Anon-PI: Ep 01 - "Dark and Stormy Night"

==== From the /mlp 4chams ====================
===== Adulterous Twilight #2 =================
>You have a job, and you are married to Twilight.
>Twilight claims to "take care of royal business" and she's occupied in the castle for most of the day.
>However Fluttershy has recently informed you that this is not the case. Twilight leaves almost as soon as you do each day.
>You're worried, you've been married for almost a year.
>One day instead of going to work, you decide to see where Twilight goes.
>She does in fact leave the castle.
>She sneaks off to a private residence, and you follow her.
>She goes inside.
>You spy from the brush.
>From the window, you can see the silhouette of Twilight getting fucked.
>You walk inside and catch them in the act.
>She looks guilty at first, but then she looks angry.
>"H-how dare you! Did you spy on me!?"

How do you react?
==============================================

Answer:  With a Film Noir style P.I. segway.





EPISODE 1: "Dark and stormy Night"





Ep 01: http://pastebin.com/E8d25qPg
Ep 02: http://pastebin.com/yRfPAJ2r
Ep 03: http://pastebin.com/4SSTNfCi





"I'm sorry, Stone Wall.  I'm afraid there's no mistake."
>The stocky Earth Pony stallion swallowed back a sob that you heard a dozen times before as he looks down at the photographs you obtained.
> It takes him a minute to gather the courage and move his hoof through the pile.  A clear picture of two cutie-marks a little too close together on one.
> His Wife, Spring Shower, appears next to some nameless dirtbag with a baseball bat and ball on his flank.
> His stallion-bat is half buried in Spring Shower, and she looks pretty pleased with the situation.
> Three more pictures of various poses...apparently Spring Shower earned her name from her copious-
> "What am I going to do now?" Stone Wall lamented, brushing the photos away so he could sob on your desk
"Sorry, sir.  I'm just the private eye that takes the photos.  I haven't figured out the secret to forgiving.  Forgetting is a little easier.  Take half a bottle of whiskey in the evening and repeat as needed."
> He nods, understanding that you won't...and can't...make it any better.  "Well, at least I know now.  They weren't kidding.  You're the best PI in the land."
> You muster a brief salute of thanks as he places the rest of your fee in a small cloth bag and takes the photos in an envelope.
> "Must suck..." he manages the half-hearted chuckle of a broken soul...another sound you've heard plenty.  "To be so good at breaking love."
> You just nod, then turn to the window to watch the rain fall.
"I learned from the best.  That's all."
> The door closes as Stone Wall leaves to confront his- no, you really don't care.  You don't want to see what happens next.  Case closed and good riddance.
> You sigh, turning around, loosening the tie around your neck with eyes on the desk drawer you keep your hooch in.  You can pay rent and restock this month...why not take your own advice about forgetting?
> But you look up.  She's there.
> Twilight Sparkle.  The Princess of Friendship.
> Goddamn it.  She's good.  Of course she's good.
> Snuck in past your magical wards when the door was open you suspect. ...didn't even hear the teleport.
> Makes you wonder how many times she teleported away without you knowing...returning just as silently.
> "Hi...A-Anon..." she smiles softly. "Long time no see."
"Shop's closed for the day, Ma'am."
> Her ears flatten down in guilt. "I-"
"Anonymous Private Consulting will be open at noon tomorrow, but I must warn you I don't do government work."
> "Dammit, Anon! I'm SORRY!" she shouts, then gasps at her own outburst.
> Slowly, you nod, you reach into your desk and pull out a bottle. Gonna need the whole thing tonight.
"And I forgave you."
> She makes an almost...scoffing sound. "And that just made me feel worse! I-"
"I know."
> "Anon, PLEASE, I-"
"Now get out."
> She makes a stubborn pout and flares her wings. "I thought forgiveness meant we could move on! Put the past behind us! Anon, I still...I have always loved you-"
"Am I under arrest? Are you detaining me? Because otherwise you have no-"
> Twilight stomps her hoof in frustration, tears suddenly falling in fat, glistening drops. "Fine!"
> She yanks open the door enough to get around my wards, then teleports away in a shower of sparks.
> The sparks still smell like her when you walk over to close the door.
"Goddamn you, wife. Goddamn you."

