapped his arms around her, putting her in a confident security and warmth. Yet it’s all nothing compared to these words he spoke: “Thank you for taking care of me.”

He had already thanked her by not forgetting her, but those words still hold a special meaning. From all what he had done for her, and all his feelings, even subtle they may be at times, she knew that she will always be a part of his life, no matter how. Time passed by as they let themselves in each other’s embrace, reliving the old, heartfelt feelings from the past, but it could only afford so much. Soon, the moment will come he must go away, back to the Kremlin, back to being Emperor and to his duties. Every time he has to leave, his last words for her before their time together must come to an end reverberate on her. As well as his mournful eyes that showed the truth beneath his impassive façade.

I’m sorry if it has to go this way.

The words struck deep in her heart as she helped him finish fix himself. A little here and there and her Master would leave. She would give anything to make this moment last. Anything, if only possible.

A tear escapes from her eye, but before she could wipe it off, her Master’s hand already did it for her.

“You’ve been lonely for long enough.” he whispered “I’d be letting you go after this.” She could discern how he really felt; he had only forced himself to say the words, no matter how he made it seem he can go on with it. “You can go on without me. Find a new husband or a new Master—“

“No!” Tightly she embraced him, burying her face on his chest. All there she sobbed all her suffering in recognition of truth, and how it had separated them from each other. “I just want to be with you! I want to love you! I want to serve you with all my heart…I just want…I just…”

He caressed her lavender hair as if it is fragile. “I love you too. I want you to stay too, I admit. But I’ll have to let you go. You’ll have to forget me. The longer you stay here, the worse it’ll only get for you.”

“But you tried to make up with me…” she insisted. “You came here to see me. Everyone looks upon you. You have your wife and your children. But you still cared for me. I know you’ll always love me. And you know it.” she sobbed. “Now, why...?”

“Because…because…” It’s getting harder for him to maintain his composure. From him trying not to let his voice break and the pain she could feel in his heart, she knew. “Because it’s for your own good. I love you, and I want you to be free from all your burdens. But as long as you remain here…” alone, forgotten and imprisoned in what had been once their childhood home “you’ll never get to live your life. You’ll be no different than a prisoner. You’ll have to let go. It’s all in the past now.”

Those words, wise as they are as a fact of life, had just been forced by him as ‘what must be said’. She knew just from hearing how he said it.

“No. No. No. Ivan. No.”

“You’ll have to accept it, Katya.”

It didn’t keep from getting her more hysterical “No. Please don’t tell me you don’t love me anymo—”

“I still love you. That’s why I’ll let you go. You must understand.”

“Understand?” she removed her face from his chest, to look up on him, eye-to-eye. “Don’t tell me this is another thing about royal conduct that I can’t understand!”

He was taken aback by her sudden outburst. Indeed, how he had managed to still be with her after all the years, without anyone else knowing, is that while the Emperor and the heir apparent couldn’t have a mamono as a wife, he could keep her as a concubine, with secrecy actually optional. It is a loophole only few, including them, know. And it more bewildered her that because he loves her, he has to let her go. Till one more thing came to her, her voice coming down from sullenness to sorrow “Or do you want me to go away? Because you’ve been seeing me as a burden lately?”

“No. Neither of those things. Someday you’ll understand.” he explained calmly, belying the sadness he too felt.

“But you’ll never. You’d rather want me to stay. You know it.” She stated as firm as she could, but no matter how far she hoped, it’s still up to him, that he would listen to what his heart really says.

“No.”

“Ivan, plea—“

“NO!” Now it’s her turn to be taken aback. Never once in their lifetime he had raised his voice on her like that. Once the finality dawned on her, she was stricken by utmost grief that her legs almost gave out, had he never caught her.

The furious exasperation that had been there for a second then gone had vanished; loving concern and regret once again took over. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. It’s just you deserve to make yourself a life. You can be happy without me. Most of all, believe you can. Believe that you can do it.”

Believe you can do it. The words still echo in her memories. It’s the same words she had once cheered on him whenever he seemed to falter, his breath growing short, especially in the days spent chasing each other on the prairie. The same trust she had once put on him, he is now giving it to her too.

“You’ll have to do without me, because things have been getting harder lately. I’m not sure if I can be with you for even a time being. But one false move for me and I may not even make it out alive.”

She could not answer back, still digesting the truth and the reason behind making her leave. After letting all of it sink in, there’s only a last plea left to make.

“Please let me stay here.” Let her remain with all the memories of the sweet past. Even if she has to recognize the present, the past will always remain a priceless treasure for her. But she expects the worst; another denial from him for a reason she’ll never comprehend.

“Don’t worry.” he assured “This will be yours from now on.”

Joyous relief came to her that it washed away even if only at least half of the heartache earlier. It was so much that she let herself on his arms, letting her tears fall.

“You knew all my flaws and all my weaknesses, yet you still remained by my side and loved me with all your heart…I will always love you.”

She knew indeed. For a boy to didn’t much have intimate friends, or even loved ones, the sweet little Kikimora who was just left to him there and then changed his life. Helped him to be stronger. Livelier. Impressive. For a Kikimora to see that she now had a Master she could be proud of, her joy is on its paramount. But so is her sorrow and frustration: Why did the world have to take him away from her? They still managed to have time together, even if he had gone to marry his Empress two years ago. Why now?

“Master…” she kept sobbing. The mixed contrasting emotions were too much for her to handle that she could almost feel herself give out. Even in the face of reality, she still wanted to be with him till infinity itself ends. If only she would be in the control, not the world.

“Ivan…” she sniffled, saying his true name as her manners crumbling from much. “Ivan…why?”

“Katya…”

Feeling his hand lovingly caress her hair, she looked up to him again. His eyes too are filling with unshed tears, his stolid expression that everyone used to see him with trying not to break. But it’s clear to her senses how he feels too.

“Ivan…please…”

She meant that he let himself show what his true feelings are. Even if he didn’t want to, it didn’t matter. For he answered by planting a kiss on her forehead, at first. Then the bridge of her nose. By the time her lips finally meet his, the sorrow in his heart had finally poured down from his now-closed eyes.

His lips momentarily broke out, out of hesitation at first, before pulling her in an even deeper kiss. One of his hands makes its way through her dress and into her underwear. Katya knew what he wanted now, and what she wanted too. If only for the last time, for he won’t be coming here anymore.

------

“Ugh…ah?”

She could not believe it was just a dream. It seemed like it happened yesterday when it had six years ago, but the tears in her eyes and the heat throbbing inside her not only feels all truly real. She misses his touch. She misses his kiss. She misses his…their everything.

Six years of loneliness and she had been used to the cold wintry nights without him, but it’s nothing compared to when he had been there. Without a Master to wake up early and cook breakfast for, the Kikimora felt too sluggish just to wake up. She almost did not care anymore.

At least until the gift of their love, beside her, serves as a reminder, just in time the gift opened to wake her up.

“Mama—Mama, are you crying?” The drowsy young Kikimora looked up on her mother with worry. “Do you miss Papa very much?” As expected of a Kikimora, her daughter had already gauged what she truly feels.

“Yes, Anya.”

“Then why don’t we see him?”

If only they could see him, she thought. “We can’t, dear. He’s too far away.”

She could see the disappointment, and much more so the painful desolation, on her daughter’s hazel eyes. “Does Papa loves us at all?”

“Yes. He’s always thinking about us after all.” It is at least the truth after all. Though it is not just enough for Anya.

“I want to see him. I want to know what he’s like.”

Katya understood. Anya has the right of knowing who her father is. She could have given the answers right now. If only that if it is not so very complicated, if only it’s all that Ivan is her beloved Master and husband that is on a distant job on a faraway place, and that he’ll be back to see them. Anya’s too young yet to understand how complicated life can be.

But just like any other day, she has to grow strong and move on, just as Master would want.

“Come on, there’s school today.”

------

For what’s supposed to be a dangerous road to the town, the walk had been actually quite peaceful that Anya could have walked alone and made it into the school without a problem. Memories of the surly head maid of their childhood warning against ‘bad people’ lurking around and stealing disobedient children flooded back in her mind. But now, even at night, people could still walk freely going around their businesses without fear.

It would have been that peaceful if not for one seemingly unremarkable man following them, as if she would not pick him up that easily. Though for a stalker, just by feeling his subtle presence, he doesn’t seem to hold lecherousness, or even some kind of malicious intent. That, however, did nothing to allay her hidden anxiety. After dropping off Anya on the town school, she had a talk with the school headmistress about the matter and the headmistress assured that her Golems guarding the premises won’t let the man in.

Now it’s Katya’s turn to go to her place of work. The skills she had learned and put to use very well in serving her beloved has also been instrumental in getting her job in the restaurant as well. While he had been sending them a regular stipend every three months, it would do better for her to stand by herself. Still, she wondered, even he had not been sending letters ever since that fateful night and that he had virtually vanished from her life, why would he keep sending her money after all these years? Perhaps—

“Miss!” a voice called out.

Her heart almost jumped. It belonged to the man who had been following her. Even so she tried her best not to show her surprise, although she could not help but worry that she might be showing too much.

The man is out of place enough to be above suspicion, but from knowing many personalities in the town, she could already deduce that he is a stranger and has come recently. When not seeing him following in her daily walks to and from her home, she could see him dealing various goods to merchants, so for all she knew he could be just a middleman. That aside, she put in place first the work for today, trying to look as her best as possible.

[WORK IN PROGRESS]

Had not been for her suspicion earlier, this interaction would have been less awkward for her, between a customer and an employee. The man did not notice it, though. Not that she had slipped in her appearance as far as she knew. But even if she did not notice something unusual on him, she put in her mind what people knew of Kikimoras and their ability to feel subtle emotions.

To her relief, he left for good after having his fill, not coming back for the rest of the day. And so the day, just like it had always been for years, grinded on for Katya, with some exception that she helped the more experienced cooks whenever customers come in on greater numbers. With the end of the day’s work, so does Anya’s day in school, and they’d go home hand in hand.

It would have made a difference if Ivan is walking with them, she thought.

These days, she could only see him and his name in the newspaper she bought for the week, or heard in the radio whenever they work. It filled her pride to have served him very well from his childhood, when she hears people about Ivan’s deeds and efforts. For some that grumbled about his ‘increasing repression of freedom’, it would mean the other thing. For others that praised his work on making the lives of his subject better, they have come to treat him akin to a god. For Katya, he would always remain the same: a caring father and husband, no matter how far he is to them.

“Mama, do you love the Czar?”

Anya’s question came out of the blue, but the feeling she gets whenever being reminded of her Master does not lie. Moreover, she had taught her that lying is no good and it would be no good to teach the opposite. “I-it’s somewhat…kind of…”

“But what about Papa?”

Katya could not answer. She did not know whether to divulge the truth or not at this point, till the third answer came to her. “It’s just he reminds me of Papa very much.”

“But he’s not Papa.”

Her complaint was so much for her to hear, even if her daughter doesn’t know the truth yet, but she held herself. Even so, the pain she felt just hearing Anya denying her own father welled so much that Anya sensed it nonetheless. The young Kikimora didn’t ask any question, just embraced her as tightly as she could.

“Ma? Why? Please tell me.” Anya pleaded in heartbreak. “Papa’s my only Papa. I don’t want to see the Czar. I want Papa!”

[WORK IN PROGRESS]