a mother's Iove

It was my birthday today.

A long time ago, that would have meant something. I could still remember how my Mom would save up the little money she had, months before that special day came by so that we could catch a ride off-planet to see the stars. There was nothing that made me happier as a child than to get a taste of how big the universe really was; That there was something else out there besides what we were stuck with, on this little rock we called home. I used to imagine that I'd have the freedom to go up there whenever I wanted to when I got older, and see what other crazy things there were out in space. Mom would tell me that one day that would come true, and one day we'd both be out there together flying through the galaxy. She promised.

I guess we don't always get what we want. We tried as hard as we could to get out, and we even managed to come close a few times, but in the end it took more than just rocket fuel to leave a planet. Instead of being above the skies, flying through space, I now live in a dusty old apartment. Alone. I was cleaning up the kitchen sink so I could feel like I had at least did something for my 30th birthday.

Maybe one day things will work out, but I stopped getting my hopes up a long time ago.

I wanted to call my mother today, but things weren't that easy anymore. We had fallen on hard times and a lot of bad things had happened. Things had only gotten worse and worse, and then one day I found out that Mom had gotten sick. Really sick.

She was still in the hospital now. Been there for months, actually, struck by some disease with a name I couldn't even pronounce, and the worst part of it to me was that she had never done anything to deserve it. It was just one more cruel roll of the dice stacked atop a lifetime of tragedy. She fought it as hard as she could, but now she was stuck to a bed in a crowded hospital. All I knew about her illness was that it did terrible things to a person, and I could only hope that she'd be the same determined woman that I knew when she came home.

I didn't want to bother her with my phone call. She was always so exhausted now. Maybe she wouldn't even be awake. Maybe the nurse would just hang up on me.

Maybe what really stopped me was the fact that one of these days, she wouldn't recognize who it was that had called her.

There was the sound of the doorbell, startling me just by how unexpected it was. I walked towards it automatically, even though I didn't know who would want to visit me, and when I turned the corner and pulled open the door... I never would have thought to see my Mother standing there on the other side.

She looked awful, like part of her life had been drained away by the disease.  She was a bit unsteady on her feet but she looked happier than I had seen her in a long, long time. I was so stunned that it took me a moment to notice that she held a small box with a ribbon on it, held in two shaky hands. A birthday present for me.

“Mom?” Part of me was shocked and worried, but I was so happy to see her that I had to run forward and place my hands on her shoulders as if she could disappear the moment I let her slip away. “What are you doing here? You should be in the hospital!”

“I'm here for your birthday, Ben.” She said as a matter of fact, and I knew the woman that I remembered was still strong, even if her body was tired. She smiled up at me. “Now you're not going to keep your own mother standing out here, are you?”

“No, I--” I shook my head, laughing at the craziness of it all. “Come on in. Please. How on Earth did you get here?”

The very first thing she wanted to do when she got inside was to start baking me a cake. She scoffed away my offers to step in and help, claiming that she always used to bake me my birthday cakes, and that was how it would stay. When I told her that she was using a spatula to mix the batter, the saddest kind of smile formed on that tired face.

She told me it was awful at the hospital. She wasn't a person there. She was just another name among many to cross off the list. Never wanted to talk, never looked her in the eye, and the only thing she had to keep herself busy with was a grainy television built into the wall.

But she told me it was all worth it to be here now. None of it mattered. Today was my special day, and it was me who we should be worrying about. So for her I laughed and I sat on the table with a cup of tea in my hand, but it was her presence that I drank in. Loving that I had my mother here with me now after not seeing her for such a long time.

But it was hard to ignore that she no longer remembered where anything was.

“I want this to be a special birthday for you.” She would say this a lot, whenever she had the chance to, while we talked like it was old times again. “I want today to be a birthday that you never forget. Even if I can't... take you into space like I used to. I still remember when we used to do that, you know. Every single trip.”

“What? I don't care if we can't do that.” I replied, frowning at how guilty she sounded. “I'm just happy that you're here. This is more than I could have ever asked for.” The way that she said those words made me feel like something was wrong, and I couldn't shake that feeling no matter how I tried. I didn't want to ruin the mood, but I had to ask. “Is... everything alright, Mom?”

That feeling only got worse when I saw her falter, but she quickly shook her head. “Don't worry about it, dear.” She made herself smile for me. “We can talk about it when you open my present. And that's not until you blow out your candles.”

I wasn't sure who was trying to reassure who. She was trying so hard to make me happy, trying to make me smile when both of us had next to nothing. She wanted it so badly that I couldn't help but to do it for her, and we both smiled along together, pretending for a while that everything really was okay.

We ended up using matches as candles for my cake.

I could only spare a couple of them, but even that was enough to bring a tear to my eye after Mom told me to sit down as she dimmed the lights, disappearing around a corner. Her frail form re-appeared after a second with the cake in her arms and the matches alight. She sang happy birthday to me, quietly, but it was still so nostalgic of older days. Better days. Back when I was a young boy full of hope and she was a woman full of energy. And now she was just so tired.

But as I blew out the candles for her and she quietly cheered and clapped her hands for me, I realized that I still loved her just as much as I always have, even when everything else was so dark. There were tears in my eyes, but I was smiling, happy that we had been able to have this little moment together. And when Mom picked her present up from the counter and sat down at the table, she was doing the very same thing. I couldn't move my gaze from her tears when she placed her present on the table in front of me, and when I reached out to take it she placed her hands on top of mine, stopping me.

“Ben,” She began. She was looking right at me. “Before I give you this, I want you to know that I mean these words. Today is your birthday, and I want this day to be a happy day for you. I want you to remember that, even after what I'm about to tell you.”

My stomach dropped, and cold dread filled me, but I tried hard not to let it show. “What do you mean?” I breathed.

“Ever since you were little, I made a promise to myself that I would do everything I could to make sure you were happy, no matter how bad things seemed to be. I wanted to give you a better life than what was given to me.” My Mom still had a smile on her face, but now she was smiling for both of us. “That's why I wanted this birthday to be so special. I wanted to bake your cake, just like I always used to. I wanted to bring you a present and make you happy even when the world is full of sadness. I don't want you to remember me when I'm gone and think that I stopped caring about you. Or that I ever stopped loving you more than anything else. Because I do love you, Ben. And I always will, even if my brain starts forget.” She wiped her eyes, clearing her throat, hesitating to speak the words that came next. “This was the last birthday I had left to show you that I never forgot that promise.” She made herself say. “They told me two weeks ago that I only have a few months left to live. I had to make this birthday special.”

Those words hit me harder than anything I could have prepared for. I wanted to say something back, anything, but a look from her told me to be quiet even as both our eyes were wet with tears.

“My sickness makes things so hard to remember, but I never forgot my promise to you. Being here on this planet was my mistake and I couldn't bear it if you had to suffer for it too.” Her hold on my hand tightened, and on her face was the most bittersweet kind of smile that I had ever seen. “I want you to be happy, Ben. Before you say anything, I want you to open your present.” She pulled back her hand.

With my heart in my throat and with a flood of so many different emotions inside me, I made myself pull back the little ribbon on the box and I slipped off its lid, and underneath it was a...

Oh, God.

“It's a ticket out of here.” My Mom said. She was so happy to see the ticket in my hands, but so sad because of what it meant. It was a way to escape this planet, but she knew that she couldn't come with me. “It will take you all the way to Mars, Ben. You'll be able to find work there that pays a lot of money, and you'll be able to see the stars every day. Just like you always wanted to. Just like I promised all those years ago.”

It was overwhelming to me. Mom was going to die in a few months, but for once I could truly live. She wanted me to be happy no matter what and if my only reaction to this was how much it hurt to know I'd lose her, she'd be crushed.  I didn't know how long she had been saving the little money she had for this moment; I had been saving my whole life and I couldn't afford this ticket. I don't know how she did it at all. All I knew was that my life was going to change drastically for the better, and I owed it all to her.

And I knew that in a few weeks, she wouldn't remember any of this.

“How did you get the money for a ticket?” I asked stupidly, looking up from my present and back to my mother.

“I saved what I had for a long time.” She said softly. “I was trying to get enough money to buy two, so that we could both leave together. But once I learned that I wasn't going to make it...” She shrugged uneasily, trying to play off those horrible words like they were just another minor thing. “I did have enough for just one.”

It was horrible, but so selfless and kind and I just felt overwhelmed. “I don't know what to say.” I dropped my head into my hands, trying to take it all in.

“You don't have to say anything.” That sad smile was still there, so happy and yet so sad. “Just tell me Ben, are you happy?”

It was such a simple question, but it was one so terrible to realize. My mother was dying, after raising me alone on a barren planet and fighting so hard to bring light into this darkness. But now after thirty years I finally had chance at life, to be truly happy and to live an adventure beyond my wildest dreams.

“I am happy, Mom.” I said, and it was then that I realized that it was true for the first time in decades.

“Then I'm happy.” Was her honest response. “And that's all that matters to me.” Suddenly I couldn't bear the distance between us anymore and I got up from the table, walking over to the frail figure that was my Mom, and I embraced her. We both cried, and we stayed that way for a long time, but they were tears of joy.  At some point we sat down and I ate my mother's cake. It tasted awful. But I told her I loved it, and  she looked delighted to hear that.

Eventually the hospital came to me looking for her. I was sad to see her go, but I was going to visit her every day from now on. The ship to Mars wouldn't arrive until she had already passed away, but I felt prepared to be there for her when it happened, even after her memory started to fade.

Because I'd never forget that she loved me.