Letter from June

Hello,

You have a good point in wanting to know whether there is some sort of issue that is causing strife between us. From your perspective, I can understand that it must seem to be springing from essentially nowhere, or else a place of misplaced entitlement on my part. This is clearly the assumption that you've been going with, and whilst I try to do my best to not be that sort of person, and despite the fact that being seen as such is sort of painful, I do understand why you see me the way you do. That is to say, your image of me is of a lazy, rude, disrespectful and ungrateful slob. I hate that this is the way I come across to you. I'm probably not the one to be judging to what extent it might be accurate. What is the case, however, is that I am unlikely to be able to offer any sort of justification in person. The fact of the matter is that I find it very hard to justify myself reasonably when I am in a position of immediate scrutiny from another person. I don't intend it as any sort of criticism, more an inevitability due to the fact that you are my parents, but there is a clear power dynamic in our relationship - that is to say, you are the ones who hold the power through having raised me as a child, and through being responsible for my care and well being while I am living in the same house as you. I am exceptionally grateful for both of these things. Obviously, I owe you an almost incomprehensibly huge debt of gratitude and love simply due to the fact that you are my parents and have given me so much of that yourselves over the years.

What this does mean however is that it can often be somewhat intimidating - and I don't mean that in a bad way - to justify myself in front of you, because when I am standing there it feels as though their weight of that power dynamic (again, it's not a bad thing, I'm not trying to say that it's a bad thing, and am just trying to explain the consequences!) is bearing down on me, and preventing me from actually making any sort of reasonable argument which would be accepted, or not shouted down as criticism. Also, I don't actually communicate that sort of thing particularly well vocally. I've always had trouble making clear arguments out loud, and, possibly because a good 90% of things I say these days I type or write up instead of speaking them, I feel like I do a better job of expressing myself that way. I don't want us to have a bad relationship. It is clear - ever more so - that there is something driving wedge between us and that is not a thing I want. You may not seem to accept it at the moment but I do love and respect you both a lot. So, I guess what I'm going to try and do is offer an explanation for what I think is happening, written out in a manner such that I feel I can actually explain things in a way that will be coherent, and maybe that will go some way towards solving the problem. Or, in the event that it fails to do that, then I feel that at the very least I do owe you some sort of explanation.

I think part of the crux of what is obfuscating matters is your feeling like I have some sort of specific issue with "how [you] are treating me," which is nonsensical to you because I appear to be living the lifestyle equivalent of easy street, and you are providing entirely for all of my wants and needs that you are aware of. This makes sense, because you are not treating me badly at all. You are excellent parents, and when I say that, I mean it - I know people who do have bad parents - to understate the matter in the case of a few of my friends, honestly - and in comparison you are literal saints. I am exceptionally grateful for that fact. However, I do feel like you may have a lack of perspective about my own life which is skewing your perceptions of me and my actions. You know that I don't like to talk about myself - I don't. I really, really don't. And while I don't really intend to share private matters any more than I have to, perhaps sharing some of my own perspective as opposed to keeping it closely guarded will create better mutual understanding. If you want to offer more of your own perspective on matters, then please do so, although I will say that I actually don't think any of this really comes from me being unable to see your point of view. I think I do see it, which is why I don't think any of your interpretations of this situation or of me are unreasonable. Indeed in your position I can see myself making very similar conclusions; I can see your perspective, but that does not mean that I believe that your perspective is entirely accurate.

