I havent wrote in a while and that's probably why I've been driving off the edge multiple times.
I forgot the only thing that really knew me to my core was this piece of sheet that I had poured my feelings upon. Life really is full of surprises something that I had never expected happened and I am left speechless in my defense, I never thought it'd occur, but I guess I was naive. I don't know where to start, I just. I feel so horrible, I feel terrible, I feel traumatized and constantly relapsing whenever I think about is hurting me, and the pain is excruciating. I know I didn't do too many good things in life, but I've changed and stopped doing the bad things but no one ever truly understands. The one person that I trusted in, the one person I changed for, the one person I gave everything to in alot of years hurts my heart alot, and even writing this I am exhausted from crying hours to hours and I feel pathetic. I guess I got more human than before, This conception of love is too hard for me to comprehend within myself. But the thing that mattered was that she had the ability to stop me, but, what if that was another disguise of hers? I made her part of my family, took her inside, spent time with her, made countless memories with her that it occupied the whole space in my heart that I had no room for anyone else. But yet, I had kept quiet about how I was feeling, but I love/d her even though I went through fights with her. One day I received a message from her friend, getting told things I didn't really want to hear, things that really made everything collapse, the sky was cracking, the world was collapsing all around me. I was lost, just back to the moment when I had lost everything. It hurts not knowing anything and it's a scary feeling to not know the truth. I said hurtful things and lied to myself to make it better atleast try to but every time I was done, I ended up spewing out words I didn't mean with angst in my eyes. Mixed with confusing feelings. I would tell them to lie to me so that I could get over it like I always have, but I knew it was too late for that. Because the truth is I would love her no matter and even if she did something worse and everything he said were true about her, I'd still treasure her and think no differently but there's a part to me that can't accept it. I want to believe her I really do, but it's wrong, it feels like everything is wrong, like there's no right in this world. Everything I had known feels like a complete sugar coated lie that I was too dense to see. I can make a million assumptions and be lied to, but in all it's my heart that tells me no matter what that I love her than myself, that i put her first priority above everyone else. Of course it's impossible for me to make any decisions when my heart's been set this way. I don't think she knows this though, even though I'm such an obvious person. I often wonder if there was something awful I must've done in order to receive all this. I once made a mistake that I didn't care about until I actually cared about her, feelings develop right? This is where I changed, but for some reason I think she's just attached to me as I am with her, but I know my feelings are different than that because why else would I be in this much pain? After I stopped talking to her blocking her off everything, I tortured myself, mentally, over and over, I abused myself. But, is it really worth it in order to keep my heart away from her, my head seems to be constantly having a war. It's like  my heart tells me it doesn't matter what it is, that I just need to be there but how can I, what if what if I don't know her?... That's why I'm scared, I'm scared of not knowing what I love. It seems so inhuman to me. There must've been something that was triggered if what he said was all true for her to keep it up, there must be something, there can't be a reason, but whatever reason it was I just wanted her to be truthful but at the same time I preferred to be lied to. But knowing lies will always be uncovered I just wanted to get the pain over with. She will probably never feel the way I do, but for some reason I don't mind that, as crazy as it sounds. But here is who I think she is, I think she's been through so much without having both parents, having a rough start in life, so everything around her being spoiled as they are didn't give her the respect she needed, so of course there were going to be mistakes, I think she has a flirtacious personality that she atleast tried to fix which I admire very much and am proud of, and I think she tends to bad mouth sometimes when she is mad but always takes them back atleast infront of me, to make me feel somewhat better? I wish I knew her to her core and that she knew me, I wish things didn't have to turn out this way. I also think she is very high on romance, but I couldn't give her what she wanted and I am ashamed of myself. I think she just wanted comfort but I was too full of myself, I think all she wanted was someone to be there to reassure her that things would be okay, but I was the one to make it not okay. I wish the person i knew was really her, but it could all be my dumb delusion. I guess I am also very delusional, seeking out things I want rather than what is. Nick says he loves her alot, but I don't think it's to the amount I do, atleast not deep down, I guess nick and I have different concepts when it comes to grasping love. His is more romantic, and mine is more secretive than it is, but I think aslong as she's happy I am happy. But I find honesty and trust to be so important and when I think about the things she's done for me, I am overfilled with joy and honestly she has been the best person so far I've ever met. Even if this weren't her, I know it's a part of her, and I have come to love all of it. It hurts when I look back on the messages but I rather just believe her even if she might not be telling the truth. Cause I know she can change, I have hopes for her, and I want her to become a very good person respected by society no matter what. I realize I just want to be with her no matter the consequences, even as friends, I just want to be with her because of what she showed me and how much change she did to me but I wish she was to be honest with me. That's one thing I ask for.