on intimacy

Heh. Funny how it is, you know?

Everyone makes a big deal of the First Time. They want it to be special. Some people want it to be with the person they’re gonna be with forever. There’s entire religious doctrine surrounding not doing it until you’re married. Even in my culture, usually it’s done with the expectation that you’re actually breeding.

And here I am, and mine was done in the quiet with a friend, with whom I can never conceive. I think that’s fine, really. Perfect, in fact.

Hardline traditionalists would wonder why I’m throwing away my womb, but it was one time, and you can’t throw away something that might never have been viable in the first place. When I used to actually visit the sept I’d get weird middle-aged Garou telling me I’ll be a great mother. ‘Will be’, mind you, not ‘would be’. They made it sound like an absolute. I never had the heart or nerve to tell them otherwise. Made it easier to detach myself and just fade away quietly when the time came that I learned what Anya turned into.

For a second, after that last comment, after I knew what she did but before anyone else knew, I guess I understood for a second how she felt. About the society. About her only worth being her ovaries. Retrospect is a weird fucking animal, but here we are.

I never saw it the way they did. Maybe if I had a dad, had that older Garou in my life, been indoctrinated into it, I would have a better understanding. But I don’t. To me, it’s just not that big of a deal. My mom never really made a big deal out of sex and intimacy the way I’ve heard others do. It’s just a thing that happens. Yeah we got the talk, sure we did. Mom was very thorough about it. As soon as either of us started bringing up those feelings, she made sure we were experts and knew how to be safe. But there was never any of that marriage shite, or waiting for The Right One.

It was never about some sacred bond, to me. Not really. It’s not a sacrament that should never be dirtied by casual attitude, it’s just a thing you can do with your meat caves and your yogurt tubes. A way to be close with someone you enjoy the company of. And even better if you don’t have to worry about siring a baby. That’s it.

Fuck, though… now that I think about it, I don’t even really know what a romantic connection really feels like. I know what love is, and I know that there’s a lot of different kinds, but I don’t know what that specific love is. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it before. I was more focused on my friends, and… her. I don’t know what romantic love implies. I don’t even know if I want it, because I’ve never thought about it, because most of my closeness I’ve gotten from the friends I’ve picked up. Is this how you discover you’re aromantic? Is it too soon to make that call? If I see someone like that, will I just know?

I’m sorry. I’m monologuing again.