Rarity on Earth: Ch 2

>When you wake up from your extended slumber, you quickly hop off Anonymous’s bed, shuddering at the feeling of filth on your coat. You were already muddy and covered lightly in soot and other unwanted messiness, and now you’ve added months of human sweat and… stuff.
>You immediately begin looking for a washroom, both for a shower and to… relieve yourself.
>You gasp in shock when you find it. While every other part of the house is covered in grime and is messy, the bathroom is flawless!
>You aren’t about to look a gift monkey in the mouth. With that in mind, you go over to inspect the toilet.
>No, that simply will not do.
>You uncomfortably eye the bathtub.
“Rarity, you have truly been brought low…”
>When you were finished with your business, you inspected the knobs on the tub. You played around with them until water started pouring down from the nozzle at the top, spraying down on you. It was cold, but your coat protected you well enough and cold water is better for your mane.
>Anything that’s good for it after the abuse you put it through is okay in your mind. You hum a delightful tune as you take your time in cleaning yourself.
>Anon doesn’t have any high class soaps or shampoos, but you figured that would be the case. Maybe you can whi—complain until he gets some for you.
>Although you really shouldn’t take advantage of his hospitality. He was nice enough to put you up for the night and for presumably as long as you were willing to stay.
>Though you have to wonder… if he’s a criminal, why wouldn’t he just sell you out? Or… or was he doing that already?


>Running crosses your mind, but you know that either way you wouldn’t get far. If Anon sold you out then it would be over. If you ran and got caught, it would be over. Better to risk staying with Anon than risk getting caught by somepony else.
>You sigh as you turn off the water, finally clean. You’ll have to ask him if he has a brush for your mane and your coat, but you look much better than you have since you got to this strange new world.
>You open the cabinet that seems most likely to hold a towel with your magic.
>Empty.
>You continue opening cabinets in search for some way to dry yourself off. Your search finds nothing but a variety of strange human items.
>Eventually you’re forced to admit that he had nothing you could dry yourself off with.
>You are very tempted to sob, but big mares don’t cry. Crying solves nothing, after all.
>Instead, you begin shaking like a dog. It’s messy, inefficient, and if somepony ever saw you doing it you would die of embarrassment, but it gets the job done.
>…It also get water all over Anon’s bathroom. You blush, thinking of the horrendous mess you’ve made.
>You want to clean up after yourself, but you aren’t going to risk using another heating spell after what happened before. You would use a towel, but the lack of them is what put you in the situation in the first place.
>With a sigh, you resolve to leave it alone and make up for it by helping him clean the rest of the house.
>You leave the bathroom and walk into the living room to find Anon snoring loudly from the couch. You want to wake him up… but maybe if you wait the mess in the bathroom will dry up.


>Instead, you walk into the kitchen. You start to clean, but a very loud rumble from your stomach stops you.
>It was then that you remember that aside from those flowers Anon stole, you hadn’t eaten in over a day.
>You eye the refrigerator with a look of trepidation. Anon asked last night if you ate meat. That means that almost all he has is meat… Right?
>You open it with your magic, expecting the worst.
>…
>Why does he have hay bacon? And eggs!
>A smile forms on your face. You can work with this. And you can thank him for his kindness by cooking breakfast for him!
>You pull the ingredients out with magic and manage to find a clean pan hidden away in a cabinet. When you turn to the stove you’re stumped momentarily; you’re not used to having to stand on your hind legs to cook.
>But you are Rarity, element of generosity, and you will repay Anon’s kindness with good cooking.
>After eating some yourself, of course.
>You quickly get breakfast started, the smell of… that doesn’t smell like hay bacon.
>You look at the package again and see ‘bacon’ in clear letters. You shrug and shove the package back in, not bothering to read any more.
>The eggs smell okay, at least.
>Soon enough, breakfast is ready. You find a single plate that was clean enough to eat off and pile scrambled eggs and hay bacon onto it.
>You bring it over to the table and take a seat in a chair that’s way too big for you. Smiling, you take your first bite of alien-made hay bacon.
>…
>THIS ISN’T HAY BACON! THIS ISN’T HAY BACON AT ALL!


