The Case of Anonymous vs. Armor: Prologue

This is the Original Author's work (blessed be his name), not mine. Repasted here without permission.


>You are Anon.
>"Unnf! Oh..Uhn!.."
>And you are currently playing audience to a session of coitus between your alleged "Husband and Wife" Prince Shining Armor, and Princess Cadenza mi amore.
>How could such a ridiculous thing happen?
>Simple!
>Too many drinks, during a vacation to Las Pegasus. Fuck.
>You don't know how it happened, but you were roped into this nonsensical three-way marriage you really wanted no part of.
>"Shining..uhn! Wait..waiit!.."
>You're sitting in a chair next to the window in the corner staring out into the blue sky, arms crossed.
>Whenever they were in the mood, you were forced..no literally forced to go with them.
>"Anon..haah. haah..Don't you want to share our love?"
>Cadence is hunched over on their bed, with Shining mounted on her plot.
>His hooves are placed on each side, holding her steady.
"I'll pass."
>You say annoyed.
>The room smells like a fucking stable.
>SA looks back at you.
>"Anon! Buddy! c'mon! don't be a stick in the mud-"
>He reaches a leg back and parts his buttcheek.
>"-when you can plant your stick in my mud."
[spoiler]fuck. I got a semi from that.[/spoiler]
>You grimace.
"No thanks. Just hurry up so I can go okay? I was chatting up this cute little mare downstrairs and-"
>Cadence gasps, and removes her hubby's sword from her innards, sliding off their bed and trotting up to you.
>"Anonymous the human! You weren't thinking of cheating on us were you?"
>Is this a fucking joke?
"Is this a fucking joke?"
>Cadence shakes her head.
>"Not even a little bit Anonymous. Marriage is a serious thing here in Equestria, and you're speaking to the advocate of love here."
>You uncross your arms.
"What "Love"? I got wasted with you two loons in Las Pegasus and ended up hitched to BOTH of you. There is no "love" on my part. Just extreme inconvience!"
>Cadence backs away tearing up.
>"Anonymous..h-how could you be so mean!"
>She runs out of the bedroom crying, leaving you and your hubby(ugh) Shining Armor.
>The look on your face right now is that of disbelief.
>Shining walks up to you and props his top half up on your lap.
>His erect Stallionhood is poking your leg.
>It's sticky.
>You want to pull away but you don't have room.
>"Anon, that wasn't cool man. We both love you very much, and only want you to be happy with us."
>You give Shining the same look.
"Are you insane?! It's only been about three days! You force me to watch you two have sex! Why is this happening to me?!"
>He frowns disappointedly at you.
>"well we always offer to let you join in.."
>You could fucking care less. These two have to be on crack or some other narcotic to be this goofy.
>"I know you're new to this marriage thing Anon, but we're doing our best. We just want you to understand that. I think you should apologize to our wife."
"Fuck you."
>"Well if you did that, we wouldn't be here at this point right now bro!"
>Oh my sweet raptor god. Bring the lightning.
>His dick is pressed up against your leg now.
>You bite your bottom lip in anger.
"Fine! Fucking fine! I'll go say sorry! Just get your cock off me! Jesus!"
>He beams at you and pats your lap.
>"Just give me a little kiss first."
>What.
"What."
>He puckers his lips.
>"C'mon. plant one on your husband anonypoo."
>You give him a deadpan face and wide reciever palm his face off.
>The sound of his cock coming off your pants leg sounds like a sticker being peeled off.
>Fucking hell.
>You stomp out into the hallway looking left and right, In search for princess crybaby.
>A crystal guard standing nearby points in the direction of the kitchen.
>He shrugs.
>"Bitches, man."
>You make a mental note to promote that guy, as you give him your thanks and speed walk towards the kitchen.
>The scent of baked goods wafts in the elongated hallway.
>A lot of ponies didn't know this about her, but when cadence was stressed, she'd bake her pink ass off.
>You round the corner to the warm, messy prep room.
>Like expected the princess is on a cooking frenzy, pouring batter into muffin tins.
>Seventeen trays of muffins sit spread all over the room in disarray.
