My Life Story

This is a story about the last few years of my life. I am currently a junior in college and 20 years old. People always tell me I am so smart and that I can make so much of myself. I am no longer motivated to do that for many reasons that will be discussed later in this. I would appreciate that if this is shared that it is shared only by what I have said and not changed or altered as this is my last wish. I was a straight A student up until 6th grade when there was a lot of tension in my family for various reasons I blame no one but myself for making this decision and it is no one’s fault that I am doing this today. I would like that this is spread around so that people understand what they may see as little things can effect someone in the long run more than they could imagine. This is not an admission of guilt or anything. This is just me explaining my life as I see fit to justify my unjustifiable actions.

 The story begins during my tenth grade year of high-school. I was normal, I guess just like every other tenth grader. I had my small group of friends because we were all kind of nerdy I guess. We liked to play games and things like that. I am not going to mention names because there is no need. In tenth grade I was told I was annoying by my group of friends and most of them abandoned me. Except for maybe one. I mean this one friend in particular was very meaningful to me and was a huge part of my life for some time after that. He did not care if I was annoying and that everyone else did not like me. He stayed by my side even when I had nobody else. During this year, I had a very hard time accepting the fact that my friends that I have known for years just did not want anything to do with me because I was annoying to them in their eyes. I stayed calm throughout the year with the help of many great people at the school. I want to thank everyone that year for helping me when I felt that no one was going to except for a few. Those few did help me through everything that year. There is not much good that I can think of from my tenth grade year other than those few who helped me. I made bad grades and basically failed all of my classes. The teachers passed me for whatever reason I am not sure. It definitely made the year a little easier on me even though I almost failed all my classes. The year after that I went to another school which leads to my eleventh grade year.

My eleventh grade year. I start at a new school. I was in the Pre-Engineering program. I decided Pre-Engineering was the best thing for me to do because I loved science and math. I was good at them and I am not usually good at much. I enjoyed the Pre-Engineering program. It was everything that I could have ever wanted. Robots. Math. And problem solving. Things that I enjoyed and thought that I was good at. It was great and even my friends who left me tenth grade year were in the same program. And we still weren’t the best of friends but at least they tried to talk to me a little. That was great for me. It made me so happy to talk to them even though they made me feel so worthless the previous year. I felt wanted to some extent. This year went a lot better than my tenth grade year but I was still lacking the motivation to do very well. You would think that I knowing my future depended on my grades and everything that I would have tried a little harder but many events in my life had made me weak. They still do. And I cannot handle it anymore. My eleventh grade year I made subpar grades. Basically C’s across the board. I mean I was in honors classes and AP classes but I was very lazy because of my lack of motivation. I ended up leaving the school because it was too much work for me to deal with. And back at my normal high-school I could get early graduation and things like that.

My twelfth grade year was the single year to change my entire life. At this point switching schools was fine. I went back and I took basic classes to make senior year easy for me since I have always been in honors and AP basic classes were very simple for me. There was not a lot of work or anything like that. During this year my grandfather died on September 17, 2010. This would be the fall of my senior year. More will be discussed about him later. This year started out pretty normal I had classes but I was very lonely at this point. My grandfather dying did not help me and I had a hard time coping with the deaths of the two people very close to me. My mother and my grandfather. After September, I needed somebody so I did not feel so alone. I would say that I met her around October but really did not get to know her until at least November. She will no longer speak to me and we have been together 3 years to this date. More will be explain about this later as well.

My senior year was definitely not the usual one after meeting her. I fell in love with her. I didn’t have a relationship since 7th grade so 12th grade was definitely a different year to the previous one. During 12th grade year I would do anything to see her. I ended up losing most of my friends because I would not talk to them. I only talked to her. I was head over heels for her and willing to do anything for her. Love is a very powerful thing and can be dangerous so never use it as a joke to anybody. I would walk to her house because I did not have a license. I walked over 5 miles to her house and 5 miles back every night I went to see her. One night I even walked over 30 miles to see her (this including the trip there and back). I was happy. I was not alone and I had someone that cared for me. It was great and I was so happy. But there was a problem. You can all judge me for as long as you like for this but I still to this day thing nothing was wrong with it other than the fact it was against the law but I was not with her for any reason other than loving her. She was born June 6, 1996. This not being her actual birthday to protect her identity. Which would make her basically 3 years and 2 months younger than me. Since I was 17 at the time she was basically about to turn 15 when I was about to turn 18. Her parents did not like the fact that I was that old. Regardless if it was because I loved her and cared for her and she loved me and cared for me. They did not want me to be there at all. They wanted me away from her. They did not understand how I felt for her and I never will have the chance to explain this to them so I wished that one day I was able to show them how I truthfully felt. She will not say a word to me because of my problems. All I want is to hear one thing from her. I do understand why they did what they did though. They wanted to protect her. I understood that. They ended up calling the police on me. I was charged with Lewd Contact on a Minor. I was crushed as this was after I turned 18 in the spring of twelfth grade. Exactly 15 days after my birthday actually. So, I get arrested and put in jail. I get bailed out later that day with a 10,000 dollar bail. (Lowest for the charge). I was not sure what I was going to do. I was not upset for the fact that I went to jail or the fact that her parents did it. I knew it was always a possibility but I loved her to the extent no one could understand. I ended up still talking to her afterwards and she still spoke to me. We were still in love and we made it thru something that you would never expect to go thru in a life time. We were willing to stop at nothing to be together. Even though we knew it wasn’t the best of choices. We were happy with the fact that we were together.

