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- How to be a lying ninja!
- Yet another sexy little text file brought to you by Rusty and The Italic
- Squirrels. Written by Suid Lizard and Rhesus Monkey, edited by Captain Ross.
- This text file was written for entertainment purposes only. Just because
- somebody reads this text does not mean that they should try anything in it. This
- file does not, nor does it's authors, advocate the telling of lies, or anything
- like that. Even though you shouldn't try this, but you do anyway, it isn't our
- fault if you get busted. Maybe it was YOUR mistake that got you screwed. Maybe
- the simple facts of your lie screwed you up, maybe you're just an idiot, maybe
- this whole text file is a load of bullshit. You just don't know, so don't try
- this until you've done some research in this sort of thing. Don't do drugs.
- Don't break the law. Don't wear dead elephants as hats. Don't do anything you
- wouldn't want your grandmother to do. Don't do anything.
- By reading further into this text you certify that you are not a law enforcement
- officer, an employee of the federal government, or an acquaintance of an
- employee of the federal government, or even an acquaintance of an acquaintance
- of an employee of the federal government. You certify that you are not Suid
- Lizard or Captain Ross's mom, or anyone else's mom. You certify that you are not
- under 18 years of age. You certify that you are not over 18 years of age. You
- certify that you are not 18 years of age. If any or all of the above statements
- does not apply to you, then do not read further into this file, delete it if it
- happens to be on your hard or floppy disks, and leave whatever site or BBS or
- whatever it is you downloaded it from.
- Well, now that I've excluded about 99.9% of the population, all that should be
- left are super intelligent cyborgs from the future, spider monkeys, and contract
- violators who have let go of all their rights concerning this file.
- So you wanna learn to lie, eh Well, before you can learn that you have to learn
- to spot a liar, which is easier than you think. Certain behaviors, things you
- don't mean to do, give away liars. These can be movements, or biological
- signals. Mainly, I'm gonna deal with the physical gestures and such, things that
- you don't have to be hooked up to a machine to detect.
- Liars, especially when caught off guard, don't have real memories to refer to,
- and have to rely on their imaginations to fall back on. Without actual
- experience dictating the story, it becomes almost impossible to keep track of
- all the details that may be said. That's why in an interrogation a detective (or
- whoever) will ask the same questions again and again, in hopes of finding a slip
- up. They may ask about details, things like what color was her shirt in hopes
- that the suspect's story won't be consistent. The specifics of a story may be
- vague when it is first told, which is a fairly reliable indicator of the truth.
- So what can a liar do to avoid these pitfalls Simply use real memories as a
- reference. If you say you were meeting some friends, then think of a past
- occasion when you met with friends. Now, when your asked the color of her shirt,
- it will be white (or whatever) every time, because that's what you remember it
- as being.
- Another problem is witnesses. A liar may try to get his story straight with all
- of the people present, but that's bound to fail. Say you went Somehood (mystery
- city) last night, to go meet some chicks at the deli and get laid. Only trouble
- is, your grounded that week. Your mom asks you where you went! Quick, what do
- you say The secret is to make as little of your story a lie as possible. Tell
- her that you were at the deli in Somehood, studying with Jacob (or whoever was
- there). Now, if your mom calls your friends and questions them, your story might
- just fly, as long as the part about getting laid doesn't come up ;).
- But it isn't just your story that gives you away. It might also be you. The way
- you hold yourself, the way you speak, the way you move, they all hold clues as
- to how honest you are. Luckily, if you know what's what, you can avoid making
- such tell-tale mistakes.
- See, when you lie, even if your a comfortable liar, you get a little nervous (or
- a lot). And when your nervous, you brain makes a little adrenaline, which
- basically screws you over. Ever notice how when you lie, your face gets a little
- itchy You feel a tick here and there Yep, that's adrenaline, pal. Do you ever
- get a little fidgety, wanting to keep your hands busy Adrenaline, baby. Your
- mouth feels dry, you breathe more deeply, you can't relax your body adrenaline,
- adrenaline, adrenaline! So what can you do about this wondrous chemical Nothing
- really, my friend, just ignore it. When your face feels itchy, don't scratch.
- Breathe shallow as usual, don't swallow too much, and if your nervous, slouch as
- best you can and put your arms somewhere comfortable and leave them there.
- Body language, something we learn early in life, can also give you away. When
- people lie or bull shit in some other way, they have a tendency to cover their
- mouth, like they don't really believe what they say. When your a little kid it's
- very obvious, but as we grow older it becomes more and more subtle. You may
- touch your nose, your cheek, or your mouth. Talk to someone in a casual sort of
- way, so that they won't feel the need to lie. Are they covering their mouth in
- any way Of course not! If you know what to look for this gesture can be very
- obvious.
- It's been said that the eyes are the window to the soul. This little diddly is
- truer than you know, because you can learn a lot from what a fellow's eyes are
- doing. For instance, where a person glances around while talking, it often
- indicates what part of his brain he's using. These directions vary from person
- to person, but they are almost always there. There are sections for audio,
- visual, olfactory (smell), tactile (touch), and taste. There are also directions
- for calling on two types of reasoning (left and right side) and one for
- IMAGINATION. this is the one we're concerned with. When you have to come up with
- a story, what do you have to do you have to imagine it, dumbass! For most
- people, they look up and to the left when they call on their imagination, and
- since they've been doing it for as long as they've been making shit up, they've
- getten into the habit. When you lie, try to look pretty much straight forward,
- glancing down naturally and occasionally.
- Also, maintain eye contact. Have you ever heard look me in the eye well
- that's what they're talking about. Try not to maintain eye contact freakishly
- long, because this is unnatural and suspicious looking.
- When you lie, you have to make up a story, and hence your brain might need a
- second to think. We subconsciously try to hide this, but nobody is ever fooled.
- Here's an example.
- MomJimmy, have you been masturbating on the roof again
- JimmyMasturbating Of course not, mom!
- Do you know what Jimmy has done wrong He repeated the beginning of the
- question. That's like saying um. . ., only your brain thinks it's slick for
- hiding it. When you get asked a question, the answer should come like boom, in
- just a second.
- MomJimmy, have you been giving the dog blow jobs again
- JimmyEew, mom, no way! I could get diseases like that!
- Do you know what Jimmy did wrong this time True, he did answer right off, but
- he spent too much time answering. It sounds like he's trying to convince himself
- and his mom, doesn't it Answer immediately and keep it short. This one's a
- little more subtle, and most people won't pick up on it, but better safe.
- Well, that's all the things you can control, but what about the things you
- can't Remember our little discussion about adrenaline Well, here's a little
- more. Adrenaline increases your body temperature, your heartrate, your blood
- pressure, and your breathing rate. These are the signals that those fancy
- machines keep track of, and they're very hard to control. (by the way. As of
- 1999 polygraphs aren't admissible in court, so don't sweat them too much.)
- Either you must be incredibly disciplined and control your body completely, or
- you must believe that you are being truthful. My uncle was in Vietnam, and it
- was a very hard experience. When he got home, due to all the controversy
- surrounding the war, nobody wanted to talk to him. He spent so much time keeping
- it to himself, not thinking about it, and denying it that he actually came to
- believe for a short while that he was never in the war. Apparently this is not
- that uncommon. Thing is, if he was given a polygraph test at that time, and
- asked if he was in the war he could have said no and passed it. While we can't
- always recreate this sort of trauma at home, we can at least come close. So, if
- you steal the hope diamond from a museum, don't tell your friends, don't tell
- your family, and don't tell yourself what happened. If you push it back far
- enough it'll all disappear. Try it with that 2.14 GPA you got last semester, and
- see how it works.
- That's all for now. Thanks for your time -- Suid Lizard
- That's it. If you wanna mail Suid, it's suid_lizard@yahoo.com
- If anyone contributed this text to a search engine, search for the following
- string to see if there are more of my files for you to find.
- rhese589ndeeboiyzz6547fneerjabbler
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