Journal

“Les hommes ont oublié cette vérité. Mais tu ne dois pas l’oublier. Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.”

05-30-10
How did we get so mean? To here; all of you, how did we get here? I love you. I’ve heard these words repeatedly. It’s a rerun, I’ve seen this episode a thousand times and I don’t like how it ends. You’re crazy, all of you, but I still can’t hate but noticing that I’m the common denominator in this unbalanced equation. This path hurts but still I find myself on the entrance to the next trail. Am I emotionally masochistic to be guiding myself here? I can’t replace my void of friends with romance. I don’t know how to stay close with anyone that doesn’t want to sleep with me. Being lonely by yourself is a less strenuous experience than the loneliness of spreading yourself out in all directions, branching off bits and pieces of you to the point where you feel so alone and overextended that you don’t even feel as though you are there for yourself anymore. I fake it well. This confidence, this façade of security… or is it my insecurity that is the perennial mask? I do truly feel the warmth of happiness, and I definitely know what it means to be self assured, but on occasion I funnel down in to this concavity. Often these occasions are pre-quelled by the ghosts of thickest limbs long lost. While the connection is gone I can still feel the itch, the tingle, and the weight of the fallen branches. They will never completely fade. I just wish these limbs would take responsibility and appreciate the giver from which they’ve been broken away from.

06-11-10
Of course I don’t trust you. I have been corrupted to trust no one and that especially includes you. Anyone who I even think may have a connection to my heart must suffer the consequences. But you don’t help. You don’t talk to me about things that I think are important but then you want me to share all of my details with you. That’s not fair. I could fall in love with someone like you but not when you breed doubt. Maybe it is my fault though. If I opened up more would you? Maybe all of those times that I feel like your hiding something are really me hiding something. I don’t know if it’s you I don’t trust or if it’s me. Of course, I don’t trust you.

6-24-10
Don’t be surprised I’m not who I used to be. This new me is more true to myself than the old one was. I am a leaf. I started out budding green and new, desperately clinging to the branch which gave me life. With time I was emboldened and began to unfurl the reaches of my being to feel the wind which existed beyond my tree’s protection. With age I began to yearn for the feel of the wind and where it might blow. However my stem is still attached. It bonds me to my creator and I fear that, if I lose the bond with what I know, my green will fade. My spirit does not exist in my stem, it exists in my veins. I tug loose of my branch, every tear forever leaving its mark. I feel the wind growing stronger, encouraging my heedless decision. Flight is indescribable. The sudden gusts, the swirls and spirals incite energy through my being incomparable to the flow from my former stem. The independence of the freefall makes each new gold patch forming on me feel like a badge of honor instead of the blemish I thought it’d be. This gold has more value than the green I had believed was so precious. Fear not this independence, every leaf will follow their own winding journey shifting from green to gold and will eventually float and settle amongst the other leaves, all golden like me, in a glistening, blissful pile.

07-03-10
I made myself throw up today. I stuck my fingers down my throat because I ate Taco Bell. I ate a bacon gordita, a bean burrito, a plain hard taco and some cinnamon twists. Afterwards I shoved my fingers down my throat and vomited. Occasionally I feel over weight at 135 and 5’8. I could stand to lose at least 15lbs. I am over weight and I hate my love handles. I can’t believe I could throw up and clear my nose. This is totally possible. I am very happy. Skinny!!    ((Written drunk Update 07-04-10))

07-04-10
Maybe Grant was right. I don’t want Bear to be a player though. I don’t want to just hook up with him I actually like him and I just want to know that he likes me too. When we’re together I have no doubt but when we’re apart he takes around twenty minutes to answer a text and sounds a little detached. Maybe I’m just insecure but I have over a year before we can go out together without needing a fake id. He drinks a lot which is good and bad but I just want to feel loved like I did with Nilo. But Nilo is gone and he’s not coming back. He is lost to cocaine. What a waste. I hate that he destroyed himself like this. He was such an amazing person and he was destroyed by his insecurity and it scares me to think that if he could spiral like that then it could happen to me too. But I know that I am stronger than him. I hope I am stronger than him. I have the upper-hand in that I would not succumb to addictions like him. Ever.

