Anon can't enjoy his shit

>Be day 0.5 in Equestria

>You are Anonymous but you say Anon for short

>After going golfing with your friends you were pulled into the golf hole by a strange pink talking hor...pony

>She later tells you her name is Pinkie Pie and that she was fishing for some food for her pet alligator Gummi

>She...blah blah blah blah blah does she ever stop talking

>You zone out so you can look at your surroundings, you then just suggest one of your friends slipped some drugs in your gatorade

>Your then following the still chatting mare to her town...what did she call it? Ponyville? (how original)

>A few of the towns people give you weird looks which is normal because your giving them weird looks

>You then reach... wait is that tree?

>You and the STILL talking pony walk in and...IT'S A FUCKING LIBRARY

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

>"Oh so you can talk I thought you spoke a another language you I said Hola, Bonjour, Konee-chiwa, Aloha, which also considered good-bye in Hoovwaii, Guten-tag...."

>You zone out again, damn will she ever shutup

>You inspect the books but their all written in some weird language

"And I thought they spoke English"

>Pinkie pops out of the book you were inspecting

>"No silly, we don't speak English, but we speak ponylish which is close to English apparently but it must not be written the same..."

>You close the book while she's talking and then she appears in your face STILL FUCKING TALKING

>You zone out again until she brings in a unicorn with a purple coat and stars on her ass

>"And this is Twilight she's suuuuper smart....."

>You ignore her once you know the unicorn's name I mean really A FUCKING UNICORN IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

>You put on the widest motherfucking grin ever as you gingerly touch her horn

>"Hey that's sensitive",she says

>And she talks! A FUCKING TALKING UNICORN!!!

"Hey, my name's Anonymous but you can call me Anon" You say through your constant chuckling

>"Twilight Sparkle, nice to meet you" She says while protecting her horn and blushing madly

>"Oh if you like unicorns then you'll love Rarity, she's the dressmaker, want to meet her?"

"HELL YE...I mean sure I guess" You say containing your excitement

>Suddenly a dragon with a note shows up

>Unicorns and dragons this is one hell of a trip, good one guys

>"Twilight you got a note from...who's he"

"Anon, little dragon"

>"Ooookay I'm Spike, anyway you got a letter from Princess Celestia, it seems important"

>"Let me see," Twilight says while...IS DAT SOME TELEKINESIS UP IN THIS BITCH

>Hell yeah I'm starting to like talking horse town

>Twilight looks at you with horror, "Princess Celetia wants to meet you at a royal dinner tommorow and she wants the Elements of Harmony to be there for protection"

"Elements of Harmony?"

>"Yeah that's me,Twilight,Rarity,Applejack,Fluttershy,and Rainbow Dash"

"Oooookay then who's Princess Celestia?"

>Twilight looks at you like she going to slap your shit

>"Oh no one really just the ruler of Equestria and Goddess of the sun who can banish you to the moon"

>You put on the biggest "wat" face you've ever done

"Ok I know I've tripped on drugs but this takes the cake"

>They all say what in unison, Spike looks like someone found out a secret of his

"This is not really happening right someone punch me or something"

>Twilight give a straight punch in the jowl, "That's for touching someone's horn without their consent!"

"OWW...ow?...Ow!?!?!?!"

>It all comes to you now, your not dreaming, your not tripping and this is real

"OH HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE DICK IS GOING ON HERE!!!!"

>"I told you I was fishing for food for Gummi and, pop!, you came out of the water on my fishing pole just like that"

"So I'm stuck here?"

>"I guess so" Says Spike coming back from the cellar, wait what was he doing up there?

>You shrug it off

"Ok so now I have to go meet miss powerful sun goddess at some dinner with her knights of the round table"

>Twilight now really looks like she's going to sock you in face again but she manages to say yes between her deep as fuck breaths

>She's riding on this sun goddesses dick, but I don't want another hoof to the face

"So where do I stay till tomorrow"

>Pinkie raises her hoof, "Oh me you can stay with me we have plenty of room leftover in Sugarcube Corner"

>Sugarcube Corner, glorious

"Sounds great when do we get there?", You say with a fake ass grin on your face

>Pinkie looks like she's going to explode with joy "Now we can go there now, come on"

>Pinkie grabs your hand with her hoof and your dragged out of the library

>You both say bye to Twilight and Spike, Spike and Twilight say bye back although Twilight's was for just Pinkie

>Once the energetic little ball of pink drags you all the way to...seriously Sugarcube Corner is a gingerbread house

"I see where you get all your energy from"

>Pinkie either ignored you or didn't react as she opened the door, got on the floor, and danced the dinosaur with two small baby...Pegusus and Unicorn?

