Dreamlog

4-1-12
Took place in Morrowind. The Nerevarine was loathe to accept her title, because her family (which had ties to the Temple?) would disown her. Julan tried to convince her that it was a good thing. Proof was found in the form of tools, which were left/right-handed and did not match the dominant hands of the people they belonged to. The game ended over a dispute about smithing bows.


4-10-12
There was an Indian family who wanted to run a business (?) with my proxy on a boat. The boat was on the ocean, on a rug, which would float so long as everybody sat on it correctly. The woman’s husband died, and she kept crying, which I think was what sank the rug/boat. It was remarked that Indian people can’t run businesses because they get sad too easily. But at some other point there was a storm, which would have sank the boat anyway, so…

There was a blonde teenager/woman who was the patient of the week on House. At first it was clear that she was an actor, but as the dream progressed, the symptoms started manifesting for real (this wasn’t a plot point, the dream just seemed to forget that she was an actor in the first place and started writing straight fanfiction). She remarked, while eating pizza, that she wasn’t sure what would happen next; consequently, her mouth started rotting. I think her brain was rotting too. But House cured her eventually. Then she started stalking him, at one point jumping over a barbed-wire fence. House was homeless. He kept avoiding her.


5-19-12
Sort of like Battle Royale, characters had to go through a deadly obstacle course. The dream started off following Ash and other Pokémon trainers. Ash was not allowed to use his Pikachu because it was “level 2,000”, or some other number starting with 2, but he was allowed to keep the others. They started off on a raft in an indoor river. Ash was with some newbie trainer, who was considerably more worried than him.

My proxy was in the race. They were not allowed to carry weapons or other tools, but at some point, they got a tipoff that shears/clippers (for yardwork) would come in handy. The race went through a Sears and they searched through the tools, accompanied by an unknown male. There were a lot of odd contraptions, including a blade that was swung back and forth along a pole like a pendulum, but anything that seemed of any use turned out to be kiddy/replicas. Also very expensive. In the end they were caught while tool shopping and had to move on.

My proxy and the male died, either in a hallway with machine-gun fire or while walking through a church. The pews had hidden guns which would shoot when they sensed motion in the aisles, but could be turned off by placing something between a switch and the wood (this was learned later). They fell on top of a lot of other bodies, which really should have been a tip-off.

The race was won by Roy Mustang and Olivier Armstrong. They made it through the church, which was the last room. However, as they stood behind the pulpit, another concealed gun shot them both. Olivier was the first to die, and told Roy in her last breath that she loved him. Roy called over one of the referees (?) and asked him where Hughes’ body was. It seemed he didn’t know. Roy replied that he would search for the body for ¥3,000 (my dumb subconscious broke immersion to point out that this was a low number, “only about $30”). The referee agreed, and placed something in both of their mouths that healed them. Olivier was weirdly euphoric for a woman of her status.

Ed and Al were in the race too, but all I can remember about them was that they were doing something involving hair, and then Ed’s hair got burned off, so he put on a wig and lamented that it didn’t look the same. Supposedly this was an explanation for a change in character design.

There was a final part to the race plot involving zombies/muppets which had not been told that it was over. They attacked, and their targets ran away. The muppet had to go take a nap or something. It was anticlimactic.

So Roy got back to wherever and there was a love triangle between him, Riza, and Olivier. He was asked by someone else which one of them he loved the most. He responded that a man couldn’t choose his favorite sauce (?), but he could choose his favorite hot sauce, and so he skateboarded over to Olivier. This was evidently supposed to mean that he wanted to have sex with her the most, but not necessarily carry on a relationship. I think a third woman may have been involved but it was probably just Cynthia because I’ve been comparing her to Olivier so much lately.

Back at the race, Blake saw a catgirl who could change forms. During the race, she was Lucas, but now she changed back. He wanted to date her. I’m not sure how that worked out. And Ash got Pikachu back.

 Other parts that I can’t remember clearly:
-	There was a Christmas tree. It may have been Christmas.
-	There were poor kids. One woman kidnapped her baby back from her mom and CPS had to investigate whether it constituted abuse/neglect.
-	My dad was going to give a puzzle to the poor kids as a present, but it turned out that the puzzle was too big, so it would make him look too boastful. He decided instead to give another puzzle, which needed to be put together. I worked on the puzzle but had a hard time finishing it within the time limit. My little brother kept throwing the pieces around and putting them in the wrong place.
-	Airplanes?
-	A D&D team going through a haunted house, discussion over whether rangers were broken if they used the shadow template, and something about wizard builds.


6-19-12
Ed and Al found an Elder Scroll, investigated points of energy (they formed a ring), and traveled to another realm/reality. Al was the first to interact with their counterparts. Other Al had a human body, Other Ed had normal arms and mail legs, and neither could perform alchemy; it was implied that they could at some point, but lost the ability. Hughes was also alive. The other Ed had metal hair (?). Although the two Eds were nearly identical, the counterparts didn’t suspect anything.

Ed and Al investigated some kind of conspiracy, where House Telvanni was consorting with mind flayers to alter the world and other dimensions, or something “beyond human comprehension”. A Telvanni member would have to be bonded to each mind flayer, which would kill them. Upon learning this, the Telvanni members who had agreed to the contract lost their will to live.