07-08-10
I am in such a good place right now. The last couple of days have solved all of the stresses that I had in my life. I got an amazing job at the Water Club, my grade is finally fixed, my cousin and I are so close we both feel like we finally have a reliable friend, and my mindset about Bear is impeccable. I’ve revamped my life and my mentality. I have officially chosen bliss. My edges are still browning but it’s a far more delicate process as of late. My contentment even deprives me sleep because I want to be conscience for as long as possible while this feeling persists. I feel viscose in my emotions and flow readily from one situation to another. It’s hard for me to believe I had felt so bad so recently. The days feel like months since then. Everything is still, everything is calm. I float.

07-23-10
I am near perfection. I have a job I enjoy, my school is in perfect shape, my family is talking to me, and I have a wonderful relationship sprouting. I’ve been having trouble sleeping just for the simple fact that I want to be conscience for as long as possible while things are this good. I am advancing and it is a direction I enjoy at an encouraging pace. Part of me wants Bear to be here all the time, but another part relishes in his absence since the lack of him prompts me to focus on myself; and I am in very good shape because of it. I see him every couple of weeks which is just enough and not enough all at the same time. More than anything I have been loving the communication between me and my sisters and the company between me and Grant. It’s just been so frequent recently that anything I’ve been wanting I’ve been able to achieve. I hope this feeling lasts.

08-30-10
I’m disappointed that I let myself get worked up of silly things. I either want any of the romance in my life to be constant and secure or I don’t want anything to do with it at all. It is a damn shame how I can get so excited for something and feel hardly any emotion in return. I don’t know how someone could be in a constant courting ritual with someone and not at least develop some feelings for them. You don’t grab someone and kiss them in the middle of A1A if you have no feelings for them. That was not lustful, that was romantic and that boy is well aware of it. I should never have put ideas in my head. He’s going to Germany anyway and I know I definitely won’t hear from him. I can’t even expect a call and he’s in the same state. That qualifies as mixed signals. I’m tired of bouncing. So tired I’m worried I might settle and I would regret that intensely later. I just need to stop giving myself away to people so fast. Now all I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it’s best that I slow down.

09-16-10
Yes, perfect days exist. I got a job at the number one hotel in downtown Miami, and Bertan acts so real when he calls me drunk. “I haven’t seen you in a while so I’m going to call you and when I get home I’m going to poke you in the forehead.” He gives me palpitations. I think this boy just might be bad for my health. One more month.

09-27-10
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
- Mark Twain's
For mom and dad’s 25th
The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.	- Mark Twain

11-01-10
Very interesting occurrence; the new boyfriend, honestly filling my void until Bertan wants a girlfriend, keeps telling me I’m too skinny. He likes the look of fat girls. I don’t understand this, especially when I am currently at my heaviest ever. I think if I lose weight he will see that curves look bigger when compared to a smaller frame. My nonexistent breasts might appear more appealing if on a perfect body. He told me to get a boob job. He said he’d even pay for it which is completely ridiculous. I mean they’re B’s, it’s not like they are mosquito bites but that is what they’ve been referred to as by multiple people. Amanda doesn’t need to wear a bra. Amanda would be perfect if she had bigger boobs. If you had boobs you might look more girly and more people would want to date you. I’ll buy them for you, it’s cheaper in Peru. That wouldn’t be fair if you had a nice butt and nice boobs. I don’t understand why Sammy likes fat girls. At work they say it’s a Spanish culture thing, but when I ask them to name attractive people they always pick super skinny stars that just look like they have big boobs because of how thin the rest of them is. I can do that. A new month means a new diet, Di Rossi style. Thank you, my fellow Amanda.

11-25-10
I want to get out of here. I want to travel and forget everyone. Some people spend their lives only knowing one person and one place and one way of life. Well I don’t want that. I don’t want the children and the ties and romance anymore. That’s all everyone wants from me is to be romantically involved except Bertan, the one person I would be willing to settle with. He doesn’t want a family or a wife like the rest of them. I would love to nomad all over with him no strings attached. If not I will go by myself. I feel like school is a waste because I don’t think I’m going to end up at some conventional job in a conventional lifestyle anyways. And I won’t be poor even if I don’t get the traditional career because I won’t be having children to suck up all of my time and money. I am a silly American girl with stupid American dreams. I need to move. I want to finish already so I can break away from everything. I need motion.

