why am i like this

[A horrible sound is heard, which turns out to be Kandis playing his clarinet until the doorbell rings. Doctor Nissa is at the door]
Doctor Nissa: Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises.
[Kandis slams the door shut. The phone starts to ring.]
Kandis: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the [She plays a clarinet note.]
Midnight: Sounds like y’got a dyin’ animal to attend to, eh, ol' pal?
[Kandis gasps.]
Kandis: Midnight Fancyson from band class?!
Midnight: I hear you're playin’ the cash register now.
Kandis: Sometimes. Uh, how's the mizzium leg?
Midnight: [Tapping her leg] It's big and valuable. I'm th’ leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed t’play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Kandis: The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba?!?!
Midnight: That's right. I'm livin’ your dreams, Kandis. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hopin’ you and your band could cover for us.
Kandis: Ohh, uhh, I... I, uhh...
Midnight: I knew it! Y’don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let y’get back to the service industry now.
Kandis: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancy Girl?!
Midnight: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope th’audience brings lots of... ibuprofen!
[Midnight and Kandis hang up the phones.]
Kandis: I gotta drum up a marchin’ band fast! Drum... haha... band humor.
[In the following lines, Anya, Jun, Cece, Kaede, and Emil are reading from a poster. Each are in different locations.]
Anya: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
Jun: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit the multiverse.
Cece: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.
Kaede: Not to mention free refreshments.
Emil: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp.
[Kandis looks at her watch while traveling the Blind Eternities with a cart full of instruments]
Kandis: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
[The scene cuts to inside the room, where everyone is there.]
All: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Kandis: People, people, settle down! Okay, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Jun: Do instruments of torture count?
Kandis: No.
Gerel: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Kandis: No, Gerel, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Gerel raises her hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either. [Gerel lowers her hand] That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.
[Kandis laughs. Everyone stays silent.]
Kaede: When do we get the free food?
Kandis: Okay, try to repeat after me. [Kandis plays six notes] Brass section, go. [brass section repeats badly] Good. Now the wind. [wind section repeats badly] And the drums. [drummers misunderstand what Kandis means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Kandis to the wall] Too bad that didn't kill me. [Next scene] Let's just try stepping in the rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
Z'arith: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Kandis: No, Z'arith, that's a chorus line.
Gerel: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking! [Gerel kicks Anya in the leg]
Anya: Ow! Why, you...! Why I oughta...! [she jumps on Gerel and starts fighting her until they roll outside and the doors slam shut]
Gerel: [Makes a very long painful scream.] [Everyone pauses and stare at the door, then Gerel sticks her head back in] Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Gerel walks in and it is revealed that Anya has stuck her body in a trombone. Trombone notes are heard as she walks towards her seat. As she sits down, she makes a sound on her trombone. Makes a loud trombone noise as she opens her mouth. Stares at herself.]
Narrator: Day two.
[The scene shows the band walking down a street playing Semper Fidelis, badly.]
Kandis: Okay, that's perfect, everybody. Bubble Bowl, here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin them things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinnin’. Flag twirlers, let's move! C'mon, move!
[The flag twirlers spin so hard that they take off into the sky and crash into a blimp, which causes an explosion. A trumpet player plays taps while everyone mourns, except Kandis, who just lies down on the ground.]
Narrator: Day three.
Kandis: How's that harmonica solo coming, Jun?
Jun: It's tremendous, you wanna see?
[Jun plays the harmonica by running to and from the holes quickly, but soon runs out of breath; on their way to the last hole they blow an unsuccessful last raspberry into the harmonica and faint.]
Narrator: Day four.
Kandis: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began... [Gerel chews on a trumpet] ...but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Jun: [loudly] Correct!
Kandis: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! [screen cuts to the outside of the music school and a blast of noise ensues, breaking the windows. Cuts back inside the music school, where Kandis's face is deformed beyond recognition, her shirt's been ripped, and her baton breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Gabi: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!
Kaede: What did you say, punk?!
Gabi: [shouts loudy] Big... meaty... claws!
Kaede: Well, these claws ain't for just attractin' mates!
Gabi: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
Z'arith: [tries intervening] No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Elis: Oh, so now the talking lizard is gonna preach to us.
Kandis: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high... [everyone gets into a fight. Omryn and Emil are yelling at each other. Nitya slams a drum at him] There's a deposit on that equipment, people! [everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Kaede and Gabi charge at each other with large woodwinds, but try to screech to a halt, and Cece slams them both with her cymbals] Settle down, please!
[Anya and Elis are fighting. Anya breaks the xylophone keys from Elis and Elis runs away. Gerel kicks Anya, who growls at her before producing a trumpet with an evil grin. Gerel realizes what's coming and runs away screaming as Anya chases her with the trumpet. The scene cuts to the clock which shows it being 10 o'clock and everyone stops fighting.]
Omryn: Hey, class is over.
[The band members walk to the door where Kandis slams it open.]
Kandis: Well, you did it. You took my one chance in happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces. I really expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser fer that, too. Don't bother showin’ up tomorrow. I'll just tell them y’all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. [sobbing] Thanks for nothin’!
[Kandis leaves.]
Gerel: You're welcome.
Z'arith: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Kandis's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Gabi, when your son was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
Evelyn: A templar.
Z'arith: And Emil, when your heart gave out from all those blown up mountains, who revived you?
Emil: Some guy on a dragon.
Z'arith: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Kandis was a templar, or some guy on a dragon, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.
Gabi: Yeah, for the templar!
All: Hooray!
Z'arith: Now let's make Kandis proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddly diddly doo.
[The scene cuts to the Bubble Bowl]
Kandis: I knew this was gonna happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [zooms out to reveal Midnight is there] ...Midnight doesn't find out! Midnight! [screams] What are you doing here?!
Midnight: [laughs] I just wanna watch y’blow it. So, where's yer band?
Kandis: Uh, they couldn't come. They... died.
Midnight: Then who's that? [points to Z'arith and the rest of the band]
Kandis: [screams and her eyes pop out] That would be my band!
Z'arith: We're ready to perform, Kandis.
Midnight: Well, Kandis, this is exactly how I pictured yer band would look.
[Z'arith dances]
Kandis: That's her... eager face.
[Midnight laughs while they all go into the Bubble Bowl.]
Kandis: [everybody marches to the Bubble Bowl and starts performing.] I guess this’ll be the last time I can show my face in this town.
Z'arith: That's the spirit, Kandis!
[The bowl raises above a football field.]
Football Announcer: Okay, football fans. Put your hands together for the Multiverse Super Band!
[A crowd of live-action people cheering is shown.]
Gerel: These are some ugly looking creatures.
Z'arith: Maybe we're in one of those toxic waste dumps.
Kaede: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Kandis: [Nervously] Alright, everybody. [Glances at Midnight, who grins and taps her leg] Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4...
[The band starts to play a wonderful intro. Kandis opens her eyes, shocked. Z'arith begins singing.]
Z'arith: [voice of David Glen Eisley] ♪The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the world closin' in. Be on the attack with your wings on the wind. Oh, the games will begin.♪ [Midnight stares in shock, Kandis gives her a smug grin and throws her baton over his shoulder and uses her arms for conducting.] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight,♪ [Midnight faints and gets carried away by stretchers. Kandis waves a smug goodbye to her and runs to the middle of the stage.] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory...♪
[Kandis jumps up and the scene freezes. It then fades to black.]