They couldn’t stop the plan, whatever it was, and the world started coming apart. Ed was desperate to save their counterparts and was willing to compromise the timelines to do so, but it was Al who revealed their identities by referring to him as “brother”, because somehow they hadn’t been tipped off before. Some girl was trapped in an elevator with tentacles that were turning her into a mind flayer, I’m not sure how that worked out. With the help of a party, Ed and Al tried to bring their counterparts through a room full of draugr, but they couldn’t distribute aggro appropriately and their counterparts were torn apart.

Then there was a chick on a swing set with a knife, who kept throwing it at my proxy; it had something to do with Deadly Premonition and Skyrim. Not sure about that one.


6-23-12
It started off as a dream about Skyrim, I think. No, before that, it was about my proxy going to see a movie. Then the “movie” became “3-D virtual reality on a roller coaster” (with lots of moving blocks, all in red, like a WMP visualization), and then that became “roller coaster where people die”. I think it had something to do with the Hunger Games. One of the girls during the second stage in my car had epilepsy or something, and my proxy commented on how unethical it was to trick people into thinking it was a normal movie and then show this. During the third stage, a boy who was in our train but not in our car had his head sliced off by a rail. The ride was now about obeying the people running it and behaving, and in return they’d let us live. Except in the end, we all died. My proxy was one of three people remaining when they reached a stage with giant razors swinging back and forth, and their body was cut up repeatedly.

They weren’t dead, though. Now it turns out that this ride was about turning humans into weapons. My proxy, in fact, was still alive, and their body had turned malleable; I think the comparison drawn in-dream was No-Face. Now we all had to escape the people running this conspiracy, so my proxy led them underground to travel along subway tunnels. Except they were still in use, so people kept getting hit by trains and dying. Eventually a few of us made it back out, and went on a roller coaster again. There was a girl with long red hair, and my proxy kept warning her to tie it up, or else she’d get it caught on something and wind up decapitated.

Something about being in a mall and my sister had to call Balfour… That part was boring. Then my proxy had to protect a man who was giving a press conference, maybe the man who ran the conspiracy? But my proxy thought of him almost reverently, like a father. My proxy used their ooze-like qualities to cover his body like a bulletproof bodysuit.

I think around here was when it turned into Skyrim. My proxy went back underground, found another bum in a similar situation (he was a mage), and they traveled together, trying to bring their remaining followers up to the surface, but it didn’t work well. At one point they found an underground vault full of CDs and cassette tapes and players, which was also full of monsters. They briefly played a videocassette about birds, which was projected onto the wall, but that was going to attract the monsters, so they had to turn it off.

By now, the people they were evading were actually the Thalmor. A third person had joined their party, another mage. There was a long sequence about trying to escape the Thalmor through judicious use of the Call Dragon shout to travel all over the Skyrim map. Finally they went to Markarth and tried to hide in an apartment building with opening walls, but the Thalmor found them by peeling back the roof. So they traveled in a Dwemer plane (?) that the homeless mage had constructed or found and fled across the border to Cheydinhal, or so they called it. They noticed a waterfall and decided to ram into it, believing it would bring them to safety.

After the crash, they woke up in an undersea cave, which was well-lit and very colorful; my proxy’s first thought was that they were in a Beatles music video. Around here is where the dream started turning into ponies. This was a hideout full of other fugitives, the only way in was through the waterfall, and the Thalmor would never find us here, except the homeless mage (who was now a rhinoceros) had stepped on a missile-launch button when arriving that apparently summoned them. The Thalmor arrived and asked why they’d been called, some discussion was had while my proxy (a unicorn) hid, and they left suspicious. Later Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack arrived, apparently comprising the western half of the Thalmor resistance movement (presumably the other three were the eastern arm). The Thalmor invaded using waterbreathing and spider web-like guidelines, and the female mage (a regular pony) used Dispel Magic to get rid of those and then Paralyze to drown them. I think in the end we were victorious. Then they dropped in their captive, Nazeem, who my proxy recognized, because they were apparently the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood. They began to speak.

I don’t remember anything past that.


8-2-12
Shepard was concerned that Tali was going to start romancing Garrus before she could, so she bought a prop Amulet of Mara to try to speed things along, then remembered she was in the wrong game and got embarrassed. They started flirting anyway when, while they were boarding Tali’s old flotilla, Joker made crude comments about going on this mission just so Shepard could stare at Turian ass. They bonded over beer, which Garrus apparently drank even though it didn’t affect him and really should kill him (is there Turian beer?). Bobby Hill piloted one of the squad ships.

Also, something about sensory deprivation, coats, and nightmares.


8-18-12
Started off with Batman. I guess he was the main character in this. A couple of guys (animals?) were hanging out in his Batmobile. Batman was fine with this, until they mentioned they were smoking pot, which would apparently make his car lose some kind of grant. He punched one in the face and demanded an explanation, because “money didn’t grow on trees”. They said they’d snuck in when he got out of the car, and that Alfred (who was in the car) had probably noticed but was too self-important to look under the seat and get them. They wanted to be superheroes and were watching “which color” Batman used on his Batmobile each night. Then Bane started attacking the city, so Batman had to get into his car and run up some skyscrapers with the two jerkoffs still inside. There was a mention on the police radio of another “dark knight”—they didn’t use that term, but whatever it was, they weren’t referring to this Batman’s location, so it meant there was an imposter Batman somewhere.

