Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- >"Criss-what?"
- "Christmas, he called it."
- >Rainbow Dash frowns.
- >"What's that?"
- "Umm, I think he said it was something like Hearth's Warming Eve, you give presents and spread good cheer."
- >"Pshh, so why not just call it Hearth's Warming Eve?"
- >Shrug, then shiver.
- >The field you're both lounging around in is terribly cold.
- "Not sure, he said it was something to do with a human called Christ."
- >"What was so special about him?"
- "He had a lot of wood, and got nailed a lot."
- >Rainbow Dash's ears prick up and she grins.
- >"He sounds like my kind of human!"
- >You bite your lip and imagine humans getting nailed.
- "Y-yeah, it sounds wonderful..."
- >Shake your head.
- "Anyway, we need to think of a way to use this!"
- >Rainbow Dash lazily plays around with a bit of cloud.
- >Some snow falls out of it as she does so.
- >"I dunno, 'Shy. Anon seems pretty uptight. I mean, I wanna bang him as much as the next mare but don't you think he'd catch onto us if we used this Crissmuss thingy on him?"
- "Oh no, he said humans -love- this holiday! He said it's the only time of the year people stopped being mean to each other! A holiday full of so much love... We -have- to use this! It's perfect!"
- >Rainbow shrugs.
- >"Alright, if you insist. But how do we do it?"
- 1/?
- "W-well, umm, I'm not sure... I guess we could try and get more information out of him so we could create a plan?"
- >Your friend nods.
- >"Sounds good to me! Hold this--"
- >She tosses you the chunk of snow-cloud she was fiddling with and tears away across the snow-capped fields.
- >Sip your coffee and stare at the winter wonderland outside your kitchen window.
- "Man, today is gonna be great."
- >A blue pony with a rainbow mane slams into the side of your house and waves at you as she slides down the wall.
- >Nonchalantly drink some more coffee.
- "Man, today is gonna suck."
- >The pony peels herself off the brickwork and rushes to your front door.
- >Go to open it.
- >When you do so, a cold breeze whips up your dressing gown around you.
- >Rainbow Dash gets a nosebleed.
- >"H-hey! Uhh, so Chessmass. Pretty crazy, right?"
- "Yeah, it is."
- >Raise an eyebrow.
- "Why do you care?"
- >Dash leans against a nearby plant-pot and tries to look cool.
- >But the plant-pot was actually just snow weirdly shaped exactly like a bush.
- >The pile of snow with a rainbow tail now sticking out of it casually looks up at you.
- >"Eh, you know, just curious. So what do you do on the day?"
- >Shrug.
- "Eat food, exchange gifts, love your family. Literally the exact same holiday as Hearth's Warming Eve, but without the religious parts."
- >An ominous wind howls in the distance as you mention 'religion'.
- >Dysphoria fills you.
- >Rainsnow Dash nods.
- >"Cool, cool, but are there any -special- parts? Do you wear any kooky outfits or whatever?"
- "Sometimes. Usually just gaudy sweaters."
- >Sip your tea.
- >Wonder when your coffee turned into tea.
- >Drink some more tea.
- "Oh, and also girls usually dress sluttily and try to make out with people under mistletoe. It's gross."
- >The snowpony sprouts wings.
- >"BINGO!"
- >It explodes and a rainbow streak bolts away from you.
- 2/?
- >Watch it disappear into the distance.
- >Look down at your cup.
- >It's filled with eggnog.
- >Frown.
- "Slutty outfits?"
- >"Totally! -And- they make out with guys under mistletoe! Fluttershy this is PERFECT!"
- >You cinge at her shouting, but your heart starts hammering in your chest anyway.
- "Oh my goodness... We might have a shot at this! Oh-- Did he say what kind of slutty outfits?"
- >"I dunno, let's see what you have."
- >You both head inside your cottage and upstairs to your room.
- >Leading your friend towards your cupboard, you push the sliding door to one side.
- "Umm, okay, so which do you think?"
- >...
- "Rainbow Dash?"
- >"Why is there a giant lizard outfit there...?"
- "Oh, that's for Spike."
- >Rainbow Dash gives you a strange look.
- >Blush and hurriedly move along.
- "What about a nurse?"
- >"I swear you choose every excuse to dress up in that thing."
- "I like being a nurse..."
- >Rainbow Dash pushes past you and starts roughly searching through your clothes.
- >"No. No. No. Eww... No. No. No. N-- wait..."
- >...
- >"...No."
- >She pauses.
- >"Ohhh, what about this one?"
- >She pulls out a cute little red outfit with white fluffy hems and a hat to go with it.
- >You frown.
- "Not very festive though, is it?"
- >Rainbow gives it another look.
- >"Yeah, I guess you're right."
- >She puts it back on the rack and keeps sifting through.
- >"Wait. Fluttershy. This. THIS."