>"Pinkie is that you? we were starting to-AHHHH DEAR COME QUICK IT'S A MONSTER!" says a blue horse with a big as fuck hairdoo that looks like a strawberry swirl suprise cupcake

>"Now dear don't be soo-OH SWEET CELESTIA WHAT ARE YOU!!!!?" says lanky as fuck male horse with an orange-ish coat

"I'm Anon, and I'll have you know I was invited here"

>"Yeah I brought him, and he's super nice"

>The couple calms down finally and introduce themselves

>"I'm Cup Cake"

>"And I'm Carrot Cake"

>You try to suppress the torrent of laughter but it becomes to great and you laugh you ass off and fall on the ground

>Pinkie then lies next to you laughing and the baby cakes follow suit seconds later

>The babies then crawl into your hands and it's like some Looney Tunes shit up in dis bitch

>You four then later calm down

>"Oh that was fun, what were we laughing at?"

"Sorry it was just ironic how The Cakes are actually named after types of cakes and they own a bakery"

>"Wow, I never thought of it like that"

"Welp I'm gonna hit the hay, anywhere I can sleep?"

>"He can share my room, it'll be like a sleepover"

>"Are you ok with that because we have no other rooms"

>You reluctantly say yes, meanwhile Pinkie looks like she just got diabetes

>she grabs you by the hand to her bedroom

>"So what do you wanna do first, ghost stories?,truth or dare?,Tic-Tac-Toe?,...

"Sleep", you grab the spare blanket Pinkie gave you, lie on the floor without giving a fuck and try to sleep away this day

>"Aww come on one game of Truth or Dare? I mean it is a sleep over"

>She gives you the most adorable, diabetes inducing stare ever

>Come on if you say no, it's like your cutting off your own balls

"Fine" You turn to face Pinkie

>"Ooo, I'll start hmmm...Truth or Dare"

>She put alot of emphasis on the word Truth, so you guess she planned to chat you ear off with a shit ton of questions, so you say dare

>"Okay...hmmm...I dare you toooo- stand on one leg and hop around while touching your head at the same time

>It was harmless and childlike so you did it, nearly fell on your ass but no biggie

>Plus it was your turn

"Truth or dare?"

>"Hmmm, Dare"

"Ok I dare you to...uh...kiss your pet Gummi on the lips"

>"Okie Dokie Lokie" She pulls a small toothless alligator seemingly out of nowhere and gives it a huge kiss on the lips accompanied by a smack sound effect, "My truuurn, Truth or Dare?"

>You expect another childish act so you say dare

>Suddenly Pinkie gets a sinister look on her face that tells you shit is now real

>"I dare you...to kiss...me" When she said that you nearly shat yourself

"Nope, not gonna happen, goodnight" You lay back down facing away from Pinkie

>"Come on it's a dare you gotta do it"

"No"

>"Come on, pleeeeeeease?" she hit with that fucking stare again. You both sit there until you finally grumble what sounds like fine

>Kissing a horse, are you sure I'm not tripping balls

>You close your eyes as Pinkie nears her face to yours "Ready?"

>Get this over with already

>"Steady"

>alright here it comes

>...wat?

>You open your eyes and out of nowhere Pinkie rushes you as your lips touch and you fall on your blanket

>Out of nowhere her tongue rushes into your mouth and rolls around, and just as it began it ended

"HOLY FUCKING JESUS ALIVE"

>"Did I suprise you?"

"YOU SURE DID"

>"Heehee well it's your turn"

"No, I'm going to bed"

>"Come on, can't we play just alittle long, I promise it'll just be truth"

>Curse this girl and her adorable ways

"Fine but just for a little while and," You look at her with the most serious look you can find, "just.....truth"

>"Okay, so whats your first truth?"