I end up going into PTI (Pre-Trial Intervention). This is basically a program to which you get a second chance. You do some community service and go to consoling and pay a good amount of money and they will expunge the charge from your record. This was great. Because what followed with my charge was Sex Offender Registry for the rest of my life and up to 15 years in prison with at minimum 2. This was great for us. We were happy that it didn’t end up being the worst of everything. This was something we could great through together. Everything we could beat anything together. Or so I thought. We continue talking and this goes on forever. We make it to my graduation. There is another specific person. If they read this. They will know who they are that I have always felt I owed a favor to. I still do. They helped me graduate. They gave me the ray of hope when things were tough after being through jail and we didn’t start immediately talking. It took a few weeks to get the methods that we would talk down. At first we passed notes in the hallway. We would walk by each other and pass notes. When we received the notes we would then read them and then tear them up and flush them down a toilet so that it may help ensure the possibility that they would never be found. We decided that Skype would be the easiest and safest way to talk as it is VoIP and we figured they were just watching incoming and outgoing texts / calls. Not for VoIP. It ended up working. Our schedules of our days were simple. We would call on Skype and stay on Skype all day long. If we had school we would obviously hang up. But when we got home. We would call instantly and talk all day. We would sleep on the phone. We would even wake up together on the phone. My life has been like that for over 3 years. It was a normal thing. I knew no one else would understand but it was fine because we were happy.

We talked about everything. The things that we would be able to do when we were finally together. Favorite things. Even silly things. We would make each other laugh and smile all the time. Everything was perfect. We were going to make it through all the problems, together. No matter what is what we always told each other. I believed her when she told me this. There is not one thing we didn’t talk about. We knew so much about each other. I thought we were perfect for each other. Days go by and we make it to the next year and the next year. I mean of course we got in arguments but those are normal in any relationship. At least I thought so. We would always make up and do our best to forget about the argument. Sometimes they would come back up though and this became a problem most after my freshman year of college this became a reocurring problem that we were doing our best to get rid of. Always little arguments nothing too serious. Fast forward to around now. It ends up that we separate. I cannot handle this at all. I have always told her that I could never be prepared for this day.

We separate because of me. I take full blame and that is why I wish she would say a word to me because I dedicated my life to her and if she don’t want me that I have nothing. The night that we separated was definitely interesting and I do not like who I am at all because of it. I hate myself for I threw away the person I loved because of my poor judgment. I will explain everything that happened in complete honesty. I have no reason to lie. She usually would get off work around 9:30 PM and message me telling me that she was on her way home. Well 10:00 PM came around and I received no message from her and I was upset and worried so I decided to drive down to her work. She was in the car with her friend. Since I am quick to assume things. I figured that she was talking about me behind my back. I do not know what. That is my first thought. So I drive away upset. I do not drive to far away because we are in a parking lot. She is in the car with her friend and her car is next to her friend’s car. I drive back after I have calmed down a bit and I am still upset so I am still being an idiot and ruining everything. She gets out her friend’s car and gets into mine to try and calm me down. I am ignorant to the fact that she is trying to calm me down because she does not want me upset and she was being honest to me the entire time. Yet, I called her a liar. I was yelling at her and calling her a liar because I was so upset. I overreacted. I know I did but I wish that wasn’t the end of what we had. I yelled at her to get out. Which was the worst decision I have ever made in my entire life. At that point she then got out and got back in the car with her friend. Her friend was protecting her. I know that. She wanted what was best for her friend. I drove away again back to the spot I was sitting to try and calm down. Once I do calm down I finally realize the major mistake I just made but at this point it was too late. She was already against me and scared of me. I would never hit her. I never did. She knew that I wouldn’t but she was still scared of me. I couldn’t understand why. I try to drive back over there after calming down to beg her to forgive me and all I wanted to do was apologize for my poor judgment and impulsive reaction. She didn’t deserve what I just did but I wanted to be able to apologize for her. Before I make it all the way back to her. She exits her friend’s car and then gets in her car. They drive away. Her friend following her. I am hysterically crying and freaking out at this point because I do not want to lose her. I never did and it seemed like she did not want to do anything with me after that point when she drove away. I quickly calmed down and tried to catch up to them. On the highway I catch up to them and I get in the lane parallel to her. I roll down my window and turn on the lights in the car so that she could see me. She would not look at me or look away but I guess it was because she was driving. The entire time she was on the phone with her friend. I have my window down crying out to her begging her to forgive me until we make it to the exit off the highway onto a smaller road that she lived off of. I follow the two of them off the exit and I am still freaking out and I do not want to lose her for my dumb mistake. I pass by them quickly and stop in front of them so that they have to stop basically. I get out my car and beg to her on my knees to forgive me. I never felt more terrible in my entire life than when she wouldn’t even look at me. I was begging her to talk to me and all she would tell me was to “Go home”. Her friend then got out the car and walked over to me and was just telling me to go away and leave the entire time. While I’m sitting there begging her for forgiveness and begging her to talk to me. Soon after since many people live on that road another car comes by. Her friend walks up to the window and I do not know what she said to them but she basically came back and told me that if I do not get out the way and leave that the police will get involved. I did not want that so I left. I was trying to ask her (not her friend) if she would talk to me that night. She just said “Go home” still. At this point I was losing all hope. I did not know what to do. I drove home and hoped that she would talk to me again. I did not know what to do. I still do not know what to do and that is why I am typing this out.