>You go to spit it out before stopping, actually taking a moment to taste the strange alien food. You slowly chew it, letting the unique flavor seep into your mouth.
>It’s… not hay bacon, but… but it’s good.
>You hop down from your chair and walk over to the fridge again, opening it to read the label.
>When you do, you find that it’s definitely not hay bacon.
>It’s pork.
>Pig.
>You, Rarity, just ate animal flesh.
>…
>And Celestia help you, it tasted wonderful.
>You should be vomiting and crying, begging for the forsaken pig’s forgiveness.
>Instead you find yourself shoving the uncooked bacon back in the fridge and sitting down for more, in a daze.
>Why… why is it so good? Is it some human trick? Or some human secret?
>You don’t even notice when Anon joins you at the table. “Rarity? You alright?”
>You flinch, jerking your head up to look at him.
>Put simply, he looks terrible.
“Am /I/ alright? What happened to /you/?”
>He waved a claw. “I’m not a morning person. I’ll make some breakfast burritos and some coffee and I’ll be good.”
>You don’t know what a burrito is, but you do know he doesn’t need to waste his time when you made him a perfectly good breakfast!
“Anon, I made you breakfast. Why would you need a… whatever a burrito is?”
>He looks down at the plate in front of you.
>A: “Because you ate everything.”
>Your eyes follow his and a blush burns across your face. You /had/ managed to eat everything, enough for two ponies at least.
“I’m… terribly sorry about that. I suppose I didn’t realize how hungry I was!”
>A: “Hungry enough to eat meat, it seems.” He sniffs at the air. “Bacon and eggs. Looks like I won’t be stealing any more flowers for you.”


>He stands up and walks over to the fridge, opening the top part. He pulls out a box and then pulls from the box two wrapped-up things. He tears open the wrappers, puts their brown contents into a toaster, and then replaces the box.
>A: “I don’t cook much. I wouldn’t be surprised if those eggs and that bacon was old.” He shrugs as he fills a dirty pot with water. “But if they tasted fine I guess that’s good enough. You sleep alright?”
>You watch him pour the water into something else, presumably making the ‘coffee’ he told you about.
“Well enough, though I think you need a better mattress. That simply cannot be good for your back.”
>A: “I don’t sleep much.” You see him flinch when the toaster goes off. He walks over and takes the two brown things out, juggling them from the heat. You smile and pick them up with magic.
>A: “No time, with my lifestyle.” He walks to the table and you set the brown things down on the plate that was previously occupied by your eggs.
>A: “But that’s not important. What is important is how you haven’t disappeared yet. That means you’re not a hallucination brought on by sleep deprivation or the drugs. And that means I’m actually sitting in my kitchen talking to a tiny unicorn.”
>There was silence in the room as he picked up one of the brown things and bit into it.
“Is… is that a problem?”
>A: “Oh, no. Well I mean, yes, but also no.” He waved his claw again as he continued eating. “It’s strange, but trust me when I say that I’ve had stranger hallucinations. You’re just the first one that’s real.”


>The pot beeps, making him flinch again. He sighs and walks over to it, grabbing a nearby mug. Without even looking at it, he pours some black fluid into it.
“Anon, are you… okay?”
>He seems very jumpy and twitchy, while also very relaxed and calm. His voice is completely monotonous.
>A: “Yeah, just coming down. The aftereffects will last a little longer. Coffee will help.” He shrugged, sitting again. “Or make it worse.”
“Um… coming down from /what/?”
>A: “Not important. So why can’t you just use your magic to get back?”
>Maybe it’s just a human thing.
“No, I can’t. My special talent requires a fine touch with the telekinetic arts, so that’s what I have the most practice in. I’m not strong enough to teleport an inch, let alone back home. I fear I’ll have to wait for Twilight to come up with a solution.”
>A: “Twilight? Is that one of your little pony friends? Also, what’s a special talent?”
“Yes, Twilight is the one that accidentally sent me here. A special talent is what a pony’s cutie mark represents.”
>You jump down and show him your mark.
>A: “So that’s what that mark on your ass is. I thought it was a tattoo or something.”
“Are… are you calling me a donkey?”
>The bewildered look on his face was amusing. “Ass is a human word for butt.”
“Anon, this is my flank. What is a tattoo?”
>He grabs the le—arm hole of his shirt and pulls it up, showing you a black mark on his skin. “Ink forced into our skin with needles. It settles in, forming what we call tattoos. Mine’s a wolf. What’s yours?”
>How ghastly! These humans were a strange bunch, if this was something common for them.
“As you can see, I have three gems. My special talent is fashion, with an emphasis on gems.”


