Pinkie Pie protects KidAnon from /ss/ ponies

This was originally going to be a series of one shots, but I only ever wrote a few of them.


***

Help!
>You are kid anon
Someone help!
>And your lungs burn as you sprint frantically through the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres
HELP ME!!
>Sweat pours down your brow and your legs are getting heavy
>But you have to keep running
>You have to – Oh god gotta breathe
>You double over with your hands on your thighs, panting and gasping for air
>Maybe you lost ‘em
>”Gettin’ tired yet partner?”
>Nah of course you didn’t
>Groan and begin running again, zig zagging through trees and desperately trying to lose the crazy country cowgirl chasing you
>You’ve been running since she saw you in town square
>But even though you’re fucking winded you know that if she catches you good things aren’t going to happen
>You aren’t really sure why it’s so important to protect your “pony virginity”
>But you know that what they want to do to you feels weird, so –
>Lose your train of thought as you find yourself falling forward
>You hit the ground hard and feel your wrist throb in pain
>”Oh my, however did this happen darling?”
>Looks like miss Rarity caught up with the two of you
>”My Anonymous, you’ve fallen.”
>See a ribbon tied around your ankle and wrapped around the trunk of an apple tree
>Yeah, you totally must’ve tripped
>”And it looks like you can’t get up either.”
>Wait!
>Almost too fast for you to comprehend a bunch of floating sheets of silk wrap around your arms and legs, binding you
>Miss Rarity emerges from out of the trees shadows and smiles at you
>”Don’t struggle dear.”
>You always struggle!
>Thrash around on the ground like an animal in hopes of breaking the bonds around you
>Quickly get tired, no luck breaking a damn thing other than your will
>”Now we simply must bring you back to the boutique to clean all that dreadful dust off of you.”
>She licks her lips when she says this
He –
>A needle cushion gets shoved in your mouth and miss Rarity gives a quick chuckle
>”Apple sauce, Rarity!”
>Miss Applejack emerges from behind a tree and confronts miss Rarity
>”Ah found him first today, so but out would ya? Ah almost had him too.”
>Miss Rarity turns up her nose, “You can’t be serious darling. How were you even planning on enjoying such carnal acts with young Anonymous here when he is so sweaty and filthy.”
>The heck does the carnival have to do with any of this?
>As they get into a heated argument you feel yourself being lifted, floating up towards the sky
>Miss Twilight meets you in the clouds, and you see her smirk at the country pony and the city pony arguing down below
>”That was almost too easy, huh Anon?”
>Give her a flat look and she blushes
>”How silly of me. Here let me get that.”
>She pulls the cushion out of your mouth and removes the binds
Thanks, miss Twilight
>”Don’t mention –“
HELP!
>”Wait, Anon.”
SOMEONE HELP!
>”Anon stop, they’ll hear us.”
>Twilight attempts to silence you with her hoof but you continue to scream regardless
>”Stop screaming, or I’m going to make you take the intelligence tests again.”
I don’t wanna be studied!
>Twilight puffs her cheeks, “How do you know if you haven’t even tried it yet?”
It feels weird! HELP!
>”Anon if you –“
>Suddenly you feel something slam into your back and push you recklessly and quickly through the air
>”Don’t worry squirt, I gotcha!”
>You’re in the arms of Rainbow Dash
>Dash throws a cocky grin your way and you wrap your arms around her neck
Thanks, Rainbro Dash
>She likes it when you call her that for some reason
>”Anytime champ.”
>The two of you lock eyes for a while, slowly losing your smiles
>”Don’t screa –“
HELP!
>Dash groans and begins flying at super sanic speeds, splitting the stratosphere swiftly with sonic spurts of speed slicing through – Oops she dropped you
>As she was flying over a canyon too, bummer
>”Anon!”
>You close your eyes and scream as you plummet through the air and approach death
>Until you suddenly land on something fluffy that is
>Open your eyes and see that you’re in the palm of a big white glove
>Could it be?
>”Looks like I caught you just by the tip there, first mate Nonny.”
>You follow the cheery voice and see Pinkie Pie, your best friend in this crazy horse haymension, piloting a hot air balloon, a pirate hat on her head and her mane stuck to her chin to make it look like she has a pink pirate beard
>”Get it? Tip? You know, like fingertip?”
>You crack a smile and climb aboard
Where the heck have you been, Captain Pinkie?
