Jack O'Lantern

1-1: Mitsuko the Chochin-Obake
At the edge of a bog, there is a cabin. In a quiet, dark room Jack is trying to sleep.
???: …Up.
Jack: Huh…zzz
???: Wake up.
J: Zzzz… Noooozzzzz. *Jack rolls away from the annoying voice*
???: I said WAKE UP! *Jack feels his blankets get pulled off of him and shivers from the cold. However, this sensation is quickly replaced by the pain of having one’s boxers set on fire.*
J: AHH! HOT HOT HOT HOT! *Jack jumps out of bed and begins to roll about the floor, desperate to put out the fire. When he is done burning, Jack stands up and glares at the chochin-obake currently glaring at him.* What the hell Mitsuko!
Mitsuko: That’s what happens when you don’t wake up when I tell you, Baka-nii.
J: … So your response to someone not waking up when you tell them is to set them on fire?
M: Yes. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, hurry up and get changed. Ellen-nee is making breakfast.
J: Again? She just doesn’t learn does she… So… Are you going to give me some privacy?
M: Given how you have a tendency to go back to sleep when I leave the room, no. You have lost all rights to privacy, Baka-nii.
J: … Fine, but can you at least not stare at me the whole time?
M: I can look where I please.
J: Yeah, but you’re weirding me out…
M: JUST GET CHANGED!!!!!
J: Alright! Fine! Don’t give yourself a fucking heart attack. Geez. *Jack turns away from Mitsuko to hide his male issued equipment and gets dressed. While he is doing this, Mitsuko manages to sneak a peek. When he’s finished, Jack turns around to see Mitsuko smiling with a deep blush on her face.* What are you smiling at? *Mitsuko immediately frowns*
M: I am not smiling.
J: Whatever weirdo. I’m going to get something to eat. *Jack leaves his bedroom. Mitsuko makes sure there isn’t anyone else in the room and breaks into a huge smile*
M: I got to see it again! Jack-nii’s penis! It looks sooo yummy! Eep! *With an embarrassed look on her face, Mitsuko scans the room again before quickly leaving the room with a frown*

1-2: Ellen the Ghost
Jack enters the kitchen with Mitsuko floating close behind. A ghost is trying to make pancakes while a dullahan sits at the table.
Ellen: Okay. Steady. Steady!
J: Morning.
M: Good morning Elle-nee. Fidelma-nee.
Fidelma: Morning.
E: UWAAH! *Ellen panics and telekinetically launches the pancakes at Fidelma, who calmly catches them with a nearby plate*J-j-j-j-jack! *Ellen rushes at Jack and leaps towards him* GOOD MORNING!!!!! *Instead of hugging and kissing Jack, Ellen passes through him and collides into Mitsuko* Ow!
M: Ow!
E: I’m so sorry Mitsuko! I’m just not quite used to this yet…
M: It’s ok Ellen-nee. You’ll get there eventually.
J: Or you could stop trying to kiss me.
E: B-but I love you!
M: I wouldn’t worry about it Ellen-nee. Baka-nii doesn’t deserve your kindness or your love.
E: M-Mitsuko! Shame on you!
M: Wh-what?
E: I know you’ve never been a little sister before, but I can’t let that slide! A little sister needs to devote herself to her elder brother in all things! She needs to be there to support him when he’s upset and love him when he’s happy! *Jack sighs before heading to the table and sitting next to Fidelma.* And if you do all that, then Jack will, eventually, let you feast on his semen and take your virginity! *Ellen casts a look of pure longing at Jack, who promptly ignores it*
M: O-ok!
E: I know being a little sister seems like a lot of work, but don’t worry. With my help, you’ll be an amazing little sister! However, in exchange…
M: Y-yes?
E: You got to see it right? Jack’s sleeping face?
M: Yes?
E: How was it? Wasn’t it just the cutest thing ever? Did it make you want to just strip him down and kiss him all over?
M: W-well, it was ok. I don’t think it was anything special.
E: N-nothing special?!?! How can that be? Unless… You didn’t see “that” did you?
M: “That”?