"Uhh... are those your parents?"

>"No silly, my parents and sisters live on a rock farm outside of Ponyville"

>"So, what about your parents? Where do they live?"

"Well my parents live where I use to live, My dad is a really cool guy and my mom was always so caring and it was a pretty normal family compared to yours, welp goodnight"

>"Aww, well goodnight Anon"

>As you try to sleep your thoughts of your family make you feel home sick

>You miss how you and your friends would hang out everyday after work and get hammered on the weekends

>Sleep didn't reach you until late at night

>While asleep you feel something nudging your hand

>It felt warm so you didn't mind it

>Then you heard a very faint squeal and you could have sworn that your hand was wet, it was probably just Pinkie putting your hand in some warm water

>You chuckled in your sleep which made Pinkie slightly jump, she probably found out you know what she's doing and is trying to be a ninja about it

>When she continues putting your hand in warm water so you just ignore her and her childish games

>You then hear a small suppressed squeal. It was probably Pinkie trying to stop her laughter

>Your also guessing she dunked your hand lower in the warm water as it covers your hand

>After all that you hear the sound of Pinkie's hooves clopping as she walk back to her bed and small...thank you?

>You bring your hand over to your face and you swear it smells like cotton candy

>Whatever back to sleeping

>The sun rises and you are greeted by a pair of blue eyes staring straight into your face

"Holy shit!!!" You raise the fuck up like a fucking zombie, "what the hell Pinkie?!"

>"Oh sorry its just that we're about to leave to see the Princess and I didn't want you to miss it"

"How generous" You say with a hit of sarcasm, however this goes right past her head

>"You're welcome," She says enthusiastically, "Come on lets go"

"Hang on before we meet and all powerful sun goddess I need a shower"

>"Okay bathroom's down the hall on your left...and Anon?"

"Hmm?"

>"About last night well, no hard feelings right?"

"Nah Pinks we're cool"

>She sticks out her hoof which you bump with your fist, which in turn creates the first brof...err brohoof? ever

>Pinkie looks at you like you've created the greatest thing since sliced bread

>Whatever to the shower

>You clean yourself good, make sure your clothes are clean, through the foggy window you thought you saw some kind of pink ball of fluff but you dissmiss because you felt so shwag, so what if the ladies can't keep their hands off of you, its not like you can turn off shwagger of this magnitude

>In fact your so shwagger you have to say shwagger to describe it

>You get out of the bathroom with your shwag turned up past ten you walk outside

>if sunglasses could fall from the sky they'd...

>Sunglasses fall on your face at the exactly right moment, in fact it was so right it's like it was practiced as you walk with your shwag now past 9000

>"Hey my shades" Says a passing cyan...does that bitch have wings?

"Oh sorry," You almost killed yourself when you gave back her sunglass

>"Huh so your the new human we're gonna protect the Princess from?"

"'Fraid so"

>She pushes her face against yours "Then I've got my eye on you buddy" She says, trying to intimidate you

>You put on a cocky grin

"Good luck, little miss Rainbow"

>She shoots one last dagger and dashes off with a rainbow streak following her

"Crazy bitch"

>Alright where's Pinkie

>"Here I am!!" She says as if reading your mind

"Oooookay? so where Miss Sun goddess's castle

>"Over there"

>You look of the horizon and see a small dot on the side of a fucking mountain

"We don't have to walk there right?"

>"No silly, we use the chariot provided"

>Next to you stood two huge chariots driven by two large pegasi in heavy armor

>Horses on Pegasi drawn carrages it's like someone wrote this to be full of irony

>As you and Pinkie got on the chariots you couldn't help but shout as you looked at the castle area one more time

"NOW, BRING ME THAT HORIZON!!!"

>"What?"

"It's a movie from the human world you wouldn't understand"

>"Okie Dokie Lokie!!!"

>And with that you were both off speeding towards miss all powerful pants' house

>Minutes became seconds as you and Pinkie landed in what seem'd like a village of snobby assholes

>They all turned to look at you and instantly started hating on your shwagger

>You didn't care, the more haters you had, the more famous your would become

>You and Pinkie walked straight to the castle of the princess talking horseland

>Your haters instantly became frightened as you walked into the castle

>You combated these looks of fear with a simple middle finger before the door closed

>You and Pinks walked down a fucking huge corridor with guard on both YOUR side not Pinkie's yours

"Wow talk about a royal welcome"

>"I know isn't this great, dinner with a princess and two new friends it's like a dream come true!"

