April Is The Cruelest Month (Luna X Anon)

>"Anonymous, please, reconsider!"
>Celestia's high-pitched shrill is enough to make you cringe.
>Your eyes wince as you take a long draw on your teacup in a hapless bid for time.
>Or at least enough to formulate a response.

>You are Anonymous.
>And you are having afternoon tea with the Sun Princess herself.
>How you merited such an invitation was beyond you, but here you sit, in a plush seat sipping drinking and eating off ornate china.
>An audience with Celestia, not to mention a private meeting, was nearly impossible to orchestrate, so it doesn't take long to surmise how important the issue must be.
>Hell, she even laid out slices of coffee cake, one of your favorites from back home.
>You're not sure if it was just a lucky guess or a ploy to win you over.
>Either way, you're running out of time, not to mention running out of tea. Soon you have no choice but to lower the empty cup to the saucer and answer.
>It chatters against the small plate before you clear your throat and speak.
"I don't know, your majesty. This is sort of sudden."
>The white alicorn sighs and nods sadly in admittance, mane bobbing in delay.
>"I know, my apologies for what must seem an arbitrary disposition. But you'd be the perfect candidate."
>You shift uncomfortably in your seat, despite the supple cushion.
>Before you have a chance to respond, the princess' horn becomes aglow in magic, gently depositing another slice of coffee cake onto your plate.
>Damn, she's good.
>But you imagine being a shrewd negotiator is something every princess needs to have in her repertoire, though.
>Celestia busies herself with refilling your teacup, once again using her magic aura to lift tilt the kettle.
>Something about being waited on hand and foot (or hoof and hoof, you guess) by a princess is unsettling.
>You can sense she's only trying to butter you up like a muffin.

>Just minutes ago she asked you be Princess Luna's escort to the Grand Galloping Gala, one of Equestria's most lavish events.
>It was apparently the Super Bowl of pony parties, with all the most important foreign dignitaries and captains of business in attendance.
>Under normal circumstances, someone as unremarkable as you wouldn't be on the guest list, which only makes her request all the more mysterious to you.
>After several painfully silent moments, the matriarch speaks, delicately breaking the pregnant silence that's fallen over the room like a piece of toffee.
>"It's just…Luna has been looking forward to the gala for months now. She constantly asks how the preparations are going. Or if any letters have come in for her. It would mean the world to me--and her--if you would accompany her for the evening."
>You raise an eyebrow in half-shock, half-curiosity.
"She hasn't been asked yet?"
>Celestia pauses, before slumping in her chair and shaking her head somberly.
>"Not yet, I'm afraid. And we're running out of time."
"Wouldn't she rather go with a stallion or status?"
>The princess looks around the room suspiciously, scanning for some unseen interloper. Once she appears satisfied with her search, she turns back to you.
>But she speaks in hushed tones, practically whispering across the small table.
>"Anonymous, the stigma of my sister's banishment has been ingrained in Equestrian culture for centuries. That is not so easily undone."
>Hmm, she has a point. Spend a thousand years in exile and the local populace is bound to be a bit unnerved when you show back up on their doorstep.
>You'd heard that Luna was making progress with the general public, slowly adjusting back to Equestrian society.
>Apparently not enough progress to consider her dating material, though.
>You can't exactly blame them. No one was really lining up to date the Boogeyman or Frankenstein's monster either.
>Maybe that's a cruel comparison. Poor girl.
>Still, that does little to change your mind.
>You've been to a small handful of weddings and swanky parties in your time, back on Earth.
>And you can't stand the thought of having to wear a smile while someone drones on about 5th century Griffin economics or Equestria's growing need to levy taxation on apples.
>Food and alcohol usually was the main incentive for attending these sorts of things.
>But you aren't exactly jumping at the chance to eat a plate of deconstructed daises and sip on pitifully weak desert wines.
>Plus, you've only met Luna once, when you arrived in Equestria and she was a big blue ball of weird.
>Always shouting and addressing herself as "we." You seem to remember her even referring to the public as "peons."
>A nice mare, but you're not very keen on being attached at the hip for an entire night, paraded around in front of other ponies.
>The problem is telling Celestia that, however.
>To be fair, she was very nice to invite you here and her hospitality, though a little heavy-hooved (you internally groan), was generous.
>You need to put this in a way that you don't end up insulting the most powerful mare in Equestria and her younger sister.
>Probing your mind for excuses, you snatch the first one that passes through your brain, flimsy though it is.
>The Gala was a black-tie affair, wasn't it? Hell, let's go with that.
"I don't have formal wear."
>Your response hangs in the air, stalely, like you just dropped a wet piece of toast on the floor.
>It's Celestia's turn to raise an eyebrow, before her face breaks into a beaming smile.
>"We'd be happy to tailor something for you! In fact, I insist on it! We'll having you looking dashing in no time, I assure you."
>Crap.
>Deflecting her offer, you reach for another alibi.
"I'm…sick?"
>Now the princess simply looks concerned.
>"Oh? Well, the gala is still a few weeks away. I'm sure the royal physician could prescribe something until you are well again."
>Damn, Celestia seems to easily counter your every move, like some chess grandmaster thwarting each pitiful attempt to rally yourself and defend.
>You're not sure if she's knows full well what you're doing or she seems to just have an answer for everything.
"No, that won't be necessary. I'm, uh, traveling that day."
>Celestia cocks her head in curiosity.
>"I see. Where are you headed?"
>Your Equestrian geography skills fail you when you need them most.
>Seeing no other option, you grumble something incoherent, hoping that will satisfy her curiosity.
>Spoiler alert: it doesn't.
>The alicorn leans forward, ear pivoting toward you.
>"Come again, Anonymous?"
"Bnnfshmfsre."
>"Where?"
"Uh, Bucktrottingshire?"
>"Anonymous, that isn't a real place."
>Damn. She has you now.
>Resigning, you slip back into your chair, giving a profound, exasperated sigh.
>You're hopelessly out of ideas.
>But to your uneasy surprise, Celestia doesn't appear angry that you've lied to her.
>In fact, she looks very sullen and disappointed.