>Her voice becomes gruff, “Aye was wrastlin’ with my arch neighmesis, Moby Duck. You should’ve seen him splash the water me heartie, there was waves as big as any ol’ skipper I ever saw. The sea water flooded the deck, nearly blinded me in my one good eye.”
>That’s pirate talk for “I had a bath and splashed around, playing make believe before getting shampoo in my eye”
>You reach out and try to move the pink mane that was covering her “bad” eye, but she bats your hand away
>”No time for that now, we got company.”
>Look out and see miss Dash and miss Twilight flying after you, with miss Applejack and miss Rarity in pursuit in Twilight’s old hot air balloon
We’re outnumbered captain
>Captain Ponk ports hard and pulls on the chain like the seven devils of the seas themselves was givin’ ya chase
>”That may be first mate, but we got somethin’ they don’t.”
>Captain Ponk taps on the wicker floor below and bellows, “It’s time for yer entrance ya scaleywag!”
>A slot opens on the basket and a cannon pokes out of it
>”Fire at will!”
>The cannon shoots out a big pink glob that crackles as it flies through the air and misses miss Twilight
>You don’t think it could be…
>”Here lad!”
>Captain Ponk throws a bag at ya and you open it up and see scours of different gumballs inside
>”Chew with all your might, and drop it down that chute when it’s good and sticky.”
>You do as your told, and between the two of you three more cannonballs are made
>”Don’t miss this time ya green lubber! Get them flyin’ harpies first!”
>Miss Twilight and miss Dash both get looks of fear on their faces, and they speed up to try and catch you before the cannon can go off
>They know that Gallstone Gummy is the fiercest shot in the land
>And Rainbow is reminded of it when she gets hit with the first sticky ball, immediately causing her to lose control and crash into the trees below
>Good thing Captain Ponk got you away from the canyon before she decided to scupper these swabbies
>”How many cannonballs we got left, Nonny?!”
Two captain
>”That’s no good, we don’t have enough artillery.”
What’ll we do?
>”We need to knock two birds with one stone lad, think about it lad, think!”
>You look around, frantically trying to think of something
>Down on the ground you see miss Dash struggling to get out of her bubble gum prison, the entire top of the tree is covered in gum, and miss Dash’s frantic thrashing is only making a bigger mess
>Wait a minute
I know what to do captain
>Turn around and see the captain pointing a sharpened candy cane at her neck before tossing it overboard
>”Well I might outrun death again today after all. I’m countin’ on you boy!”
>You tell Gunner Gummy to aim for a specific target and soon the air is crackling again as the gum cannonball incapacitates miss Rarity
>She screams a shrill ear piercing whine and orders miss Applejack to land the balloon so she can bathe
>”Rarity ah ain’t gonna land this thing just cause y’all got a little gum in your mane.”
>Miss Rarity practically pushes miss Applejack overboard as she tries to gain control of the balloon
>You sigh in relief when you see miss Applejack hanging onto one of the ropes of the balloon, looking more annoyed than scared
>Though it looks like miss Rarity isn't too good at piloting as miss Applejack, and you watch as the balloon drifts away and goes down
There’s just one left captain
>”Good job me heartie, I’ll drown ya in drink if we live through this.”
Fire again!
>”Wait lad!”
>Huh?
What is it captain?
>”Take a good look at the purple one through this.”
>She gives you a rolled up paper that you use as a telescope and you see the magic force field she’s put around herself
This is bad captain
>”Aye, but fear not, ol’ Captain Pinkie has got it covered.”
>Leave it to Captiain Ponk…
>Captain raises a white flag and gets miss Twilight’s attention
>”We surrender. C’mere and I’ll give ya the boy!”
>…To completely ruin everything?!
No, captain!
>You hear Twilight enthusiastically shouting “yes” as she nears the balloon
Don’t let her take me! I don’t want to be studied!
>”I’m sorry lad.” Captain moves her neck and you hear its stiffness. “I’m getting too old for this.”
>Twilight lands in the balloon and tries to pull you into the force field, but you grab hold of the basket and hang on for life
>”Come on Anon, it’ll be fun. Think of what an exciting letter it’ll make to, Princess Celestia.”
NO!
>You hear the captain laugh suddenly, and she reaches into a bag and pulls out a can of fizzy pop and begins shaking it
Captain?
