Rainbow - What the Hell?

>Day roughly 800 in Equestria.
>You're Anon, resident monkey of p0nyville.
>And by monkey, you mean ape.
>You get out of bed, and stumble through to the kitchen.
>Waiting for the kettle to boil, you pour out a few measures of coffee, and dump a load of sugar into the mug.
>It's too early for accurate measurements.
>Finally, the water boils, and you half fill the mug. Topping it off with milk, you down the mildly warm drink, and stumble through to the bathroom.
>Hitting the switch for the shower, you step in, and pull the curtain closed.
>For a few minutes, you stand there, mug in hand, and wait to fully wake up.
>Eventually, you evolve sentience, before scrubbing the night's sweat and general muck from your body.
>You need a shave, but it's your day off, so you really can't be bothered.
>The stubble can stay, for now.
>Finishing by rinsing out your coffee mug, still clenched in your hand, you step out, and towel yourself off.
>The man in the mirror is tired looking, still, with massive bags under his eyes, pasty skin, and...
>You struggle for a moment, but can't come up with anything else.

>It's not the job that wears you down.
>It's Rainbow Dash.
>She comes around, every single day, and pesters you about sex.
>Most of the time, it isn't too bad.
>She'd rattle off a list of fetishes, sniff your hair a little, and then flap off.
>But recently it's been getting worse.
>Instead of a list of fetishes, it would just be one.
>Although she'd come all dressed up, and play the role.
>Three days ago she wanted to know if you were into whips.
>There're still raised red welts across your back, and wrapping around your ribs.
>Two days ago, and she was asking about pegging.
>A massive rubber horse dong strapped to her nethers.
>It was bigger than her forelegs, and has left a trail in the dirt path up to your horse.
>Yesterday though...
>Yesterday was bad.
>Watersports.
>...
>You don't think you'll ever get the stains out of your carpet.
>The thing is, if she calmed down a bit, you might have been willing to try dating her.
>She wasn't bad looking, and seemed nice enough.
>Apart from the sexual harassment.
>She was a bit of an exercise freak, but she seemed okay.

>Dressed in just a towelling robe, you lay down on the sofa, and wait to see what today will bring you.
>Eventually, you hear the knock on your door.
>You get up, and swing it open.
"Morning, what's today's guess?"
>She's wearing a huge overcoat, shiny and yellow, like the ones sailors use.
>It trails on the floor around her, only showing her face and bangs.
>She ducks her head, and scowls at the floor as she mutters up at you,
>"iwsjstwndrnf'kswryrftsh?"
"What? I got nothing from that."
>You've learnt it all just gets over sooner if you go along with whatever she has planned.
>"I was wondering if..."
>She cuts herself off, a large blush covering her face.
"Oh for god's sake"
>You reach out, and lift the coat off of her.
>Ho-lee fuck.
>Hock high socks, dark red, meet with a stunning garter belt, held up by satiny looking black ribbon.
>The black and red continues up her body, the ribbon criss-crossing across her barrel, through a network of shiny silvery hoops, right up to her withers.
>The corset, or whatever pony lingerie is called [spoiler]probably something daft like horset[/spoiler], alternates between red pleather and black netting.
>Stunned for a minute, you can't really do much but goggle.
>"Do you like it, Anon?"
>Dumbly, you nod your head.
>"So are you into this kinda stuff"
>Taking a moment to pick up your jaw, and pop your eyes back in, you let out a nervous cough.
"Uhh... Yeah... Yeah that really jingles my jangles."
"Do... Do you want to come in?"

>Silence.
>Until she starts to snigger.
>It's slow at first, merely a quake in the shoulders, but it quickly spreads.
>Soon, she's hooting with laughter, and you have no idea what's going on.
>"You... You!"
"What?"
>"You actually... YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS!"
>She lets out a loud call
>"Hey, hey AJ!"
"Shit, no! What the hell's going on?"
>"I told you I could find it! You owe me a night out!"
>Applejack, tears streaming down her face, falls out a nearby bush.
>"Ah thought yer said yer weren't int'rested in ponies, eh, Anon?"
"But... What?"
>Applejack sniggers, and nods at Rainbow.
>"Sounds like yer definitely got 'im, c'mon sugahcube, time to get outta his mane."
>Rainbow looks back at you, and smirks.
>"Listen, Anon, nothing personal. Just AJ bet me that I couldn't figure out what you were into."
>You feel like you've been cheated of something here, but your brain isn't quite working.
>"No offence, but I'm not into bipeds. We'll go let Twilight know. She might be up for some sciencey egghead experiments?"
>She turns, and the two of them run off, Rainbow shedding socks, belts, and ribbons as she runs.
>They let out a final cackle, and disappear into town.
>What the actual fuck?