***

> Morning After. Tastes like badly fermented apple cider. Applejack still send you a case every year for Heartwarming. It's too good not to down immediately, so you usually end up using the cheap swill sold in the city to self-medicate.
> You roll out of bed...folding bed...couch...more of a couch really and catch yourself with shaky hands.
> You remember the look on her face when you caught them. Twilight Sparkle and that...that... dirtbag.
> And when she accused you of spying... something just snapped. You walked out. Somewhere, after the ninth bar you decided you'd do just that. Become a spy.
> After Celestia informed you that you would be the worst spy ever (being the only human in Equestria) the next best idea...Private Eye...seemed logical.
> You sigh as you hear hoofsteps up the stairs to your office / apartment.
"Welp. There's always next months rent to worry about."
> A quick trip to the back room bathroom and you're freshened up as much as you can bother, though you still smell of hooch as you open the front door.
> Rainbow Dash is there...and she's wearing the best scowl she can muster.
> "Anon? So THIS is where you've been hiding?" she mutters, pushing past you into your office.
"I haven't been hiding, Rainbow. This is my new job, and Ponyville has only had one case of adultery in the last few months. I had to move on to greener pastures."
> Rainbow winces as you mention the 'one case'. "We're worried about you, Anon. I'm worried about you."
"Well, then I'm glad you're here to visit me. Can I get you a coffee?"
> Rainbow realizes the 'storm in and give you shit' attack isn't going to work - not with the moral high ground....no...the moral parapet you have to stand on. "Uhm. Sure. Why not. Busy?"
"Yeah, sure.  Business is picking up actually.  Seems nobody really does what I do.  Maybe nopony has the stomach for it."
> You make busy around the kitchenette as Rainbow scopes out your place.
> "So you just live in your office?"
"Yeah, sure. Why not? When I met you ponies Twilight was still sleeping a floor away from the library and-"
> You catch yourself before fond memories come flooding back of happier times.
" And anyway, you sleep ON your work. Don't look at me like that, everypony has seen you napping."
> Dash smiles briefly and helps fold away your bed/couch so you both have a place to sit that isn't the main office.
> "When are you coming back?" she asks finally
> You think back to all the smirk-ridden smart-assed remarks you've thought up in response to the question when asked - and you have been asked by most of the Girls.
> But Dash is...well...she's one of the only friends you still have that bothers to visit you. She deserves better.
"When it stops hurting, Dash. When it stops hurting."
> Her ears flatten and she solemnly accepts the mug you give her full of piping hot instant Marebucks. "Will it ever stop?"
"You don't want me to answer that."
> "She still loves you, you know."
"That's why I'm not sure it will stop."
> You settle down next to the cyan pony with your own mug and you spend half an hour just killing your hangover with carefully moderated sips.
> "Well, I can't stand to see you like this," she sighs finally as her mug goes empty. "Can I at least hire you back in Ponyville for a case?"
> You smirk - of course she'd eventually try something like this.
"Dash, I told you, Ponyville is too small. And honestly, I'm getting to love it here in the big ci-"
> As if on que, the door is kicked off of the hinges by a furious looking blue mare.
> "ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! YOU RUINED MY MARRIAGE!"
> You turn to your friend and shrug.
"See? They love me here!"
> "I'm going to make you wish you never set foot in this town...and by the time I'm done with you everyone will see what a...a horrible monster you really are!" she seethes at you.
> You stand up and raise your hands in defense.
"Ma'am.  I'm afraid I'm just doing my job.  If you have any problem with the repercussions of your actions-"
> She whistles and...Baseball Bat pony storms in.  Along with what seems to be the rest of the batting section.  Apparently Spring Showers was more active than your one night of surveillance found out.
> Six sturdy stallions crowd past their bicycle and into your office.  The one unicorn of the bunch has the Equine equivalent of a Louisville Slugger raised in an orange-white aura, and before you can say anything, he grins and sends it smashing into your framed PI's licence on the wall.
> Dash is at your side wordlessly, but you've already begun.  They are strong and sturdy but you have something they don't.
> CRACK!
> Anon the Human has brass knuckles.
"I don't do business with wifefuckers!"
> The first punch drops Baseball-Bat-Cock like a sack of potatoes, shocking everypony in the room, including Dash.
> "That.  Was.  AWESOME!" she squeaks as you shake your fist out and tackle the unicorn
> He's too shocked to respond as you drive his horn and most of his snout into the drywall across from the door.  Your landlord will be pissed.  Fuck it.
> "Behind you!" Dash shouts, and you jump above the hooves meant for your back.
"I said...GET OUT!"
> you roar and land another brass-assisted punch into another's side.  Ribs crunch and he drops in a painful wheeze.
> "IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA!" comes a shout.  "EVERYPONY FREEZE!"
> You wince as a bright flash fills your vision, and a dozen palace guards pile into the room.
"Oh, come on..."
> Lead by a very angry looking Shining Armor.
> Dash tries to speak up as you are magic-manacled and brought down to street level with the rest of the office scuffle
> "Shining, he's innocent! I saw the whole thing! You gotta believe me! You know I wouldn't lie!"
> Shining is quiet as he leads you, the six Baseball stallions and the furious, red-faced Spring Showers into a huge paddy wagon.
> "We're taking everyone in for questioning, Miss Dash. Princess' orders. We've been hearing a lot of complaints about Anonymous' business. The fact we were here to break up a fight was-"
"Yeah, just coincidence. Couldn't have brought me in otherwise, right?"
> Dash looks at you then back to Shining. "I'm going back to Ponyville so I can get the rest of the Elements in on this."
> You try to tell her not to but the door slams between you. As you look around the dim padlocked area, you see the seven angry ponies in various states of injury and/or consciousness glare at you.
"Did my wife put you up to this?" you ask finally as the cart starts moving.
> Spring Shower glares daggers at your heart. "Who would ever want to marry a homewrecker like you?"
"You did the wrecking, lady. All I did was catch you in the act."
> "You bastard-"
"Lady, if a cheating dog like yourself finds me terrible, then I can die knowing I've done something right in my life."
> Unfortunately, manacled, you were slightly less agile, and her firm headbut made everything go black for what you suspected was a very long time.

***

> You wake up, unmanacled but in a holding cell. Soft wood walls and ceiling with a cot erected for your unusually long body...and you seem to have had your boo-boos patched by an expert.
"Not even a hangover. Huh."
> Your voice alerts the guard to your lividity and you hear a few hushed whispers and hoofclops outside your cell.
> Finally, Shining Armor appears around the corner and stands in front of your cell as you sit up and straighten yourself out.
"So, is this a proper kangaroo court? Or are you holding me on twenty-four hours misconduct? Or can I get back to work?"
> A sadness fills your brother-in-law's eyes. "Back to work? Are you really so eager?"
> You nod and look up at him.
" And if I am?"
> He sighs, produces a set of keys with his unicorn power, and unlocks the door. "No, Anon. Not this time. You're under official investigation for your...negative influence around Manehattan. I know you're not doing anything...technically wrong...but this-"
"Isn't the way to get over my wife fucking another stallion?"
> Shining takes a step back in horror, as if he had forgotten the scandal...the newspapers...the endless crying and interviews and the crowds around the palace...
"I don't know, seems to me I'm digging up a lot of dirty secrets with my skills, Brother. Is that why ponies want me to stop? Because nobody likes to be reminded of their wedding vows?"
> "Anonymous! That's enough! She's still my sister! I can't let you-"
"Let me what? Tell the truth?"
> Shining shuts his mouth and eyes, clearly doing his best not to lock you back in the cell in anger.
> "I know you're hurt, Anonymous. But this isn't healthy. You..." he sighs. "We didn't even have a statistic for divorce until a few months ago!"
> He frowns at the word as it hangs in the air and you realize he's looking at you. "Are you...I mean...will you be adding to that?"
> Divorce. The big D. Ponies had 'broken up' before, but the vast majority of marriages had stayed solvent in Equestria. Maybe this was due to the blind eyes turning away...
"Whatever do you mean, my Brother? I told you. And her. And everyone. I've forgiven my dear wife."
> You stride past him a few steps before he leads you down the hall. "Is there anything I can do? Honestly...Anything I can do to make things better for you two?"
> You smile darkly, remembering the red splash of colour on your fist as you were hauled away from Bright Eyes' bedroom by Twilight fearing for her lover's life.
"Nothing legal, I'm afraid."
> He sighs and nods, motioning you down the hall. "We've set up a business and social review board. You'll answer their questions and then you'll be set free. If they're satisfied you'll keep your licence. If not, you'll have to find another hobby."
"There's always knitting, I suppose."
> Shining blinks and allows himself a measured chuckle. "Glad you still have your sense of humour, Anon. That's what she-" and there it is again. That awkward 'oh why couldn't everything be like it was' look you've seen on everypony's face. Everypony's face...but one.
> Maybe it was because she understood things could never be the same.
> He takes you into one of the smaller courtrooms and sits you down in a witness box in front of a panel of nine ponies of various age, demeanor and profession.
> And a crowd of nearly two dozen 'witnesses'. Most of them angry ex-spouses. Some, however, looked ready to defend you for your services. Stone Wall was there...looking hung over...but determined.
> Shining walks off to the side. "Let's get this started shal-"
> "Wait," she says. Of course she's here. Out of the office you're back on her terms.
> The crowd mumbles excitedly as Twilight comes in and walks over to the flustered administration pony.
> After a brief whispered exchange she takes the seat. The Admin Pone doesn't seem too happy...but royalty and all.
> "Sis...I think this might not be the best, uhm. Idea...or time." Shining starts to say.
"No. This is fine."
> Twilight looks over and gives you a smile. She knows she's not going to win many points though, and tries to look away with an air of nonchalant professionalism.
> "Anonymous the Human. This is an official court review to decide the validity of your...civilian investigator licence. Do you have anything to say before we begin?"
"No. You may begin, Princess."