Didn’t get to follow up on that plot. Next was something about Pokémon. A bunch of Pokémon characters were all in a building, and I think they were being controlled by other people. At least, my proxy controlled Misty, and my grandmother controlled whoever had Moltres (maybe Silver). Something about an evil organization wanting to kill the three legendary birds of gen I by releasing their elemental opposites (one made of ice for Moltres, water for Zapdos, and fire for Articuno). All but Moltres were taken down, and Misty and her Slugma (she also had a Furret and Sealeo) had to chase Moltres and finish the job. It was some kind of grid combat/board game like the original Pokémon Master, and my grandmother didn’t know how to play and eventually fell asleep. Then the building was taken over by Marvel superheroes and there was this huge battle royale between them and whoever the bad guy was. Iron Man and Nightcrawler reenacted the teleporting-into-a-room scene from one of the X-Men movies. Lots of destruction everywhere, not sure who won.

At some point my little sister showed up to trade Pokémon cards, I “messed up” the order of her cards by putting my binder down and ruffling some of them, and she started crying, which made me swear at her and leave.

Finally, there was a plot about some kind of reality TV show where they followed ex-cons working low-end jobs. This job was attending some kind of a shallow pool while standing inside it, my proxy and the woman leading us were supposed to hand out drinks from a cooler while the ex-con did… something. My proxy was initially confused because she hadn’t been informed of her role in this before. Some time passed where nothing happened, then some bees started showing up. Just a couple, nothing to get too concerned about, but the leading lady decided to shoot them with the water pistols we’d been provided (except the ex-con, because he was too dangerous). But it turned out the water was sugar water, so it just attracted the bees to us, and my proxy had a freakout. Luckily the pool attached to ours had clean water, so we could neutralize it somehow.

Two women and a gay guy entered the pool, which was turning into some kind of host club. Actually, I think they were all guys, but the gay one was wearing silicone breasts. My proxy said he’d do fine as part of this group because “that’s what some people like”. This plot was apparently connected to the last one, because my proxy started asking whether all the superheroes had left yet, and whether Nightcrawler was still here. Got teased about having a crush on him. Then he showed up to save the day after a plant/tentacle monster came out of the water and started strangling all of us. He’d changed from his adult Catholic movie version to his teenage animated TV show version so my proxy couldn’t exactly hit on him. We all moved from the pool to a hot tub, but then Nazis showed up and started putting up fences everywhere, and we had to run before we were caught in some kind of training ground or concentration camp. As we were running, my proxy went inside, saw a hunchbacked superintendent throwing chairs into a room furiously. My proxy helped him out and he said that he was so pissed at Romney because he hadn’t told anyone that his campaign rally was going to turn into a Nazi thing afterwards. When my proxy was outside again Nightcrawler showed up and helped my proxy teleport through the last group of fences to the parking lot. There were only three buses, and we thought they’d all left, but a third one came. The stalker chick from DRRR went to use a port-a-potty nearby, and my proxy wanted to as well but was worried she’d get left behind. Snow from FFXIII was on the bus talking about something. And my proxy was talking with Nightcrawler about parallel universes and shit and it was pretty cool but then I had to get up.


8-19-12
Pokémon and/or humans kept in some underwater aquatic league run by an abusive old woman. Umbreon kept screwing up and making their punishments worse. One person was a prophesized “savior” and had to escape and later free the captives, he/she (there was usually a man and a woman, only one was the chosen one) rode a Galvantula and Rapidash off the top of a building, occasionally flying to avoid checkpoints. Usually the pair was a lot like the protagonists from Blade of the Immortal (because they knew how to fish) but during the escape scene they were John Shepard and Hillary Clinton. Shepard was the only one who could escape because he was undead and so could avoid the guards’ heat sensors; Clinton had to sacrifice herself as a distraction as he swam past the gate.

After escaping, the two of them returned to compete in the Olympics. Because the woman was so abusive nearly everyone was dead or had left. They had to swim, fish, and build 6 boats by the next day. They could do all of this and were far more proficient than the remaining athletes, but the woman insisted on making the boats out of cardboard instead of wood. At this point the gay couple from American Dad became important characters; they seemed to simultaneously be judges, competitors, and spectators. The boats sank because they were made of cardboard and one had a balloon tied improperly but the brunette one tied it properly and gave them half marks. The blond one thought they would be killed but the woman hugged him and insisted they wouldn’t. But she was lying and tried to capture the chosen pair (back to being a man/woman) and they had to flee the Olympics and hide in someone’s house or something. Something about whales, riding them through the streets. She didn’t want an ice whale because it was weak against the woman’s fire monster, so the chosen girl told it to return to the ocean and find a water-element whale, which made a different sound. Also the fat kid from American Dad was addicted to crack.

