sharks - appendicitis

(from Eduard Ovechkin’s “Sharks of Steel”)
Link to Russian original: https://legal-alien.ru/akuly-iz-stali/glava-v/appendiks
Appendix
     I don’t really fall ill all that often. Besides annual medical checkups, during my whole Navy and Search and Rescue service there are only two records in my medical log.  One of them is regarding the appendicitis. Say, what do you, in that boring civilian life of yours, do when your tummy hurts? Well, here’s how it was in my case.
       After we’ve shot our missile we were allowed some shuteye. For the first time since we’ve set sail a month ago the sub was quiet and peaceful: everyone was asleep. We started at around three AM, and then at seven I was woken up for dinner. Upon waking up I thought I’ve never really slept for that long, so I didn’t even recognize the pain in my stomach. Didn’t feel that bad, so whatever. At lunch I’ve only sipped some soup and ate the cutlet - nothing else was appetizing. Which should’ve been the first alarm actually: when you’re young and out in the sea on a sub you permanently hungry, no exceptions.
“Hey, Eduard,” Antonych, the one on bridge watch at the time, asked me. ”You’re kinda green and in pain, what’s wrong?”
“Stomach hurst as hell.”
“How many cutlets did you get to eat?”
“Just one, barely.”
“That’s bad. Go see the doc, you’re seriously scaring me.”
“Yeah, and who’s gonna be on watch?”
“Call Borisych, Idunno. He’s been sleeping for five hours already. Which directly violates the military regulations that order him to tolerate all the hardships and miseries of the service.”
So we wake Borisych up and I shuffle into hospital.
Our medical bay was located in the first compartment and consisted of the three chambers: preliminary and surgery room (4 by 3 meters with a couch, dental chair and various medical devices), then a two-person ward (1,5 by 2 meters, bunk bed) and a separate latrine. The bay held a crew of three: two doctors and an orderly.
The one on duty at the time was our physician(also dentist, therapist, urologist, ophtalmologist and otolaryngologist) Andrei. Sasha the surgeon, semi-concious after ice dancing not so long ago[separate story] was lying on the bunk bed and reeking of alcohol. Can’t say we were all buddy-buddy with the docs, but there’s one thing you should remember: our docs weren’t fucktards and neither was I, so that automatically made us friends. Because if two men on a sub are not fucktards they’re invariably friends regardless of their personalities.
“ ‘Hell you need here?” Andrei asked friendly.
“Stomach pain.”
“Constipated?”
“You’re constipated yourself. It simply hurts.”
Andrei sifted me some pills and returned to studying the preferans theory, feeling his duty was fulfilled.
After swallowing the pills I went on to my vigilant watch. The vigilant watch lasted some fifteen minutes, after which I made a beeline to latrine and barfed out the half-digested pills. After calling Borisych yet again I shuffled back to Andrei.
“Are you kiddin’ me?” Andrei was just studying the misere tricks all docs liked.
“Andrei, I’ve just thrown up all your pills. What did you give to me you jerk?”
“Really? Hurts the same?”
“No. Even more now.”
“Lie down on the couch.”
So I did. Andrei palpated here and there and asked couple of questions.
“Okay, bro. Seems like you’ve got appendicitis!”
“Appendicitis friggin’ where?” The snoring in the ward stopped immediately and we were graced with Sasha’s red eyes in an alcoholic mist, all swaying and surging.
“In a fucking tummy Sasha, where else? Okay, Edik, here’s a different pill. Swallow it and lie down for an hour. You’re off duty. Cap’s in the Central? Gotta go report.
     I swallowed the special pill and enjoyed my well-earned (by my stomach) rest. An hour passed (maybe a tad more) and I was called into the medical bay. The pain subsided, but everyone arond knew the whole story already and kept sending me suspiciously gentle looks. Both docs sat and smiled in anticipation of the fun. Sasha’s still reeking a bit, of course, and his eyes are still red, but he’s absolutely fucking sober and his hands are steady! I think last time I’ve been surprised so much was when I was five; that was when I’ve first seen motorbikes riding upside down and believed in magic.
“Sasha!!” I couldn’t help it. “How in holy fuck’n hell can this happen?! You were barely standing an hour before! What devil lord of the sea bottom have you sold your soul to?!
“For goodness sake, stop being so emotional. What do you think they’ve taught me in the medical university for six years straight? Cutting out appendices? Pfff! How to fight off the hangover of course! Lie down, gonna palpate you some!
“Is it even legal?” I decided to clarify since my medical knowledge back then hadn’t reached such scary words yet.
“Well, it’s against the law in some countries, but not on a Navy ship on active duty.”
Did I tell about our docs having an awesome sense of humor yet?..
Anyway, after groping me everywhere and measuring my temperature Sasha said:
“Bad news, bro. It may be peritonitis, not appendicitis.”
