Getting Tappered Out (Wreck-It Ralph fic)

	Just a few days after the short-term lockdown of Hero's Duty, Ralph, Felix, and Hartell were headed to Tapper's after the arcade had closed for the night. Ralph, in particular, had been feeling a lot of stress lately. This was not only due to the recent crisis with Hero's Duty, but also because of his run-in with Calhoun in Sugar Rush about a week prior to that, which had ended with her kneecapping him. He had suggested a "guys' night" to Felix, and Felix thought to invite Hartell as well. The three planned to spend the night chugging root beer and listening to each other's problems.
	Ralph opened up the door and was greeted by Tapper. "Hey, Ralph!" Tapper was cleaning some mugs during a bit of slow time.
	"Hey. I brought a couple of pals this time around," Ralph greeted, while gesturing to Felix and Hartell. The three of them each sat on a stool near Tapper.
	"No candy girl today?" Tapper asked with a grin.
	"Nope. I told her that tonight is guys' night. She didn't seem to mind," Ralph told.
	"Sounds like a stage in one of Sonic's games. 'Friend Zone' or something like that."
	Ralph scowled at Tapper. "Oh, ha ha. You, more than anyone, ought to know that she and I are, and always will be, JUST friends."
	"Just kidding, Ralph. Here." Tapper slid a mug of root beer in Ralph's direction, and begin pouring a couple of mugs for Felix and Hartell as well. Ralph grabbed it and took a big swig.
	Felix sighed. "Yesterday...whew. Still a little shaken. It all happened so fast."
	Hartell looked over at him. "What, the whole beacon sabotage thing? I had it under control the WHOLE time. Mostly."
	"...Oh? Yeah, I guess that was a little nerve-wracking too, but--"
	"Wait. What else could have happened yesterday to get you all shaken up worse than that little incident?"
	"Well..." Felix coughed. Ralph looked at him and gave him the thumbs up. "That sergeant of yours is very strict, Hartell."
	"She is," Hartell agreed. "She's always ripping on me about SOMETHING." Ralph and Felix smiled at one another. Although Hartell wasn't as young as the Sugar Rush kids, he was still young enough to be naive when it came to the world of adults. Tapper passed a mug of root beer each over to Felix and Hartell, and started pouring a second one for Ralph. Ralph took another swig and looked around. He noticed three familiar faces sitting at a booth: Rancis, Gloyd, and Swizzle, from Sugar Rush. Felix recognized them as well and waved, before motioning for them to come over. The three kids looked at one another, shrugged, and got up, bringing their root beers with them. They walked over to the bar and sat down next to Ralph's group.
	"We're having a guys' night," Rancis informed. "So I guess the more, the merrier."
	"Huh. Us too, actually," Ralph replied.
	"How's things been, Ralph?" Swizzle asked.
	Ralph finished his current mug and set it down. "Well...I guess I really can't complain much. There's been a lot of trouble lately; but in the end, no one got badly hurt, no games got unplugged--"
	"Well, one did, not too long ago." Felix sighed, looking at the floor.
	"...Okay, yeah, but it had a good run though, right?!" Ralph hastily asked.
	Felix closed his eyes, and then smiled. "Yes...it did. And I'm sure it was for the best. Better than dragging on the poor guy's torment."
	Gloyd smacked his hand on the counter. "Oh, c'mon, I'm no good with this sappy, depressing sort of thing." He chugged his entire mug of root beer. "Someone tell a funny story or something."
	"Save that for later," Swizzle advised. He then pulled a few bags out of his pockets. "I brought something even more entertaining!" After opening one of the bags up, he poured its contents onto the counter; a whole lot of small, blue pellets.
	Rancis went wide-eyed. "Swizzle, are those--"
	 "Whoa, BLUE SMARTIES?!" Gloyd exclaimed.
	"What can I say, I like to live on the edge," Swizzle told, having a chug of root beer.
	Ralph looked at the Smarties, puzzled. "Okay, blue Smarties. I'm clearly missing something here."
	"These things get you hopped up like CRAZY, Ralph...!!" Gloyd informed, eyeing the candies.
	"Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that candy can do that?" Ralph grabbed a small handful of the blue Smarties and poured them into his mouth. He chewed for a bit. "....Not really feeling it here, kids. Hey, Tapper! More root beer!" Ralph grabbed his second mug as Tapper was pouring the third. Ralph chugged the whole thing in one go, before burping loudly right next to Hartell's ear.
	"Screw off," Hartell complained. Ralph shrugged.
