xoph3r

Guinea pigs are a great source of nutrition, and the cat could burst into flames at will. Show me a monkey or dolphin that can do that and I'll retract the praise that I personally bestow on my beloved pet.

When I was younger, we had this cat named Feetlejuice who would catch on fire all the time for no reason. He would just be sleeping on my baby sister's head in her hammock at night (her head was soft and warm, so the cats and ferrets slept there a lot until her skull fully developed), and POOF. Up in flames. We'd have to rush over and roll the baby around on the floor or cover it in Borax to put the flames out, which was tough because she wore a lot of hair spray and had a knack for falling into my moms vats of petroleum jelly. The vets threw around fancy medical terms like spontaneous combustion and walking Felineamite syndrome (WFS), but I think it was because he would always eat the Guinea pigs that crawled into our toilets from the sewer which drained into the nearby gunpowder mill. The gunpowder caused a mutation in his fur that caused it to grow in brittle and combustible. When he would lick himself, it would be like he was striking a match with his tongue.

We tried to mate it with our Quaker and the bird ate its legs thinking they were worms or something. I don't remember the exact details. We figured since they were both green they could reproduce, but I guess they didn't love each other enough.

Last weekend my girlfriend and I went out to a romantic dinner at Applebee's to celebrate my birthday and the passing of a hollow brass mantis statue I accidentally swallowed 3 months ago containing my pet Iguana's ashes. My mom drove us, because we like her to read us stories from MSNBC (It's important to keep up with current events) while we make out (she also gives us tips). While her and My mom were lighting the candles and unpacking the fine china, I started getting really dizzy so I crawled under the table to drink some Root Beer and take a quick nap because sometimes the service there can be painfully slow. The waitress came over to take our order and stepped on my finger and bent it back to the point where I heard a really loud cracking sound. Once I stopped crying the paramedics were able to get me into the ambulance to take me to the hospital. I spent the next 3 hours in the ER waiting room, just for the doctor to tell me to take an Aspirin. It was pretty horrible and insulting.

When I was a kid my family had to cover our floor in salt, or we'd wake up every morning and our entire floor would be covered in slugs. Not just a few, it looked like we had a slimy black carpet. It was like something from a horror movie. I hated it at first, but I started to recognize them as the blessing they really are. You can squeeze them into your eye as a cure for dry eyes, or rub a few on a cut or scrape to help it heal faster (their secretions contain a chemical or enzyme or something, Idk. It tastes weird, but it works!). If you have a kid (or elderly person) with diaper rash, you can put a few slugs in their diaper next time you change them and they'll cure it right up. Anyways, we all thought that the slugs were getting into our house through the faucet in the bathtub, but it turns out my demented grandma was stealing them from my neighbors slug hive. So in 1997 there was a slug shortage in North Houston caused by my grandma.

When my grandpa passed, I inherited his collection of vintage penis beads. They're like anal beads, but you insert them into your penis. They don't just feel great when I'm out and about, but they add additional utility value to your genitals. Each bead is marked with the amount of liquid it can displace so you can use your penis as a measuring cup. I'm up to 3/4 cup at the moment and my family really enjoys when I'm around to help them in the kitchen.

I would want to be a tapeworm. When I was younger my parents adopted this kid that was attached to the side of our dog one day. He didn't speak any English so we called him tapeworm because he would always try to crawl inside of us while we were sleeping, and his skin was always really slimy. We had to start keeping him locked in a cage in a hole that my dad dug below our living room floor because he went into some sort of menstrual-induced rage when my sister started her period each month and he would foam from the eyes. We drilled a hole in the floor so he could touch people's feet when they walked by and have that human contact, and so we could shove raw ground beef down there (his favorite food). Anyways, his eye fell out and got infected.

That's pretty gross. I once walked in my my mom sitting naked in a bath tub surrounded by her 8 brothers and sisters all forcing themselves to projectile vomit all over her. I turned around and walked out and never brought it up. But I think about it occasionally when one of my brothers throws up on my while I'm asleep.

I've never even considered chewing on the sides of my mouth. I've always chewed with my incisors until it was too late to change my chewing habits. It's really hard to control the food that way and I end up biting off chunks of my lips. It's awkward at family gatherings when I'm bleeding profusely from my face and dropping chunks of mouth and food everywhere. Also my front teeth are all cracked and worn that I have to use caulk to repair them every 3 or 4 days.

