The Road to Nowhere

Establishing shot of Bizarre exterior

Fade to: Bizarre interior. WICK and TRAVIS are standing behind the counter, mid conversation.

WICK
"- and that was the second time I walked outta here with a pocket full of lasagna. Now the third time is where things get really -"
WICK is cut off by an inexplicable noise from behind some merchandise.WICK seems as confused as TRAVIS.

TRAVIS
"Is that a normal ominous noise?"

WICK
"For once, no. Let's go check it out buddy!"

WICK and TRAVIS head in the direction of the noise.

WICK and TRAVIS begin down a corridor of merchandise, but stop in surprise partway down the hall. A pulsating portal blocks their path, and the shot pans down to a strange object in front of it. WICK and TRAVIS are awestruck, not sure what to make of it.

TRAVIS
"Wick ..."

WICK
"This one might be out of my league."

TRAVIS
"This isn't another lasagna incident, is it?"

WICK
"I gotta admit, this is a little like the fourth time; but I've never seen a portal like this one before."

TRAVIS
(Bending down to pick up the object) "and what the heck is this?"

WICK
"Don't touch it, it could be contaminated!"

TRAVIS
"It doesn't feel very dangerous. I've sort of become mentally prepared for stuff like this by now. I'm more surprised that you're surprised."

As TRAVIS is saying this, BLAKE and DRAKE creep up behind.

DRAKE
"Hey guys."

BLAKE
"Cool portal."

DRAKE
"What's that."

WICK
"Hey come to think of it, this thing might just be some merch from a show we've never seen that fell off a shelf. It might not be from the portal at all."

BLAKE
"No -"

TRAVIS
"How could you possibly know?"

DRAKE
"Don't interrupt."

BLAKE
"I hate being interrupted."

DRAKE
"Yeah let him finish his - "

BLAKE
" - sentences. It's common courtesy."

DRAKE
"If that were from anything, we'd know."

BLAKE
"We'd KNOW."

JOSH enters the hallway behind BLAKE and DRAKE

JOSH
"Alright, what do you slackers think you're doing back here? (JOSH notices the portal) And which one of you did that?"

TRAVIS
"OK, it's getting a little too crowded back here"

RANDY appears

RANDY
"You guys summoning a demon? That's cool. Could have invited me."

WICK
"WE didn't do anything. It just happened by itself, honest."

JOSH
"I trust you about as far as I can throw you Wick."

WICK
"Fine, look." (WICK produces a small card.) "I'm using my 'Honest Wick' card. It's good for one earnest belief of my bullshit."

JOSH
"Well you wouldn't be showing me this unless you needed to. Alright then, here's the plan of attack. Wick, Travis and I will try to figure out what that object is while we work. You three stay here, keep the other customers away, and find a way to close the portal. Break!"

TRAVIS, WICK, and JOSH leave towards the front of the store. BLAKE, DRAKE, and RANDY take a moment to think.

RANDY
"OK, I can't be the only one who wants to stick his dick in there."

Cut to: TRAVIS, WICK, and JOSH behind the counter, each lost in thought.

WICK
(surprising everyone) I've got it! It's a cake from a trans-dimensional bakery accidentally sent to our dimension. Kind of like they mailed it to the wrong address!

JOSH
"I'll keep the explanations to this reality, thank you."

TRAVIS
"No, maybe he's on to something. Where else would a weird portal go?"

WICK
"I guess it could be from a coffee shop."

TRAVIS
"Another dimension is the takeaway here."

JOSH
"You two are so predictable. Every portal you see you assume it goes to another dimension. It's probably a portal to somewhere else in this dimension."

WICK
"Yeah, but how many supermarkets in this dimension make cake like this?"

JOSH
"Maybe we can find a book here about porals ..."

WICK
"That's the B-team's department."

As WICK says this, BLAKE and DRAKE are seen leaving in a hurry. RANDY comes after them from the corridor, zipping up his pants.
RANDY

"Oh come on, we had to stick SOMETHING through it!"