Ash Ketchum was going through alternate worlds. This started with a story about a girl who was biologically related to the woman from the last story (I think) and if they met in a certain warehouse they would set off an explosion that would destroy the world because they were polar opposites and something about Ayn Rand. “That woman was Stephen Colbert.” So the girl had to keep escaping her mother, who was pursuing her, or the world would end. And I think she morphed into Ash, because then Ash was running and traveling through alternate worlds. In each world his Pikachu couldn’t touch some kind of material, it was some unimportant one in the main world but in one alternate it was iron, which somehow forced an evolution to Raichu when he touched it. Ash could phase through it but only if Pikachu/Raichu thunderbolted it. He killed some bosses and then ended up on a boat with May and Misty and decided to spend the rest of his life in that parallel world, but then started remembering his time spent in other worlds and got confused, because he met a Roggenrola psychologist that he knew he’d killed before. Then he turned into a Meowth head on a cylinder (he could change forms, this one was mistaken for a Pokémon/devil) which was apparently a sex toy and met a woman who was going to save him. She was James’ sister, they were living on the boat, and they both made use of it/him which disgusted her.


8-25-12
Started off with my proxy visiting what was supposed to be my little sister’s school. It was a kindergarten with a huge play area; it took half the “recess” period just to reach the back. I jumped off buildings with a balloon and slid on grindrails, and considered making an Evangalion music video to a song that was neither “In the Year 2929” nor “Christmas at Ground Zero” but something midway between them, which supposedly served as the opening to a 70’s robot anime.

Then my proxy was baby-sitting two kids, and they were in an area with lots of pets in cages. Something about Pokémon again. I don’t know.


9-10-12
Picard wanted to send Pinkie Pie into space because she had the right eyebrows for it (they were on fire). Comparisons to the unethical Professor Xavier were drawn. Ponies all become earth ponies (“Halfling ponies”) for a couple weeks out of the year, and Fluttershy was mad about that. A dragonfly that was also affected by this was apparently in love with the prince from Beauty and the Beast, but she really just wanted to drown him to make her eggs hatch. I think this dragonfly was sentient poison ivy at an earlier time? Jon Stewart was in my apartment, and my proxy got bitchy that he thought some guy was funnier than me. Watched a Star Trek movie with both Picard and Sulu and got mad that they made Sulu a turncoat, but Takei was watching it too and he assured me via a chewing gum and tube contraption that it would be all right in the end.


9-11-12
Took place a short distance in the future. Bill Clinton was a congressman, and also an astronaut. He traveled to the Outlands (D&D plane of neutrality) and found a central planet, the epitome(?) of neutrality, which was a merman surrounded by a giant metal ring. Clinton challenged him to a card game that involved laying down four cards and comparing them, and won (possibly through cheating). He was going to leave, but then opened a text document labeled “(merman name)'s happenings” and saw that his visit here was basically the only thing that had ever happened to the guy. He felt bad for him, stuffed him in the duffel bag that was his spaceship, and headed for Earth.

Clinton got the merman past security by hiding him with a sheet and claiming he was an injured crewman. Then he went to do congressman things. He was preparing for a session on something or other when Mitt Romney got a call. His oldest daughter (she was 17ish) had gotten into some kind of trouble, so his wife was calling to ask what to do. He said, "Just pay the fine, it's only $20 million, I make that in a month." Clinton was impressed. "What do you do to have a net worth of $20 million/month?" "I work at a buyout firm called Bain Capital (etc)".

Then Clinton realized his merman friend was going to die if he wasn't submerged in water within the hour, so he blackmailed Romney by saying that he'd tell everyone about his daughter's run-in with the law if he didn't help him. Romney was mad because this was apparently a very important meeting they'd be missing, and upon seeing the merman, was weirded out. "That's not a Dunmer/manatee!" No shit.

Eventually they realized they could put the guy in the shower. The merman was happy about this. Then there was a hazy bit about shower ads for porn and trolling and something else, and the next part I remember had the merman on the deck of some tall building over the ocean. Alfred decided to taunt him with balloons, knowing that mermen were trained to jump after them, and had him leap off the deck, presumably to his death. Clinton arrived to save him, but it was too late! He jumped after him, but couldn't find him, though he did see some silver fish. They were both rescued by Argonian fishermen, and that's how Morrowind began.

Smithers made an appearance at some point but I don't really know what he was doing. I think he was morally outraged about the whole thing.

Before this, there was something about a D&D campaign, the environment would change between frost and fire, to teach a warlock a lesson. It was linked to a dog somehow. My Skyrim character was depressed and had a heart-to-heart with some woman, who died, and then got on a bus.


9-24-12
The Avatar crew was taking an IT class. Aang was really bad at it. Then Zuko got pregnant. He was an alien, and this was the future. I learned these things about future pregnancy:
-	Gestation period is reduced to a matter of hours
-	Cell phones can take 3-D ultrasounds
-	Labor is instant and painless, delivery is aided by machines, and all babies come served with a side of rice

If I write any more I will probably get dragged off by the human decency police. But it involved DDO, Skyrim weapons, and roller blades (you can’t climb ladders while wearing roller blades).