"More like a nightmare" You say under your breath

>Finally reached the kitchen after a really long ass walk

>Pinkie had to put on some necklace with a balloon on it and armor before she was seated

>She then joins her friends who are sitting on the sides of a stereotypically long ass table

>Wait there's that cyan pegasus again, some country hick by the looks of it, some snooty bitch who seems like she belongs here, A really quiet yellow pegasus who looks like she doesn't want to be here, and Twilight who (just like you said earlier) is riding on the sungoddess' dick by sitting next to her and wear some weird ass crown

>And there she was the Princess of Horseland she was white has a unicorn horn...AND PEGASUS WINGS? Well isn't she overpowered as fuck, plus she raises and sets the sun AND banishes people to the moon, really don't wanna fuck with her

>"Sit down please" Says Princess...Whatsherface

"Gladly your highness" You say with a small curtsey

>Pinkie's giggle turned into a laugh as Twilight shuts her up with magic, looking back at you suspiciously

>Man she really has the Princess's dick up her ass

>Speaking of asses you just remembered you had a shit brewing that could feed a small country for ten years

>Now you would blantanly walk out and go take your shit but there are guards at the doors and the princess just asked you to sit down

>Awww shit brain think fast, find someway to go shit without shiting myself here and now

>Fuck you I don't feel like thinking right now, gotta make your anus tighten like a bitch so your on your own

>Thanks alot you ass

>Your very welcome

>"...And in Twilight report she said you came out of seemingly nowhere right?"

"What...oh yeah well..."

>"ACTually, I fished him out while getting some fish for my pet Gummi" She literally pulls Gummi from seemingly nowhere and he just blinks at the princess not even giving a fuck

>Princess Sunhorse seems to be not amused "Right...ahem so tell me something about yourself...Anonymous? wasn't it?"

"Well I was born in the beginning of summer I believe around 1982. It was hot that day but mah mahmah knew that I would be great someday, and what do you know she was right here I am eating with a fucking sun goddess in the middle of snooty talking horse town, where they can't tell when their looking at some epic shwagganating going on right in thier faces. Golly gee, Bill I wish I had two weiners like Princess-can't-tell-when-someone-is-making-a great-ass-joke-right-next-to-you. But hey I gotta tell it was swell sitting here and enjoying this meal with you but boy am I tired from all the doing nothing i did today so," You snap your fingers together and point them at Celestia, "I'll catch you later alligator"

>Pinkie burst out laughing at your rant while her friends sit in awe "HAHAHA LATER ALLIGATOR, ANON YOU CRACK ME UP"

>"Sit.......Down" Celestia says apparently suppressing her anger to the max

>Aw shit your in trouble

>Shut up brain

>"Ahem...well Mr.Anonymous I see that we are goin to be here for a looong time discussing things" Her horn lights up and suddenly the set sun came rushing out of the sky and seemed like....IS DAT SHIT COMING AT MEEEE OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....

>"That'll be all" Her horn lights up and the sun backed away and went back over the horizon, she chuckles at your scared shitless face

>Speaking of which thanks brain for keep my anus tight until we can get the fuck out of here without the embarassment

>Thank you, but you probably shouldn't excuse yourself to the restroom or she'll see that you really were scared shitless

>FUCK......REALLY MAN?!?!

>Yup

>I hate you again

>Go suck a donkey

>"Now on to pressing matters...where are you staying right now?"

>"Ooo he...." Pinkie is again shut up by Twilight

>"He currently is in custody of Element of Laughter: Pinkamena Diane Pie" Twilight says like a cocksucking kiss ass

>Apparently your not the only on who thought she was riding on the Princess' dick once you peer over to the cyan pegasus that was closest to you

"What a kiss-up huh?" You whisper over to her

>She chuckles, "You know it man", You brohoof her and she gets the exact same look Pinkie gets the first time you brohoofed her

>"I'm Rainbow Dash, and to be honest I kinda liked when you stood up to the Princess, but why'd you do it"

"I was planning that she'd kick me out so I don't have to sit through this boring meal"

>"Heheh nice, but I didn't expect her to pull the Sun towards you"

"Me neither"

>"Ahem, is there something you'd like to share Element of LOYALTY Rainbow Dash?"