- >The mare squeals and shows you what she found.
- >You blush deeply at the sight of it.
- "B-But Rainbow! That's... L-lewd!"
- >She grins devilishly.
- >"Isn't that the point?"
- >You chew your bottom lip.
- >Then think of Anon rutting you while you wear what Rainbow's holding.
- >That seals the deal.
- "Alright, let's do it!"
- >Rainbow Dash hoof-pumps the air and lets out a "Yes!"
- >You root through the cupboard some more.
- "I should have another outfit just like that..."
- >"Why would you have two?"
- 3/?
- "I'm afraid of losing the outfit then needing it while it's gone, so I always keep replacements."
- >"That's... An oddly specific fear, Fluttershy."
- >You give her a weak smile and let out a soft "yay" as you find the replacement.
- >Rainbow Dash looks over her outfit.
- >"Fluttershy. I think this plan is gonna rock Anon's world. And then his bed."
- >Hear a knock on your door.
- >Put down your copy of ' Mares with crossbows weekly ' and lumber over to the door.
- >A hot mug of something is already in your hand by the time you reach it.
- >Looking down, it appears to be hot orange juice.
- >Eh, good enough.
- >Sip it and open the door.
- >...
- "Now that's just silly."
- >Two mares dressed as abominable snowponies peer up at you.
- >"R-rawr! We're here to kiss you under the mistletoe!"
- >The other one perks up.
- >"Yeah! We're gonna fuck you real good!"
- >Stare at them for a second.
- >Then close the door.
- "Alright. That just happened."
- >They knock again.
- "What do you want?"
- >"Can we come in?"
- "No. You want to sexually molest me."
- >"Don't be stupid, Anon, why would we do that?"
- "Good point."
- >Open the door and let them in.
- >As soon as the door is shut you lock it and smile at them.
- "Okay, now what?"
- >"Now we're gonna sexually molest you."
- "Shit."
- >Hurl your mug of bleach at one of the snowponies.
- >She screams and falls backwards.
- >"N-NO! THE FABRIC! IT'S RUINED!"
- >Her comrade winces at her outburst and picks her up.
- >"Come -on- Fluttershy! We can still do this!"
- >As you run away, you are shocked at the odds of there being two Fluttershys in Ponyville.
- >Must be a common name.
- >Bail out the back door and into the snow.
- >Bail back into the back door and away from the snow.
- "Fuck it's cold out there."
- >Worst of all, you're not wearing slippers.
- >And you can't be bothered changing clothes.
- >And the two mysterious ponies dressed as monsters that are trying to rape you also pose a problem.
- >The question is how to stop them from doing so.
- 4/?
- >You think on this as you ascend the stairs.
- >One of the ponies is consoling her friend, who is wailing about the affects of bleach on fabric.
- >Even though she was stark white and the bleach won't have done much.
- >Then again, you don't know much about clothes.
- >Rarity does, though.
- >Wait.
- >Rarity?
- >Rarity must be one of the snowponies!
- >Son of a bitch, you knew this would occur sooner or later.
- >Mother always said it would be fuzzy white ponies that would be your end.
- >You thought it was a metaphor for cocaine.
- >Shows how much of a dumbass you are.
- >From the sounds of it, the ponies have recovered from their emotional trauma and are now looking for you.
- >Thankfully, you're hidden in a remarkable hiding spot.
- >"Where is he?"
- >"N-not sure... Hey, has he always had that lamp?"
- >"Huh, don't think so. Never seen it here before."
- >One of them giggles.
- >"Heh... Kinda looks like him a bit, doesn't it?"
- >They both laugh.
- >"Yeah, it does... Come on, let's keep looking. Anon? Aaaaanoooon!"
- >You breathe a sigh of relief from beneath the lamp-shade you're wearing on your head.
- >Ponies aren't too bright.
- >But you are.
- >Because you're a lamp.
- >HA.
- >Smirking at your hilarious joke, you creep towards the basement.
- >Slipping through the door you swiftly descend the steps and pull the little bit of string to bring some lights on.
- >Gotta be something down here that can help you.
- >You puzzle over your large collection of knives, axes, and other medieval weaponry before deciding on an inflatable mallet you got with Pinkie Pie at a fair.
- >...
- >One of the ponies was comforting the other after the bleach...
- >Only one other pony is so selfless, good natured, and full of loving kindness.
- >Pinkie Pie.
- >Pinkie Pie and Rarity have joined forces to fondle your fiddle.
- >These are the darkest times.
- >Grimacing, you pluck your mallet off the wall and look around for something else.
- 5/?
- >You find a bag of baubles you haven't used to decorate with yet.
- >If you throw these at the hooves of your pursuers, they'll trip over them and fall down!
- >Chuckling, you take them with you.
- >Armed with a plastic hammer and some glass balls, you return upstairs.