10-2-12
Sonic the Hedgehog and the Great Goon Subway Adventure

Okay, this was a mix of video games, SA, and life. Hard to remember the chronology; it’s pretty disjointed and self-referential.

First: A brief bit about Metal Gear Solid. My proxy was playing the part in the second game where you have to sneak through the auditorium and do whatever behind the stage. My proxy was really bad at it and was getting chased while crouching and running backwards. Someone watching her said that it was easier if you used the “other character”. This character turned out to be a guy with a rocket launcher who killed most of the people in the audience. Apparently we were going by Skyrim rules where if there’s nobody alive left to report you, you don’t get in any trouble. But the rocket launcher wasn’t enough, so he spawned a few Wailords on top of the survivors for good measure.

There was a bit about recon in a subway that quickly shifted from MGS to something else. My proxy was chasing after a bunch of homeless (?) kids, and they went through the active subway tunnel to get away. Apparently it was completely safe if you stayed on these wooden platforms on the side. Then they went too far and opened some kind of retaining wall and this poisonous gas spewed out, and most of us were coated in superglue.

The next part was largely about my family. My youngest sister was a vampire and occasionally an Altmer. We knew she wasn’t the chosen one for the crown because it didn’t match her skin tone (it matched my other sister’s) but we gave her another one; she crumpled it up and threw it out. This pissed off some ancient zombie wolf rape god, who appeared to take his revenge. There was an option to disable him, as well as the combative collie/Lucario who had assaulted us before, but the screen’s resolution wasn’t high enough so the sliders were hidden underneath. I wasn’t able to get into one of the bathrooms because there was a pair of giant mating parrots there, and every time I passed them they would grab the skin between my thumb and pointer finger and use it in their mating ritual, which was painful. The stuff from the subway eventually broke each of the three bathrooms in a different way; one was missing its toilet, another’s showerhead sprayed brown water, and the third was outside, on top of a hill, by a castle/guildhouse that my mother had apparently run before. It had no curtain, and the ground around it was completely covered in spider webs.

My proxy was playing Skyrim, and Farkas had different dialogue, about how he was going to rise in the ranks of the Companions once he “got his glasses”. Talked with another female player about modding. Fairly boring.

Then there was a boardwalk. It had inflatable mascots from a bunch of different things. There was a school nearby, and two of the classes were full of goons. One guy decided he was going to take his personal trolley/surrey thing and run over the Sonic the Hedgehog mascots, and he wanted the rest of the students to go with him. The teacher was pissed when he left class, but he pulled some Durarara shit with the cell phones and got everybody to join him. When they ran over Sonic, he was struck by a repressed memory of “how screwed up this show really is.” They proceeded to run over Amy Rose, and then he decided to take the group to the subway, which was supposed to hold some mystical amazing ape mascot balloon that they NEEDED to run over. And so he led the charge.

It ended poorly. There was no ape balloon, and dragging the corpses of mascots through active subway tunnels worked about as well as one would expect. Like the previous parts of the dream, they smashed through an important wall, got covered in superglue, and released a noxious gas. Lowtax was pretty pissed but he understood that it was all done in the name of something or other, and nobody got banned. Throughout it all, my proxy waffled about whether or not to join them, whether to turn them into law enforcement, etc.

Some kid who represented himself with a different anime portrait each time walked up with blue hair to a girl with light purple hair; turns out she was the dreadlock girl from earlier. Except then the dreadlock girl showed up again, I don’t know.

Every store has a special sword and dagger hidden somewhere that you can take as a trophy. So does Minecraft.


10-13-12
I was playing my alternate Skyrim save file (Bosmer archer), and got pulled into the Dawnguard plot. The entire quest consisted of walking up a mountain, sometimes through a wall or over obstacles, but always going up. There were some weird anime stereotypes that bounced around occasionally, one was a flying giantess, but they weren’t that important. By the time we reached the top the group was comprised mostly of FMA characters; I would like to say that Olivier Armstrong was leading the group, but on closer inspection, it seemed to be the giantess from earlier. Alex Armstrong, shirtless but wearing a cloak, jumped from a cliff onto the plateau below, landing in front of Bradley. Bradley was using a lot of Zombies, sort of, of previous bad or generic antagonists from the series. The only one I really made note of was Kimblee. Working together, Ed and Armstrong performed a transmutation that sliced them into deli meat, shuffled them around, and squished them back into mismatched forms, with the theory that this would mess with their “chakra/life force” (?). Didn’t work, they were still ambulant, but then the group killed them all some other way. The mist cleared. Then it turned out the entire thing was a hallucination by Stan Marsh. There was a sequence that showed him performing all of Dawnguard in his house, and how each of the events had been triggered by mundane things. Then the story started over from the beginning, with slight differences. The moral was some hippie thing like “only I can appreciate the importance of the crawling root”. Oh, and it turned out that a girl in Riften was Bradley’s amnesiac daughter, because she said that if she had a son she would name it Fuhrer.