>She can really go at it when she wants.
>You wonder if maybe baking is her talent.
"Ahem!"
>You clear your throat loudly.
>Cadence doesn't react.
>Her cheeks are stained with tears, her mug curved into a frown.
>"What do you want?" She says with more than a little malice in her tone.
>You scratch the back of your head.
>You don't really want to do this. You weren't wrong to feel the way you did. A man can only take so much after all.
"Uh..sup?"
>Cadence stops stirring to glare at you.
>""sup"?! That's all you have to say for yourself?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
>Her jaw drops in offense.
>She puts down her bowl and marches over to you.
>"You are easily the worst husband in the history of equestria, you morose, loveless imbecile!"
>da fuck?
"I never asked to be your husband you self-centered pink piece of pony shit!"
>Cadence grabs your right hand in magic, and puts her left hoof up.
>"Then you shouldn't have put a ring on it!"
" I was drunk!"
>" That's not an excuse!"
"It's the truth!"
>"Muleface!"
"Cunt colored whore!"
>"Buck you!"
"Fuck you!"
>You both glare at one another for a brief second, before she throws herself on you in a heated kiss.
>You slide your hands under her and toss the princess to the side.
"What the fuck?!"
>Standing up, you wipe your mouth and spit.
>She fucking tastes like Shining.
>Cadence picks rises and gives you an odd look.
>"Why'd we stop?"
>Why'd we stop?!
"You bitch! We never started!"
>Cadence cocks an eyebrow at you, and magicks up a book titled "101 ways to turn on a Minotaur".
>You begin to slowly fume.
>"I don't get it! chapter twenty-two says that tense, and possible violent situations turn on males. So what went wrong?"
>You pick up the bowl she was stirring batter with and chuck that shit at the wall.
"I AIN'T NO MUHFUCKING MINOTAUR BITCH!"
>Cadence jumps in surprise at your outburst.
>Shining armor pokes his head around the corner.
>"Did it work sweetie?"
>They were in on this? Those were fucking Crocodile tears?!
"You two sick fucks were trying to guilt trip me into having sex?! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?"
>You look from Shining, who is slowly trying to disappear around the corner.
>Cadence squee-smiles at you, clearly ashamed that their ploy failed.
>You bite your bottom lip in pure rage.
>Three days of this.
>Seventy-two hours removed from a drunken las pegasus wedding.
>It's been "Anon come do your husbandly duty" Or "Anon come cuddle with us.".
>You used to be great friends before this, but now they're driving you up the wall. UP THE FUCKING WALL.
>You stand there, face red with anger, fists clenched, and teeth grit.
>"Anon..? Are you okay?" Cadence asks stepping forward, and putting a hoof on your arm.
>You suddenly freeze. You're so angry you hadn't considered the solution. It was so simple. Haha! It was in your face all along!
"I'm absolutely fine."
>Shining takes his place by Cadence's side.
>They exchange worried looks.
>A couple guards rush into the kitchen armed with spears.
>"Your highnesses! We heard a loud crash! Is everything okay?"
>You turn to the guards with a warm smile.
"Everything is fine guards. Everything is fine now."
>Shining armor smiles at you wary of what may come next.
>"Th-that's cool Anon. Everything's fine right?"
>You nod with a enlightened smile.
"Yes. it is now."
>Cadence does her breathing exercise.
>"That's good. then perhaps we can try to resume where we left off back in the bedchambers?"
>You lower your head and raise a finger and wag it.
"I'm afraid that won't be happening princess."
>They both look at each other and you.
>"Why not? You just said everythings fine!"
>Wordlessly you exit the kitchen and head to your own personal room.
>Both the princess and prince follow you, pelting you with questions.
>"Anon! Wait! What are you doing?"
>Anon bro! Can't we talk about this?"
>You enter the room and move to your closet.
>You retrieve a suitcase given to you by Rarity back in Ponyville.
>"Anonymous? Are you packing your things?"
>"Are you going somewhere bro? C'mon talk to us!"
>You place it on your bed and start packing your personals, and some clothing.
>Cadence sprawls out over your open suitcase.