- >Peek out of the door before you enter the hallway.
- >The ponies are nowhere to be seen.
- >Glancing, you see the backdoor again.
- >And your outdoor boots lying on the mat next to it.
- >How you didn't see them before escapes you, but you subtly slide over to them and pull them on.
- >Hoofsteps upstairs alert you.
- >Straining your ears, you can hear voices.
- >"Anything?"
- >"N-no, he's not in here either! Where -is- he?"
- >"Is he a spy or something? I've never met anyone so stealthy!"
- >"Well maybe he's downstairs again..."
- >"Maybe."
- >They move out of what you think was your bedroom and towards the stairs.
- >You need to find a place to hide.
- >But where?
- >So caught up are you in your decision making that by the time you settle on 'just go to the basement again', there are two abominable ponies stood before you.
- >One of them grins.
- >"Hi."
- "Stop."
- >She cocks her head.
- "Mallet moment."
- >Slap her with the inflatable mallet.
- >She reels backwards, letting out a squawk and crashing to the floor, bouncing several times and cracking the floorboards each time she does so.
- >Ignoring the physics of that, you turn to the other snowpony and hurl a handful of baubles at her hooves.
- >They bounce off the floor and hit her in the face.
- >She starts crying and clutches onto your leg.
- >Try to shake her off.
- >She just cries harder.
- >Sigh and attempt to remove her.
- >She seems to cling on harder the more you pull.
- >Like a suction cup made of hurt feelings.
- >By now, the other snowman has recovered from her mallet-induced minor concussion and has lurched over to you.
- >She grabs your other leg and refuses to let go.
- 6/?
- >Stare at the ponies holding your legs.
- >You can't easily move them.
- >This is it.
- >This is your life now.
- >Groan and take a single step towards the back door.
- >You can still make it.
- >This can all be over.
- >You're still not even sure what -this- is, so far you've hit Rarity and Pinkie Pie with mallets and baubles and made them cry.
- >Hell of a morning.
- >You wish Rainbow Dash was here to help you.
- >The pony that was crying stops for a moment to warble at you in an incoherent and indecipherable language.
- >"A-aww we wadded wuz t-to k-kissuu!"
- "What."
- >She clears her throat.
- >"A-all we wanted was to kiss you!"
- "Gross."
- >You reach the back door and step out into the snow.
- >The two ponies try to stay latched onto your legs, but the cool touch of mother nature causes them to shiver and drop off.
- >You look down at them with contempt.
- "That's what you get for... Well I can't actually remember why you're here or why this even happened, but that's what you get!"
- >One of the snowponies gives you doe-eyes.
- >"So this... This wasn't your fetish?"
- "Hell naw. To be honest, I'm very disappointed in you, Rarity and you too, Pinkie."
- >The two ponies look at each other, confused.
- "What you thought I didn't know? Thought I would be tricked by your act? I caught on the moment I threw bleach at you."
- >"Umm--"
- "Face it, Rarity and or Pinkie, I'm too smart for you."
- >Tap the side of your skull.
- "Human intelligence, bitch."
- >Turn to walk back inside.
- >Crush your nose against the closed door.
- >Mutter an apology to it and hurry inside.
- >Lock it for good measure.
- >Mission accomplished.
- >Stare at the back door to Anon's house.
- >Rainbow Dash is just as bewildered as you.
- >"Uh, was Anon always so... dim?"
- "Yeah... I was sort of betting on him being tricked into fucking us."
- >"Think I came on too strongly?"
- "Just a little bit."
- >"Eh, we can always try again later. It isn't Hearths Warming Eve yet!"
- >Smile at her.
- 7/?
- "You're right! We'll get him, and he'll be sure to love us as soon as we figure out what exactly he wants from us!"
- >You pick yourself up and walk away through the snow.
- >Rainbow Dash follows, hovering alongside you.
- >"Hey, I just got an idea!"
- "Oh?"
- >"What if we did carols?"
- "I'm not sure they have carols at Christmas."
- >"Pffft, why wouldn't they? He said our two holidays were pretty much the same so we should totally go over there and carol!"
- "But... How will he find that sexy?"
- >Rainbow furrows her brow.
- >"Darn it... Well what do you think we should do?"
- "How about we just break in at night and tie him to his bed?"
- >Rainbow Dash stops and turns to you.
- >You both give each other a look.
- >Rainbow taps her chin slowly.
- >...
- >"...Yes."
- >"Can you see anything?"
- "No, it's really dark!"
- >"Keep searching!"
- >Rainbow Dash picks up a small stone and frowns.
- >"His key is always around here somewhere..."
- "What if he got cautious and took it in with him?"
- >You gasp.
- "W-what if he's wearing it around his neck while he sleeps and we have to carefully take it off him without waking him up?!"
- >Rainbow scratches her head.