12-16-10
I am anti-relationships. I want to drift and float from being to being. I have been distant from everyone but family. I’m going to Ohio, then possibly Norway, then even less possibly to China. Let’s get far and see new things. I’ll be seeing snow on Monday. I think the cold will be good for me. Maybe the cold inside me will equalize with the cold outside and the fog in between the two will finally lift.

01-18-10
I’m feeling weird. I want to lose weight. Interesting we were going through pictures and my mom was super skinny. She said ‘you see where you get it from?’ and my dad said to my mother ‘oh you were way skinnier than her.’ Interesting. I have a 24 inch waist so I think it’s my bottom half that makes me look big. I was thinking about water fasting but I can’t seem to stop eating. I think if I try harder I should be able to do it but it’s strange I won’t feel all that hungry but because I am making a conscience effort it’s all I can think about. I thought the weekend would be a good time to start the fast but I don’t think I was in a very conducive environment for it. School may take up enough time that I won’t have to eat and it won’t seem strange. I’ve been really distant from people trying to make relationships with me. I will think I want to start something and then the minute they show interest in me or start to be nice I, inwardly, lose my respect for them. I don’t know what I’m expecting from these people. I don’t want someone I feel that I can walk all over. Sweet effeminate boys don’t impress me. I’ve been drinking a lot lately. This weekend I was at least tipsy every day. It’s kind of hard it just seems like every social activity revolves around alcohol. Not having a job is starting to annoy me. I hate not having money. I just want a job that’s non-committal where I make tips so I can quit and work in Canada for the summer. That’s my real goal right now. Get everything set for Europe.

01-25-11
I’ve been hinting to pretty much everyone but my family about starting a fast. At least that way no one will question anything while I’m not eating. I really need to get off of food. It consumes my thoughts and is disturbing to me that I can’t stop very easily. I don’t know how to throw up so this is the only other option. I was thinking that I could just eat the meal we prepare in my food prep class, and then only eat outside school when other people are around or if I get invited out. That should work out okay. I really miss Bertan. I feel as though I’ve lost someone even though we never really dated officially. I just can’t imagine he could really be interested in someone else. I spoke to him online the other night and he didn’t mention anything about any other girls. I just need to find someone that compares to him. All of the other guys around me fall extremely short by comparison. I still feel as though I am being patient. A good part of me wants to wait for him and another part of me says not to because the timing isn’t right and likely never will be. It’s really upsetting to think about.

02-15-11
I can’t. I don’t want to any more. I don’t care about anything or anyone. I do not want to think about anything. I hate people judging me for that. Fuck Andrew and making things difficult. I don’t give a shit about these stupid people. Fuck them and fuck they’re leaders. I do not want to deal with outside judgment. I cannot even begin to understand. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

03-02-11
Substitution is no consolation for the unrequited. I miss infatuation. I miss knowing his smell, whoever he may be, I miss knowing every curvature of his face, not wanting to stop staring at him. I want to know every hair, every line, each indication, both physical and emotional, that makes him unique and draws me in. I really want nothing from life aside from a person that I completely desire all the time; who can make me happy just by showing his face, who can go on journeys and adventures with me and who I can share my experiences with. I don’t want someone looking for something simple, and I think I have been a little selfish to accept someone who wants something more when I want very little to do with him. I’ve felt real attraction maybe two or three times in my life and it’s not fair to pretend when the other one says he’s really trying. The feeling of overbearing desire should be a shared one. I miss the Nilo I had and the Bertan I never got.

03-06-11
This is such a problem. I had sober sex with Andrew for the first time and it was terrible. I cannot even explain how that feels after the mind blowing sex I had with Bear. I can’t be with someone I don’t enjoy hooking up with. Every move I made with Bertan was matched and felt amazing but with Drew it was like rabbit sex or awkwardness. I can’t. On top of that I ate like a cow today so I feel awful about that, and Kyle called me fat twice. I’m definitely not eating for a while after that. Terrible day. I wish my parents didn’t like him so much.