E: You know… Jack’s *Ellen whispers the rest into Mitsuko’s ear, who immediately begins to blush* You did! Did you get a real good look at it? How big is it? I’m just asking since I’m curious if it’s gotten any bigger.
F: You seem to be taking this rather well.
J: What do you mean?
F: She was your sister before right? It must be weird having your sister obsessing over your dick now that she’s a ghost.
J: What does being a ghost have anything to do with it?
F: Well, girls get cock crazy when they become ghosts.
J: Really? That’s kind of neat I guess.
F: You don’t sound too surprised.
J: Well Ellen’s always been a little… Yeah… On the plus side, she can’t physically touch me anymore so I can at least sleep in peace now.
F: … I can’t help but feel a little sorry for you…

1-3: Fidelma the Dullahan
After a moment, Fidelma pulls out a notebook and writes something down before putting it away again.
J: You’ve been kind of quiet for a while there Fidelma. What’s up?
F: Oh, that’s odd. Are you feeling sick Jack?
J: Just answer the question.
F: Well, I’m doing ok I guess. I’m just not used to it being so noisy all the time.
J: Yeah, those two can be pretty loud.
F: You’re not all that quiet yourself. No, it’s not any of you. I’m just not used to this whole “family” thing. Before I met you and mom I was always on my own.
J: That sounds kind of rough…
F: Not really. I did get lonely once in a while, but I enjoyed the variety a bit more.
J: Variety?
F: Yeah. I just loved sneaking around and spying on people having sex.
J: Bwah?! Y-y-you what?
F: Ahh, those were the days. It didn’t matter who or what they were, I’d just find a place with a good view, strip down and just start masturbating. Granted, I had to look a lot harder than I do now, but that was part of the fun.
J: I-I see… Wait. What do you mean by that?
F: By what?
J: By “I HAD to look harder”. As in “it’s a lot easier to find now”.
F: Well it is, but now it’s more reliant on luck than anything. By the way Jack, you really need to masturbate more. It might help you calm down.
J:!!!! Wh-what? HOW?!
F: I chiseled a little peephole in the wall.
E: Does that mean you’ve seen it Fidelma? *Jack shrieks when Ellen suddenly appears between him and Fidelma*
F: Of course.
E: Th-then how is it? *Fidelma grabs hold of Jack’s hand and closes it. She then uses her fingers to indicate roughly three inches and places it on the top of Jack’s fist* R-really! Omygosh, it’s gotten bigger! Fidelma, c-could I use your peephole a little bit later?
F: Sure I guess, but couldn’t you just turn invisible or phase through the wall? *Ellen looks at Fidelma for a moment before bursting into tears*
E: Noooo! I could have looked at any time I wanted and I didn’t realize it! I’m the worst little sister ever!!!! WAAAAAAH!
J: Great… That’s just great… And here I thought I was safe because she couldn’t touch me, but now she’s a master spy…
E: Really? *sniff* I guess you’re right Jack! You always know just the right thing to cheer me up!
J: …
F: Oh, hold that thought. I need to write something down. *Fidelma pulls out her notebook again and quickly writes something down*
J: Now what are you up to?
F: Writing down things to fantasize about later. Since I couldn’t guarantee I’d find someone, I started writing down scenarios if I got into the mood and no one was around.
E: Can I see?
M: I would also like to see Fidelma-nee.
J: I’m probably going to regrets this, but I’m kind of curious too.
F: Ok. *Fidelma, blushing slightly, opens her notebook and reveals its contents to her siblings*
M: Number 578- Ellen, after getting cheered up by Jack, rewards him by showing off her fellatio expertise, which she got by practising on cucumbers and carrots.
E: Oh wow! Number 577-Ellen, frustrated with Jack’s callous disregard towards her feelings towards him ties him to his bed and rapes him. Hehehe.
J: Why are there so many about me having sex with Ellen?
F: Incest is hot.
E: I couldn’t agree more!
J: Oh for fucks sake… Mitsuko.
M: Yes Baka-nii? *Jack grabs Fidelma’s notebook*
J: Help me burn this.