Then there was this stupidly long and drawn-out story about plagiarism in fashion. Basically, my proxy was working with a girl who lamented how many people stole other people’s designs, especially this one guy who made skirts. Then she stole one of my proxy’s skirt designs and accused her of having stolen it from her. She had a photo with a timestamp of my proxy wearing it the day before it was released, which was somehow incriminating, and my proxy got arrested. There was a court scene, where my proxy showed that she owned the original © 2008 designs for the skirt, and that the date on the camera had been changed to a day earlier. One of the pictures involved Lisa Simpson playing an arcade basketball game because she had won an actual basketball game. My proxy was found not guilty.

Some kid was writing a crossover between Naruto and Pokémon and three kinds of DBZ and also some mecha shows. Or maybe he was making a game. It failed, because it was bad. He made some pixel art to promote it, but it was also bad. My proxy made some insult that was interpreted as ableism (the kid was deaf or something?), but it wasn’t. He spent years and lots of resources developing this story, which had no fans, and my proxy found this hilarious. It was pointed out that the reason his idea failed was that it mainly centered around giving Pokémon unusual moves (e.g. Thunderpunch on a Poliwrath), which had been done in the games “since generation II”.

There was a bird with one of its wings stuck to a cat. I snapped off the part that was stuck like it was a leaf, and it flew away. I said I didn’t want to see if it would die later on, but my mom was a bird and she flew me three miles into the sky so we could watch it. I freaked out because I thought we would get caught on the power lines, but after we got back to the ground, I admitted that it was fun. (The bird lived.)

I can’t remember the last part, which is a shame, because it was crazy. Reminds me of the Umbreon/Shepard/Olympics dream. Clefairy are lucky because they have lived this long with no discernible skills.


10-14-12
Mass Effect and Skyrim. The main character was my female Shepard, and Joker was the alien from American Dad; he behaved irresponsibly and got some people killed. The Normandy stopped at a place with a boardwalk, and somebody was offering “pony rides” (as in, a pony would draw a rickshaw, nothing dirty) for a penny. But the “pony” was just a fat child so Shepard broke it up and took the kid onto the ship for some reason. There was also an event with lots of juice bottles. A woman kept taking the flavor (pink-something blueberry) that my Shepard wanted.

Bethesda released the new DLC for Skyrim, called something like “Racial Legacies” (there was an orc on the box), but the PC port was buggy, interfered with a dragon attack, and made a tree attack and kill several characters. It did add two new shouts that would give Odahviing armor and effectively turn him into the guild ship from DDO.

Then my proxy watched a video of the opening of Mass Effect 2, where some cargo bay door opened on the Normandy and Joker (back to normal) was pulled out, but Shepard (not mine, she had reddish hair) pulled him back by sacrificing herself. The Normandy was entering some obstacle that would be hard to avoid without a great pilot, which supposedly made his life worth more in this case. Her body went into “reentry orbit” and was seen looping around the planet every so often, burning. Somebody pointed out that “reentry orbit” doesn’t exist.

I really need to finish Mass Effect.


10-17-12
Something about The Little Mermaid. There was a ship underwater, my proxy was going to pull it above water and explore it with a new friend, but she was scared of being inside ships, and there were tentacle-like growths inside it that grossed us out anyway. Ariel could sing, but not talk, but then someone realized she could sing to explain her situation and took that away from her too.

Ponies. Not-Alfred spiked my proxy’s wine with bourbon and spent an hour or so trying to sexually assault them. Then he got dragged to South Africa, put in a concentration camp, and was castrated. We felt this was a somewhat unfair punishment. I/my proxy had only 2.5 black friends, so we couldn’t tell their families apart.

Video game or movie had some mini-game about stuffed animals going down a slide. Pretty boring.


10-21-12
The guy from They Live was going to be killed by the lizard-people, so he turned into an anthropomorphic bird and did documentaries about furries.

After that was a cycle of false waking up. I was able to figure out a few times that I was dreaming, but it usually just launched me into another false start. There were several different scenarios I landed in, including:
-	4-5 drug addicts were living in my apartment. Repeated several times.
-	I was in my family’s old house in Palmyra, in my youngest sister’s room, petting the cat who was waiting for me. Repeated several times.
-	I’d slept too long; it was evening and I could see the stars, far more than would be normally visible with the light pollution. Happened twice.
-	I went to a gathering of Pokémon trainers. This happened a few times: once a trainer beat up my proxy for giving her the Cascade Badge she’d lost (she assumed she’d stolen it), and there was a pool party with either Pokémon or animals, or a cross between the two.
-	A French or Russian family had a giant cheesecake. The Russian mafia wanted to kidnap the girl, but they weren’t very good at it. This was at Disneyland and they bribed a guard, hopped on some rail transit (little model cars on tracks like a roller coaster, but not attached).
-	A guy was taking pictures of a dragon statue but couldn’t get it properly lit, and couldn’t get both of its eyes in the shot.
-	At one point I returned to my apartment to see that it was on fire, but it was only a story being told by someone I follow on the Internet. Repeated once.

Between 10:30 and 11:30 I believe I woke up to reality several times, then fell asleep, repeating another cycle. Each dream took about 6 minutes, if I was in fact checking a real clock. The Durarara picture on the far wall is now my anchor point for reality.