***

> It's a long half hour of dry statistics at first. The Records Pony describes the unusual nature and uniqueness of your licence, and how it was only granted due to your unpony-like nature.
> The business ponies describe the difficulty in deciding regulation, rates and returns on the new industry you've started and how it would be easier if it all just went away.
> The Guard ponies cite a number of domestic disputes, fighting and serious injury incidents related to your case.
> The Doctor ponies...well...they report three suicides in the last few months. Suicide...another word that seems alien in the air of this magical land.
> Next come the ponies involved in your cases. Angry wives caught in the act...Furious Stallions who've suffered shattered harems of mistresses...weeping couples caught in a moment's bad judgement who regretted ever coming to you to learn the truth.
> But then your supporters came to the stand.
> And after the third heartbreaking story in a row about how a husband or wife learned the truth, you dared to look over at her face.
"That's all I ever wanted, you know. And that's all I'm selling these ponies. The truth."
> An uncomfortable silence fills the courtroom as the various ponies for and against your actions stop muttering and clashing with whispers and pokes.
> Twilight stands and raises her wings...the ones you know are ticklish and soft and make her purr like a kitten when you-
> "Truth can be a hard thing to hear sometimes," she says quietly, knowing every ear in the room will be straining anyway. "Sometimes we need to hear it out loud, even if deep down...in our hearts...we know it already."
> A few of the more staunch 'con' ponies sighed as they realized their cases were about to be overruled.
> "It is the decision of this gathering that Anonymous the Human may continue to practice his profession so long as he maintains actions within the laws of Equestria."
"Thank you, Princess."
> The room had a minor return to a mumbling, hushed rolling whisper for a moment, then slowed as the Princess hammered her hoof down on the podium.
> "However," this includes our laws about customer discrimination," the Purple pone says loudly. "While you may still maintain a case-by-case workload at your discretion, you may no longer flatly reject royal requests for your services without adequate reason."
> You feel a tingle of anger ignite under your guts. She's planning something. Of course she is.
> A year ago you loved the little power game and back-and-forth sneak attack of plans and surprises...especially the romantic ones. Now the feeling left you aching like a phantom wound.
"And if I refuse?"
> She stares you down, trying to determine if this game of chicken is one she can win. A sad thought seems to cross her mind as she looks away, but then a renewed fire in her eyes explodes back in a shimmer.
> "Then your licence will expire at the end of the month and you can look for a new line of work."
> It's a tough call. You want to quit out of spite...throw it all away and shrug. But doing that once left you without much else you cared about in this world.
> As you look over to your supporters...the sorry and sad...as well as the nodding and glad... you decide it will be worth one last game.
"I accept."
> She smiles brightly and clops twice on the podium. "Then this gathering is adjourned. Thank you all for coming."
> Of course she waits by the exit. As does a concerned looking Shining Armor, and finally as the last bit of the room leaves to discuss the ruling and report to their various offices, you get to your feet and exit the Witness Box.
"So I'm free to go?"
> Shining nods, but Twilight flares her wings. "Yes, you can go. But we really do need to talk."
"My office is closed for repair."
> It's a valiant try, but she smiles. "Already taken care of. Good as new."
"Fine, what exactly do you need to talk to me about...and might I remind you I am only obligated to take your case if I deem it within my work schedule."
> She nods and swallows back the worry in her voice. "Shining...can you give us a moment?"
> He nods and trots off quickly.
"So?"
> "I need your help to find my...our daughter."
"You-"
> Her words hit you like a ton of bits. It rebounds and rages in your heart.
"You had a CHILD with that fuckin-"
> "No," she whispers, cutting through your anger in an instant. "She's ours. Yours. And she needs you back...even if you won't take me back."
"I think I'm going to pass out...."
> Yep. Detective skills were right on with that one. Blackness...oh, how you missed it.

[ To Be Continued ]