F: NOOOOO!

1-4: Lilitu the Devil
While everyone is busy wrestling for Fidelma’s notebook, a tired looking devil floats into the room and sits at the table. She grabs one of the pancakes and starts eating it while lazily watching the ruckus. After finishing her pancake, she realizes that she has had enough watching the continuing chaos.
Lilitu: Hey… Hey! HEY! *The group stops fighting and looks at Lilitu before separating and sitting around the table.
F: Hi mom!
E: How’re you doing today mom?
M: Good day Okaasan. *Mitsuko bows*
J: Hey Lilitu. *Lilitu shoots Jack a withering glare* I-I mean mom…
L: Good, good. So is anyone going to tell me why we’ve somehow decided to host Wrestle mania in the dining room?
E: Oh oh! Jack was trying to use Mitsuko to burn Fidelma’s notebook!
J: … Traitor…
E: Geh!?!
L: I see. And what was in said notebook?
F: My masturbation fantasies.
L: Hmmm Can I see? *Mitsuko hands Lilitu the notebook. Lilitu then proceeds to thumb through it* Oh I like this one! Jack fucks me doggy style over a naked Fidelma who is also using my tail to pleasure herself. Hmmm how yummy~!
J: *Jack shoots Fidelma a glare* For fucks sake…
L: Shut up Jack. And quit trying to use your sister to destroy your other sister’s property. And you. *Lilitu points at Fidelma using her notebook* Let me borrow this once in a while.
F: Oh course mom!
L: So have any of you had breakfast yet?
E: Oh no! I knew I forgot something! Just wait a minute and I’ll get everything set up! *Ellen rushes to get the cutlery and the syrup. After she takes off, Lilitu grabs another pancake and starts to eat it*
M: Okaasan, didn’t you want some syrup or something?
L: It’s ok. Besides, I can’t eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me. The night would be over by the time we managed to calm Jack down and we’d have run out of time to find new members for Ms. Black’s undead kingdom.
J: You’d think a wight would put more effort in building up her own kingdom…
F: Wight’s are nobles Jack. Nobles delegate.
L: Besides, we have a contract. We couldn’t back out if we tried. *Ellen brings a bunch of cutlery and syrup to the table. She makes sure everyone gets a plate of pancakes smothered in syrup and a fork*
E: Sorry about that everyone! I hope you like them! *Everyone begins to eat*
M: It’s as delicious as ever Ellen-nee!
E: O-oh stop it! You’re embarrassing me!
J: I’m just surprised you didn’t manage to coat the room in pancakes.
F: I helped with that.
E: Thanks again for that…
F: No problem. *The room goes silent as everyone focuses on eating, except for Ellen who can’t eat*
E: Sooo… Uh mom?
L: Yes?
E: I was just curious about why you adopted us.
L: Oh?
E: Not that I mind! I love the fact that Jack and I now have a family and everything! I-I was wondering how it came about since I was adopted last…
L: Oh don’t worry about it! Let’s see… It started a few months ago, just after I made the deal with Ms. Black. She let me have Fidelma so I could have some help finding undead in the bog, but it wasn’t going so well. I was getting bored with the job, so I was going around tormenting poor unfortunate souls. It was around that time I found Mitsuko. I managed to convince her to help us out, but she gave me the oddest request I’ve ever heard. She wanted a family, or more specifically, a brother.
J: Now that’s interesting.
M: What is?
J: That you’re such a bitch to me even though you wanted a brother.
M: That’s because I was hoping for a better brother than you, Baka-nii.
J: It’s been bothering me for a while, but what does that even mean?
M: Figure it out.
J: Grrrr *Lilitu smiles with an almost motherly understanding*
L: So anyway, it was such an odd request that it took me a few days to figure out how to grant it. Then I met Jack. We made a deal to get him out of a little bit of trouble, but he tried to get out of his part of the agreement! I chased him up a tree, which he trapped me in thanks to one of those stupid Order crosses! He then forced me to make another deal so that he could get away scot free!
E: Oh no! What did you do?
J: Hey! You’re supposed to take my side in this!