- >"Wouldn't we have to like, be inside for that?"
- "..."
- >Rainbow Dash eventually finds Anon's front door key.
- >Sellotaped to his front door.
- >In a moment, you're both inside.
- >Carefully wipe your hooves on his welcome mat.
- >Dash gives you a deadpan look.
- "I-It's polite..."
- >"We're about to rape him, Fluttershy."
- "I prefer 'struggle snuggle'."
- >"You prefer anything involving something cutesy."
- >Grumble under your breath and walk upstairs to Anon's bedroom.
- >Peeking through a crack in his door, you motion for Dash to follow you in.
- >Both of you stare down at the sleeping form of Anonymous.
- >He stirs in his sleep.
- >"Mmph... Not the soup..."
- >You suppress the urge to jump on him and make him yours right then and there.
- 8/?
- >Rainbow Dash puts some rope in your hooves and you both set about tying him down.
- >Lean over him to tie a knot.
- >For a brief moment, you're enraptured by how beautiful his eyes are...
- >...
- "Uh oh."
- >Anon stares up at you in the dark, leant over him with rope and breathing heavily.
- >"Fluttershy."
- "H-Hi?"
- >"What are you doing?"
- >You panic and look at Rainbow Dash.
- >"We're Jesus!"
- >You and Anon both give Dash incredulous looks.
- >To her credit, Dash sticks to the story.
- >"It's true! I'm Jesus and this is my partner, Chess!"
- "Christ."
- >"Cress!"
- >Anon looks between the two of you and folds his arms.
- >"Hand on, Jesus wasn't blue or yellow."
- >You purse your lips.
- "Oh but I, I mean we, are! The boggle just left that out!"
- >Anon raises an eyebrow.
- >"Yeah? Well in the boggle you also die, so nice try."
- "I umm, didn't?"
- >"What."
- "The book lied."
- >At this point you're just saying whatever comes into your head in hopes that it sticks.
- >Rainbow Dash carries on for you.
- >"Come on, Anon, who are you going to believe, Jesus and Chips, or some dusty old book?"
- >Anon scratches his chin in thought.
- >"Well it -is- pretty dusty... Alright, I'll buy it."
- >You and Rainbow cheer.
- >...
- "Uh, could you excuse us for one moment?"
- >"Aight."
- >Drag Rainbow Dash outside into the hallway.
- "Okay, two things, the first is that Anon is... Um, really stupid."
- >"Yu huh."
- "The second is, what do we do now? Jesus was a really important figure to Anon!"
- >"We'll just make it up! We have him eating out of our hooves!"
- >You nod shakily and follow Dash back in.
- >Rainbow perches herself on the bed and smiles at Anon.
- >"Anon, how would you like to join me in getting nailed? You know, for old times sake."
- >The human gawps at her.
- >"You want me to nail myself to a cross and die?"
- 9/?
- >...
- >"...Y-- No. I want you to show me a good time! I've been real busy lately doing..."
- >She trails off and looks to you helplessly.
- "Collecting sea shells!"
- >"Yeah! That's it! Also beach ball!"
- >The human cocks his head slightly.
- >"Jesus plays beach ball?"
- >"Sure does! He also plays other 'fun' games, too!"
- >Anon narrows his eyes.
- >"I don't know, Jesus... The Boogle explicitly forbids fun."
- >Dash snorts.
- >"Boogle schmoogle, I already told you that I'm the real deal, Anon."
- >"I know... But I just wonder sometimes."
- >He sighs.
- >"Every get the feeling you're just being spoken to and interacted with by people just so they can take advantage of you and use you like a piece of disposable equipment?"
- >You glance at Dash.
- >She raises an eyebrow.
- >"Well, uhh, I dunno, Anon, your equipment can be used more than once. Hopefully."
- >"That's not the point... Earlier today two close friends of mine tried to rape me! In snowman costumes!"
- >He sighs.
- >"They weren't even realistic..."
- "Yes they were-- Oops."
- >Anon stares at you.
- >Dash motions for you to shut up.
- "I mean, they were great! I would know because I'm Jesus! And I know everything!"
- >Anon nods.
- >"True, you do."
- >He brightens up.
- >"Speaking of which, you know that horrific sexually transmitted disease that causes necrosis and four types of cancer to anyone that catches it that I have? Is that something that will go away over time or do I have to rub a cream on it?"
- >The room falls silent.
- >Rainbow Dash hops off the bed and walks out the door.
- >"Fuck this."
- "Rain-- uh, Christ! Wait!"
- >"Forget it, Fluttershy! He's not worth it!"
- >You hear the front door slam shut.
- >Nervously tap your hooves together and give a sheepish smile to Anon.
- >He scowls back.
- >You weigh up your options given the recent development.
- "So..."
- >...
- >...
- "W-wanna nail me?"
- 10/10
- The End.
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment