Life

Hi, decided to write this today, because I feel like I can share everything that's been going on for past 6-7 months, while maintain the intent behind the message - clear things out and spread light, rather than darkness.

So long story short - for last 6-7 months I've have been struggling a lot with my life. Literally. There were moments when I considered suicide, but being slightly responsible for my actions I was always telling myself that this is not a way out, this is just giving up, and it wasn't something I ever want to do.

I wanted to go on big public outcry, to reach for peoples' responses, to maybe make myself feel better, but I haven't done that, or at least haven't done that in a major way. There is a pastebin that I never released, which I only wrote out of self-pity. It was named "I hate writting this and I hate myself" and was describing in-depth why I felt miserable and hated everything around me. Instead of releasing it to the public on twitter, I just wrote few tweets describing my inner struggle and that was it. As of right now this paste is deleted.

Some points need to be brought up though. I felt like I wasn't anymore in control of my life and I was doing only things that I would consider "right to do" rather than doing things that I "want to do". I felt (and still kinda feel) tired of my current job as it gave me much stress in the end of 2018, due to a project that we were doing, and I handled that time really poorly, because I was so bummed-down overall. I felt that my streams are the only way out of misery cycle, felt like I can just shut my brain out and do speedruns or play games. I felt like living together with Nastya was something of a burden other than a thing that I wholeheartedly wished for. I made some bad moves toward her in a past, handled some things really poorly and was constantly running into similar issues, starting to think that we aren't supposed to be together and that I'm just some good for nothing moron who can't even handle his own life.

But then gears in my brain started to move, crushing all that rust that was polluting me. It all happened during ESAWinter. It was first time in a long time when I just went somewhere for a long time on my own and where I was all by myself. Those few of you who were there did contribute greatly to that. I finally felt like... I was doing something that I wanted to do! Being with people who I enjoy being around. Appreciating the time together that exists. I realised that I just need to move on, let past in the past.

I know this sounds dumb, but it really "feels" that simple. I started to dedicate more time to Nastya and friends, thinking more of my mood rather than blindly pursuing goals like "get bigger on twitch by just playing that one game everyone cares for" or "keep working to get money to do stuff" or "spend this evening with <person> because you were ignoring them for too long". That's also when I started seeing that my twitch channel recently became much more alive thanks to some new people joining me, who would watch close to everything I play, talk to me, be there and it meant so much for me!

Things aren't in a perfect shape just yet, but it does feel a lot better. I'm getting more positive thoughts daily, I stream things that I want to and I'm really glad that some of these things can be almost on par with GTA 2. I will be streaming more in future and I'm not planning to stop. We are currently planning our wedding with Nastya, which will happen in June. We still plan on attending ESA19, even though we haven't registered.

I also decided that I want to quit my job. While I like people here and it isn't bad job or really hard one, I really got tired of it. First time since middle school I feel like I want to try something. Fail or success - doesn't matter. In couple of months I'll do it to see it for myself, rather than building castles in the air. I will try fulltime streaming, cause that is a thing that I really want to push for myself. I want to try it out. I'm not sitting on a dying channel, in fact it gets better and better lately! I can finally see light and I want to follow it, rather than just look at it, enjoying its breif shining.

In hard times even if you think life is a bitch, you should try moving it in a such a way that at least you'd proudly say that you did things and you tried things. And if something doesn't work out - move to other things. And that is how I'm gonna act.

Thanks for being with me and I hope you'll keep being with me, cause I'm not done just yet!