To touch upon personal matters as lightly as possible, I don't think your interpretation that I have an entirely strife-free life is entirely accurate. Obviously, you are aware of the fact that I at the very least have enough emotional issues to facilitate my having to attend a therapist this past spring. This is not something I have ever spoken much about, but honestly at times that has only been the barest protruding tip of the proverbial iceberg. Mum, if a sampling of your family is anything to go by, then I think saying that there might be at least somewhat of a family history (along that branch, at least) of emotional and mental health issues might not be unwarranted. It would appear that I am not an exception to this rule. While it's something I keep very private in a family setting, it is something that preoccupies me deeply in my life and that I have been working to effectively deal with throughout a very large part of it. This is not an assessment I am making lightly. I actually have a really strong tendency to dismiss my personal problems and issues, even to myself, and especially when it is you who are asking. However, I have independently been in contact with a number of people who have significant experience in these matters, who have all almost entirely unanimously agreed (as soon as I opened up even slightly about these matters) that I am clearly experiencing some degree of degree of mental and emotional health dysfunction. This was also echoed by that selfsame therapist, although I will admit, I had exceptional trouble opening up during those meetings (once again I find it far easier to fully express myself in writing rather than in person) and so she didn't have all that much success in resolving any of them, especially given the very limited number of therapy that I was offered (by the perpetually overtaxed NHS).

I don't want to go into details. I hate going into details about anything of that sort that I am experiencing and rather continue to live my life disregarding those things in the company of most other people, especially in the company of family. I find that that is the method that makes everybody around me the most comfortable and happy themselves, which likewise makes me more comfortable and happy. In my ideal world, we would all be comfortable and happy around each other at all times. However, it is becoming clear that retaining this sort of block that is preventing me from communicating in any manner any of my feelings, happenings in my life, or even hinting at any of these things is now making everyone involved both very uncomfortable and very stressed. So, regard this as me attempting to fix that, I suppose.

I feel like it would make more sense in my explaining this if I offered some form of explanation as to why I don't ever discuss these things with you. I feel like that might be something which you probably experience as somewhat mystifying, especially seeing as the maxim has always been, "we are your parents, you are free to confide anything in us!" And although I know that that has for the most part been true, I have not always felt that I have been able to do as such. I will attempt to explain why as best as I can, and hope that this doesn't come across as criticism where I do not intend it to. I feel like it might be better characterised as a misunderstanding and/or misinterpretation of perspectives, because you obviously mean well and want the best for me.

There was a point, I think roughly when I came to be around 10 years old, when I started experiencing problems that could be categorized in that bracket of "emotional/mental health issues". I feel like when this happened, you were somewhat at a loss as to how to help me. I would confide a problem, and your response would either be founded on what was obvious to me was a misinterpretation of the situation of what was concerning me, or else it would be blank puzzlement and you wouldn't be able to really offer a solution. This I think was the first time in my childhood that I came to realise that there were perhaps problems that you as my parents couldn't solve on my behalf. Before that, every time there was something - anything - wrong, then I would rush to you, and you would be able to make it better. So, it was a very new and very scary experience when I started having problems that you couldn't solve or even understand. I feel like I should give a few examples - probably the first of these was the whole debacle with the "feeling in my throat". (For the record, that was probably an example of pathological obsession that'd probably add to the evidence pile for my therapist's musings that I probably have OCD, but at the time I lacked any sort of context for it or experience for dealing with it). That was an example of a problem that you couldn't solve. Another example is the time when I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down crying because I'd just left you a note on my computer detailing what 12 year old me thought were "perverse sexual desires". That is an example of the time where you were able to offer comfort, but where the help you offered appeared to misunderstand the situation, and you offered a solution based on assumptions that I knew were not true.

Furthermore, later on as I moved into my teens, and these issues kept reoccurring, I began to regret bringing them up with you in the first place. You continued to not know how to resolve them, and instead got scared and worried, even acting angry that I couldn't simply "drop" the problem, when it seemed to be something so meaningless or trivial to you. I don't know if this made any particular impression on you - I don't know if you even remember any of these instances! - but the fact is that it almost certainly did make a fairly big impression on me. Indeed, as I've thought over this over the years, trying to pick apart my own emotions and mental state, I think that this might be the start of what has lead to this current climate where I have an extremely difficult time opening up to authority figures, unfortunately you included. I learned that if I started discussing these difficult, illogical problems I was having to you, then you would get upset and angry. But, if I kept it all to myself, then usually the problem would resolve itself in time and nobody would have to get upset except for me, and I would be able to deal with it myself. I think this is probably a lesson that I internalised and is likely to influence my behaviour somewhat. I certainly don't tell you any of the things that bother me these days, unless I am pushed to reveal some of it by exceptional circumstances, such as if things get pushed to the edge and I have an emotional response that I can't regulate (for instance, the other month when I hurt my arm).