Not in a weird way lol. I read that algae has a calming effect on certain types of crabs. I thought it might work on me since I'm a Cancer. I was mad that day because my pet rat ate my mom's little toe while I was on an important phone call.
She can't feel her feets because she eats a lot of sweets. That's what my dad used to say before he ran away with the drive through guy.

I woke up this morning with a weird rash on the back of my knees so I had to schedule a doctors appointment. After sitting there for like 2 hours he tells me it's not a rash but a cluster of rare deep sea crustaceans that have embedded themselves into my skin (from when I was covering myself in algae from under the local pier I guess), and they're laying eggs and the eggs are hatching creating a bigger inhabited area. He tried to scrape them off with a fork (special medical fork) but I stopped him and told him that I wanted to keep them. Somehow they're living off the bacteria and sweat from my legs and eat the plankton that seeps through my pants from my back pocket. It's kind of cool how nature works if you think about it. Even though I've raised them and I try to love them, I can't. I guess I'm not meant to be a father.

Playing in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese. I like to swim around and pretend I'm a shark and bite the legs of kids who get in with me and take their socks when they're crying but the parents try to tell me to leave because I'm too old, but I disagree.

My mom wants me to hang out with my cousin this weekend and I really don't want to. He has this weird condition where his hair grows in excess all over his body for like a month, then it all falls out and then starts to grow back. But his skin is really tough and he gets a lot if ingrown hairs. Last time I had to hang out with him, he had so many ingrown hairs that his hair started to fuse together under his skin causing all of his skin to swell up and turn red. Then it started to fall off all over our house.
I don't dislike him for having this condition, but half of his face was missing last time.

When I was a teenager, my baby sister used to sleep on the floor next to my bed because she would eat the rails of her crib if we put her in there (she was born with a full set of adult teeth). Sometimes she would crawl up in inside my box spring and cry all night. We tried to get her out sometimes with a broom handle or spray bottle filled with lime juice, but it was tiring night after night. So I grew accustomed to masturbating to the sound of a crying baby, now I can't get an erection unless I hear a crying baby. So my gf and I play a looping 8 track of babies when we have sex. It's kind of our thing.

He'd have to wear their skin or paint his face too. He's white. Here in America we've abolished racism in its entirety, but other countries aren't so progressive. They would take notice of a white guy walking around and throw rocks or dead lizards at him.
(Other countries use dead lizards as fruit, since fruit only grows on US soil)

Ghost energy. The womb is a vacuum that sucks up ghosts and inflates the fetus with the converted ghost energy. When the fetus is full, that's when the lady gives birth.

The souls are ignited in the womb like a match striking a matchbox. Sometimes the soul doesn't ignite correctly, which is why we have mutated babies and miscarriages.

I would kidnap a demented elderly person from a nearby old-folks home and leave them near the dead body smeared in a mixture of Gold Bond medicated foot powder and peanut butter. They would call me I scream Samwhich (My second middle name is Sam).

No.
You have a corporation who exist solely because people get sick, and you trust them to inject chemicals into your body... That PREVENT sickness? Yeah right.
I create my own flu shot from a concoction of my pet's vet's Parvo vaccinations, antibiotic hand soap and crushed up Flintstone vitamins. I've yet to get the flu.

Bad blood by Taylor swift is actually about her mothers senile obsession of pulling teeth. She would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with strings connecting her and her sister's mouths with her mom aggressively jerking their heads apart, trying to removed their teeth to decorate her shoe laces. It's especially obvious if you read/listen carefully to the lyrics in the chorus.
I only know this because of that interview she did on VH1, it was really touching.

When I was a kid I played a prank on my foster mother by slamming her leg in the oven door while she was cooking me Breakner (Mid day meal between breakfast and dinner). It backfired because for the rest of that day, I had to cook my own food :/

Fly Away Home and The Terminator. Anna Paquin's character's actions creates a dystopian future where ducks rape and slaughter mankind with their corkscrew penis' and razor sharp beaks and perform experiments on them where they force human women to carry their their eggs, and when the eggs hatch, the baby ducks chew their way out of the women's wombs causing their tops half to become detached leaving the ducks using the women's lower halves as pants.
One savior of mankind captures a duck child, beats him until he sees humankind's point of view and sends him back in time to kill Anna Paquin (In the future she's known as Anna Quackuin).