03-17-11
David Brooks had an excellent speech that spoke about the human mind and emotions, relating it to foreign policy. I think the part where he emphasizes that the intelligent or wise mind is one where emotions are prominent was a brilliant observation. Emotions tell us what to value. He spoke about how helpless people with strokes or lesions in the emotional area of the brain are. Bertan does not have an absence of emotions just because he says he dismisses it. He’s had a lot of issues to deal with in his life and he is brilliant. He’s closed because he is afraid of hurt but he displays all the signs of an emotional thinker. It’s hard for me to describe my feelings about him. I’m infatuated and I wish he would let me in to himself because my interest in him could form in to the kind of love that is necessary for a long lasting and meaningful relationship. He makes everyone else I meet seem second rate and boring. If he let me love him it would be the greatest feeling ever for me and I think it would be infinitely healthy for him. He needs someone like me and I need someone like him.
Unrequited.


03-26-11
So I’ve been hanging out with this boy Cory. He’s a year younger than me though and I didn’t think it would be a big deal but whenever he does something remotely childish I seem to notice. Aside from that, we are fairly similar with how we think and what we believe. However he did open up to me and tell me things about his childhood and family life that were not appealing. I thought I liked him enough to help me get over BJ, I even had a dream where BJ came back from Germany and was all ready to have his hook up buddy back and even asked me out and I told him off for being so cocky. But tonight I had sex with Cory and it was pretty awesome but now that it’s done I found myself thinking about Bear again. Literally my first thought after he finished was along the lines of ‘I wonder when BJ is coming back.’ I could realistically never talk to Cory again and be fine, but BJ has some sort of hold on me. I am really afraid he will never think about me with the same fervor I think about him. Why do I think about him?

04-11-11
“You have a poetic sensibility and an ability to see beyond the day to day. You often seem to be living in a higher realm, or to be not-of-this-earth. Occasionally you imagine interior lives for friends and associates that are near-complete fabrications based on your fears or hopes for the future. You are often not aware of your own feelings. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and because of this are often disappointed. Despite what can sometimes be a destructive inward-turning anger, you are very gentle. You are sometimes a bit out of touch with the ebb and flow of modern life. If your behavior is out of synch with your moral values, a severe psychic disturbance can result. Because connectivity is so important to you, you can become quiet and sulky if you feel that others around do not understand your point of view.”

04-28-11
I am attracted to a man who neither of my sisters approves of because he has a somewhat promiscuous past. I had an awkward night last night with him. I need to slow down think about what I am doing and accept not being in a relationship a little better. I miss having someone to go to who’s always there for me, emotionally and physically.

05-01-11
Obama > Osama


06-04-11
Bertan texted me yesterday. I was first to hear he was back in the states. No coincidence.

07-26-11
I don’t know if it is the caffeine or the adrenaline but I haven’t slept all night. I didn’t even begin to get sleepy. On the ride home from Grant’s today me and Bear talked about moving in with each other when I get back from Norway. Everything feels incredible right now. I’m living my dream of travelling and could have something fantastic to look forward to when I get back. If we lived together I could have the attention I want from him without having to label anything or deal with any of the issues of emotions. Everything would have a reason for being and it could be because of something other than feelings. I just want to lie in this flood of good feelings forever. I think I can’t sleep because I don’t want to miss any of it. Shakespeare’s sonnet 138.

09-25-11
It has been a while. I am definitely in a good mood though. I love travelling. I am disappointed however with how the French people act. They are very rude for the most part and I had idealized their culture, but I guess it was their culture of old that I would’ve liked. I miss my Turk. He broke up with his girlfriend which is absolutely lovely. I really hope I’m not disappointed when I get home because I am really looking forward to it.