>A: “Ah, so you’re a jeweler. Shit, that’s about the worst job to have before getting stranded in nowhere.”
“I do dabble in jewelry, yes, but most of what I do is with clothing.”
>A: “Gems on clothing? Lady, you’ve gotta be more high than I’ll be soon.”
“Are you going rock climbing? What’ll I be doing?”
>A: “Figure of speech. Not important. How the hell do you have enough gems to put them on clothes?”
“How? Sure, I have to go out of my way to get them, but they grow in fields near Ponyville.”
>He snickers when you say Ponyville.
“What?”
>A: “Nothing, nothing. Do you think you could get me some of those if you ever get home?”
“I could… try, I suppose. I make no promises, of course. Are they not common here?”
>A: “Hell no. Those things are worth thousands here, if we’re talking about the same things. Shiny, several colors, some are see-through?”
>You nod.
“Rubies, diamonds, sapphires, the works.”
>A: “Well ain’t that something.” He takes a sip of his black fluid. “So you’re stuck here, then. Well, I ain’t got much, but you’re welcome to what I do have. Lord knows I’d welcome the company.”
>Well, that’s good news. Anon is a little strange, but you don’t think he will hurt you. You’ll just have to try harder to not mooch off him.
“Thank you, Anon. I will do what I can to help, though Celestia knows it will probably never be enough for giving me a place to stay.”
>He waves a claw. “Don’t worry about it, girl. Now if this had been winter, you would be thanking me a lot more. You’d catch your death out there.”
>Without time for your winter coat to come in? Yes, that would be chilly.


>A: “So who’s this Celestia you keep mentioning?”
>You feel yourself perking up.
“She’s the princess of Equestria, who raises the sun every morning and sets it every night!”
>You are not amused when he bursts out laughing.
“And just /what/ is so funny?!”
>A: “Man, she’s playing you! She can’t raise the fucking sun, she just says that so you’ll keep her in charge.”
>You are rarely quick to anger, but when somepony insults Princess Celestia they insult all of Equestria. And you are a part of Equestria, so they insult you as well.
“She is /not/ a liar! I’ve seen her do it myself! She and her sister Princess Luna each control one of the heavenly bodies and sometimes they do shows with them.”
>He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure. Well, I can’t say we humans haven’t had rulers like that, so I guess it makes sense that ponies aren’t any different.”
>You humph at him.
“Well who raises /your/ sun?”
>A: “Hey, don’t ask me to explain the science behind it. If I was educated do you think I’d be a poacher and a drug dealer? It pays well, but fuck if it ain’t a hard life.”
“How is pharmacy that hard? I suppose there might be math involved, but it can’t be that bad.”
>He smirks. “I think we’re talking about different things. Don’t you worry about me, though.” He takes a second to look you over. “You want to see something really freaky?”
>This worries you.
“Um… What exactly do you have in mind?”
>A: “Follow me.” He stands and leads you into the bedroom. If Anon hadn’t been nothing but a gentlecolt with a rougher vocabulary, you would be worried.
>You squawk out as he throws a blanket over your head. “Yeah, that’ll do. You’ll look like a big dog covered by a blanket. This’ll freak you out, Rarity.”


>You grumble lightly as you follow him. He slips on some shoes and opens the door, stepping out. You hesitate to follow him.
“Won’t… what if I get seen?”
>A: “That’s what the blanket is for. No one will recognize you as a unicorn. Come on.”
>This seems stupid, but… you follow him. He pulls the door shut behind you and leads you to the truck. He opens the door on your side and you hop up, keeping the blanket over yourself. He closes the door behind you and walks over to the driver’s side, jumping in.
>He starts the truck and begins driving away. “Just keep that horn covered.”
“But what if somepony else sees me?”
>A: “You’ll see why that’s not a problem in a few minutes.”
>You’re forced to take him at his word, and the two of you travel through the mostly empty countryside in silence. You could see the occasional home peeking out of the woods and a small number of other humans about their business.
>Eventually, you feel the vehicle begin to slow down. You look around, trying to see what’s different about this area.
>It’s just a wide open area with a wooden fence and… What in Celestia’s name?
“Anon… what /is/ that?”
>He grins as the truck stops and turns off. “That’s a horse.” He opens his door and walks around to your side and lets you out. You don’t fight him as he lifts you off the seat this time and sets you in the uneven grass.
>Two of the… horses… walk over to the fence and stick their large heads over. Anon walks over and sticks a hand on one of their noses, motioning you forward with the other.
>A: “Rarity, meet Applejack.”
>You burst out laughing. He watches, confused.