>"Anonymous, if you do not wish to accept, a simple 'no' shall suffice."
>Your heart sinks into your chest at seeing the upset look on her face.
>Your resolve weakens a bit, though you're not about to be swayed by that alone.
>Readying another bite of cake with your fork, you lift it to your mouth.
>It's halfway there before the Princess speaks again.
>"My sister is a good mare, Anonymous, despite her past. Is the idea of taking her to the gala really so unbearable to you?"
>Fuck, she's laying it on thick now.
>A pang of guilt throbs through you and set the fork back down on the plate, suddenly no longer hungry.
>Funny, you knew it was coming and you still fell for it.
"Forgive me, your highness, but, shouldn't Luna be the one asking me this?"
>The Sun Princess flicks those sad eyes back over to you.
>"I suppose. I'm not normally one to meddle with my sister's affairs, but as her elder sibling, I feel responsible for her unhappiness."
>You sigh and place your hand over your face, squeezing the bridge of your nose and shutting your eyes tight, trying to gather your thoughts.
>Shit are you really going to do this?
>You are out of excuses, so there's no sense in lying any further.
>Plus, it might be bad form to turn down a Princess of Equestria for a date.
>You have a feeling life might get infinitely more complex around here if you walk.
>Celestia does not seem like the kind of princess to exact revenge, but, if word ever got out...
>A shiver comes over you. Your reputation was already in dire straits. Ponies looked at you funny and you never got the impression you were trusted and welcomed.
>Maybe this could be good for you.
>That said, you invoke your last distraction.
"What's the big deal with going to the gala by herself, anyway? Is it some kind of rule?"
>Celestia seems to give that some thought before shrugging.
>"Not really. I would just like to see my sister enjoy herself a bit. Isn't that reason enough?"