I asked a lady how old her 3.5-inch floppy disk was back when I worked IT. She had problems with files becoming corrupt. I remember her response.
"I didn't come here to be sassed and ridiculed by some smart-ass teenager, I came here to get help. Go fuck yourself." Then she grabbed her belongings and stormed out of the room.

No I didn't. I guess I was pretty naive at the time (early 20's), and the thought that something malicious could be happening really didn't cross my mind, seeing as how these people were like family. At the time I just thought, "well that's convenient, I wont be dragged into anymore extremely awkward conversations". It wasn't till a few years later while thinking about it one day that I started to find it odd.

I liked to fold an assortment of blankets and pillows into human shapes, close my eyes and wrap the arms around me and pretend I had parents who wanted to hold me, and who loved me. I did that for a long time and eventually extended the family so I could live a happier childhood. I did that until one of them I pretended to be my uncle started touching me inappropriately, whipping my brother with a broken table leg and setting neighborhood garden gnomes on fire.

The owner of the company I used to work for had me look at one of his friend's laptops because it wasn't working correctly. My coworker (the owners son) and I were looking at something on my computer while I started up the friend's laptop. On the desktop there were nude pictures of the owners wife. I would have never said anything because it's none of my business, but my coworker freaked out and grabbed the laptop off my desk. It started this whole series of dramatic events, which eventually seemed to die down.
A week later the friend fell off a ladder and died while working on an A/C at his own house, even though he had been repairing A/Cs professionally for 20+ years.

Shoulder blades are the base for wings (undeniable fact). The increased rate of osteoporosis is proof that our bones are attempting change in density. In 1,000 years we'll be flying through the sky, swooping down to catch monkeys from trees with our teeth for nourishment as nature intended.

I'm not an ice cream scooper, but I have given this subject a lot of thought. You order both because you enjoy the flavor of both. The most logical way to preserve the flavor of both ice creams would be to put the ice cream with the most intense flavor on bottom.

My baby sister had this weird black mark crawling under one of her bloodsies (she has a condition where her skin balloons into red lumps, we call them bloodsies), anyways we started to poke at it with one of my vintage collectors Pogs. The bloodsie popped (which was a mess to get out of the carpet after Ruffie [our pet Capybara] tracked it through the house) from within the left over bloodsie skin emerged a 7 inch long centipede creature. I put it in with my hamster until I could find out what to do with it. Unfortunately it ate my hamsters brains through its eye sockets, but I just let it stay in its cage. Now it happily crawls through the hamster tubes and plays in its water dish. I'll take some pictures when I get home.

My name is Chris and my left leg is brown (stepped in a bathtub full of weasel semen as a kid, which I'm allergic to so it messed up my skin). So pretty close!

It's only gay if you make eye contact. You can blow and bang all the guys (if you're a guy) you want with the lights off because all holes are equal in the darkness. (It says this in the bible)

Instead of eating a healthy bowl of oatmeal in the mornings, crush up a bag of Doritos and mix it with spray cheese.
Instead of that salad for lunch, help yourself to an extra large serving of Doritos and spray cheese. Wash it down with blended Doritos and spray cheese.
For dinner I like to put Doritos in a baking pan, then a layer of spray cheese, then another layer of Doritos, then another layer of spray cheese then bake it for 26.5 minutes.
Carry around pockets wadded up balls of Doritos and Spray cheese. Stuff your pillow full of Doritos and spray cheese in case you get hungry in the middle of the night, so you don't have to burn extra calories by getting out of bed.

Yes. I let one of my friends borrow Mortal Kombat III Ultimate in middle school and he never returned it. So I lost a friend because of that.

I've told a lot of people that I've wanted to do or be a lot of different things In the past, and I have. But I've never told anyone that my main ambition is to write and illustrate children's books.

$1,000 isn't hard to get. If it were that easy to transform $1,000 into $50,000 in 15 days, the world would be a completely different place.

If you couldbe an alcoholic beverage, what would it be?
1 part cottage cheese, 2 parts Olive oil, 2 parts tripe shavings and 6 parts Michelob ultra.

You have the power to revive one dead scientist of your choosing, who would that be?
That one scientist who did the experiments with the dog heads. I feel as though our advancements in dog head technology is severely lacking.

I have an underdeveloped 3rd eye just below my left nipple. My doctors say it's the remnants of my parasitic Siamese twin, but they can't remove it because its optic nerve intertwines with my arteries. Sometimes when I sleep, I dream that I can see from it and it's really scary.

