Supervillian/Warlord Marriage Proposal

*WINDOW SMASH*

[Coughing, throat clearing, etc.]

That...Could have gone better. I assure you this doesn't happen often, I was taught to crash through a window much better than /that/! You must have those new artsy-fartsy windows that they sell on the television or something...

[Various grumbling, but then brightening up.]

So you must be wondering why I'm here. I, my dear one, am here to propose marriage! I promise you that this isn't a joke - I came here all the way from my humble abode just to ask for your lovely hand. Should you accept my offer, (Which I'm sure you shall.) I'll make you the happiest little queen that an evil lair ever did see.

....

What do you /mean/ you don't know who I am?! Don't you watch the news? Don't you look outside that godforsaken window of yours?! I look at /you/ all the time, so I don't understand why-

[Embarrassed sputtering, then a heavy sigh.]

Alright, alright, I may as well introduce myself. See that mountain in the distance? Dark, spooky, pointy, forbidden? There's a castle up there. That castle is mine. If you bothered to associate yourself more with the outside world, you may notice that I come down from that castle every week just to try and take over this pathetic civilian zoo you call a "Hometown". Why, last week I had the brilliant idea of trying to open up an inter-dimensional portal in the town square! It would have created a most lovely display of destruction once some 21st level creatures came rampaging through - It would have leveled the place like an earthquake! Yet, that's not quite what we're here to discuss...

Yes, my offer was quite sincere. Even a heartless rogue like myself becomes lonely every once and a while, no? Being surrounded by an army of morons is already enough to drive me to my wits end, but sometimes the nights are just too cold and lonely. Big bed, no one to share it with. No lap to fall asleep in, no pretty face to gaze upon, not even the lovely smile of a woman to tempt a smile of my own!

[This is where the ham really starts to get heavy, now using a sobbing voice with a ridiculous amount of self-pity.]

Woe as I! Is company of the fairer sex really all that scarce in this day and age? Girls these days only think about their petty gadgets and tattoos in unmentionable places and becoming shamefully drunk - Is it truly too much to ask for a female who prefers wanton destruction of innocent, peaceful cities and creating freeze rays as opposed to lewd dancing and their next hook-up?

[Sighs. Trying to get it back together.]

I digress. I've watched you from afar for quite some time. While you may not be the cruel beauty that I've always dreamed of, you stir...Quite the longing in me. It's not quite like the feeling that I feel when I look at other female civilians. It feels.../Peculiar/. I've studied you like every other woman that I have so far, yet watching you will never be fulfilling unless your attention is on myself. /I/ wish to be the one to make you smile and laugh and...And you know those little cooing noises you make when you wake up and stretch? I want to watch you do that while I'm beside you, that would be most exhilarating! I believe you normal folk would refer to the rushing sensation as the effects of seeing something "Cute".

I've decided that truly, this must be true love! I have a project to work on later tonight, so in true villainous fashion, I must strike while the iron is hot. It's not every day that you get an offer of marriage from a handsome devil such as myself, so make haste in your decision as well! I'll even let you bring the contents of your meager house and indulge you in your more /interesting/ favorite fetish acts. This all being said...

[Pauses to get down on one knee.]

Anonymous female poster - Would you do me the honor of ruling beside me as my dastardly queen? I assure you, we could get up to some /excellent/ mischief with each other...