	"Okay, so maybe the rumors about these things were all lies, after all," Rancis commented, grabbing a handful and eating them. After swallowing, he started twitching a little. He seemed to be unaffected other than that, however, and took a sip of root beer. Swizzle and Gloyd each took a handful as well. Hartell and Felix took just a few each.

	Ten minutes or so had passed since the blue Smarties were brought out. Rancis had a stupid grin on his face. "Hey, Gloyd!"
	"....Yeah?"
	"Gloyd!"
	"What is it?"
	"GLOYD!!"
	"WHAT?!"
	"...I got a funny story."
	Gloyd rubbed his forehead a little. "Okay, let's hear it."
	Rancis laughed a little. "....Remember when Merin was racing for the first time, and that Hero's Duty lady showed up on the track?"
	Gloyd blinked. "Oh, that!...Yeah, a little. And?"
	"That was all me."
	"Huh?"
	"Okay, actually, it was all Taffyta, but I TOTALLY helped seal the deal."
	"What did you do?"
	Rancis burst out laughing. "That's the kicker! I don't even REMEMBER!" Felix was about to laugh, but covered his mouth.
	Gloyd stared in disbelief. "Dude...that wasn't funny at all...."
	"No no, wait wait," Rancis continued, eating some more blue Smarties. "After we did all that begging, and the race got going the next night, she ACTUALLY showed up! And she tried to shoot Merin in the face! Every time I think about that, I just...hehehehe...!!" Rancis grabbed another handful of Smarties. Swizzle dumped out another bag on the bar counter.
	Hartell glared at Rancis. "Waaiiit...you did WHAT to Merin?"
	Rancis looked at him. "What, weren't you listening? You're hopeless. I said that Taffyta and me...oh, Candlehead was there too...talked to that Hero's Duty lady...Calhoun! That's her name! Why do I always forget her name...?" Rancis took anther sip of root beer. "But yeah, we talked Calhoun into trying to gun Merin down during the race so that he--" Hartell quickly drew his pistol and fired at Rancis; the energy shot flew past the side of his head and hit a wall. Rancis had a look of terror in his eyes, despite his current lack of presence of mind.
	"Sorry, my hand slipped," Hartell stated. He put his pistol away and took a swig of root beer.
	Ralph burped. "C'mon, guys, we're all adults here...well, except for the kids, but..." Ralph downed another entire mug of root beer in one go.
	Rancis looked over at Ralph with disgust. "I don't see what Vanellope sees in a guy like you."
	"Whaddya mean by that?" Ralph asked.
	"She's always going on and on, Ralph this, Ralph that..." Rancis grumbled. "Barely even talks to me anymore, even though she was so into me!"
	Ralph chuckled. "Kid, just because she helped you build a kart doesn't mean she's INTO you."
	"Quiet, you! You weren't there! The way she looked at me..." Rancis was off in his own dream world at this point.
	Swizzle grinned. "Speaking of, how are you all doing with the ladies? Mainly interested in the adults' answers, of course."
	"I'm plenty adult!" Gloyd bragged. "I had a date with Birdo recently--"
	"....Who is a dude," Swizzle pointed out.
	"Shut up! And the next night, I hooked up with Bridget--"
	"...Who is ALSO a dude," Swizzle laughed.
	"Will you shut up already?" Gloyd growled. "At least I don't get mistaken for a girl by the players, unlike you!"
	"It's not my fault that the players are so....behind the times," Swizzle replied. "Just don't ask me out. Please. I'm only into girls."
	"Like I would. I'd rather go for--"
	"Merin?"
	"Yeah, Merin's cute!"
	"Merin's ALSO a boy, remember?"
	"....DAMN IT ALL!" Gloyd cursed, slamming his forehead onto the counter. He laid there, groaning.
	Swizzle looked at Hartell. "Speaking of Merin, I've heard that he visits Hero's Duty, and that he spends a lot of time with with a really short marine." Hartell spat out of the root beer that he had just taken a sip of, hitting Tapper in the face with backwash. "So, do you....LIKE him?"
	"I like him better than all you other Sugar Rush kids, based on what I've SEEN..." Hartell narrowed his eyes at Swizzle.
	"Do you want to....KISS him?" Swizzle asked with a grin. Hartell's eye twitched. "Right, military guy. I forgot. Don't ask, don't tell, right?" Hartell gritted his teeth as his hand started shaking; he resisted the urge to draw his pistol. Swizzle then looked at Felix. "How about you? You and Calhoun are married! You've gotta have some good stories!"