The issue where mention of mental or emotional issues that are "outside of the norm" or which "break the status quo" are difficult to discuss with you has continued to be true in more recent years. For instance, something that really jumps out to me is the instance when, upon learning that I had self harm marks last year, you became upset and angry at me. This really hurt, especially seeing as it was for something that was a result of other problems that I am not to blame for, and essentially this prevented me from further discussing the matter with you (and indeed, to avoid it being discussed is the reason why I now constantly wear long-sleeved jumpers all year round, even when it is summertime and I am literally sweating myself out of my skin for having to keep the damn things on around other people). I don't intend to come across as me making any sweeping or arrogant criticisms here, and I do understand how you feel. I understand that all of these sort of things must be inexplicable and painful to you, but nonetheless, they are even more painful to me. I am the one who suffers from my these issues, because they exist inside my head, and yet mentioning them seems to be turned around upon me as if its my fault, or as if you are more badly harmed by them than I am. As such instead of sympathy for things that I have to deal with on my own, I get accusations and am forced to be evasive. An example is in the aftermath of my last year of school, where, yes, my failure to produce work and results to my usual standard was because of mental health issues I was experiencing. Mum, when we discussed this afterwards, you emphasized that it had had "a huge impact on [you and dad], and it was really hard". I'm sure this is true, and I'm sorry for that... but you must see that when I am having mental health issues, the harm that it does to you guys is always going to be tiny compared to the harm that I am suffering through actually experiencing the issues in question first hand.

So, while it is not a case of there being any real way in which you are "failing" to care for me - in so far as you understand and are able to, you care for me better than I could ever ask for! - there are areas where it feels like you are failing to understand my perspective, and, even worse, not recognising that there are some areas where I could have more insight into my own life and issues in some instances that you do. For instance, you insist that I have an "entirely easy" life, and that if I don't think this then I am being "naive". This is in direct contradiction to the fact that you don't actually know anything about my personal life, my personal situation, and seems to be ignoring the fact that you do know that I have at least some varieties of mental health and emotional issues. You do know this, but you seem to ignore it because you find it stressful, and just make out like I have no bad things happening in my life.

I should clarify... I don't need you to take a larger role in dealing with these things if you don't want to. In fact, I am find dealing with my personal issues myself. They are a very private part of my life and I don't know if I would be comfortable discussing them more directly, but what I would ask, if at all possible, is at least to acknowledge that they might exist, and that I might be better informed about my own situation than you are. Moreover, to accept that there are instances in which I know what is best for myself.

This is another issue, I think that there is a problem in our relationship of a bias on your part that I'm not sure you are picking up on, because from your perspective it is a justified bias. That is the fact that you still see me as a child, and as your child. "Not a proper adult" is the phrase that I heard dad use earlier; "he thinks he's a 'proper adult'". You still view me as young, uninformed and naive. You assume that I don't understand the world, don't understand my own situation, and don't know what's best for myself. You assume that you will always know better than me when it comes to any subject or situation - and often this is true! Broadly, you know a lot more about the world than me. Your advice and help is wonderful, and I couldn't live without it. You taught me very, very much of what I know. But this is not true of everything. We've already acknowledged that you don't know very much about my personal life, and don't know very much about my situation there. I have to deal with some pretty serious and affecting issues, not just involving myself but also other people in my life. I have to make some "proper adult" choices and decisions, and offer reasoned perspectives for other people on a whole range of topics and issues daily. It's hard, but I do it as best I can, and I've been making "serious decisions" about my own life for years. I am the one who deals with my problems, I am responsible for taking care of myself. It is my responsibility and I have been dealing with it myself for years.

