Arachnophilia: Hyssop Perfume

>You didn’t plan on being woken up at 7 AM on a Saturday morning by an irate farmer trying to break down your front door.
> You adjust your eyes to the blinding morning light to see the pony in question and your best friend standing in your doorway; one in a noticeably better mood than the other.
“Hey Flutters, AJ; what brings you to my abode at this…particular hour?”
>You try to hide your irritation; you know they wouldn’t bother you like this unless it was important.
>Fluttershy responds, “Oh, Anon, I’m so sorry we woke you up, but Applejack is having some trouble at her farm that may call for your, um, expertise.”
> You turn to your other guest.
“What’s the problem?”
> “It’s an infestation! Ah woke up this morning to start the day’s buckin’, but the whole orchard is covered in those darn star spiders! Ah went to Fluttershy’s first, but she thought you would be more help.”
>You respond nonchalantly
“I don’t see the problem here.”
>”Don’t see the problem!? Their blasted webs are keepin’ all the apples in the trees. And worse, what if one bit Applebloom or Granny Smith?”
“How many times have I told you, AJ, they’re non-venomous and completely harmless. While I still don’t see how having this many spiders in your orchard is a bad thing, I’m certainly intrigued by this behavior.”
“Star spiders rarely leave the Everfree, and, when they do, it’s always as individuals, never as groups. If they’re covering your trees with web, this could be indications of behavior never before seen in the species.”
>”Ah don’t give a flyin feather about all that sciency mumbo-jumbo; I just want them off of my farm!”
“Alright AJ, I’ll see what I can do. Give me five minutes to get ready.”
>”Thank you so much, Anon, I knew we could count on you.”
> Fluttershy flashes you that adorable smile of hers. Damn, you’d wake up as early as Applejack if it meant seeing that every morning.
“Yall are welcome to come inside while I get ready”
>You turn back into your home, with your friends in tow; although Applejack seemed visibly nervous.
>You walk back towards your bedroom to change out of your pajamas. As you walk past you are flanked on either side by walls of shelving that contain innumerable jars, containers, tanks, and terrariums.
>Each one housing its own living creature.
>You are Anonymous, resident human and entomologist extraordinaire.
>Well, you never actually finished your degree. You got sucked through a transdimensional portal half way through your junior year.
>But these ponies don’t need to know about your lack of official qualifications
>And, besides, it sounds a lot better than ‘dude who is obsessed with bugs’.
> You know how weird you hobby seems to “normal” people. You had to deal with a lot of flak back home for it.
> Interestingly enough, ponies seemed significantly less creeped out about it, but it may be because they just assumed all humans were as strange as you are.
> You couldn’t care less; you were too busy learning about this amazing new world you had been dropped into.
>Sure, you had a pretty good life back on earth, and you still miss your friends and family, but living in equestrian was worth it.
>The fauna here was amazing. Much of it was similar to earth’s creatures, but far more interesting. Most creatures seemed to possess much higher intelligence to their earthly counterparts, and this magic thing gave them all kind of outlandishly amazing appearances and abilities.
> You wouldn’t trade the opportunity to study this place for anything.
>Plus, you’ve made some great friends since you came here, Like Fluttershy.
> You two hit it off early. She was fascinated by you, thinking you were some new animal for her to learn about. This led to some discussion on the exact definition of that word, since you both originally wanted to apply it to the other, much to the others’ indignation
> You finally agreed that we’re all pretty much animals.
> But, you both had found your mutual love for the natural world, leading to a great friendship.
>Granted, you and she certainly saw things differently.
>Even before coming to equestria, you had mentally divided animal lovers into two distinct categories: the scientists and the pet owners.
> Scientists saw animals as fascinating, and kept many, but were emotionally detached, seeing them as specimens rather than pets. A scientist wouldn’t hesitate to put anything in a jar of formaldehyde or pin it to a board after it died.
>Pet owners saw everything as their ‘widdle babies’ and treated every creature about the same as a person.
>You had always seen yourself as somewhere in between.
>Fluttershy definitely fell into the latter group.
> You two had ethical debates that lasted days.
>Her big hangup was your practice of breeding one species for the purposes of feeding another.
> She didn’t get how it was no different than her buying frozen fish to feed her various carnivorous pets.
>You guess since she was removed from the process of killing the fish she didn’t think it comparable to raising livestock.
> She also wasn’t a big fan of everything being in a cage. You had to explain to her multiple times that most of your bugs needed particular microenvironments with specific temperatures and humidity levels, making free ranging your critters impossible.
>Also, you wanted to keep a relatively clean home.