“A-a-APPLEJACK?!”
>Your laughing just increases at his confusion. He looks back at the pony that you have to admit bears a resemblance to your friend. Her coat is orange-ish and her mane is an off-white that would fit against Applejack’s.
>A: “What’s so funny?”
>When you finally get control of yourself, you answer.
“Applejack… she’s one of my friends back in Equestria. She’s an apple farmer.”
>A: “Well ain’t that something…”
>One of his hands reaches into a pocket and pulls out a sugar cube for the mare and you burst out laughing again. The look on his face was priceless.

>When the two of you get home, he sits on the couch and picks up a black rectangular thing. “Sit, sit. You’re gonna love this.”
>You take a seat on the least dirty chair in the room as Anon manipulates the rectangle. You jump in shock as light comes on from another large rectangular box.
>A: “This here’s a TV. Humans use them for entertainment and news.” He holds the rectangle up. “This controls it.”
>He throws it at you and you reflexively catch it with magic. “Fool around with it. I need a shower.”
>Yes… he does. He leaves the living room while you study the control device.
>The volume is obvious. So is the power button. You don’t know what all the numbers are for or what channels are.
>You shrug and press the up channel button.
>SUCCESS! Something happens!
>What… what is that human woman doing with that human man?
>Your mouth drops and the remote falls out of your telekinetic grasp in your shock. You paw at the remote, trying to get it to do something, but your hooves can’t push the buttons.
>You’re forced to watch in silence as… as…
>Sweet Celestia, how long is he going to keep going?


>Stallions last less than a minute! Your manic attempts to change the screen lasted at least that, and there was no telling how long they had been going!
>The blush on your face just keeps growing as you watch in captivated silence as the male treats the female like a piece of meat and tenderizes her.
>Why can’t you stop watching this? Why is this even on Anon’s television?
>…Now that the shock has worn off, why haven’t you used magic to pick the controller up?
>Your ears twitch, hearing Anon still in the shower. You gulp and pay more attention to what the male is doing.
>So flexible…
>A: “What the hell… Rarity, why are you watching porn?”
>Your head jerks around in shock. The blush that forms now puts the previous one to shame.
“I… I… THIS CONTROLLER IS BROKEN!”
>He walks over to your chair and that’s when you find out why the shower is still running; he’s half naked and dripping water. Your mouth drops at the assorted scars covering his body.
“Anon… what happened to you?”
>A: “Ah, nothing much.” He bends down to grab the remove and changes the channel to some colorful and bright thing. “There. Tiny unicorns shouldn’t watch porn. I’ll be right back.”
“Why… why are you out here anyway?”
>A: “For some reason all of my shampoo is gone. I came out to grab another bottle. I wouldn’t bother, but I was in those woods for a few days.”
>He leaves before you can apologize for using all his shampoo. You’re very thankful he didn’t question more about why you were watching the… porn, was it?
>You settle in to watch the colorful thing, though you quickly get bored.


>It reminds you of… Well, some of the problems you and your friends face, actually. You don’t need to relive a typical Friday afternoon while on the human world.
>Instead, you fiddle around with the remote some more. Now that you know what’s out there, you won’t be surprised.
>Soon enough, you find something that looks somewhat interested.
>TV: “Now back to, A Serbian Film.”
>…
>Your scream of horror sends Anon running like mad into the living room. He looks at the screen before snatching the remote off the floor and turning the thing off.
>You’re huddled in on yourself, trying to forget what you just saw.
>A: “Welp.” He sits on his couch, half dressed. “No more TV for you.”
“What… what was…”
>A: “I now regret getting satellite TV. It was not real, Rarity. The things on that box are staged, not real. Everyone there is an actor. Some of it is done with makeup and computers. No one was hurt in that movie.”
>That makes no sense!
“Why would anypony find that entertaining, Anon?”
>You admit to sounding somewhat hysterical.
>He shrugs. “Don’t know. Some people don’t have good lives and are happy to have anything to take their mind off how bad they think their life is. They do that by watching stuff like that.”
“How could anypony’s life be that bad? That… that’s horrifying!”
>He shrugs yet again. “I’m a criminal and even I know it could be worse. But enough of that. Now that I know I can’t trust you with a TV, I’ll have to find some other way to keep you entertained.”
>Not trust you? You wouldn’t /want/ to look at that thing again! What is /wrong/ with this world?


