Hanako - Old Beginnings

I don't know how long it's been.  Time doesn't matter.  Nothing does.

THEY don't help with it at all.  All they do is feed me the same lies and empty words.  I'd rather they didn't speak at all.
"It's not your fault."
"They're happy."
"You're a beautiful girl."
"It's all right."

All lies.  I know I killed them.  I know it's not all right.

It is the other kids of the orphanage, and not the adults, that know the truth.  I'm a monster.  A freak.  They're right to shout such things at me, while throwing whatever's at hand towards my unnatural form, or just running away from it altogether.

That's the smartest idea.  Running away.  Best not to stay too close, or I'll summon fire and burn them up.  I remember when a kid said that.  I actually laughed, before breaking into the usual fit of tears, running to my room, and having one of the grown-ups rush in to my aid.

It never ends.  It's always the same thing, played out in different forms.

As such, time has entirely escaped me.

One morning, I'm startled out of my sleep by someone entering into my room.  It's Ayane, one of the grown-ups who's visited me the most out of the others.  She's nice and thoughtful and is always eager to talk to me, with a smile on her face.

I hate her.

I don't move, pretending to remain asleep.  However, out of the corner of my barely-open eye, I see something brightly colored in her hand.  My curiosity overtakes me and, deciding that she'd probably have seen me shaking anyway, I get up and take a closer look.  It's a cupcake, decorated with multiple shades of chocolate frosting.

"Good morning, Hanako," she says softly, proceeding to sit on the chair near my bed.  "How are you feeling?"

I ignore her question, but know that staying silent won't help.  "Wh-what's... what's that?" I mutter, pointing to the treat she's holding.

Her smile increases as she answers.  "It's a cupcake, of course.  I made it myself, with my own recipe.  I made enough for everyone, but thought you should have the first."

I can't help but think how unusual this is.  I've never encountered an approach like this in all of my time here.  "But... w-why?"

Her eyebrows raise up in genuine surprise.  "Oh?  It didn't occur to me that you might not know.  It's your Birthday today, Hanako."

So that's it.  This is the day I was born, many years back.  I did not bother to keep track, and if I did, I would've dreaded it even more.  I don't want to celebrate my birth, or my life.  Even the thought of it makes me wish I were dead even more.

I yank my covers back over me, cringing towards the side of the bed.  My body is shaking more now.  I don't know what to say.  I just want her to leave.

I can sense Ayane's warmth leaning closer to me, followed by her voice.  "Hanako, are you alright?  Why are you shying away?"

"Stop it!  Just leave me alone!" I shout, my words backed by sobbing.

I flinch as I feel her hand touch my shoulder.  She speaks again, even more gently than before.  "I don't understand.  Don't you like Birthdays?  This is your day, Hanako.  The one time a year where everyone shows how much they care."

"No!  I don't like them!  I don't want this!  I don't want a Birthday!"  I want to scream at her, I want to hit her, even.  But I just stay cowered under my covers, hoping she'll give up and leave.

To my shock, I hear her laugh, louder than I've heard her ever laugh before.  She stops, and then begins to speak again.  "You know, I heard this interesting song once, 'it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.'  You can do whatever you want today, Hanako.  Anything.  I can let you be alone, but know that I'll be around in case you want anything.  Is that okay with you?"

After a few moments of consideration, I nod, figuring that she can see it through my covers.

It seems that she does, as I hear her stand up, followed by a response.  "All right.  I'll leave this here for you.  I'll see you later, and please, have a Happy Birthday, Hanako."

She leaves the room.  I wait a minute or two for any other possible interruption, then crawl out of my covers.  I spot the cupcake she showed me, sitting on the small dresser next to my bed.  I pick it up and look it over carefully.

I've never seen this much frosting on a cupcake.  And it's swirled in a really pretty way, coming out to a point right at the top.  It looks impressive, and admittedly, tasty.

I want to throw it at the wall, I'm sure it'd make a nice splatter.  As I ready myself to do that, I begin having second thoughts, and look over it again.  Did she know I had a soft spot for chocolate?  Failing to disregard my curiosity, as well as my oncoming morning hunger, I take a bite.

A special recipe, she says?  It shows.  It's the tastiest cupcake I've ever eaten.  I'm unable to help myself as I munch the whole thing down in short order.

The day goes on for a while without much event.  I'm sure the rest of the kids are out mingling and playing, but I stay here.  It does no good to even poke my head out.  I wouldn't be a part of it.  I kill the fun for the rest of them every time.

As I'm imagining what activity they might be having fun with today, the door opens again.  Ayane pushes through it, her usual smile on her face.

"Hello again, Hanako, how have you been?"