>"Anonymous stop for just a moment and talk to us!"
>The time for talk is over.
>You pick up Cadence effortlessly and place her on the floor, and close up the suitcase.
>She scrambles to get up.
>Shining armor tugs on your leg with his magic.
>"Please just wait Anon! You're our husband! don't do anything reckless man!"
>The two guards from the kitchen are following along witnessing it all.
>"Dramaaaa-"
>You kick your leg and break his magic hold.
>You resume your silent trek to the front entrance of the Crystal Palace.
>They both occupy both sides of you, pelting you with questions.
>Cadence grabs your leg with her forelegs.
>You're currently dragging her along the crystal palace floor.
>"Anonymous! We're sorry! Please stop! Please!"
>You cease your automaton like marching.
>Shining helps his wife up, and they both look to you waiting for an explanation.
>Without turning around, you calmly say-
"I can't stay here anymore."
>Shining scoffs nervously.
>"Whaddya mean! We're married! You live here baby!"
>Cadence is sweating with a worried look on her face.
>"Right! W-we love you so much Anonymous! Please don't go...?"
>You still haven't turned around.
"I can't stay here, because..I want a divorce."
>They both gasp.
"I'm moving back to Ponyville. My lawyer will contact you. I'm sorry."
>You continue walking.
>Shining stands there in stupified shock.
>Cadence gallops in the way of your path and attempts to block you.
>"No! we can talk about this Anon! Please! Don't do this! PLEASE!"
>She stands on her hind legs and presses you back, tears streaming down her face. Real ones this time.
>It would break your heart, if you had any left to give right now.
"Guardsponies. Restrain the princess please."
>They look at each other confused.
"I'm not gonna ask twice. I'm still the prince until the divorce is final."
>They shrug and cautiously trot towards Cadence.
>She looks into your eyes sobbing uncontrollably.
>"Anon! Please! We need you! Please don't go! We'll do whatever you want! We just wanted you to share our love!"
>The guardsponies reluctantly take cadence by her forelegs and pull her away.
>She struggles and kicks, and bites, but it's of no use against their crystal bodies.
>You start walking. If you go without taking any breaks you should hit Canterlot by nightfall, then onward to Ponyville after that.
>You can hear Cadence screaming your name.
>Shining hasn't budged an inch from his spot.
>But now you have some slight doubt.
>Did you do the right thing? Only time will tell.
>You've been walking for some time now, the Crystal Empire now nothing more than a pointy tower in the distance.
>The Sun is starting to set in the sky, and Canterlot is within view.
>You've had some time to think about things.
>Were you perhaps a little too harsh on them?
>You didn't want to be married to them, but you didn't want to lose them as friends either.
>It's tough love.
>You were against the idea, as soon as you had sobered up, but they didn't want to let you go.
>Your foot had to be put down.
>You're thankful there is a clear path for you to traverse.
>If you had to go through the forest, no doubt you'd get lost.
>You can hear the flapping of wings from behind you.
>It's a Guard Pegasus.
>You don't stop walking, but you do take notice of him.
>You were worried it was Cadence for a moment there.
>Cadence doesn't have a lot of practice flying, so you're not sure why you'd consider that she flew all this way.
>Love makes us do crazy amazing things though.
>The guard lands in front of you, with a letter in his mouth.
>You take the letter and look it over.
>It says "To our Beloved Anonymous"
>You roll your eyes.
>"It's from the Princess and Prince sir. They wanted to chase after you, but were advised not to at the behest of Princess Celestia."
>Well fucking shit. Celestia is involved now?
>You had planned to quietly enter Canterlot, and find an Inn to stay in hopefully not raising any bells.
"Er..Thank you guardspony. You can go."
>He salutes, and prepares to take off.
>"Sir? Permission to speak freely?"
>You look at him.
>He's shaking a little. After that outburst back at the castle, you'd be surprised if there weren't any ponies a little scared of you at this point.
"Go for it."
>He clears his throat.
>"You should consider going back sir. They're little more than blubbering messes without you."
>You frown and look away. You can't have regrets now.
>Tough love.
"I'm sorry. I can't. This has to be done guard. This conversation is done."