gil - 01/09/2017
i still think about it all
and some things are distant
and i don't remember some things
exact words
exact thoughts and actions
especially since 95% of it all was in a skype call
ykno he had a kitten, he had several
but his favorite one was a black and white one
he introduced me to filthy frank which i still like him but only for his music
he named that cat ochinchin bc filthy frank joke
he thought it was funny that his mom let him name that cat that
and he had sent me a picture of the cat, laying on his lap content
and awhile later
we started a call a few months or so later and he was in tears sobbing and telling me he found that cats little body in the road
and it was his stream day and ppl in the skype chat were asking abt his stream
i told them yeah not today his cat died
maybe another day
i dont know why i remember it
or that in particular
we used to argue a lot and i would get angry
and hed play the victim
and make me feel horrible until i comforted him and he was okay
even if i was breaking down bc of my anger and through tears i was suppose to comfort him
why is he still around and why do i still think and remember things
its over and done but its still haunting me
and i know it always will
and theres nothing i can do about it
he argued near the end of it that he was good because he asked me everyday how my headmates were doing
i didnt ask him to
he just did
i didnt want him to
neither did they
now they dont talk or front much anymore
he scared them
he did talk to one once
the headmate yelled at him and hated him and the headmate told me he was bad but i thought the headmate was just overreacting because i know the headmate doesnt like anyone else but rhys
and he told me once i was fronting again that he learned a lot talking to my headmate and that he would try and be better
he wasnt
i would like to think that im healing
and recovering
and getting better
but im not
im still not over being left for dead in a cold dark basement
and that was many years ago
but this is recent
or about as recent as it can be
coming to be 2 years
and since its recent its all i think about
for no reason at all
eating candy ill think about him or playing a puzzle game or singing or cleaning
i dont think ill ever be okay and i think some of me has already accepted that
but also not
i also think i should have died in that basement, too
and another part of me is angry and will live out of spite
the rest is emotionless therefore i am
no goals no direction
kinda sucks todd
sorry for all this dumb text
its 4:38 am
im crying and tired
but i also dnt feel anything