10-30-12
Battle Royale, CAD, and a little bit of Skyrim. For some awful reason my proxy was dating Ethan from Ctrl+Alt+Del. Ethan wanted us to enter some kind of prom at the public pool. We started out with one costume, but it later changed to Rick Astley. The contest involved maneuvering inner tubes around a maze and grabbing the item inside. We won, and received three tickets to the Bahamas—two regular, one luxury—as a reward. It was decided that Ethan would take the luxury ticket because he had spent his money on the costumes. Unfortunately, part of the luxury ticket was missing, so we went to Best Buy to fix the problem. There, it was revealed that Ethan had no sense of how to behave in public; as the help desk woman did some research, Ethan hooked into some computer program that calculated how flexible his muscles were. He flexed a lot and was very disruptive. Eventually the woman got annoyed, so I apologized and dragged him out.

The ticket situation was fixed anyway. The people going on the cruise were my proxy, Ethan, and the pregnant woman from Family Guy. But it turned out Lilah really needed a vacation, so I swapped my ticket with hers. By the time she got to the boat, she was Misty from Pokémon, and she took off her Pokéball belt and went for a swim. Ethan continued to be a nuisance, climbing onto waiters’ backs and demanding more vodka.

It gets a little convoluted past here. The boy and girl from Battle Royale were the two finalists in the death match, so one would have to kill the other. The boy decided to commit suicide rather than kill his girlfriend, so he jumped off a cliff into a lake, but the girl distracted him on his way down so he belly-flopped and didn’t die. They decided to escape together, but now they were being hunted by two cartoonish men with submachine guns. The protagonists could move back in time, but every time they did, something at the moment of travel would remain the same and others could detect it. Eventually it morphed into my Skyrim character and maybe Marge Simpson. They were trying to spread a blood-borne disease by four people pricking holes in their fingers and mixing clear plasma together. They got on a plane to Morthal because it was a travel hub. She was being pursued by somebody who knew about her plan.


11-8-12
My proxy was invited to play the flute on a CNN program, but when they got there they were found inadequate and mocked. Dropped the flute underwater and had to pretend like they didn’t. Bill Clinton was my proxy’s literature professor, and she had to watch Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer to get ideas for papers. Clinton also suggested that she read his books, but this made her mad because he was a lot smarter and more experienced than her—there was no way she could get through enough of his books. Later she met another girl in his class who was submitting a collage of Pokémon pixel sprites and official art with a lot of JPEG artifacts, and she became considerably less worried about the quality of her work.

Something about a skateboard, construction in a park, and maybe music.

Hung out with Garrus for a bit, but he quickly shifted to a generic human female. We wanted to go to the mall, and my proxy brought a cage to buy an animal. But they couldn’t fit the cage on the bus, so Garrus/the woman drove to pick her up and they went back home. They played Super Mario Bros., except Mario was Rarity and she had to pass the checkpoints by landing ass-first on a spiked pole/spear. They eventually decided they were not going to the mall after all, and sat around in sweatpants playing the game. We discussed fanfiction, and she suggested I make my Shepard the “child or grandchild” of my Skyrim character. I said that I didn’t think the two worlds were compatible, but it turned out that Alduin was a reaper so it worked out in the end.


11-11-12
Public showers, exhibitionism, Michael Moore (I think?). There was an aviary 16 stories high, filled with bird cages. Books were stacked nearly to the ceiling, and we had to move them one by one to new piles a few feet away. One was a washed-out copy of a book my proxy remembered reading in adolescence, something about a dark and light-haired pair of witches/elves. Was probably triggered by Kasumi’s books in ME2.


11-16-12
Started out in a wholesale/bulk grocer (like Costco). A man with five green arrow-like tentacles in place of his head was the “AAAGGG” fugitive, who, when he wasn’t allowed to buy things, would go crazy and destroy the store. He set off firecrackers that hit a flare and activated the sprinklers, or they hit something else and caused two arcs of lightning across the cards. My proxy could sense EM fields by the tingling and so she was used to take him down.

The supermarket became a monastery. My proxy was training there. A group of people in orange togas, who looked like monks but were actually mercenaries (the term used was a faux-Japanese word starting with “S”, or a Spanish word sounding like “Cañdezar”). We were supposed to house them gracefully, but when they started to use our facilities, tensions flared. One really obese man had trouble squeezing past us as we were lined up to escort them into the bathhouse. My proxy had a mermaid costume that the fat guy kept stepping on. It was going to be somebody’s job to assist/wash the fat guy and that was just too much to take. They were using every single one of our baths, leaving none for us.

At a house that was very similar to the one used in the swinging/FLCL dream (not recorded), my proxy was having trouble waking up. They would stumble around in a drunken stupor for about ten minutes, or at least dream that they were. Because of the meta-dreaming, some crazy stuff went on, like my sibling using a drill on an anus in the bathtub and these giant spectral animal totems that would gather on my proxy’s bed. The giant owl was okay, but would rub its beak against you and it tickled. The giant wolf/cat came along with two smaller wolf/cats, who were cute, but the giant one was very possessive of them and would attack you. There was a brief exploration of the “Tamriel Rebuilt” mod, which was ported into Skyrim very poorly. My proxy was able to wake themselves up by shouting “wake up wake up wake up” for several minutes, but it never woke me up for real.