>You chew on the piece of cake, savoring the bite before giving your nonchalant answer.
"Okay."
>The princess perks up, eyelids rolling back like window blinds.
>"Pardon?"
"I said okay."
>Her jaw slackens slightly, mouth dangling open.
>"So you'll accept?!"
>She isn't making this easy, that's for sure.
"Yes. But just for the gala, understand?"
>Celestia's entire form gives way to visible relief.
>The white alicorn nods emphatically, a grin forming across her face.
>"Oh, splendid. She'll be so excited to hear from you!"
>Hang on, what?
"You mean she doesn't know about this?"
>Celestia's enthusiasm falters somewhat as she flashes a bashful smile in your direction.
>"Nnnnnooo. I thought it might be nice for you to ask her personally. If she knew I had organized this it might ruin the fun."
"Isn't that sort of underhanded?"
>"Come again?"
"Underhooved, sorry."
>The princess simply chuckles at your suggestion, though by the uneasiness in her chortle, you can tell she might have thought the same thing at some point.
>"W-what makes you think that, Anonymous?"
"Because it'll give her the wrong idea. I don't want to lead the poor girl on."
>Suddenly Celestia looks serious and she places both her golden-clad hooves on the table, shaking the china somewhat.
>"Anonymous, she must not know about this meeting. For all intents and purposes, you asked her of your own volition. Understand?"
>That doesn't seem right, but in your rush to calm her down, you agree.

>Celestia frowns somewhat, but not at you. Almost as if she hadn't thought that far ahead, which is odd for the all-powerful mother figure of the entire kingdom.
>She lifts her hoof to her chin and keeps it there pensively for a few moments.
>"You could put in for an audience with her as she holds Second Court. A more public invitation might be nice."
"I'm not great at public speaking."
>"Oh, come now, Anonymous! It will be cute!"
>"Cute" is not a word you considered part of Celestia's lexicon, but there it is.
"Can't I just send her a letter?"
>"You could, but it would only have half the effect. The public should know."
"I thought this was about Luna, not the public."
>Celestia seems to be getting tired of your constant asides and interjections, like you're spoiling her chance to play matchmaker.
>Her scowl is enough to make you back up a few inches and you soon find your head resting against the back of your chair in your attempt to distance yourself.
>"It would reflect well on my sister for you to ask her in the open. I'll make sure you'll have an opportunity to attend court some night soon. And don't worry about your speaking ability. I'll have a script drawn up for you to follow."
>This whole thing feels wrong, but you realize you're too involved now to consider backing out.
"I'll be ready, then."
>Celestia's smile tugs at the sides of her mouth once more, apparently very satisfied with you.
>She rises from her chair, ascending into her tall alicorn form once more.
>Once up, she beats a soft retreat to the door of the parlor, calling back to you as she exits.
>"Wonderful. Now, I should have the tailors working on your outfit, so please pardon me. Lots to do! I'll send a guard to show you out."
"Kay."
>The Princess nods at you before slipping through the doors and out of sight.
>You stab the coffee cake angrily and force the oversized piece into your mouth.
>What did you just get yourself into?

>The night of your court appointment arrives quickly.
>You aren't sure what all the fuss was about.
>Apparently Second Court was like night shift at your old job back on Earth.
>Only a handful of customers, but you had to be there in case someone desperately needed tweezers at 3 am or some bum wandered in and started pissing on the magazine rack.
>In the same way, Luna's court was sparsely populated, designed to host only the matters too small or too unorthodox to fit into her sister's schedule.
>That actually makes you feel kind of bad for the younger princess.
>But not enough to make this any less laborious.
>You wait outside the grand hall, the mammoth doors firmly shut.
>You understand the need for privacy, but your shoe clacks against the marble floor like an impatient clock's metronome.
>A guard pony sitting at your side.
>A couple of times you catch him leaning up against the pike he's carrying, his eyelids failing before jolting himself awake again.
>What is this? Amateur hour?
>Finally the doors lurch open with a groan and they open, like an enormous moth beating its wings.
>They're so unnecessarily large you could fit a tank through them if they were only halfway open.
>A few ponies dawdle out of the split, all of them looking somewhat stiff.
>One of them digs at his ear with his hoof, as if soothing it.
>Christ, that took forever. Let's just get this over with.

