A Rock and a Hard Place (Gilda)

    >Great. Grand. Fabufreakintastic.
    >She's out there, cussing at you, poking that murder-beak of hers into the small, rocky crevice you've lodged yourself in, like some psychotic, belligerent finch digging at larva.
    >You've seen too many nature documentaries to know how this is probably going to end.
    "I'M GONNA USE YOUR INNARDS AS WINDOW DRESSING, YOU HEAR ME?"
    >"Everyone in the gorge can hear you."
    >She shoves a claw into slim opening, you back away, using what precious little micrometers are left to you. You know she can't reach you, but still, those claws are making some crazy-deep scratch marks in the rock.
    >"You're too fat, babe, can't get me." You stick your tongue out. She gives you a look dirty enough to defile a nun.
    "Oh you sonuvabitch."
    >Her eyes are made of magma. She scrabbles up and down the rocks, trying to get at you.
    >"Maybe you shouldn't fly south for the winter this year. Sweat it out with the rest of us and lose some of that fledgling fat or whatever."
    "Your digging a real deep fucking grave for yourself."
    >"Tell me how deep it is."
    >She stares at you from the top of the crevice.
    "So deep when I throw your gibbets in the hole it's gonna fall out the other side of the fucking planet."
    >You're stuck in a hole and a griffon wants to see your guts spilled out over the countryside.
    >"Hm. So that's like, half as big as your cunt, right?" She roars loud enough to send little loose pebbles falling on your head.
    >You're feeling extra suicidal today.



>Oh well. You knew the risks when you ran up behind her and smacked her on the bum.
>It's a last-ditch maneuver you use when you're really hurting for something to do. You take a bottle, spin it, and whatever it points to you run up and and give it the five-finger special.
>It's gotten you in some trouble before, but it keeps your day going.
"I'm going to drag your ass up and down this canyon. Sun up to sunset, til nothin' but bones are left and then IM GONNA GRIND THE BONES."
>She's spraying spittle everywhere. You wipe it off your cheek. "So, scale of one-to-ten on how hot that was for you? Your butt is like, really muscular..."
>She seethes. Ruffled feathers everywhere. Her eyes wouldn't look out of place on top of some Mordor tower.
>You stick your tongue out at her.
>She tries to push the rocks apart with her claws, but realizing how stupid that made her look, she just jumped away and punched at the air. She really should learn some breathing exercises. Getting her blood pressure riled up like that was going to take years off her life.
>It'd take quite a few years off your life as well if you don't find some way out of this. 'Cus she's gonna kill you.
>This really is a predator/prey scenario, and she seemed to know her part of the script by heart.


>You must've seen this movie before, or read this in a book, or cartoon show or something.
>"If I say I'm sorry, but really don't mean it, will you leave me alone?"
>She laughs in the scariest way. It's like a mad chuckle mixed with an eagle screech. Any mammal in the vicinity weighing less than five pounds have evacuated their bowels and began immediate training for a 20k marathon.
>She arches over the crack and grins.
"Oh no, I'm not gonna leave you alone. Me and you are gonna be best fucking friends now. And as your new buddy I JUST. CANT. BEAR. to see you stuck in a rut like this."
>She taps along the rock.
"So I'll just hang out here until you decide to squirm your way out."
>"I don't know...I'm feeling pretty good about hanging out in here. Real zen vibe, might be in here for a few....weeks, days? Why don't you go get yourself a milkshake or something?"
>She climbed down to the grown and looked at you at eye-level.
"Nope. I'm a real patient girl, when I want to be."
>She stalks off to a nearby outhrust of rock and settles in the shade. And then she looks at you.
>And she does not look away.



>So it's a war of attrition she wants, eh?
>Well, you imagine cracking your knuckles because you don't have enough maneuvering room to actually pull it off, this chick is well outmatched.
>You are a well-trained expert at standing around not doing anything for long periods of time. You can outlast her, mentally disciplined and physically-honed machine that you are.
>You grin at her.
>She smiles.
>A scorpion crawls onto your neck.
>Gilda laughs as you start to scream and scrabble inside your hidey-hole, damn near turning yourself upside down in panic, screaming "Scorpion Jesus Christ Basketballs," amongst other things.
"You see! Just a regular social butterfly, huh dweeb?"
>"Oh yeah, why don't you come introduce yourself to it, I mean you're both vicious, poisonous bitches, two of you'd get along great. Take each other home, sleep in the same bed. Get stung. Die horribly."
>She eyes the scorpion lazily as it crawls out of the hole.


>Time passes. The sun goes way high overhead, heating the rock and sand.
>You shift uncomfortably.
>Oh, nice, you're going to bake to death. Is this how pizza feels?
>"Are you sure you don't feel like making a milkshake run? I know you must be getting hot out there. I have fifteen bits in my pocket, so if you can go grab me a strawberry shake, that'd be aces."
>She mulls it over.
"Nah, don't think so."
>You sigh. "Good call, I guess. You are fat enough as is."
>Her eye twitches and she makes one long, decisive scratch in the sand.
>"It's not my fault you're a butterball. You know what?" You throw five bits out the hole, they clinkle uselessly on the ground. "Just go get yourself some vegetables or something. I hear natural foods make people less inclined to be act like assholes."
>You throw another two bits.
>"You're going to need a lot of vegetables, toots."
>You wonder if any of your friends are planning on staging a rescue party. I mean, there's no way they would NOT know you're here. It's not like you weren't making noise and advertising yourself.
>You think about everyone who could help you.
>You think about how you slapped them all on the bum. Hmm. Maybe you should stop getting bored so easily. Or pick up a new hobby.
>If only slapping things on the ass wasn't so much fun!
>Because sweating to death in a canyon's buttcrack is your definition of fun.


>"Hey, girlie."
"Don't call me girlie."
>"Doll-Face. Skirts. Feather-duster? Ms. Original Recipe."
>She's not saying anything. Just staring still. Dammit, does this chick blink? You think of all the times you've had people just stand around and stare at you. Not saying anything, or moving. That weirded you out enough. What she was doing to you was that feeling on a test-cycle.
>You were tempted to find a scorpion to throw at her and make a run for it. But she's wicked-fast. Moves faster than the speed of bitch. And she can fly. You can't fly. You've seen the movie The Fly, but that's not going to help you in this situation.
>There were more rocks out there. Probably more crannies you can slip into, but you were lucky enough to cram your sorry rear into this presidential suite.
>Maybe if you wait til nightfall, you'd have a better chance of outrunning her.
>You make up horrible plans in your head.
>She's still staring at you in the meantime.
>You frown and shuffle.
>You have to take a pee.


>Oh boy.
>Hooooo lawdy.
>Okay, okay. You can power through this. Argh. You put your bladder on maximum lock-down. Bodily functions are NOT going to psych you out.
>Dammit! You think you're starting to lose this game of psychological chess. You don't even know how to play regular chess, and you simply suck at checkers.
>This isn't fun anymore. There's no adrenaline rush. She hasn't cussed at you for a few hours. The sun is starting to go down, cooling off the rough walls of the rock immensely.
>There's that little bit of relief, at least.
>She yawns outside.
>HAH! That simple little gesture bolsters your spirits like a handjob from Olivia Wilde.
>If she's yawining that means she's sleepy, and if she falls asleep that means you can book it out of this canyon like a damn convict.
>Just...don't....piss yourself...
>You tap little musical beats on the wall to keep yourself entertained.
>You wonder what would happen if she actually gets her claws around your neck.
>Oh, you didn't doubt she was going to do major bodily harm upon you, but was she actually going to kill you?
>You just smacked her on the rump once, that's all.
>Didn't ask for her permission or nothing, 'cus that's the alpha thing to do.
>hehehehehe....touching people's butts.
>You chuckle gleefully inside your dark hole.
>Oh lovely, this must be what dehydration is like.


>Night falls.
>You're kinda pissed nobody from Ponyville has tried to look for you.
>They probably think you had this coming, and to be perfectly honest, you really do.
>But fuck just desserts.
>Her eye's look really freaking scary in the dark. It's like big fiery discs in the blackness. She's not a griffon. She's a satanic owl come for your soul, waiting to drag you off to hell and cut your stomach open and never let you use the restroom.
>You shake your head. Don't think like that. Be upbeat. She has to fall asleep sooner or later, she just has tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
>zzzzzzzzzzzz
>zzzzzzzzzzzz
>zzzzzz*nod off or something and what the hell just happened?
>Oh, you fell asleep. For how long? You look up. It was still dark. Couldn't have been for more than an hour. You look towards your vengeful sentinel.
>No scary eyes of doom and murder. It's perfectly dark out there.
>Hm. Okay, this is new, and new is good. You can work with this, yeah?
>Slowly, quietly, you edge to the opening. You stick your head out like a kid stealing a peek past the curtains of the porn section at the video store.
>She's nowhere to be seen. Not to the left, not the right. Or above. No scary dark shadows fly overhead.
>You instantly knew it was a trap. It was so obvious. What kind of fool did she take you for? "Oh, I'm Gilda, I'm a big over reactive she-whore, I'll just hide behind a rock while he's asleep and let him walk outside so I can tear his pecker off and call him names."
>Fat chance, KFC-Queen. You yell.
>"I AIN'T FALLING FOR YOUR ROUSE, BABE! BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HO'S AND TRICKS!"
"Do you ever turn your stupid off, or is it a 24/7 job with you?"
>She slinks out from behind a rock, just like you predicted 'cus your a smart person who can predict shit like no other.
>"Hm. Nope. This thing's always churning." You point to the cold, calculating machine that is your head.


>"You think dehydration, starvation, exposure, and a massive need to pee is gonna drive me to rash actions?"
>She leans down and crosses her arms.
"May have been counting on it, yeah."
>"Well," you say confidently as you strut out of the crevice and into open air. "That just ain't enough to crack a super-freak like me." You lean against the rock and put your hand behind your head. "I'm just hyper-aware like that. Not a bad effort thou -oh shit I'm gonna die now, huh?"
>She pounces. Your knees betray their true girlish nature and give out underneath, making you collapse before her claws can make contact with your beautiful face.
>She hits the rock and scrambles up it, scratching sharply on the surface as her wings beat and she turns around and launches herself back towards the ground.
>You roll away, cursing loudly.
>Oh, you goofed bigger than the sunday comics.
>Your knees fall back in line. With a great huff you pop back into the air and very quickly over the dirt and rock.
>You hear her screech and start to give chase.
>"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
"Oh yeah! You're fucked alright! Like a cheap whore, you're sooooo fucked!"
>Dodge and weave, dodge and weave! You slip and slide down slopes, vaulting yourself over pits, or diving into ditches, anything to confuse her.
>You occasionally look behind you to throw a rock or an insult.
>Neither do little to slow her down.
>"SO THIS IS THE MOST CARDIO YOU'VE HAD IN A WHILE, RIGHT?"
"I SWEAR IF YOU FUCKING CALL ME FAT ONE MORE TIME!"
>"ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY!"
"THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO RECOVER YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AFTER I GET MY PAWS ON YOU!"
>You're not smart enough to shut-up and keep all that precious oxygen cycling through your legs.

>She flaps her wings and divebombs in front of you.
>Sweet mercy, it's a ghost coming form the skies. She reaches out with bony, yellow claws. You scream like a girl and turn sharply, ducking between more rocks.
>All things considered, you're doing pretty good so far.
>You think you can see the lights of P0nyville.
>Oh, you are so glad you did those three weeks of track in junior high. You can keep running like this, you can kee-
>You ran over a cliff.
>Some tumbling occurs. It hurts in all the wrong places.
>You hit the ground at a bit of a slope. There's blood and tender bits, but nothing mortally-worrying is sticking out at weird angles.
>"Ohh.....I hate this kingdom."
>You hear a low gust of wind.
"Then let me take you out of it."
>Fiery eyes in the night. Spelling death and sharp claws. Her wings fan out and her shoulders ride high as she steps towards you.
>Ever animal planet documentary and youtube video you've seen on cheetahs, lions, tigers, eagles, and hawks flash through your mind.
>You're going to meet your end here, like so many unfortunate, rabbits, foxes, fishes, and turtles, and you don't even get to be on TV for this.
>You try the last thing you can think of.
>You stand on your tiptoes, blow your cheeks out, and raise your arms wide open.
>"RARGH RARGH RARGH RARGH!"
>The eyes of doom become the eyes of confusion.
"You doing a mating dance or what?"
>"No." You stomp loudly on the ground. "I'm puffing myself to make myself look bigger. It's supposed to scare you, and make you think I'm a dangerous predator." She shakes her head.
"I can't believe I wasted a whole fucking day with you. This is almost not worth the effo-"
>"RARGH RARGH RARHG RARGHT"
>She screeches and pounces you head-first.


>You imagine this is what it's like to be in a dryer.
>Everything tumbling in circles, it's warm, and soft fluffly things are everywhere.
>Except the fluffy stuff is wrapped around solid muscle, keeps cussing at you, and is attatched to claws.
>She keeps beating you around the head with her wings. And they are very strong wings.
>You do your best to hold you ground, grabbing her around her waist and using her momentum against her, you try and pin her to the ground, but this chick has too many limbs for you to keep up with.
>Dodge the beak. Crab that claw, fuck watch the paw, the other paw!
>"FUCKING GODDAMNED BIRD DEVIL!"
"DWEEBING LEGGY COCKSTAIN ASSSMACKER!"
>"IT WAS A GODDAMN JOKE WHY CAN YOU NOT TAKE A GODDAMN JOKE!"
>She scratches you on the back.
"YOU TOUCH A GIRL'S ASS AND NOT EXPECT TO PISS HER OFF?"
>You punch her in the stomach.
>"I AIN'T APOLOGIZING FOR SHIT NOW!"
>She headbutts you.
"I DONT WANT AN APOLOGY I WANT YOUR BLOOD!"
>She kicks you with her powerful hind legs. You double over. She stalks over you and thrusts her beak next to your ear.
"It's gonna be slow. It's gonna hurt. There's gonna be a whole lotta red paint aallllll over this canyon."
>You spasm and wrap all of your extremities around her. She squawks and jumps, trying to shake you off.
"Clingy little freakazoid, get off me!"
>You hang on for dear life.
"I'm going to smash you against the rocks until you let me go."
>"No. You are not." She hacks.
"And why the crap not?"
>"Because I'm going to pee on you."
>
>
>
"You serious?"

>"Like a rape victim with terminal cancer serious. I will wee all over your shit. I WANT to wee all over your shit."
>She stands very, very still.
>"Human urine smells awful. Takes weeks to wash out. And it stings."
>She growls
"If I feels one little drop-"
>"Then your fate will be sealed. I'm holding back a waterfall here. You don't know the herculean will power I'm using to keep this fucking end-of-days flood at bay."
>The canyon is silent except for the labored breathing of the two of you.
>"Neither of us want to do anything rash, right babe?"
>Her eyes narrow thinner than a razor blade's edge.
"Say what you want, you sick buttwipe."
>"I'm going to let go. Very slowly. Then we're going to back away from each other. We'll leave each other alone. For the rest of forever. You don't kill me, I don't make it rain on you."
>She huffs.
"Fine."
>"Like I said, we're doing this slow."
"Oh yeah. Nice and slow. Real friendly-like."
>You release one leg from around her waist, and get some stable footing form underneath you.
>You let go of one arm around her neck.
>Of course, you knew the second you crotch moved away form her, she was going to gut you like last week's catch.
>Which is why you pulled her face to yours and kissed her full on the beak.
>It was the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to her mental sense of equilibrium.
>If there were nymphs, fairies, and cherubs nearby, none of them would have sang, or throw flowers or shoot heart shaped arrows.
>They would've quit their jobs on the spot, went home, point a gun to their heads and pull the trigger.
>Her eyes bugged out and twitched between shock, rage, and confusion. Her wings kept shifting shape, and she could not keep them under control.
>During which time you zoomed off so fast you didn't even leave foot prints in the ground.
>"THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN BABE, WE'LL GO TO THE MOVIES NEXT TIME!"
>Oh good fuck you have to pee.
>You can hear murderous roaring somewhere far behind you.

>Can't stop won't stop. You're heart probably exploded from exertion about eight minutes ago, but you're not gonna stop moving.
>You zig zag between bush, rocks, and trees.
>You think you've lost her. You hope she doesn't think to straight when she's as pissed off as she is right now. Hopefully she's heading to the nearest water source to wash her mouth out.
>God knows you're going to brush your teeth for the next two weeks.
>You see the buildings of p0nyville.
>Home free! Home free!
>You have to pee, you have to pee, have topeehavetopeeohgodyouhavetopee
>But unfortunately it's balls-late and no store is open.
>Late night ponies stare at the crazy human who alternates between sprinting and hopping on one leg.
>You don't want to wee out in the open. She might strike in your moment of vulnerability.
>You see a dumpster.
>You practically somersault into it and slam the lid.
>P0nies gather around, and hear grunts, rustling bottles, and the unzipping of pants.
>They look worriedly at each other as an elongated and high-pitched 'aaahhhhhh' echoes from the metal dumpster.
>You throw the lid open and stand high in the container, victory plastered on your face.
>"Nothing to see here folks, just nature running its course, 'sup Roid, we still on for lifting tomorrow? Yeah? Cool, see you then."
>You hop onto the ground and dart into the shadows.
>You sneak home, and bolt all the doors and cover the windows.
>You collapse on your bed, and plan on washing the blood off your everything in the morning.
>You almost died today. Big scary griffon girl tried to eat you and everything.
>A big stupid, greasy smile spreads over your face.
>You're totally slapping her bum again next time you see her.
>You do get bored easily, after all.

--

Endu