“Alexander! I’m a fucking naval officer-dash-engineer! I don’t know none of your swearwords and don’t understand shit, so I’m not offended at all!”
“Let’s go see the cap,” Andrei said. “He needs to make a decision.”
“Oookay, punk,” our cap gladly greeted us. “That’s it, I heard? What’s his life expectancy again, doc?”
“Several hours. Days tops.”
“So this is how it goes, dear Edward. We’ve got two options. Option one: we disregard our combat mission and fleet planning and dash full speed ahead to clear waters. It will take us five to seven days. There the hospital ship will supposedly await. If they scrape enough fuel and she won’t break down midway, that is. Option two: you hand yourself to our medical practitioners. It’s all voluntary, so up to you.”
“Well,” I replied, “the thought of a hospital ship with all the hop nurses kinda makes my mouth water. But what if there’s no hot ones and I’d risk my young life in vain?”
“Of course,” Cap says, “we can’t ignore such possibility. But since the whole fleet is on toes after the news about you we can order all the personal records for every nurse and female cook out there to check their appearance. But I won’t, because making your commanding officer envious is a fucking bad thing!”
“Our docs it is then, I’m outta options.”
“Make a note in the logbook: ‘agreed to surgery voluntarily, didn’t even resort to beating’”.
“For fuck’s sake, Sasha, why write verbatim?!” Antonych looked behind the secret department officer writing the entry. “That was a joke!”
“Dunno zilch,” Sasha mutters. “I’m a secret department officer, not a comic. Ain’t taught to understand jokes. I write what I hear.”
“So, Ed,‘ Andrei gives me instructions. “We start preparing the surgery bay. You go take a shower, gotta be clean in case you die. And also shave off all the hair from nipples down to the shaft. And cap’n, sir, we would need someone not afraid of blood as a nonsterile nurse.”
“You need a woman or would a man be fine too?” Cap’s getting overly merry.
“A woman. But a man is fine too.”
Five minutes later the whole ship knows and everyone looks at me with a mix of horror and awe. When I headed to shower stalls with a towel and a razor, Dima, contractor seaman on duty in the seventh compartment, almost lends me a hand.
“You go wash yourself, I’ll guard behind the door so that no one would turn off the boiler and all!”
“Dima, how about you also shave my belly? Shit seamen do just to slack off! Go check your compartment like you’re fucking supposed to, not scratch your balls lazing around at the shower stall. I can turn the boiler on by myself alright, I’m not some torpedo officer.”
So I took a shower, shaved the body hair off and headed to the surgery bay. Dima is leding the way.
“Dima, you’re leaving your watch, are you sure you’re not an idiot?”
“Anatolich, Central ordered me to lead you to the medical bay and open all the bulkheads so you don’t strain yourself!”
“Did they also order you to shout ‘Dead Man Walking’ in the meantime?”
“Oh fuck you and your stupid jokes!”
“Fuck you instead. How do you talk to a superior officer?”
“I’m a man, I fuck girls.”
“Kinder-fucking-garden!‘
Dima was a very good specialist: well-knowledged, responsible, fun and loving his job. Absolutely not a fucktard, and as you already may conclude, that made us frieands with a bonus of freely telling each other to go fuck themselves.
Compartment watch personnel all got out and followed me with tearful looks.
Here’s what I saw in the surgery bay: orderly was sterilizing the bay using the mop and a bucketful of ethanol, while the two docs were reading: Andrew the physician had “Appendicitis for Dummies: a Navy guide. 1957”, while Sasha the surgeon gazed at “Planet Earth’s native humanoid’s internal anatomy atlas”. I naturally felt very uneasy.
“Erm, guys? You sure you know what to do?”
“Well, you’re welcome to roam our hospital and look for someone better!” Sasha advised and both docs made giggled morbidly.


I undressed and lied down. Over my head was white ceiling with equally white lamps, around me were white coat-clad people. Ain’t very cozy if you ask me. They took some time deciding on nonsterile orderly candidate. Finally they decided upon the flagship navigator since he had a cool-ass video camera to film the whole epic.
“Well, see you guys and godspeed.” I said.
“What do you mean ‘see you’? You going anywhere?” Andrei asked.
“Well, uhh, anaesthetics and all that! I’m gonna be put to sleep and wake up a fully new human light edition!”
“Oh really?” Andrei is surprised. “You’ve got some fellow anaesthesiologists on board? Because I don’t. So novocaine is the drug of choice and you ain’t goin’ anywhere, buddy.
“Uhhh, so it’s gonna hurt?”
“Well you bet! And, Ed, the golden rule of medicine is: a well-affixed patient doesn’t need anaesthetics!"
So they hanged some sheets at chest level, so that I wouldn’t see what they forgot inside me.