>The guard pony next to you nervously presses his helmet back into place and escorts you in.
>The Grand Hall is most deserving of its title.
>The cavernous throne-room borders on the megalomaniacal with its size.
>You silently resist the urge to yell out and listen for your echo.
>A long, slender red rug leads up to a set of twin thrones on the far side of the room, raised off the floor by a short staircase that spans the width of the hall.
>Practically squinting, you make out the unmistakable form of the princess, who seems to have busied herself with a comically long piece of parchment.
>Walking two abreast, you and the guard make a long, awkward approach.
>A few guardsmen shoot you nervous looks as you pass, but they do not break rank.
>You ignore them and face forward, now close enough to see the Princess' mane fluttering in the windless room, her face hidden behind the cream-colored scroll.
>Stopping at the foot of the stairs, the guard kneels awkwardly on all four hooves, lowering his barrel to the ground.
>You attempt to mimic him, albeit your own bipedal version.
>Something tells you if you do this right, you'll be out of here soon.
>The silence of the room breaks as the guard beside you spools out an introduction.
>"Ahem, your royal highness, Princess of the Moon, Sultana of the Stars, Deliver of Night and All Heavenly Bodies, Second Born and co-ruler of Equest-"
>Oh, for fuck's sake.
>"-ria, Princess Luna."
>But she still scratches at the paper with a floating pen, the quill enveloped masterfully in a magic aura.
>"Aye, what matter must we attend to next? A dispute over manure again?"
>Well, at least she's not doing that annoying voice anymore.
>Her vocab could use some work, though.

>You look over at the guard, unsure, but he looks just as lost.
>To his credit, he finds the courage to speak up again, this time giving you a more proper introduction.
>"N-no, your majesty. The one called Anonymous requests a moment of your time."
>The paper flutters to the side, revealing the angular face of the second royal sister.
>She reveals a face of confusion, one of her eyebrows rising as she sees you standing before her.
>"Ah, the human. Very well, rise and speak, alien."
>She turns, her tail and mane oddly not turning with the rest of her, as she slinks back to her seat.
>Settling into the chair with the moon crest, she turns those impatient eyes back toward you.
>Wow. You've never been called "alien" before.
>Hopefully you won't be branded a heretic or a witch before you leave tonight.
>But your knee unbends at her command, rising from your prostrated position and standing at full attention.
>Glancing over your shoulder, you see the guard slinking away and he flashes a sheepish, apologetic smile at you as he creeps off toward the door.
>You roll your eyes and bring them back around, making contact with Luna's cool gaze.
>She motions for you to speak by hurriedly stirring the air with her hoof.
>Well, had better get started.
>Placing your hand to your chest, you give a polite half-bow before speaking loudly to close the distance.
"Your royal highness, it is so lovely to see you again on such a masterfully crafted night."
>You lay it on thick, hoping to at least grease the political hinges first.
>The falseness of the grin you wear is enough to make your teeth crack, but you persist.
"If it so pleases the princess, I would like to submit a request."
>Luna's eyebrow flexes in mild curiosity, but mostly annoyance.
>"Please, human, do not fritter away the court's time with pettiness. Be out with it!"
>Ironic, but you decide to get to the point.

>You choke down what remains of your pride to put Celestia's plan into motion.
"If she is not spoken for, may I have the honor of accompanying you to the Grand Galloping Gala?"
>One of the guards drops his spear and it clatters loudly to the floor.
>Luna blinks a few times, as if trying to digest the audacity of your question.
>You're struggling to place the emotion on her face as the room goes eerily still, even more so than before.
>"S-speak again, Anonymous?"
>You fight the urge to sigh in exasperation before repeating yourself politely.
"If it so pleases the Princess, would you allow me to be your escort to the gala this month? Although I'm sure you've received a long list of potential stallions for the job, I'm sure."
>You're here to ask her to the gala, not humiliate her in front of her own detachment. Might as well make her look good in the process.