	Felix chuckled. "Not for kids!"
	"Oh, c'mon! We're all buddies here!"
	"Youth doesn't last forever!" Felix exclaimed. "You should enjoy it while you've got it!"
	"Except that we don't really age, Felix," Ralph commented.
	"Ralph! You gotta have a great story. Maybe something about you and Vanellope?" Swizzle asked.
	"I don't get it..." Ralph chugged some more root beer and burped. "Why does everyone think she and I are--"
	"NO WAY!" Rancis interrupted. "I don't want to hear what you've been doing with her!"
	"Will you can it, already?" Ralph sighed. "We haven't DONE anything. You really gotta get this jeal--"
	Rancis glared at Ralph. "I'm not jealous!"
	"Okay."
	Rancis continued to eye Ralph. He ate another handful of blue Smarties. "Vanellope must be into strong guys....so if I beat you up, she'll be all over me!"
	Felix raised an eyebrow. "You...didn't pay attention much to the whole King-Candy-slash-Turbo incident, huh?" Rancis ignored Felix and slid off of his stool.
	"C'mon, Ralph, let's go!" Rancis imitated Ryu's fighting stance from Street Fighter II.
	"Are you serious...?" Ralph groaned, chugging another mug of root beer. "You're just gonna get hurt..." Rancis punched Ralph in the knee. Ralph ignored him. Picking up the pace, Rancis threw several more punches, aiming at the same spot. A small instance of pain made Ralph twitch a bit, as Rancis was hitting one of the spots that Calhoun had shot when they ran into one another in Sugar Rush. "Okay, you stop that right now."
	"Why should I?" Rancis asked. He punched Ralph a few more times in the same spot. Ralph growled, grabbed Rancis, and threw him into a table, knocking the table over. Gloyd and Swizzle both got up and jogged over to where Rancis was laying.
	"Calm down, man!" Swizzle told. "Rancis didn't MEAN anything. He's just sorta...loopy right now. 'Cuz these little things are so good!" Swizzle ate a handful of blue smarties, as did Gloyd. Ralph chugged down yet another mug of root beer, then walked over to the group of racers. He knelt down in front of them, before promptly belching in their faces at almost point blank range.
	"Oh god, what is that smell...?" Gloyd covered his mouth.
	"That's....NASTY!" Swizzle complained.
	Rancis got back up. "C'mon, guys, let's gang up on him!" Rancis then jumped on Ralph. Swizzle and Gloyd looked at each other, shrugged, and also lunged at Ralph. The three kids used their speed to avoid Ralph's hands and kicked him repeatedly. Ralph slammed his fist into the floor before picking up a table and swinging it around wildly.
	"What is you guys' PROBLEM?!" Hartell shouted, drawing his carbine and firing off a few warning shots.
	"No blasters! No blasters!" Tapper cried, ducking for cover behind the bar.
	"Guys, guys!" Felix grabbed a few more blue Smarties for himself before getting up. He chowed them down before continuing. "We were all getting along so well! Why are..." Felix went quiet as his eyelids got heavy. He fell over, hitting his head on a stool on the way down and promptly dozing off. Ralph had lost his balance after spinning too much and threw the table through a window before falling onto his back, making a terrible burp-liked sound and coughing up some root beer. Hartell continued to fire warning shots at the three Sugar Rush kids, when suddenly, a loud whistle was heard from Tapper. The other patrons looked a little nervous as a tall, muscular figure entered the room.
	The man stood in front of the group and spoke in a Russian accent. "So....you all are acting like bad guys. That does not mean you bad GUYS...but it does mean Zangief has to throw you out." Hartell had a look of terror on his face as Zangief grabbed him by the throat and the sleeping Felix by the collar. He walked over to the door, kicked it open, and threw the two onto the pavement outside. Zangief then grabbed the three Sugar Rush kids in a bear hug, walked over to the doorway, and spun around a few times before throwing them onto Hartell and Felix. When it came to Ralph's turn, Zangief struggled to lift him, but managed to bring him outside before gripping him tightly and performing a spinning piledriver, slamming the sick Ralph on top of the five others. Afterward, Zangief collected the table that had flown out the window and went back inside, closing the door behind him.

	A few hours later, Felix woke up to see a hurling Ralph and 4 other guys, all groaning in pain and laying on the ground among scattered blue Smarties. "Uh....does someone maybe want to tell me what I missed....?" Felix asked, laughing slightly.

- The End -