So, you must understand that when you come into that situation and start telling me things about my life and priorities, start telling me that I am naive and don't know what I am talking about, that comes across as absurd, and as incredibly frustrating. You refuse to accept that I might in fact understand my own situation, the world and my place in it, better than you do - but of course I know more about my own situation than you do! I know this because all of the information about the things in my life that really matter are held inside my head, where I have been hoarding them for years, dealing with them myself for years, and so when you assume that you know better than I do on matters about my life it comes across as incredibly condescending. I'm sorry. I know that that is the framework that we have worked in for almost all the time that you have known me; a parent-child relationship is one in which the parent knows best and the child learns from the parent.

This is no longer a parent-child relationship, in that I am no longer a child. I will be turning twenty this October. The dynamic has changed, and I can no longer be treated like I am 15, no matter how much you convince yourselves that I am "just like" a 15 year old.

So here I think is part of the crux of the issue. I do not need to earn "adult respect". I am an adult, and as such I am already worthy of such respect. You seeing me as a child, or even as childish, does not mean that I do not deserve to be treated as the independent adult that I am. By independent, I don't mean that I am able to live my life without you. Obviously I cannot, and I am so, so grateful for your support. But I am independent in that I make independent choices about my life and how to live it. These are my choices to make, and this is my life to live. I value your input but you cannot make these choices for me and you absolutely do not know what is best for me better than I do. You know nothing about my personal life and you are not in a position to assume judgement over my situation or actions.

I'm sorry if that came across as hostile. I love you very much, I am so grateful for you, but you must understand that this is the root of my frustration. I don't treat with hostility because I don't respect you, I respect you more than virtually any other people on the planet, the issue is that I am constantly wrestling with frustration at being treated like a child when you clearly don't understand my situation or respect that I am living a life that is not "problem free" and that I am making hard decisions to take care of myself in a manner that you do not and it seems generally don't want to have to, albeit only in that you don't really know what's going on there.

I'm sorry... I don't want to get frustrated and upset. I just want to be left free to make my own decisions and have my autonomy as an adult person respected. When I am having issues, it's incredibly hard to have the outcome of that manifested as anger instead of sympathy. I'm sorry if I get frustrated, and I am so sorry that it's causing strife. I love you both so much, and I want to have a relationship with you that is filled with that love rather than hostility. I don't want us to become estranged as I move away to university this autumn, please, I want to have a close relationship with you, like we've always had in the past, like I know we all want to have.

But in order to do that I need you to respect the fact that I am an adult now. I'm not saying you need to respect me... you don't have to give me any respect that I haven't earned. Just... respect that I am a grown person now, and that I have a certain degree of autonomy, and that my life is my own and my decisions are my own. I just want to be free to live it without being belittled, I want my father to see me as being a man rather than a boy, I want to not be treated as a child when I have been living as an adult with the adult responsibility of taking care of my own life for years now. I want you to understand that you do not know everything about my life and not to make judgements based on assumptions that are not founded in reality. I want to be able to live life as an independent adult, and you to treat me as such without it being contingent on your understanding and interpretation of my motives and actions. Please leave me free to do that and the frustration will disappear.

I don't want there to be frustration or anger. I love you both too much to want that.

Just please try and understand my perspective, as an adult perspective.

Try and understand that I may be dealing with problems that I am not talking to you about. Because I am, I... I have a lot of things that I am trying to deal with at the moment. Life is hard and scary.

Thank you.

Lots of love,

[Deadname]

P.S.: Sorry if this came across badly at all... I'm not sure I really said everything I could have or wanted to say or expressed myself as well as I wanted to, but I hope it at least makes things a little bit more clear. Thank you for reading either way, I really appreciate that.