>”Pinkie what are you –“
>Before she can finish Captain opens the can and sprays fizzy pop all over Twilight’s force field, the brown fizzy liquid slowly dripping down the purple sphere
>Twilight smirks, but then that disappears when she feels a drop of liquid hit her forehead
>Then the captain grins, as the force field slowly breaks down
>”How in Equestria did you do that, Pinkie?!”
>Captain simply bangs on the floor below and a slot opens up
>Before miss Twilight can react she gets hit with a cannonball and goes flying out of the balloon and arcing through the air towards the yonder
You did it!
>You and Captain Ponk hug and she ruffles your hair and smiles down at you
>”I couldn’t let anything happen to me first mate now, could I?”
But, how did you know that soda would destroy her force field?
>She just laughs and smiles her yellow rotted smile
>”Teeth ain’t the only thing fizzy pop can destroy me heartie.”
>You land the balloon and Pinkie changes out of her pirate costume
>Feels good to be back on the ground after such a long voyage on the sky sea
Thanks for saving me again, Pinkie
>”Don’t mention it, Nonny. That was a ton of fun.”
>You shiver
For you maybe
>Pinkie waves a hoof, “Aw don’t worry about them, Nonny. They’d never actually hurt you.”
I know
>You lie
I just don’t… I’m not ready yet
>Pinkie nods and looks off into the sunset
>You aren’t really sure what those words mean, but you find that saying them helps diffuse the situation quicker
>”You’ll be ready someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Until that day though I’ll be your protector, Nonny.”
>Suddenly you feel a cloth touch your lips and nose, it has a strong smell
>”Ever vigilant, and ever alert, the hero you don’t need, but the one you deserve.”
>You’re eased down to the ground and you see miss Fluttershy looking down at you, you’re in her arms
>”Pinkie Pie the pony protector. That’s me alright, when I’m all out of gum anyway.”
>Miss Fluttershy coos into your ear and tells you everything is okay, even though you know for damn sure it isn’t
>Pinkie?
>”I’ve got eyes in the back of my head, and a nose too.”
>Pinkie!
>”I can smell trouble coming from all directions.”
>She looks up, “Here.”
>Down, “There.”
>She spins around and makes herself dizzy as she falls face first, “And everywhere.”
>PINKIE HELP!!
>Pinkie raises her head, grass in her mane and on her face, and she sees what’s happening, but remains a blank slate
>Likewise miss Fluttershy sees Pinkie and just stares at her as well
>Then a zipper suddenly becomes visible on miss Fluttershy’s face and she slowly unzips herself to reveal that she was actually Pinkie in a miss Fluttershy costume
>The Pinkie on the ground then meekly sighs and unzips herself to reveal that she was miss Fluttershy in a Pinkie costume
>Pinkie (the real one that’s holding you) sighs and shakes her head
>”Fluttershy you promised me that you wouldn’t use your costume to trick, Nonny.”
>Miss Fluttershy taps her hooves and apologizes
>Then she looks at you and asks if you'd still like to come with her, but you just ignore her
>Pinkie grabs the costumes, “I’m going to have to confiscate these until further notice.”
That was awesome, Pinkie. When did you pull the ol’ switcheroo?
>”I’m always one step ahead, Nonny.”
>You reach into your pocket and fish out a pink gumball you saved for her and she gladly takes it
>She smiles at you, “Wanna play the Fluttershy game, Nonny?”
What’s that?
>Pinkie chews at a rhythm on her bubblegum and throws you the Fluttershy costume, “I don’t know, let’s go home and find out. Race ya!”
>The two of you laugh and rush towards home as fast as you can, with Fluttershy tailing you and barely keeping up
>”Um, is the Fluttershy game your fetish, Anon? Can I play if it is?”