I give her no response, as usual.  There's never a point to casually telling her how miserable I feel, even if I could find the words for it.

After a few moments of silence, she speaks up again.  "Hanako... I don't know how to tell you this, but I've been a little troubled."

I pull the blanket away from my eyes to glance at her.  "Y-you... troubled?"

She nods.  "Yes.  You see, I arranged something very important, and everything was lined up, but even with all of the effort I put out, I don't know if it's going to work out."

She glances to the side momentarily, her face a little scrunched up, clearly worried about whatever she'd planned.  It was unusual to see her make faces like that.  I'm used to her being overly confident and sure all of the time.  Fueled by curiosity, I speak up.  "Wh... what is it you planned?"

Ayane smiles and places a hand on my knee.  "I saw a beautiful flower.  And I wanted to pick it, and show it to everyone."  Her grip on my knee becomes a little firmer.  "I didn't realize, though, that I couldn't pick this flower.  No matter how beautiful it was.  I regretted doing so."

My face brightens up a little.  "A f-flower, huh?  I wanna see!"

Ayane shakes her head in response, while letting out a chuckle.  "Heh, well, I don't know if you'd like the flower as it is.  I couldn't water it for a while.  Might you look down on it?  See it as wilted?  As imperfect?"

I lower my head as I shake it, a little confused by her questions.  "I dunno... I-I mean, I haven't seen the flower yet."

"Well, I already told you it might be odd, would that make you worried about looking at it?"

I nod, tugging on her arm to show my enthusiasm.  "Nuh-uh!  I just wanna s-see it.  Can I?  Please?"

Ayane puts a hand to her cheek and lets out a giggle.  "All right.  But it's out there in the room.  I'll show it to you later, whenever you want to come out, okay?"

I lower my head in a half-nod.  Ayane leaves my room without another word.

Even if I don't go out there, I'll probably get bothered again.  I guess I have no choice.

I open the door, and see so much color all around me.  Streams of paper hung all over the walls, kids having fun with games, lots of laughing and joy.

They look like they're enjoying themselves fine without me.

I start to turn back to my room, but feel a hand on my shoulder.  It feels big, like a grown-ups, so I don't flinch too much.  I still shiver a little though, until I see that it's just Ayane again.

"Hi, Hanako!  There you are!  Come with me!"

I shake my head.  "N-no.  What?  Where?"

She waves her hand rapidly, indicating a pile of presents on the opposite side of the room.  "Over there!  The other kids are dying to see you open the presents we all got for you!"

"P-presents?  Th-they got them for me?"  I can't believe it.  But Ayane never lied to me before, so I let her hold my hand and lead me to the table.

"There she is!"

"Birthday girl!"

"Hi Hanako!"

"Hey!"  A boy comes forward from the small crowd.  I know him.  He's Shinji.  Short kid with kind of messy hair.  Past that, all I know is he's one of many boys who have called me names, or pushed me in the dirt, or even spat on me.  I don't know which, but I back off from him all the same.

I stop when I see him frown and hold up a present.  He gulps quietly, and then speaks up.  "I'm sorry Hanako.  I wanted to show you I'm sorry, so I asked some people, and they told me I should pick something I really think matters!  I... I wanted to pick a good one.  Please take it?"

He's stretching his arms out, eyes closed.  I don't know if he'll move again unless I take that box.  So I do.

I pause for a moment before tearing off the wrapping and pulling out the contents.  It's a doll, adorned with beautiful bronze hair and a delicate-feeling dark brown dress.

I was worried about a joke, but I never expected anything like this.  My eyes and mouth open wide.

I hold it a little closer to me, while looking back at Shinji.  "I-it's... very pretty."

Shinji gives me a bow, something I've never seen anyone besides a grown-up give.  "I-I thought so too!  Actually... it's a gift I got from my mom... but I dunno if I like dolls!  I thought you wouldn't mind having it..."

I nod, considering what he said.  "F... from your mom?"  I pause and shiver a little.  Tears come to my eyes.

I'm so scared of these kids... but they're stuck here, just like me, because my parents died.  Did the same happen to theirs?  I don't know, and I don't wanna ask.

I keep calm and nod, giving him the biggest smile I can.  "Thanks!  I love it!  I'll keep it forever and ever!"

The rest of the day is confusing, but makes me happy.  All of the gifts I get are nice, and I get to play all of the games with them.  They let me go first!

After the day is over and all of us are tucked in, everything gets quiet once again.

I don't know what tomorrow's gonna be like.  I'm scared the others will tease me again.  But I have some hope that they won't.  I guess in the morning, I'll have to step out there myself and see.

But for now, I hold the softly-clothed doll against me, sighing softly and thinking about the events of the day, until I fall into a peaceful sleep.