>Her jaw hangs agape for a moment before she makes a concerted effort to close it.
>Her eyes scan the room, as if trying to determine if this is all part of some cruel joke.
>"Truly, Anonymous? You wish to escort us to the festivities?"
"Truly, your highness."
>A lie.
>But you hide your dishonesty well enough that Luna does not seem to notice.
>A blush starts to form on her cheeks, easily detected even under the dark blue of her coat.
>"Oh, a most generous offer! But so sudden!"
>Her hoof begins to twirl her mane, curling it around in a nervous gesture. She seems to be biting her lip.
"Shall I give you some time to decide, your majesty? I'm sure you have several stallions to choose from."
>Luna seems to pick up on that and quickly repeats it, probably for the sake of the guards.
>"Ah, yes. Many, many suitors have inquired about my availability.Yes! Soooooo many, in fact, the royal postmaster is inundated with letters! Naturally!"
>It digs at your heart a little bit, because you know better.
>Her face turns up into a forced smile, but there's a certain uneasiness about her, hiding the obvious lie.
>But you simply stand there, not really wanting to become a part of the charade.
>"Having said that…"
>Luna rises from the throne and trots over to you, an almost girly bounce in each of her hoofsteps.
>She circles you a moment, inspecting you and giving small sighs of approval.
>"Hmm. Good posture. Well spoken…"
>You remain still, not bothering to turn your head as she circles you.
>A hoof taps you on the lower back, prodding slightly.
>"Not to mention, ahem, robust."
>Did a princess just make a pass at you?
>She completes the circle and comes to a stop in front of you, standing proudly.
>"We would accept your invitation with much enthusiasm!"
>Unexpectedly, you feel a smile tug at the sides of your face, almost in…relief?
>No, that couldn't be it. You dismiss the thought and move along.

>A glance to the side reveals the entire garrison of guards has been gawking.
>In an attempt to regain her form, Luna reclaims her scowl and grows artificially cold.
>"That is, for political p-purposes only! A creature such as yourself might be useful! For this reason and this reason alone, we shall allow you to be at our side."
>You play along. A princess does need to keep her appearances up, after all.
>Although for some reason you're slightly disappointed. Why?
>Again, with the pesky thoughts, you brush them aside and back her up.
"Of course, your highness. A gesture of good will toward non-ponies living in Equestria, I'm sure."
>Luna nods emphatically, almost too quickly.
>But the guards seem to buy it and that's enough.
>She draws close however and you force yourself not to back away, allowing her to lift her muzzle to your ear.
>She coos in a whisper, her voice like the softness of an evening breeze.
>"Please, meet with me at the gardens tomorrow? At moonrise?"
>Her archaic diction gives way to much more natural flow. Perhaps the whole thesaurus reciting was for official business only.
>The gardens? For what?
>You thought you might just be on the hook for the gala itself.
>The idea of volunteering even more of your time aggravates you, but at this point, you don't see how you could gracefully refuse.
>The last time you tried excuses on a princess, you made one cry.
>You're not about to go 2 for 2.
>You give a small nod and a polite smile.
"Of course, your highness. I'll be prompt."
>This makes Luna almost giddily happy and she claps her forehooves together in glee.
>Although she places them promptly on the floor in a sloppy attempt to hide her satisfaction.
>Reprising her role as a hardened politician, she begins to dismiss you.
>"You have your answer, human! Now, clear the way for the next appointment! Begone!"
>A guard interjects.
>"Your highness? That was the last appointment of the night."
>"Oh. We see."

>Luna recovers from her mistake rather quickly, though.
>"Very well. We shall retire to the observatory. Kindly show Anonymous to the castle gate."
>As if on cue, two guards step to your sides, flanking you.
>Luna watches as they lead you from the throne.
>You look back over your shoulder, only to see Luna smiling at you, her tail flicking excitedly, like a dog.
>"Farewell, Anonymous."
"Until tomorrow, your highness."
>The guards continue to lead you to the door and soon, you emerge into the Canterlot night.
>Oddly enough, the sky seems brighter than it was when you arrived, the moon beaming proudly like a wafer.
>Maybe your eyes are still adjusting. Yeah, that's it.
>You slowly leave the castle in your wake as you dodder down the path leading to the city.
>Did that go well? You aren't really sure.
>She said yes, so mission accomplished, you suppose.
>But you still feel a little uneasy.
>A couple of things did not go to plan.
>The first being this secret meeting with Luna.
>You're not sure how that fits into the grand scheme of things. But hopefully it won't be a problem.
>The second item is what troubles you more:
>Luna having to feign disinterest for the sake of the guards sort of hurt.
>That didn't make sense, though. You know she didn't really mean it.
>Still, it oddly leave you a bit better.
>Hah, listen to you. Bitter? You remind yourself you're doing this as a favor and that seems to refocus your feelings.
>Eh, fuck it. At least Celestia will be happy.