>Meanwhile in the southern fields of Sweet Apple Acres, four friends fatefully fell in the same spot, and are all stuck in a big wad of chewing gum together, wondering if anyone is going to come get them out

***


>You arrive at the house where the meeting is going to take place
>Random house in Ponyville, out on the edge of town
>Don’t think anypony has lived in this house for years now
>It’s late out at night so no pony is going to be seeing you right now
>The lights begin to turn on in the house and you start focusing on your breathing
>You fan yourself with your hat before placing it back on your head
>Getting a little hot and bothered about this; especially when you think about what the two of you had sent to each other through letters
>If half of what you told him you were going to do him is true then you’re definitely hoping that Anon brought those rubbers
>Gosh, you can’t believe that sexy human finally decided to get down n’ dirty with a pony
>And you can’t believe it’s gonna be you
>He could have anypony if they were sly enough to keep it hidden
>Technically he’s still a minor – at eleven he’s still taller than nearly everypony in town though – but hey, if he wants it then he wants it
>You ain’t one to judge; after all, they used to do it that young in the old days
>You double check to make sure no pony is around
>His letter said he’d be alone, but you can never really know if somepony is watching
>Your hoof feels as heavy as steel as you bring it up to knock on the door
>”Who is it?” asks Anon from behind the door
>You clear your throat, but still try to talk low
It’s me, Applejack.
>”Oh, come on in.”
>His cheery voice makes you feel a bit at ease
>You open the door and see that this supposedly abandoned house is pretty well-lit and furnished
>But where’s Anon?
>”I’ll be right down.” You hear him say from somewhere
>Take it he’s probably upstairs then
>”Help yourself to something to eat.”
>Well you are feeling a bit hungry
>If not now then definitely afterwards
>You open the fridge only to find that it’s full of soda pop, pudding, and whipped cream
>Typical eleven-year-old diet
I’m’ma have to bring you some apples sometime!
>You hear a laugh that isn’t his
>Looking up you see, of all ponies, Pinkie Pie come around the corner and into the room you’re in
>”Hi there, cousin. Why don’t you have a seat?”
Pinkie?!
>”That’s me. Now, why don’t you have a seat?”
>You swallow nervously and find a seat in the kitchen
>She’s practically Anon’s ma. She’s raised him ever since he came here a couple years ago
>Why is she here?
Pinkie, what is goin’ on? Where’s, Anon?
>She narrows her eyes, “you’re looking for Nonny, huh?”
Um…
>”Applejack, why don’t you tell me why you’re here to see Nonny tonight.”
Tarnation! Why bother? You seem to know already.
>”I do?” She smiles, “oh, is this Twenty Questions?”
I don’t think so.
>Her smile disappears
>”Oh, but I had a really good guess. Come on, cousin.”
>Okay, Pinkie is screwier than Granny’s knee plates – you love her, but it’s true – so maybe if you play along you can get out of this
Fine, I’ll play. Is what you’re thinking of thin?
>”Yeah.”
Alright, is it something you write on?
>”Sure is.”
>Oh boy
>You put your face in your hoof
Is it my dirty letters to Anon?
>”Wow! You’re really good at this game.”
>This ain’t going well
>Pinkie pulls out your letters
>”So, did you know that Nonny was only eleven when you sent these to him?”
Pinkie, I was at his dang party three months ago.
>”So you counted the candles, did you? Well I think you may have miscounted, little missy.”
I’m not in trouble, am I?
“I dunno. Let me see here.”
>She looks over your letters
>”What did you mean when you wrote that you wanted to ‘squeeze his apples until the juice ran down his leg?’”
>Your face is all hot now as Pinkie narrows her eyes at you
Well, you see… to make apple juice…
>”Aw, come on! Tell me already. I’ve been trying to figure it out for, like, hours now.”
Darn it, Pinkie. You have to let me go. I’m really sorry. I’ll never bother Anon again.
>”I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I need to have you arrested. But hey, I’ll come visit you in the pony pokey.”
Pinkie, I can’t get arrested. I’ll ruin my family’s reputation. Please.
>You look into your friend’s eyes pleadingly
>She huffs, “shoot. You know I can’t stay mad at you. Alright, if you promise to leave Nonny alone I’ll let you go.”
Pinkie, I can’t thank you enough for…
>You go to get up out of your seat, but you find that your apple bottom is stuck to the chair
What the hay?
>”Oh,” Pinkie giggles, “I really thought you were going to try to escape, so I put gum on the seat to make sure you got stuck.”
>You awkwardly get on all fours and try to shake the chair off, but it’s no use
>The dang thing is stuck on your behind
Can ya help me get this thing off?
>”Um, I’m sorry.” Pinkie shakes her head, “that’s my special great-gluey-gummy-gum. I know from experience that you aren’t going to get that off without plenty of hot water and some crowbars.”
So, I got to walk through town with a chair stuck to my behind?
>”It’s not so bad. Think of it as a chastity belt that you can also relax in whenever you get tired of standing.”