At the house in Cape May, there was going to be a homeless-person apocalypse. I guess they were supposed to descend on us like a pack of locusts and devour everything. The boardwalk was transporting its rides down the street for safekeeping; one was a ferris wheel, which was held by a truck on its side, but still active. We barely had time to think “Wouldn’t it be funny if it hit a house?” before it hit us. Superficial damage only, took off the railings on the roof (what is that material called?) but then parts of the roof collapsed underneath them. My little brother went to jump through the hole in the roof, I scolded him but my mother said he “deserved it” (as merit, not revenge).

To stave off the apocalypse, we boarded up the windows, invited a Mexican cook (he came with two other people, I couldn’t tell which was the cook and they messed with me because of it). Other homeless people gathered and my proxy was uncomfortable around them. A rat and two mice got onto our porch and my grandmother couldn’t tell if they were inside or out. My mother in-dream came out dressed like a homeless person, in burlap with her hair all messed up, presumably to trick the others.

Shifted to a war scenario. We had two animal fighters who were supposed to be really strong; they were like the totems from the previous dream. One was a wolf, but when we sicced him on the hordes it turned out he was sick and he immediately begged to be let back in. We refused. The other was a bull, who was slightly stronger.

Three men sleeping in the White House bedroom, which had a waterbed. I think one was Taft but it wasn’t obvious. The one in the middle kept bouncing, the one on the left was going to be sick. The one on the right was my proxy who was fed up with the whole thing and wished the White House had more practical beds.

Obama decided to team up with Israel and blow Iran’s rockets out of the sky with an automatic-targeting drone. He was informed that this would probably cause a nuclear war, but he didn’t care. For a while, I was piloting the drone, and I took several screenshots of the nice scenery. Then the rockets came, and they were more like robots dropping from the ceiling. It was clearly a video game; I quicksaved several times.


11-17-12
Jon Stewart wore blackface and a “gangster” costume and spoke with Prince, wearing whiteface, about the I/P conflict.


11-21-12
All about video games. First, it was a sidescroller or FPS about killing Hitler. My proxy shot Hitler, and then Hitler filled the room with liquid glass and made his escape. If you inhaled the glass, you died. There was a large selection of weapons available to kill Hitler, and several were from Dark Souls (large two-handed hammers that you needed a certain strength to lift). My proxy chose a shotgun, but was disappointed at its damage (not realizing that Hitler was invulnerable in the first stage). She switched to a sniper rifle instead.

Next, my proxy was at an arcade/funzone and played a 2D fighter. You selected a character by scrolling over a scene of all the characters flying. She wanted to pick the chocobo knight but couldn’t select her properly, and kept hitting the Touhou fairy next to her. She ended up with a tentacle man, which caused the controller to sprout tentacles as well, but he was OP so she managed to win for once through a series of ring-outs.

The place was bleak. Dark, no Christmas trees, but unlit Christmas lights lined the steps, looking like barbed wire.

Something about a bird that my proxy wanted to raise, because she was the offspring of our family’s green-cheek conure, but my sister got to her every time my proxy said “step up” and would terrify her. This caused the bird to bond to the cardboard, not people, and its skin separated like ice floes on a dark, meaty sea.

There were fireworks in the Imperial City. They weren’t actually fireworks, but an eco-friendly alternative that was like the spotlights at skating rinks. My Skyrim character was advised to get in good with all the gods, but her relationship star with Mara was dark (probably because she attempted to kill Erandur). She climbed a tree filled with bulbous lights and tried to reach the star by levitating, but the levitation ran out and she fell. She landed in a sea of mana in an alternative dimension, where Erandur met with her and lectured her.

There was an addon for Skyrim that was a remake of “Tribunal” (from Morrowind). It would be available for another 24 hours and then be taken down indefinitely (even removed if you downloaded it). The opening cutscene consisted of two figures, male and female, probably Dunmer/Chimer (possibly Almalexia and Sotha Sil), inside a cylindrical holo-projector. At first I used it with the replay of my new Skyrim character, but their dialogue referred to events that could be completed in the game (“have you united the two sides of the country?” “has the Night Mother named her new Listener?”) so I decided to load up my old, glitchy save file instead.

Somehow I loaded a Mass Effect profile instead of a Skyrim save file. Shepard was wearing red Mercenary armor, so it must have been ME1. Her status screen showed her at level 438. She spoke briefly with the figures inside the projector. Almalexia said that she hadn’t expected her daughter to be “300 feet tall”, as Almalexia herself was only 4’2”. Shepard went to a snowy planet with Jack or Miranda, and rode an ATV with a monster-truck name over the snow and to the edge of a frozen lake. Had a discussion about a prior event where the people involved had gone too far onto the lake. Then they went back to the Normandy and Shepard got drunk. She discussed cutting off the relays with Garrus (I think that happens at the end of ME3) and contemplated the benefits of getting rid of the Asari. Garrus made some romantic physical contact.

Finally, I opened my glitchy save file successfully, but the glitches persisted and several lines of the opening dialogue would be repeated or skipped. I decided it couldn’t be used with this file and went back to the original one.