My mother died when I was almost 12 years old. She passed away February 7, 2005 and I never go a day without thinking of her. She was always there to help me with everything. My homework and all my stupid problems that I had when I was younger. I miss her very much and would do anything to have her back.

My grandfather died when I was 17 years old. He passed away September 17, 2010 and he was a major influence on my life. He was also my mom’s side of the family. So that connection made me put more emotions into him that I couldn’t put to my mom because she wasn’t there.

I am not saying that this is the best decision to make and it will never make sense to any of you. This is just my best attempt at making things make sense for everyone. What I have went through up to this point with her and it is just too much for me to handle without her. I decided early on that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life because she was able to put up with me and she cared for me. I wish that she would talk to me before I make the final decision. I’ll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision or the only decision. I know there is always other options but I do not want option A or option B. I wanted things to get better between us. I wanted to be with her. I do not know why she will not speak to me. It crushes me. The weight is unbearable and the pain is incomparable to anything I have felt in my entire life. I did consider not writing anything at all but that would make it a lot harder for people to understand why I did it because my life has been such a secret for so long. I see no future without her. I know this is going to hurt a lot of people. People that care about me and many of you see it as selfish. I do not judge you. Please do not judge me. I have hurt many people in my life already and I do not plan to hurt any others. She was the last person I would hurt and I will end what I am. I see myself as a monster because all I do is cause pain. It was wrong of me to develop any type of relationship with a person including friendships and acquaintances because of my problems. I know I have problems this letter obviously explain plenty. I suffer from extreme depression problems and she was what helped me through them always. When I need her to the most she is nowhere to be found. I do not blame her though. I ultimately caused all of this and her hatred for me. I just wish that she understood that I was always honest about the way I felt. I never meant to do anything or say specific things to upset her. I tried to be honest to her with what I thought was true. It takes a lot out of you when you learn that no one cares. I mean they do but only to an extent. I tried reaching out to people and begging them to talk to me with no avail. I spent hours on different forums trying to find someone to talk to. That would help me. They would all add me and then I would never hear another word from them again.

The main problem that I thought that we had was that she would talk to people about the problems and arguments we were having in our relationship. My belief is that you should always try and work things out together rather than involving a third party because they do not understand the grand scheme of things. They only see a limited view and are generally against you because they only hear the bad things. They do not consider the good. It is a sad that things cannot be worked out together and someone else had to always be involved. I have no interest in ever being with someone else and I know that I could never live to see the day that she was with someone else. It would be far too unbearable and I would not know how I would react. I mentioned before that it may seem selfish for me to make this decision. I see no other option. I think that it is somewhat selfish to want someone to try and put up with unbearable pain. I never said I was strong. I’ve gone through a lot and it’s always been far too much to handle to begin with. But I did my best. People say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I see a permanent problem and that is probably why I decided this rather than trying.

My dreams were always to help people and to have someone that loves me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t even help myself. This is the end. You have no interest in being with me at all. I wish you would have considered this possibility. I really did. But it doesn’t seem to matter. I beg you to talk to me. I beg you to forgive me. I would have changed for you if you let me. I’m not the worst or the best. I know. I can’t take it anymore. I’ll hate myself every day for losing you. I can’t make it. I’ve tried reaching out to you. Anyway I could to get your attention you shut it down. Goodbye everyone. I’m sorry.