>Regardless, she had been your best friend in this new world and you wouldn’t have her any other way.
> She was also probably the most adorable creature you had ever laid eyes on.
>You would also be lying if you said you didn’t find her physically attractive.
> While you loved that little horse to pieces, you just found her crushing timidity and shyness to be a major turn off.
>Plus, she had never shown any form of romantic interest in you, and you valued your friendship with her greater than the wiles of your dick.
> You return from your trip down memory lane as you exit your bedroom wearing much more appropriate attire for an outing.
> Your house guests are sitting on your couch. AJ’s eyes frantically dart around the room at the various enclosures.
> “Don’t worry Applejack, all of Anon’s bug friends are secured in their homes, and any dangerous ones have locks on the containers.”
>well, almost all
> Next to Fluttershy on the couch sits Ungoliant, your beloved pet Tarantula.
>She’s still pretty young with only a three foot legspan.
>You had found her as a baby on one of your Badlands excursions.
> As you had raised her you had realized just how intelligent some Equestrian animals could be.
> She acted more like a dog than a spider, responding to commands and showing genuine affection for you.
>You began letting her out of her tank when she was about dinner plate sized, and now she roams freely about your house and even accompanies you around town sometimes.
> She’s even litter box trained!
>She seemed to like Fluttershy almost as much as you, sticking by her side whenever she visited
> Fluttershy’s reassurance seemed to do little to assuage AJ’s unease.
> “Ah believe you Fluttershy, but that still don’t mean I like it. The sooner we can get back to my farm, the better.”
“My my, AJ, I had no idea I was such a poor host. I do apologize. ”
>Applejack and Fluttershy jump at the sound of your voice, obviously taken by surprise.
> “Oh no!” AJ quickly responds, “Ah didn’t mean it like that, you’re a great host. Ahm just….in a bad mood is all.”
“Relax, I’m just messin with you. Besides, I’m ready to go if you are.”
>”Good, the sooner we can get rid of them vermin the better.”
> “Bye, bye Ungie.” FLutterhsy says to your giant spider as she pets her carapace. “See you next time.”
“Ungoliant can come with us, if you want, Flutters.”
>”You mean it? Of course! I would never miss a chance to spend time with my favorite spider.”
>Across the room you think you hear a collective sigh coming from the rest of your spider collection.
> Applejack and Fluttershy rise from your couch, the latter cradling Ungoliant in her hoovers, and walk to your door.
> You follow behind them, pausing momentarily to pick up your field pack.
> The beige backpack contains equestrian field guides, a myriad of containers of varying sizes, tweezers, a magnifying glass, a net, and anything else you feel like you would need while field collecting.
> The four of you exit your home and begin the walk to Sweet Apple Acres.
> You arrive at the farm after an uneventful twenty minutes.
> Applejack shows you towards the affected orchard and, sure enough, the trees are all coated in webs.
“Fascinating. I’ve never seen this many Novus everfrensis in one place.”
>”This many nova what-now?”
“Novus everfrensis; I’ve been trying to assign binomial nomenclature to the animals of Equestria. It’s the naming system human scientists use to describe organisms. It’s much easier than colloquial names.”
>”If you say so, Ah still think star spider is easier to remember than whatever you said.”
“Suit yourself. Now, let’s get a look at these guys.”
>You walk up to a tree and inspect the webs.
“Hmmm, interesting. These are very atypical webs. Star spiders usually construct symmetrical, orb shaped webs out of very strong silk. This silk is flimsy and seems to follow no discernable pattern, like it was made in a rush.
>”What do you think would make them do this?”
“Well, Star spiders exhibit an interesting set of behaviors. Around Ponyville, you can find the odd star spider here and there, but they’re always solitary. In the Everfree, there’s a massive nest of them that all work together, almost like ants. “
“I have a hunch that these may have come from that hive. I remember reading about similar situations back on Earth. Large quantities of spiders would amass in one place, but that was only after their homes were destroyed by flood, earthquake, or the like. I wonder if something happened to the nest.”
>”Oh my, those poor spiders. I hope nothing too bad happened to their home.”
>”Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but how do we make them go back to the Everfree? Ahm way behind buckin schedule as it is.”
“Any creature would rather return to their nest and repair it than make a new one. I bet if we can find out what happened to their hive and somehow fix it, they would go back as quickly as they left.”
>”But-but that mean we would have to go into the Everfree Forest!”
“Seriously, Flutters, you live about five feet from it, and I go there all the time to collect. Besides, I’ve seen the nest a few times; it isn’t too deep inside, and we can probably get there in less than an hour of hiking.”