Well I suppose this is better than getting in trouble with the law. Thanks again, Pinkie.
>”No problem. Let me walk you to the door.”
Ya know, maybe this is a sign. Maybe I ought to go for the younger stallions… just not too young.
>”That’s the spirit.”
>Pinkie opens the door
>”Just let me make sure I tell the boys that.”
>Boys?
>You look outside and see that the house is surrounded by members of the royal guard
>They begin advancing when they see you
Pinkie?
>”Wait!” Pinkie screams. “Applejack is alright. It’s a false alarm everypony.”
>The royal guard doesn’t listen to her
>Two of them pick you up and begin flying you into the air
Pinkie!
>”Hey! Didn’t you hear what I said? She didn’t squeeze any apples!”
>”You’re under arrest.” One of the guards says to you
But didn’t you hear Pinkie?
>”It’s not that. If she doesn’t press charges than there’s nothing we can do about that. But we’re arresting you for trying to steal that chair.”
Are you serious?!
>”We’re always serious, ma’am.”
>”Yeah,” says the other guard holding you. “It should be a crime to cover that ass up anyway.”
>”Rookie!”
>”I’m sorry.”
>”Don’t mind him. He’s young… but don’t get any ideas. He’s not that young.”
Is anypony going to try and get this chair off of me?
>”I will.”
>”Rookie!”

***
[unfinished one shot]

>You miss Pinkie
>Her help would really, really, be super right now
>With a sigh you get a good look at yourself in the reflection of your green war helmet
>A little dirt on the cheeks, but not bad
>With a thud you place it on your head, and you accept that you’ll be a mess by end of this
>You walk around the top of  the walls of your fortress and scan the evening sun behind you, the cool breeze being the only noise you hear
>In a way, you kind of wish that this could’ve happened in the afternoon
>Then you could blame all of your sweat on the sweltering heat
>You take your position behind the machine gun turret, and curse that baking convention one more time, before making out a tiny pin prick on the horizon
>That pin prick becomes a million little bodies of war wastefully waging their way towards your stronghold
>Just like her to take the direct approach
>You look down the barrel and start in the middle of the filthy horde, bracing yourself for the intense pain you’re about to feel
>After all, you don’t think kids were meant to operate devices of war like this
>With a war cry you let loose a flurry of shots into the immense army made up of clones of miss Applejack, and you hear their anguished cries from where you are as the bullets tear through their bodies
>Wave after wave of them advance, and they all fall as you swing the gun and never let go of the trigger, the recoil shaking your bones, your grip becoming raw, the immense noise of the shots eventually deafening you so that it’s all you can hear; that noise is survival
>Eventually the bodies begin piling up, and instead of becoming easier targets by having to climb over them, the army splits into two separate lines of attack, and it becomes like a game of two player Tetris
>When one line of attack gets closer to you, then you have to fire into them, but then the other line advances further and you have to swing the gun and fire into them, and vice versa
>You struggle to keep the gun steady as every shot becomes a push against you, but you know what will happen if you let even one of the miss Applejack clones get to the fortress walls
>She’ll take ‘em down with ease
>You clench your teeth so they don’t chatter, and keep firing as tears fill your eyes from the intense sight of the muzzle flashes
>Keep firing anyway, until eventually you discover that there are none left, and you hear the final shell ejected from your gun hit the floor and it’s the loudest sound you’ve ever heard
>Well… second loudest to the sonic rainboom anyway
>And that’s what’s streaking through the sky right now, with a million dots in the sky to accompany it
>You rush to the mortars, briefly looking only once to see if any miss Applejack’s are still standing
>All you see are a bunch of dead bodies, and some that aren’t dead, but will be as they writhe around in the red dirt
>You wish you hadn’t looked
>The sound of more rainbooms breaking the air keeps you from staring in awe, and you don’t even look up as you begin to load the bombs, you don’t have that kind of time
>The last thing you do is make sure to put in your ear plugs before letting a bomb fly, and you follow the smoke trail and look at the explosion in the sky, and the blue feathers falling
>This makes the miss Dash clones fly faster towards you, and they don’t even process the danger of their actions, they only know that their comrades have been attacked
>You really wish your hands would stop shaking, because every bomb needs to go in quicker than the last one, and you hold your breath and feel the ground shake under you as you let ‘em fly, the smoke arcing in the air