-sighs- its a lot of factors converging(as usual). I grew up on Yugioh, Pokemon, etc. I was mesmerized by the style. My brother is 6 years older than me and got me from a young age fascinated by fantasy: dragons, medieval weaponry, magic, etc so my best friend and I(JohnnyB) used to be total losers and make our own cards and monsters on paper and cut them out as action figures cuz neither of us was rich per se. From that I got into drawing(at about age 5/6). It happened more so cuz ave lots of minor neurological/muscular issues(like suspected ADHD or autism). They talked about giving me sedatives or whatnot cuz I couldn't calm down. Terrified by that I decided to find my own means of calming down. My parents forced me into karate for a bit(which I hated) as a means of getting some control on myself. I went back to a temporarily shelved passion of drawing and it worked. I immerse myself fully losing all sense of time or place or whatnot when at my peaks of creating. It worked for sure. I never got tested and tranquilized etc.
Then we enter the years i was depressed(half or so of my life). I needed a release. There had to be a reason I was here. I was miserable and just was prodded to want to end it. Repeatedly. Every day. I made my own fantasies; I almost exist more in my imagination. I created disgusting worlds(stop reading now unless you want me to get very personal)