UPL Pre-Draft Predictions 2016

[CENTER]Now, for the highly anticipated:
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Welcome to the first of many annual pre-draft UPL predictions! Here, we discuss not only the up-and-coming stars of this season, but the sleeper picks, the top-notch players sure to make an appearance, and even the people who have deepthroated enough in a private Skype chat to get bought anyway! (And maybe even get a Super Moderator nomination.) The Ubers Premier League, ever since its inception, has been a hallmark of the highest level of Ubers competition, as displayed in the incredibly skillful, active and popular UPL I. Now, four years and a shitton more people later, @Fireburn has taken up the mantle of host, and the beloved tradition continues. Ubers' removal from SPL has only done more to hype up this tournament, even leading to it starting earlier than initially forecasted. With such a heavily anticipated season ahead of us, many questions remain. Will @Dice go for enough money to bail Greece out of debt? Will anyone actually play before the deadlines? WILL FIREBURN MAKE AN ACTIVITY CALL THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH?! Without further ado: Your 2016 UPL Preliminary Predictions!

[These rankings are in no particular order, nor was much thought given to the people included. Kinda like the Drizzler's roster the last two years. VM any complaints about these rankings to user: @Jibaku's wall - he's very interested in your opinions. Which is more than I can say for myself.][/CENTER]

[B]THE STAPLES:[/B]
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These players are sure to make as big of a splash as the Kyogre that just can't stay away from Kingmidas' power lines. Old and new faces alike are featured in this category, from some sleeper picks sure to impress, to people who have spent so long playing this game that their liver has been permanently damaged from salt intake.

@ZoroarkForever - Although his manager must be concerned of an apparent weakness to Staryu, ZoroarkForever returns to Ubers Premier League fresh off the hype of being bought for SPL, and should ride that hype all the way to a good record.

@Hack - Hack once again returns to UPL after a rather stressful season last year, featuring an implosion week two and a headache for all involved. Nevertheless, the power of two computers and one Swedish deathmetal-head should once again prove a force to be reckoned with this year.

@Kebabe - Hack once again returns to UPL after a rather stressful season last year, featuring an implosion week two and a headache for all involved. Nevertheless, the power of two computers and one Swedish deathmetal-head should once again prove a force to be reckoned with this year.

@Sweep - Hoping to go positive for the first xPL in recent history, the Ubers tier leader is sure to dominate the Ubers Premier League scene with innovative techniques, drunken rage and a fascinating obsession with mollusks.

@Steve Angello - He was salty BEFORE it was cool. Hell, this man was salty before salt [I]existed[/I]. This man is so salty that when people go to the hospital in cardiac arrest, a touch from the pinky of Steve Angello will jumpstart the heart forty five and a half times, before eventually shrivelling the patient into a dust heap thereafter known only as the Official Laddering Tournament. If he puts half the effort into UPL as he does into expediting global warming, he just may come at Lord Outrage for his throne back.

@Lady Gaga - Without a doubt, the single best player this Ubers Premier League. The Stone Cold Slayer returns for yet another dominant year, now returning to his home tier of XY. The only thing that can stop this man is a global moderator scared of www.penisland.com, and, judging by the lack of a Balance Badge, the only one scared of penisland around here is Fireburn.

@March Fires - The Leonardo DiCaprio of the sinking ship that is Pokemon Online!, Tape has finally jumped ship to the land of QueenofHax, Bedschibaer memes and, if you're [I][B]extremely[/B][/I] lucky, an appearance by Fireburn. With a better simulator and better opponents, Tape can only flourish.

Krauersaut - [21:08:32] Orch: Krauersaut is a veteran Ubers player who have placed very highly in many tournaments especially the highly prestigious PS! room tournaments. He is a sure win for any team who picks him up. Krauersaut going for any amount under 30k is an outrageous steal.

@Lord Outrage - The monopoly this single entity has over the entire salt industry put McDonalds, Wendy's AND Pepperidge Farm out of business single-handedly. Legend has it that when he touched a raw chicken, it instantly became a KFC Chicken Nuggets special. If he takes a break from his busy schedule of destroying all fertile farmland in the world, he will dominate the scene.

[B]THE "MAYBE"S:[/B]
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The people in this category are under the radar for now, but after this UPL, their names will be the stuff of legend... for good or bad is up them.

@Haruno - The Angel of Ubers. Aurora's truly fantastic choice to pick up last season, Haruno sported a truly fantastic 2-2 record. Isn't that truly fantastic? (Hey. It's better than Dice did, and Dice went for fifteen times more than him.)

@Absdaddy - A diamond in the rough of DPP Ubers, the daddy with abs seems on track to make another impressive performance this year, so long as he can stay away from Little Cup for long enough to make teams.

@Shrang - Shrang is almost as unpredictable as Hyw's sexual preferences. Whether it's a Mud Slap Mega Kangaskhan, or a Substitute Mega Kangaskahn, or a wish Mega Kangaskhan, or... welll.... alright, maybe he's a bit predictable. But hey, at least he beat Krauersa- oh, wait.. umm.... hey, at least he's a Room Owner. He can't be that bad, right?

@Orch - It is an undeniable truth that he not only is fat, but that he will quash all competition. The Gothitelle fetish combined with the heated passion for a well played Whimsicott roots Orch firmly in place as a formidable threat this UPL.

@Iris + @Benbe - The two have made it very clear that they are a package deal. Questions about their sexuality aside, the master and student have proven to be knowledgeable in the metagame where Heatran is a viable option. If they can get out of the hotel room for long enough to play their matches, they should impress.

@Zorodark - Following Tape's example, Zorodark made the hop from PO to PS. The former tier leader of his own right hasn't done much of, well, anything yet, really. But that's what UPL is for, and he certainly has the experience to go far.

@Blim - The living proof that nobody ever truly quits this game, Blimlax makes a special appearance for UPL IV. Quitting somewhere in the vicinity of 58 times has taken its toll on his skill... although even a shadow of what he used to be would still toss people out like last week's trash, he barely qualifies as that. Still could do well, though.

@Vileman - Fading slowly into irrelevance after not being picked up in SPL, Vileman's only contribution to the tournaments scene in the last two years has been losing to Krauersaut in every official tournament they've been paired together in. But hey, he's adorable and his memes are top-tier.

@Shadowquinn - Rising to prominence after defeating Ubers legend Hack in the most recent Seasonal Circuit tournament, the former ladder hero was well on his way to gaining respect from the Ubers community. Then, four rounds and another encounter with Hack later, as Bastille would put it - "the walls came tumbling down". Nonetheless, he's proven there's something there, and if he does well this UPL, it'll establish him as a threat.

@Hyw - HENRI WANG IS IN THE HOUSE. Hyw holds the most impressive ladder record ever seen by a mortal soul, and as we all know, the ladder epitomizes skill. His deft, skillful use of his trademark, innovative Hyper Offense team leaves his victims in shambles, his fans with nosebleeds and his gay lovers with boners. He's coming, and with him comes the full force of a Japanese teenager playing a Japanese game. Beware.

[B]THE UNTOUCHABLES[/B]
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Prolonged exposure to these individuals may result in fatal blood toxicity levels, extremely rapid gain/loss in weight, and onset of grand mal seizures - you've been warned.

@Donkey - THIS MAN BEAT THE UBERS TIER LEADER, FIREBURN, WITH A KASIB BERRY MEWTWO, AT THE HIGHEST, MOST PRESTIGIOUS LEVEL OF TOURNAMENT PLAY ON SMOGON DOT COM. A KASIB. BERRY. MEWTWO. Too bad he's washed up now, though. If Donkey manages to break his personal record of lasting in a Premier League (a staggering twelve days), he may just manage to go 0-3 before going back to playing at a 1k MMR level on DOTA.

@Transcendent God Champion - We are undeserving of his skill. To buy him would be an insult - it would imply that such talent can be bought, nay, even looked upon by mere mortals such as ourselves. We can only abide by his guide to Ethics, in the hopes of one day being deemed worthy to gaze upon him. Until such propheted day arrives, we must only pray.

@Tomahawk - Astounded got the team with arguably the best possible retain options. And, out of them, he chose... a DPP player. Congratulations, Astounded, on spending 11.5k on a slot that a) won't be hard to fill, b) cost more than you could have bought him for in the auction, and c) isn't even the best DPP option. Pity.

@AM - Born alongside an opened umbrella, the only thing worse than AM's posts in Policy Review are his Ubers-playing abilities. The most impressive thing he's ever done is manage to make over 3000 shitposts in under two years.

@PROBLEMS - One finger wag from the Brit results in Smogmog access, an Ubers suspect test and a Xerneas ban on Pokemon Online, yes - but one critical hit and he'll spontaneously combust into a cloud of pure sodium chloride. If Problems was drowning in the vast ocean of saltwater that is his gene pool, I'd toss him a barbell. Which might actually help him, since it's probably five or six times smarter than he is anyway.

@Thugly Duckling - Ah! The hotheaded homophobe returns once again to grace us with the over-inflated ego of someone who got ghosted to one win vs an ex SPL player who doesn't even play the tier. You don't need to be a proctologist to diagnose this guy as a massive asshole. The only question is - will a manager be daft enough to pick him up?

@Kingmidas - The undisputed king of everything wrong with Ubers Premier League, Kingmidas makes his return to UPL to provide us with the laughter we need in our lives. He single-handedly ruined UPL II, and managed to do so in under all of the seven turns he actually played for. There is no lower than this man... no, that isn't right. There is no lower than this [U]child[/U] managed to go. To the manager suicidal enough to pick him up, I hope you have a big ass spoon to feed him with, and a chiropractor to fix your back after.

And now, for a bonus:

[B]MANAGER PREDICTIONS:[/B]
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@Astounded - The least impressive of all the mini-Hacks to rise to prominence with ORAS, his IQ level is presumably why he went into the Lair of Judgment and came out Astounded. Should his drafting skills represent that accurately (and, judging by his retention choice, they do), then it won't surprise anyone when the Durians perform about as good as they smell.

@Level 56 - He's great at Ubers, there's no question about that. He doesn't talk much, but when he does... nobody would know what he said, If he can draft like he plays, the Helix Fossils will have a worthy successor.

@Mr.378 - Upon many hours of meditation upon the matter in solitude, I have arrived at the conclusion that the 378 in his name represents the amount of coat hangers he dodged. He's been on this website for almost ten years now. TEN. Aside from the evident loss of brain cells, he's at least capable enough to play the game, and should be able to piece together a good team by Soul Dews standards, anyhow. (Though, judging by the Soul Dews' performance the last three years, that isn't saying much.)

@Nayrz - The wise words "if u nvr stop drinking, ull never get a hangover" come from none other than a wise man. Inheriting the golden chair once sat upon by Melee Mewtwo, Ryan-Z (Jay-Z's dyslexic nephew) should impress with his UPL run this year, assuming he remains sober for long enough to actually draft.

@Raseri - While he may not play Ubers, you don't need to play the tier to be good at drafting for it, and Raseri's set to prove that this year with the Skymins. He also has the prestigious niche of being one of two straight Super Moderators, proving he knows what he's doing. Besides, after last year, there's not really much room to go anywhere but up anyway.

@yohoE - The queen bee of Ubers, yohoE returns for his second UPL so close to the taste of victory last time (which, by the way, smells like a spiky green ovular fruit that smells like canned HIV). This can only motivate the hoE to put together an even better squad this year, and maybe even take it all.

[CENTER]And that concludes this year's 100% accurate, entirely non-biased rendition of the UPL Pre-Draft Predictions. If you weren't mentioned, you aren't relevant. Until next year~! <3[/CENTER]