devil

  <Scene: A stage bathed in mist and flashing blue/white lights.
  Red Lights can be seen in the background.  We can hear the sounds
  of screaming and thunder. >

  <Rowan enters from the back of the stage, wearing a red smoking
  jacket, white shirt, black trousers and horns.  He is the Devil.
  He holds a clipboard.>

  <As he reaches the front of the stage, the "lightning" stops and
  all the lights go red>

Devil: Ah hello... nice to see you all here.

       Well, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized
by now, this is hell.  And I am the Devil.

  <pauses and nods to right side of audience>

	Good evening.... But you can call me Toby if you like.
We try and keep things informal here.... as well as infernal.

  <turns to clipboard>

	Umm... that’s just a little joke.  I tell it every time.
Now you’re all here for eternity.. oooh, which I hardly need tell
you is a HECK of a long time.  So you’ll all get to know each
other pretty well by the end but for now I’m going to have to
split you up into groups. would you stop screaming?!

   <screaming FX stops>

	Thank you.

	Now, murderers?  Murderers over here please.  Thank you.

   <throughout this bit he makes appropriate gestures, pointing out
   to various points around the stage and audience>

	Looters and Pillagers over here.  Um, thieves if you
could join them.. and.. Lawyers you’re in that lot as well.

	Fornicators, if you could step forward?  My God, there
are a lot of you!  I think I’ll split you into adulterers
and the rest. Male adulterers if you could just form a line in
front of that small guillotine in the corner.

	Hmmm... the French are you here?  Yes.  If you’d just
come down here with the Germans... I’m sure you’ll have plenty
to talk about.

	Okay,, ummm,,, Atheists?  Atheists? Over here please.
 You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

	And finally... Christians.  Christians? Ah, Yes I’m
sorry, I’m afraid it turns out the Jews were right.

	Okay right, well... are there any questions?  Yes?
  No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets.  If you’d read
your bible you might have seen that it was "damnation without
 relief".  So if you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid
 you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much.  But I believe
 that’s the idea.

   <gestures off stage at unseen person>

	Well, it’s over to you Adolph.  And I’ll catch you all
later at the barbecue.. Bye.

   <Exit Rowan as stage fades to black>