>A: “You can’t use a computer… I don’t have many books. Can’t go too far outside. Hm…” He looks around the room before standing up. “Wait here.”
>He walks deeper into his house before coming out with two large U shaped containers. “Come on.”
>You hop off the couch, happy to be away from the evil device with its monstrous images.
>He leads you to a door in the back. You open it for him before he can put either box down. He nods and walks outside. You follow, looking both ways before you step all the way out.
>He sets the cases down and opens one of them, pulling out some weird thing. “This is a bow. I don’t usually use one of these for anything other than target shooting. And hell, it’s been a while since I did that.”
>He reaches into the case and pulls out a long stick with feathers at the end and a pointy tip. “This is an arrow. Watch what I do.”
>He puts the nonpointy end of the arrow into the string of the bow and pulls it back, pointing it at a square with a number of circles on it some twenty yards away.
>You watch as he releases the arrow and it flies straight at the target, sticking into the far upper right of the box.
>He sets the bow down into the case. “Now, the goal is to hit the center of the target, the red dot in the middle of it. It’s been a while since I shot, as I said.”
>He then opens the other box and pulls out a much smaller bow. “This has a much weaker pull on it than the other one. You should be able to use it with no problem.”


>He holds the bow up and you take it, looking it over. You gently pull at the string, trying to find how much give it has.
>A: “This one is… oh, about forty pounds. Mine is over a hundred, I think.” He lifts up an arrow and holds it up. “The odd color feather goes on the outside, like so.”
>He fits the arrow to the bow you are holding with your magic. “Hold it up so you can look down the arrow.”
>You move it closer to your face. He points at three glowing sticks shooting out from the side of the bow. “These are your sights. Put the middle one on the target, gently pull back, and release.”
>You do so. The arrow strikes the target right on the left edge.
“I hit it!”
>He pulls a screwdriver out of the container and fiddles with the sights before pulling out another arrow. “Try it again yourself.”
>You fit the arrow to the string and take a moment to check it against what he told you. You slowly pull it back and aim.
>You release the string, sending the arrow directly into the red circle.
“Yes!”
>You look over at Anon, who was nodding. “Much easier with magic, I guess. Means you don’t have to worry about shaky arms.” He gets a grin on his face. “That just means we need to make it harder.”
>The two of you spend a good several hours with that bow and several arrows. The one time you tried Anon’s bow, you realized you weren’t strong enough to pull it back.
>He occasionally takes potshots with his bow, but he rarely hits center, even though he isn’t trying any of the ‘hard’ targets he’s making for you.
“Anon, why can’t you hit as well as I can?”


>A: “I’m not high. I’d be better if I was. Now, see what you can do to this.”
>He tosses a frisbee into the air and you shoot it before it goes five yards. “Amazing.”
“As strange as this is… it’s a lot of fun, Anon. And it’s stress-relieving. What’s this even for?”
>He shrugs, finding another target. “Killing things.” He tosses another one up.
>It falls to the earth unmolested.
“You’re… you’re teaching me how to /kill/?”
>A: “God no. I’m teaching you how to shoot. You can’t teach anyone how to actually kill. Rarity, don’t you worry about me ever asking you to do something like that. Humans have been shooting targets forever. Most, but not all, people go on to shoot something alive. Some people just like shooting targets. Not everyone likes to kill.”
“Do… do you?”
>A: “That’s enough questions for now. And I think we’ve been shooting long enough. I’m sure you’re hungry again by now.”


“Anon, I consider this very important. Do you enjoy killing things?”
>A: “Yes I do. Not thinking beings, no, just animals. I can’t explain it and I won’t try, but I would never willingly kill another thinking animal. Now, I seriously am hungry and we’ve been doing this for hours.”
>You need to find somepony else to live with…

>As Anon begins to cook some kind of dinner, you find your need granted in a very unexpected manner.
>You both jump up as a metal canister destroys the window in the kitchen, spewing gas.