A 12 inch serrated Ethiopian Bowie knife, A 12 oz. can of Mr. Stick It industrial crazy glue and a baby bottle filled with honey bees.

My family doesn't believe in birth control because it's a sin, and we're too progressive to teach abstinence (it just doesn't work). So we spend quite a bit on screw drivers for abortions. On the bright side, we save a ton on our grocery bill with all 8 girls in my family producing edible protein (and milk if one doesn't show for long enough).

One of my favorite things used to be to let people draw all over my legs, arm and back with pens. It feels really good. I would look like an idiot.

I thought I heard a cat stuck in the wall behind my refrigerator. After trying to find out exactly where it was, and how it got back there I began to fear for its life. I ended up punching a hole in the wall to rescue it, but it turned out to be one of the cats I stuck in my freezer earlier that day lol.

Jesus. Can't a guy talk about his life altering, lip flesh disease without some creep trying to hit on him? Next you'll be leaving love notes on my Vespa while I'm getting my weekly prostate exam. Then trying to seduce me by attempting to shove quarters through my supple neck skin (which is very soft, thank you).

If a girl doesn't respond to one of your texts within 36.2 minutes, that means she's sleeping with someone else. That sounds bad, but every 10 minutes after the initial 36.2 minutes is another guy she's blowing.
You'd probably get a quicker response if you went to her house and got in line. Just make sure you get in the correct line though, you wouldn't want to end up sitting through 2 hours of listening to her dad and his bowling buddies' Taylor Swift tribute pubic hair quartet.

I could do something different every day and it would be like a new day to me. The only constrains would really be the amount of time I could travel within that day. If a place was closed by the time I got there, I could just break in without worrying about the consequences.

The phone rings all the time. If no one answers it after 3 rings, I take it off the hook and then hang it back up. If I wanted to answer phones for a living, I would have been a secretary, not a 911 operator.

My mom did Kegel exercises for months so she could try to smash my twin and I together during birth with her amazing vagina muscles, so we'd become one super baby (she didn't want to raise two children). I slipped out too quick and she ended up smashing my twin into a 7ft strand of baby spaghetti that got wrapped around the doctor's legs causing him to trip and drop me. That's why I can only see out of my left eye if I tilt my head to the left.

That's true. I have this disease where my whole body is covered with lip skin. I heal really fast like a super hero, but I have to constantly massage myself with Lip balm so I don't get chapped.

Once I was walking through the woods and saw a snake, but upon closer inspection it was not a snake. It was just a wavy stick.

After trust in a relationship has been broken, it can be tough, and sometimes impossible to reacquire. Some people may tell you to let go, and some people may advise you to start with small gestures to try to slowly regain her trust, but I think in your case it requires something a bit more direct. In normal circumstances, she'll never understand what you have gone through, and the steps you've endured to get your life back on track.
That's why you need to show her. Every night while she's asleep, you can run a small hose under her door and fill her room with sleeping gas. While she's unconscious from the gas you can inject her with small doses of various drugs until she becomes fully addicted. I don't know where you'll go from there, but I do know that drug addicts are more likely to settle down with someone who sends them pics of drunk girls blowing them. That'll increase your odds.

It's a sad day when we as humans lose our childlike sense of whimsy and appetite for sexual encounters with animate household objects.

MY favorite pokemon is Kadabra. I have this deformity where my thumbs look like spoons (my mom did meth when she was pregnant with me), and my mom used to burn me all the time with cigarettes and yell "don't look at me you Kadabra handed bastard". She later choked to death on a ball of eraser shavings. So I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Kadabra. Also on the back of my head because that's where she would burn me.

One time I ate a stack of pancakes at Ihop using just a straw. For years my ex would casually bring that up in conversations. I'm pretty sure that would be at the top of the list.

It's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission. Remember that.

That's just this person's baby scalp. This means their adult scalp is growing in.
Traditionally they're kept under your pillow for the scalp fairy.

Harriet the spy. I was like 8 and my dad leaned over and told me that my mom died in a car accident. He was always such a prankster. She actually got attacked by a pack of wild dogs and bled to death, lol.

Have you at least seen her naked? She could have some sort of strange genital mutation that she thinks will scare you away. That's happened to me 8 times. I go to a bar, pick up a chick, get her back to my place...BAM! Her vagina looks like a penis and testicles.