L: Oh that’s easy, I lied. That and I’m pretty sure any deal made during duress is null and void or something.
J: Stop ignoring me!
L: I was wondering what I should do to punish him, but then I had a devilishly good idea. If I adopted him and Mitsuko, not only would I be able to grant her request, I’d also get to mess with Jack all I wanted! It was perfect! Later on, Fidelma asked to join so I figured why not? Then we found you in the bog and that’s how this happy little family came to be.
E: Oh wow!
J: I’m curious about how this is a “happy little family” if the only reason I’m in it is for punishment.
L: Oh, aren’t you happy Jack?
J: … No.
L: … Meh, I tried. Whatever.
E: I’m still curious about one thing.
L: All right. Ask away!
E: You said Jack asked you to help him get out of some trouble. I always hoped he’d come to me for help if he needed anything, but it must have been something really bad if he couldn’t.
M: I was wondering the same thing Ellen-nee.
L: Well… I think he asked me to pay off his bar tab.
E: … What.
L: Yeah, that’s it. He had this huge ass bar tab that he couldn’t afford, so he asked me to help him pay. *Ellen’s eyes become dull, her hair turns black, and her face loses all expression. She rushes at Jack and stops an inch away from his face*
E: Is it true Jack? You didn’t really do that, did you Jack? You didn’t leave your precious little sister alone so you could go drink, did you? You’re not even old enough to drink, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!
L: Oooo This sounds good! Why’d you do it Jack?
M: You better have a good reason Baka-nii.
F: I wonder if it’s scandalous.
E: Well?
J: W-well…. You see. Th-there’s a barmaid that I really l-liked and I k-kept ordering drinks as an excuse t-to t-talk to her. Honest!
F: A barmaid? As in a human woman?
M: Jack? In love with a human woman?
J: Not exactly. Word around town was that she gave the best head and she had the biggest tits I’ve ever seen.
F: Nice.
J: Yeah. I was actually going to go back with the money I tried to weasel out of Lil-… mom to try to convince her into having some fun with me.
E: …
J: Ellen?
L: Oh this is going to be good!
E: So you left me, all alone, so that you could go fuck some WHORE! When you had ME! And then you never came back! I was sooo worried! AND YOU NEVER CAME BACK!!!! I went looking for you. I DIED looking for you!!! All because you wanted to fuck some drunken bitch!
J: Hey hey! I’m sorry Ellen! I didn’t mean to leave you behind! I’m really, really sorry!
E: Really?
J: Yes really!
E: I’m happy to hear that Jack. *sniff* However, to play it safe, I’m going to turn you into a ghost so that you can’t leave me again. Hope you don’t mind.
J: Wait, what? *Jack looks around to see every sharp object in the house floating around him, telekinetically controlled by Ellen* W-wow! Y-you’ve gotten really good at that! S-sis?
E: Thank you Jack. Now please try not to move so much. I want to make this quick… *Ellen starts telekinetically throwing everything at Jack, who does his best to dodge. Fidelma and Mitsuko try to defend Jack, while Lilitu stays in her chair, roaring with laughter. Eventually Lilitu realizes that the sun has almost set, and casts a freeze spell to get everyone to knock it off*
L: Alright that’s enough! It’s time to get to work!
E: Oh… I’m sorry for causing such a ruckus…
L: That’s ok. We all want to kill Jack every once in a while.
J: Hey!
L: Shut up and get moving! *Everyone gets out of the cabin and finds two headless horses tied to a stagecoach. Jack and Fidelma climb into the driver’s seat while Ellen and Lilitu take their place on top of the wagon. Mitsuko turns into a paper lantern and Jack picks her up with a long hooked pole.*
M: H-hey! Watch where you’re putting that!
J: Geez, you make it sound like I shoved it up your ass.
F: That’s not so bad once in a while.
J: Wow Fidelma, what would we ever do without your wonderful color commentary?
F: Walk most likely.
L: Enough! We have a job to do so stop bickering!
E: Mom’s right. Let’s go! *Fidelma uses the reins to whip the horse, who quickly pull the stagecoach towards the bog*