“Hey!” I protest. “I don’t agree on that! Maybe I’ve dreamed my whole life to look inside myself and get to know my inner working better! I can’t miss on such a perfect opportunity!”
“Nuh-uh,” Sasha muttered. “Ain’t fuckin’ allowed.”
“But why not?”
“You have to stay concious.”
“And why would I be UNconcious?”
“Edik, shut the fuck up and don’t distract us!”
“I’m kinda scared, you know. What’s with the attitude?”
“Here’s your nonsterile nurse, have fun.”
Damn those docs. How am I gonna have fun with the flagship navigator if he’s busy filming the epic?
The docs meanwhile injected something in my stomach, said “off we go” and cut the peritoneum open (or whatever it’s called). Nonsterile nurse immediately fainted. That was the end of an epic, basically.
“For fuck’s sake! I told you to get someone who’s not afraid!” Andrei voices his disappointment while Sasha and the orderly are busy cutting.
”Central!!” Andrei shouts into the “Larch”[designation for the sub’s announcement system] “Gimme someone else! We’re wasting time here!”
“Not gonna dig in for now then,” Sasha said folding his hands on the stomach. The orderly shook the navigator awake and chased him away.
Some twenty minutes later another one came in, don’t remember who exactly.
“Here, look,” Sasha said and peeled the tissue off. The guy turned green.
“Okay, get the fuck outta here! NEXT!”
“Central!! Next!! Gimme someone normal already”.
The third one turned out to be our junior political officer Oleg. He was an avid hunter and was very offended he wasn’t chosen first. Because he was my overlooking political officer and it was his duty to learn about my inner workings.
“Hey there fellows!” Oleg greeted us. “What, can’t do shit without me?”
“Look,” Sasha said.
Oleg smiled:
“And what’s so interesting in there? Just like a boar except less fur.”
“That’s the spirit!” Both docs brightened. “Instruct him!”
The orderly  showed him the locations of all those pincers and stuff and told the order of handing them.
“Got it,” Oleg said, “Now what?”
“Now entertain our patient and don’t let him fall unconcious.”
“Sooo, what would you like?” Oleg smiled to me. “How about the sixth assembly of RSDRP(B)?”
“Nurrse,” I moan, “I’m so dead, gimme a tit to hold on to!”
“Where would I get one for you here? I weigh only fifty kilos. Should have asked the flagship navigator for that… Waaaaaait! That’s why he fainted!”
And so we’ve been enduring the pain for some time like that. Well, I’ve been, he was just pretending to feel sympathetic.
The docs cut open all the needed layers and unfolded the guts. Now they were gazing inside with a childlike curiosity.
“Now where’s the appendix?” Andrei asked.
“Should be around here.”
“I know, duh, I just don’t see one.”
“Well, we’re lucky then. Oleg, get us the atlas.”
Oleg unfolds that tapestry and lays it near me. Docs look inside.
“Ehm,” Sasha said. “Why did you set it sphincter to nose? Rotate it!”
“I only need to know where’s the liver and the rest” Oleg rebutts while turning the atlas the other way. After looking inside the docs started exploring my rich inner world again. It hurt like hell of course. Not as much as when your heart is broken, but close enough.
“Yuck, it’s gonna burst now, folks.” Sasha said quietly so that I wouldn’t hear, though I did anyway. “Now work very fast! To hell with the guts order, we’ll repack them later!” Then came the standard classical pincer-scalpel-clamp-tampon-drainage. Finally they cut it and tossed into a formalin jar. Sasha later showed it to me and explained where it was bloated, how it would burst and how I would die. According to his calculations they made it within 30 minutes to 1 hour before things would go south.
THen they’ve packed the guts back while checking the atlas. Quite some time had passed and my back started itching. I thought I was gonna die exactly due to that damn itch.
“Guys,” I asked finally. “Don’t bother with novocaine! Sew it as is, just make it fast and put me off this damn board!”
Oleg tried to use the ruler to scratch my ass, to no avail. The surgery was rather long, almost two hours since putting me on the table - they’ve spent 30 minutes just changing the nurses. Some time later I showed the seam and scar to civvie docs from from Department of Emergency Care, and they all told me the seam was fucking expertly made for the first time and in the sub.
After the operation docs, orderly and junior political officer carried me to the ward to recuperate. After that and reporting success to the Central they most probably celebrated my appendix. Andrei later offered me to take this jar home, so I would remember about Death. I refused: I always remember about it. Docs were decorated afterwards while I was offered to stay ashore for rehab. I refused of course, quoting “Russians don’t abandon their own.

My doctors’ names are Andrei Marchenko and Alexander Molochnikov. I know it’s a small world and maybe you may meet them some day. If that happens please tell them I’m eternally grateful for saving my life, and that sense of gratitude only increases over the years.


Watercolor paint by Maria Filatova