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- Requests from 11/24/12
- Anon; Cult of A’non, Life of Brian style
- >This, could be a problem.
- >Standing in front of a crowd of thousands, you throw your hands in the air.
- “All right, all right! That’s enough of that, simmer down now.”
- >The crowd’s babbling decreases to hushed whispers as all eyes turn on you.
- “Now, I don’t really know what you folks are getting at, following me around, singing my praises, but I don’t like it! Not one bit!”
- >The murmuring grows in volume and you see a few heads bobbing, clearly agreeing with your assessment.
- >Perhaps this won’t be so difficult after all.
- “So, I’m going to advise all of you to shoo.”
- >Not a single one of them moves.
- “Skedaddle.”
- >Thousands of enormous eyes stare up at you as you lift your hand and flex your knuckles, your fingers flicking out at the gathered group repeatedly.
- “Be on your way.”
- >A single voice, towards the back interrupts your dispersal attempts.
- >“But, if we go away, how are we going to see you beat the Matriarchs?”
- >The crowd murmurs in agreement at that, becoming steadily louder in direct proportion to their dissent.
- “I-I’m not going to fight your rulers, this isn’t even my business!”
- >A rather irate jackass pulls himself out of the crowd.
- >“You have to! You’re the one to lead us into the future according to the prophecy!”
- “Oh, that’s ridiculous! Go sit down you ass.”
- >The fuzzy faced quadruped sneers up at you.
- >“I’m a, MULE!”
- “Ah, sorry, honest mistake, really.”
- >The frustration of the crowd is growing, as is evident in their stamping hooves and cries of disapproval.
- >You are Anonymous.
- >And apparently, you are to be the savior for a race of intelligent herbivores.
- “Ponies, please!”
- >You sigh, holding your hands up.
- “I’m sorry that I called your friend an ass.”
- >The crowd quiets and begins to shuffle about anxiously.
- “Now, why exactly do you need me to overthrow the Matriarchs?”
- >“They’re cruel!”
- >“They look down on us working class ponies from their ivory tower!”
- >“They command the stars!”
- >Several other voices ring out at once, but those three stand out.
- >Chuckling, you shake your head.
- “I’m sure it’s nothing that bad. I mean, you have homes and roads, and crops and medicine, they’re even building an infrastructure for trains.”
- >Some in the crowd begin to nod.
- >Good, getting through to them again.
- “And, really, don’t you think rulers have something better to do than spend their days looking down on you lot?”
- >“But they’ve got a telescope on each of their balconies. They can see anything going on in the kingdom from up there!”
- >Ah, swing and a miss there, Anonymous.
- >Better come back strong on your third point.
- >Clearing your throat you lift a hand and silence the grumbling ponies.
- “And really, are we going to believe that a pair of princesses can control celestial bodies? I mean, they rise and fall on their own where I come from, so unless the rules of the universe have changed, then life should continue if they’re around or not.”
- >The crowd descends into a stunned silence.
- >Wide eyes and gaping mouths threaten to swallow you whole in every direction.
- >“B-b-blasphemer!”
- >Well crap.
- >“His blasphemous words…”
- >“So cold, so calloused against the Princesses.”
- >“He must be the warrior of legend!”
- >Silence fills the air a moment longer before being ripped apart with a raucous cheer.
- >“Finally! Someone to look out for us working-class ponies!”
- >“A hero of the people!”
- >“Huzzah! Huzzah! Anonymous shall cast down the Princesses with his masterful intellect!”
- “Now, now hold on a minute folks…”
- >“Please, Anonymous! Command us, we are your legion!”
- >This has quickly gotten out of hand.
- “If you would just listen…”
- >“We hear you, Anonymous! Your words embolden us!”
- “I’d appreciate it if you’d strike the last thing I said.”
- >“Strike! He wants us to strike!”
- “No, what I want”
- >“Tell us where, oh mighty Hero! For the glory of Anonymous!”
- >Another cheer erupts from the crowd and you throw your hands up in disgust.
- >They mimic the motion, without breaking the roar of celebration.
- >Shaking your head, you grumble to yourself.
- “This is a real mess, it is.”
- >Looks like it’s going to be one hell of a week.
- Malous;
- Pinkie wants to try on Anon’s hat. Badly.
- >She’s squirming again.
- >Not too surprising to be honest, this is Pinkie Pie that we’re talking about.
- >Squirming in place is more or less her natural state.
- >But she’s got her eyes locked on you, and that s never a good thing.
- >With all her wriggling, she scoots up next to you, going so far as to force herself under the crook of your arm.
- >Holding her head upside down, she flashes you her best, pleading grin.
- >“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
- >Coughing a few times, she picks right back up where she left off.
- >“eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
- >An abrupt sniffle, then back to work.
- >“eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese?”
- “…No.”
- >Like a helium filled balloon with a loose neck, Pinkie expels air with a whistling, wooshing sound, to the point where it actually propels her across to the other side of the bench.
- >Setting her lips in a line, she averts her eyes from you.
- >Just as the silence settles in, she turns back.
- >“Just for a minute?”
- “No.”
- >“But”
- “Not at all.”
- >“But it’s so neat looking!”
- >You smirk, adjusting your top hat and chuckling.
- “It’s more than ‘neat looking’ my dear. It’s part of my gentlemen’s ensemble. A man without his hat, is hardly a man at all. That’s why you can’t have it.”
- >Pinkie nods, in understanding, and you both return to pony watching.
- >It’s a stretch for Pinkie to sit still this long, but you both enjoy the other’s company, so she makes time for it.
- >She makes it a good thirty minutes before speaking again.
- >“Hey Anon?”
- >Holding back a sigh, you turn to face the pink mare.
- >She gazes back at you with dozens of liquid eyes.
- >Her vertical maw stretches from muzzle to well underneath her mane.
- >Razor sharp fangs glint as her mouth gapes, a toothy vagina that only the darkest of nightmares could conjure.
- >“Gimmie your HAT!”
- >The squelching screech sends you staggering back from the bench, tumbling end over end.
- >Sprawled out against the grass, you can feel your heart pumping its way up into your throat, as if trying to claw a path out of your mouth.
- “Help, help! Please!”
- >A frantic search of the area reveals that the Ponyville Park has given way to a land of terrors.
- >Under a half-eclipsed sun, obsidian spires glint, reflecting the deathly still light upon the craggy ground.
- >The grass under your form is thick with reeds and weeds, jabbing relentlessly into your back.
- >And the ponies…
- >Monstrosities turn in your general direction.
- >Some, like Blinkie Pie, with countless terrible eyes.
- >Others with none at all.
- >Twisted, contorted, and
- >deep within their distorted bodies
- >holding a ravenous hunger.
- >Eye Pie leaps upon your chest, throttling your throat with her jagged hooves.
- >“HAT!”
- >With a scream of terror, you remove the top hat and place it on her head.
- >In a blink, the world has returned to its pastel state.
- >Passing by ponies stare at the strange pair you and Pinkie make.
- >She, however, is far too entranced by your hat.
- >Giggling, she turns the silk ornament around in her hooves with a manual dexterity that should not be gifted to hooved creatures.
- >A few twists and poses, and she seems placated.
- >“Thanks, Non-non. Here’s your hat!”
- >Managing a weak smile, you shake your head.
- “P-please. Keep it, just in case you want to see it again.”
- >With a happy cheer, the pink pony wiggles off of you and moves back to the bench.
- >Without a look backwards, you go home and hang yourself.
- >There are some things mortals should not be privy to.
- >Hopefully you can re-roll for higher Sanity next time.
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