Mind

My mind is filled with nightmares, that just aren't expressed as often as they should be. The nightmares I have often get paired with the realities of my day, and this makes it increasingly difficult to decipher what's truly real. Not so much in the sense of what is actual reality, but if I am simply just moving along a path that is guided for me. My dreams, often nightmares, show me a world of cruel reality, what the end results may be, and they slowly eat me alive. My subconcious is telling me something, it's pulling me deep into the catacombs of my infinite mind.
I am very collected and to myself. No one truly knows who I really am, I don't really even know who I really am. The things that pass through my mind on given days, paranoia, fear, what-ifs, I feel like I am criminally insane. The constant repeating messages in my head that never end, how come no one has figured me out yet.
I've tried googling and researching my issues, but no one quite has the same mind as me, or at least they don't want to express it. It makes sense though, who would want to talk about how fucked up their mind is. How they can simply glance at someone and picture them dying 10 different ways, or if they are secretly judging you. I can read their minds more often then not. I am no psychic by far but I can takes someones slight facial expression and evaluate and react before they even know they are predictable.
I can judge someone in a matter of seconds, not negatively always, but I always know who the good and bad are. Now my actions that follow up are not necessarily what they should be, but I like it that way. It creates trust, trust people think they understand between us but truly, I will do anything to use that against them if given the opportunity.
That is where I think I fuck up a little, or not so much where I fuck up, but where I am fucked up. I like being able to manipulate people, and let people assume they understand my veil, while underneath there is an enigma. Simple really, they will never understand me, they will never crack the code to my subconcious and the true intentions under my veil.
I crack often now though. My true emotions come out, sometimes violet, but never over the top, at least not yet. Usually it's in frustration, frustration comes quickly for me now. Other ways are depression and embarassment. The depression I feel is justifiable. The embarassment is hard to explain. I don't like being the center of attention, quite frankly I rather be left alone for the rest of my life with a stable food, water, and internet source then have anything else.
Attention, quite the subject. People always seem to think I want to be the center of attention. I cracked that veil on my 21st birthday. I shut down, I didn't want anyone even remotely near me. They tried to change who I am, and when that happens I crack. That's why I need an ideal match if I am to find one who I will spend the rest of my life with, if I even go that route one day. I need someone who won't bend me till I break.
That 21st birthday, I learned more about myself. I don't want to extrovert whatsoever, I dont want to be anything like that. I rather sit and reclude in my mind and watch my surroundings as closely as I always have all my life then let me guard now and enable me to slip into a worse situation and mind state. I think I am making the right decision.
It's funny when people don't think I am serious. I play that mask the best. I will be 100% serious about something, judge someones reaction, and instantly make it as if I never had the slightest intention to beckon them. That is my favorite trick. I gain pity, trust, and appreciation, for doing nothing more then fucking their mind.
When I hear someone say that they know me, who do you know? I always want to ask that question, few times I even have. The puzzled look as they try to explain it. Or they simply try to mutter out "Oh I know you." Fat chance. My mind is such a complex swirling cauldron of thought and creation. I love to create things from nothing in my mind, and make the scenario the biggest part of my day.
This is something I feel contributing towards my nightmares, the horrors that plague my night, and haunt my days. It's kind of weird I guess. I dream of something and then all of a sudden something nearly identical happens. I feel its just my subconcious making me more wary of something to come, and then the Deja Vu ensues, or moreso Jamais Vu.
I've never halleucinated, but my nightmares sometimes are so vivid that I feel like it could of been another day in my life. And sometimes my past haunts me. There is so many things I've kept secret all my life, and didn't want to tell a soul. That's why I type it, so I can feel like I am telling someone. God forbid someone reads this I will be hopped up so much on medication it would make my world spin.
Guns held to my head, being told I was going to die, heavy illness, deep depression, seeing men and woman dying/dead (That's one story I've never told, or at least I don't think. I definitely never told my parents). The ways I've gotten out of these situations are so blurry, and the things I wish I did probably would of landed me in a different path in life, a colder one. But sometimes in the darkest darkness, you can find the smallest shimmer of light that keeps you moving towards the hope of brighter and brighter light.
I fear my sleep. I really do, maybe that's the issue with my insomnia. Subconciously I fear it, but then my subconcious attacks me anyways. Perhaps there is a little door in there that a long man guards from all the monsters within, and time to time they squeeze through the cracks despite his best efforts.