01-23-12
Well. It has been a while and for good reason. I’ve been having troubles when in Norway as far as Bertan goes. Haven’t even seen him since I’ve been back and after what he talked to me about in Sweden I doubt I will be seeing him again. Been slightly depressed and avidly moving on. I have met another guy though, [anon] from trivia. I don’t know what it is but he reminds me of Bertan and Grant. He’s like a mixture of the two without Grant’s eagerness and without Bertan’s sociopathic behavior. He is very serious though, which can be a good thing, but he has also never had a girlfriend. I doubt that means he’s never had sex which would be a little bit uncomfortable for me. For some reason he thinks he can give others great relationship advice though. This is somewhat contradictory if you ask me. He is very smart and quite adorable so it makes me wonder what exactly he’s looking for in a girl if he’s gone 23 years so far without anyone impressing him yet. It is hard to think the best of men in general especially after seeing that even abroad they all act the same. Morten didn’t even try to see me the night I left. They all talk a lot of game and it means mostly nothing. But that’s fine. I play them too.

2-7-12
Hfa?

2-16-12
Saw Bertan on Valentine’s Day… of course that would be the day I run in to him. Surprisingly though it went way better than expected. I ignored him and he ended up texting me and then we had a long conversation/me playfully yelling at him and it all went way better than I thought. We’ll see if I run in to him on Tuesday. I met Brant after Bertan left though and he is super sweet. If it doesn’t work out eventually with Bear, Brant would be really fantastic.

3-13-12
After one of the worst nights I can’t remember I have been sober for three days. Progress. Caffeine will be my new rush. Ha. I want to get back to more innocence. Maybe even innocent enough to be steadily dating Bulent.  He read me surprisingly well for not knowing me that much. Maybe I need someone softer than myself.

6-2-12
Absolutely incredible, haven’t been on here in quite a while. I haven’t read any of my previous entries lately and don’t plan on it until after writing this one. It’ll be less contaminated that way. A lot has been on my mind recently. I’ve been dealing with dating Bertan and him having trouble being able to admit when he wants a relationship. He claims that any time he ‘officially’ dates someone it goes horribly wrong and that it ‘ruins everything’. He also was very uncomfortable with the fact that I want to make him happy. He seems unable to remember when he was last genuinely happy. Relying on someone else to make you happy is ‘stupid’. He’s so damaged. I’ll deal with it. Aside from a title, which I am really not that concerned about, I have just about everything I would want from our relationship. September 13, 2019. He can see himself with me indefinitely and I think that bothers him quite a bit. I’m patient. Clearly.
I am also concerned about graduating this December. I’m in the process of finding an internship and I would really like to make it one that I could actually profit from and potentially keep in to a career. I hope my sources work out. I just have never not had plans before, and after December and my sister getting married in February, I really have no obligations to anything. That amount of freedom is really appealing and really overwhelming all at once. I also keep my desire for a stable work schedule in mind only for developing relationships; both with my family and Bertan. I still have my inner gypsy, travel bugged soul but it is an understandable sacrifice to give up travelling the world teaching English or something, in exchange for the security of never feeling alone. There’s something about a long term relationship that the dozens of intermittent or temporary ones developed during travel just doesn’t have.
I’m taking Patricia out tomorrow on a brunch date. I feel so distant from her. The closest I’ve felt to her recently was when she helped me with my resume. Over email. Her words are so rehearsed. I hope tomorrow to be able to talk to her about things that are more emotional and real and hopefully feel like she’s my sister again.
Rebecca has been increasingly frustrating. I feel like I’m watching her dig herself deeper and deeper in to a rut. She’s reverting in things- or maybe I’m just advancing and she’s staying the same, but she acts more and more like a younger sibling than me. I want her to take care of herself. I want her to do good things and be proud and happy and care a little more about herself physically.
On that note, I am dying to move out. I don’t know whether this internship I need will be paid or not though. However, Bertan said his dad owns an apartment off of Oakland Park and once his friend stops using it that would be a fantastic opportunity for free rent and living with the man that I want to spend all of my time with anyway.
I watched a TED talk that made me rethink the way that I perceive how I act on the internet. Of course, it’s way less censored here because this is private, but on Facebook and things like that I noticed as soon as it was pointed out that I was indeed making digital fingerprints of what I want people to remember me by. Vain to think that anyone would painstakingly scan through the years of posts and likes and comments just to understand me, but still, it really is a semiconscious action I have been taking so that people who would do that get the idea of me that I want them to have. Nobody ever truly knows anybody else. We are all actors trying to play the role that we so desire to fit.