>”O-okay. As long as you’ll be there to keep us safe, Anon.”
>She gave you a smile and nuzzled against your side.
> You would be experiencing cuteness overload if you weren’t already used to it.
> However, your dick certainly wasn’t used to these ponies’ more physical means of showing affection.
>Down, boy
>We got a job to do
 “So AJ, you down for a stroll in the Everfree?”
>”If it’ll get these spider off my farm. Ah can’t say I’m excited about it, though.”
“Well then, if you can go grab some water, we can leave immediately.”
>AJ went into her house and soon returned with three canteens of water and three apples (in case anyone got hungry).
> The four of you entered the forest through its border with the apple orchard.
>You led the way, followed by Fluttershy with Ungoliant perched atop her back, and Applejack covering the rear.
>You walked about 15 minutes, carrying on idle conversation along the way.
> As you get deeper into the forest you seem to notice a distinct lack of wildlife.
>The forest is usually teeming with critters, but you see nothing besides vegetation.
> There’s a dead silence apart from you and your companions.
“All right. We should be getting close.”
>Sure enough, as you walk, you begin seeing scattered spider webs in the trees and underbrush.
>All of which seem to lack spiders.
> The farther you walk, the thicker the webs become.
>Up ahead, you begin to make out a gigantic mass of webs.
“There she is.”
>”Oh my, it’s a lot bigger than I imagined.”
>”Ah got a bad feeling about this.”
> Way to jinx us, Applehorse.
“Well, it still seems to be intact. What could’ve made them leave then?”
>You all walk up to the side of the structure. It was roughly thirty feet high, twenty feet wide with a mostly conical shape. It appeared to be constructed around a gargantuan dead tree.
>You begin to walk around to the other side, revealing a large opening, tall enough for even you to walk through.
>You and Flutteshy stop in front of the opening to peer inside the seemingly empty room, but Applejack continues to enter the nest.
>Your eyes widen as you process what you see inside.
>As quickly as you can you instinctively reach out and grab AJ by her mane, stopping her in her tracks.
>”What the Hay? What’s the big idea, Anon?”
“Applejack. Look down where you were about to step.”
>”What, it’s just more spider web. There’s spider web everywhere.”
“No, AJ, that isn’t just any spider web. Look at it, notice how much thicker it is than everything else. Notice how these thick strands all seem to radiate out from the middle of the room. Notice how all the other webs are full of leaves and dirt, but these are clean, fresh.”
“Those aren’t star spider webs. Those are the classic tripwires of a Trap Door spider.”
>You direct your companions’ view to the four foot wide disc in the center of the room from which all the tripwires emanated. The disc was barely visible in its camouflage, but a careful eye could discern its outline from the forest floor.
“It seems the star spider nest has a new resident. Whatever it is must’ve forced the star spiders out. “
>Fluttershy raises a hoof to her mouth
>”Oh, my, what are we going to do Anon?”
>You knew how dangerous the situation was. Whatever this was, it had forced an entire colony of thousands of spiders to leave their home. However, your natural curiosity would never let you abandon an opportunity like this.
“You two are going to back up about fifteen feet. I’m going to see if I can persuade our new friend to show its pretty face.”
>”And just how do you plan to do that?” asks AJ.
“It’s pretty simple, and I’ve done it plenty of times before, albeit on much smaller scales. I’ll use a stick to send vibrations down the web, making the spider think it has a meal and come out. That’s why you two need to back up.”
>”But Anon, what about you? That sounds dangerous.”
“I’ll be fine. I have pretty quick reflexes. Now, both of you back up, this suspense is killing me.”
>Fluttershy gives you a worried look but follows your order.
>Once your friends are a safe distance away, you grab a sizable stick from nearby and begin to poke at a strand of web.
>You think to yourself.
“Come out and play, little spider.”
>After about three minutes of continual poking and prodding you begin to give up hope.
“Hmm, maybe there’s no one home”
>WHAM
>Almost as soon as your words left your lips, you’re blind sighted by a massive force from behind.”
>You faceplant onto the forest floor and you feel an immense weight pressing against your back.
>You feel the grip of multiple appendages at your side.
>You can feel hot breath and a drip of liquid against your bare neck.
>Before you can even process the initial shock, you’re met with a new surprise as the creature pinning you to the ground begins to speak to you in a sultry feminine voice.
 >“My, my, now this is a surprise. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a creature try and lure me out on purpose. As a matter of fact I can’t say I’ve ever seen any creature like you before. I must ask, did you really think my lair would only have one entrance? A word of advice, always give each of a girls’ holes equal attention.”
>”ANON” you hear both of your friends shout in unison.