JOSH
"Hey! You only get to make customers flee in terror once per month Randy, remember our agreement!"

RANDY
"It's the first."

JOSH
"Please tell me you didn't show them your -"

RANDY
"I didn't show THEM."

JOSH
"Nevermind. Am I gonna need to make a no dicks clause? Now what's your progress?"

RANDY
"Organic matter can pass through unscathed, but it doesn't feel nearly as good as you think it will."

TRAVIS
"I didn't expect it to feel good at all."

RANDY
"Don't act like you're some kind of expert."

TRAVIS
"You're right, I'm not some kind of expert. I think that's what we need. Some kind of expert"

RANDY
"I am some kind of expert."

TRAVIS
"On portals?"

RANDY
"Oh, thought we were still talking about dicks."

JOSH
"We don't have time for this. The portal might be dangerous. I have to protect the store. It's all down to me. I know what I have to do."

Cut to WICK in goggles and gloves with a rope tied around his waist. JOSH and TRAVIS are at the far end of the hall.

WICK
"I'm not sure how I got roped into this. Get it guys, roped?" (he jiggles the rope.)

JOSH
"Enough stalling. You've made that joke like three times today. Listen it's your responsibility as a Bizarre employee to explore the unknown and it's my responsibility to make you do it."

WICK
"I know, I know, it's in our contracts. I'm gonna be real here guys this thing is kind of scary. What if I come back inside-out ... or upside down!"

TRAVIS
"But Wick, there could be a trans-dimensional bakery on the other side."

WICK
"Oh man or a pizzaria! Alright guys, I'm going in."

There is a degree of buildup as WICK slowly approaches the portal. There is a bright flash and a shot of TRAVIS and JOSH shielding their eyes. There is another shot of the portal, still flashing brightly. It cuts back to TRAVIS and JOSH lowering their arms as the light begins to fade. When it cuts back to a shot of the portal, it is clear that WICK has walked right through it and is simply standing on the other side.

TRAVIS
"Oh come on!"

JOSH
"You've got to be kidding me!"

WICK
"Guys if you can hear me I seem to have entered an alternate dimension where everyone forgot how to use their INSIDE VOICES!"

JOSH
"Oh forget this. You know what? I'm just going to put up a wet floor sign and get back to work."

Just after he says this, RICHARD enters the corridor.

RICHARD
"I'll say."

JOSH
"Thank goodness you're back from that meeting Mr. (Richard's last name). We've been ..."

RICHARD
"You guys need to chill out. These things used to open all the time back in the day. Before your time."

JOSH
"Wait, so what do we do?"

RICHARD approaches the portal and (does funny thing to close it).

TRAVIS
"Truly, I'm learning new things every day."

JOSH
(holding up the strange object) "But what about this thing? What do we do with it?"

RICHARD
"The same thing I did with the rest of them."

Cut to: RICHARD throwing the object into the dumpster with TRAVIS, WICK, JOSH, and RANDY.

RICHARD
"All in a days work boys. I'm going on break if you need me."

RANDY
"I don't even work here."

RICHARD, JOSH, and RANDY walk away. WICK begins walking away, and TRAVIS stops him.

TRAVIS
"I think I'm starting to see how things work around here, but pretty soon I'm going to need some serious answers."

WICK
"As far as I'm concerned, we already have our answer." (looks inquisitively into the distance.)

Cut to: a kitchen labeled "Trans-Dimensional Bakery", with an alternate dimension (AD) WICK at the counter. AD JOSH enters angrily.

AD JOSH
"Way to go Wick, dimension 330 didn't get their order."

AD WICK
"What? Come on, I haven't done that in years, it was probably the new guy."

AD JOSH
"Yeah well hopefully you sent in to a dimension where I actually have competent coworkers."

AD WICK
"Well whoever got it I'm sure is enjoying their delicious (unintelligible gibberish)."

AD JOSH
"This isn't a laughing matter Wick, you sent it to 313."

AD WICK
"Yeah, so?"

AD JOSH
(dramatically "That one's off limits. It's private property."