>You hear the creature on your back let out an ear piercing screech.
>you still can’t see what is happening due to your position, but you hear the clopping of hooves rapidly approaching you and a loud thud that you can only guess was Applejack’s back hooves connecting with the creature on your back.
>That must’ve been it because she let out a shriek of pain and tumbled off your back.
>You quickly roll over and finally get a look at your assailant
>Before you is what you can only describe as a spider pony.
>The bottom half of the creature appears to be a spider’s abdomen; a large oval shape covered in a glossy dark maroon exoskeleton and tipped with long spinnerets.
>The creature’s midsection resembles a spider’s thorax near the abdomen, but gradually becomes more like a pony’s torso near the head.
>The thorax contains six spider legs, but the eighth pair of appendages closest to its head appear to be pony’s hooves.
>Then there’s the head.
>It’s clearly equine, just like all the other ponies you have encountered. It’s also clearly that of a mare.
>However, she also possesses some clearly arachnid features
> Next to her large bright green Pony eyes are two pairs of smaller arachnid eyes.
>Her dark green mane is very long and curly. It looks to be incredibly messy with leaves, sticks, and webbing tangled into it. It lies down across her neck and torso, with long bangs slightly obscuring her face.
>The most striking feature, though, were two massive, chelicerae tipped with dripping fangs protruding from her mouth.
>You are left in awe of the creature that stands before you; both its terror and its beauty.
> She’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Your brain begins racing as you think of all the possibilities. How does a creature like this evolve? Are there more? Do they have a society? Why have you never heard of this before?
>The best part, you realize, is you can just ask her. She’s already clearly demonstrated intelligence and vocal communication.
>Applejack’s voice snaps you back to reality.
> “Back off, monster! If you want a piece of our friend you’ll have to go through us.”
> “That’s fine by me, pony. I was getting pretty hungry anyway.”
> This comment prompts an audible ‘eep’ from Fluttershy.
>You know you need to diffuse this situation fast. You begin to rise to your feet.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone just calm yourselves. No one needs to get hurt here.”
>”Would you look at that, the monkey talks.”  The spiderpony quips.
“Yeah, and so does the spider pony.”
>”Your point, monkey?”
“First off, my name is Anonymous, and I’m a human, not a monkey. Secondly, we can both communicate and therefore reach a diplomatic understanding instead of fighting like animals.”
>”Diplomacy? Ha, how boring. I would rather do something fun, like chase you all through the forest until you collapse from exhaustion. Tell me, Anonymous the human, does running for your life sound enjoyable to you?”
>Before you can formulate a response Applejack interjects.
> “There’s no use trying to reason with monsters. We need to get out of here. Now.”
> “At least your friend has some sense, monkey boy.”
“I completely agree, Applejack. Monsters cannot be reasoned with. Luckily none of us here are monsters.”
>”Are you blind? She’s clearly a monster.”
“No, AJ, she’s not. If she was, we would already be dead.”
>The spider pony gives you a quizzical look
> “Well then, Anonymous, if I’m not a monster than what am I?”
>You begin to slowly walk towards the spider pony.
>It’s all or nothing
“I think you’re a beautiful creature who’s been lonely so long she’s forgotten how to be civil.”
>At this the spider pony gives you a playful smirk and begins to slowly walk towards you as well.
> “Beautiful. Now that’s a word nopony has called me a in a long, long time. So, you think you’re getting yourself out of this with flattery?”
 “Flattery? No. I’m just being honest.”
>You cast a glance at the local element of honesty. She doesn’t seem as impressed by your use of her virtue as you would’ve hoped.
>She’s actually looking at you like you’ve lost your mind.
> Good thing you can’t lose something you never had.
> You turn back to the spider pony. You’ve both been slowly approaching each other. You’re now mere feet apart.
> “You certainly are an intriguing creature, Anonymous”
“It takes one to know one.  You know my name, now I want to know yours”
> “I’ll humor you, monkey boy. My name is Hyssop Perfume.”
> The two of you are now standing face to face.
“A beautiful name for a beautiful mare. It’s a pleasure to meet you Hyssop Perfume.”
>”Again with the flattery. There’s no need to lie, Anonymous.”
“What makes you so certain I’m lying?”
>”Look at me. In case you didn’t notice I’m a spider from the waist down.”
“I noticed. What makes you so sure I would have a problem with that? In case you didn’t notice, I brought a spider with me.”
>You gesture towards Ungoliant and Fluttershy, that latter of which has been cowering behind Applejack for the entirety of this exchange while cradling the former.
> “You’re just full of surprises, Anonymous.”
“I try.”