>"Oh uh nothing just um..." You nonchelantly drop your fork, "getting Anon's fork- because he dropped...it...heh heh here you go you...ahem brute how dare you...talk to the prin-princess like that...I should take you outside and let have whatfor, oooohhh He makes me so mad"

>You could just taste the amount of bullshit she was spouting

>"Aaanyway..." she continues to talk to the Princess and she said something about her horn but you weren't really paying attention

"So are those wings real?" You whisper to Rainbow Dash

>"Yup wanna feel?" she says lifting up a wing towards your hand

"Feel the wing of a genuine Pegasus? FUCK YEAH I WANNA FEEL"

>In no time you have your hands all over her wings and swear that you could hear her moan but you ignore that because YOUR TOUCHING A MOTHERFUCKING PEGASUS' WINGS LIKE A BAWS

>The wing, kinda felt soft when you first touch it, but it suddenly got hard as a rock, which is weird as fuck so you stop

>"No, keep going my uh...wing is really tense from a day of flying"

"Oh well I'll just massage them then"

>You get to work, luckly your days as a massuse are paying off as you instantly find what you think are notces in her wing and massage her wing forcfully but gingerly at the same time

>This has Rainbow on fucking clound 9 right now

>She then squeals between her hooves as she pulls her wing away from your hand

>"Thanks I needed that, It's been awhile....s-since my last wing massage"

"No problem"

>"Uhm...excuse me?"

>A yellow pegasus is sitting on your left side and she has the most adorable face anyone in the universe could ever muster up

>Brain check to see if we have Diabeties

>Full scan sir five more minutes of this stare and we will be diabetes possitive

>Well then fucking answer, I mean look at her how can you just ignore that face?

>Your the one ignoring her sir

>But your controlling me ignore her so in turn you are the one ignoring her

>Touche

"Yes, do you need something" at this moment you would eat her shit if she asked you with that stare, that god awful adorable stare, its like diabeties in a cup

>"Uhm...well I noticed what y-you were doing with Rainbow Dash...and was kinda wondering...uhm" she covers her face wth her hooves with a sudden eep noise

>She moves her wings closer to your hands

>"That's Fluttershy emphasis on shy, she's a weaker flier than me so her wings are probably achin, you should massage one like you did mine" Rain...Aw hell Just call her Rainbro for looking out for her friends

"Your a great friend Rainbro Dash"

>She looks at you like you just made her century, while Fluttershy looks at her with the biggest thank you eyes ever

>You then get to work on Flutters wing, boy this is tense it doesn't even start soft like Rainbro's wing

>"AHem"

>You straghten up while still holding Flutters' Wing under the table

"Yes Princess?"

>"You are dismissed for now I'll think about what to do with you for the time being"

>Twilight gives you the greatest evil grin ever...little bitch must've been filling the princess' head with made up bullshit

"Yes Ma'am"

>Aww shit brain we're screwed

>I know that shit for brains

>But you just called yourself shit since I have shit for brains

>Fuck you

>And I love you too <3

>Fluttershy leads you to the palace's garden so she could show you all the animals Princess Bitch has

"Wow that's alot of animals"

>"Yeah...Princess Celestia loves animals so much, she always takes such good care of them..."

>I wonder how many of these animals she fellated to get to stay her

>probably all, but who would her monkey aids mouth all over their dick

>Haha good one brain

>Thank you ^ 3 ^

>"Soo... about earlier well uhm you d-didn't f-finish"

"Oh sorry just tell me where to put pressure and I'll get to work"

>"Well kinda all over my wings" She lifts up both her wings "I-if you wouldn't mind"

"No problems, now lets see here"

>You rub Fluttershy's wings a bit softer and more carfully than Rainbow's due to Rainbow telling you she was a weak flier

>It's as if your hands just being on her wings is enough for her to die of your guessing relaxtion

>And she feels really relaxed when you touch the tip of her wings, I guess that's where she carries most of her stress

>Once you get really into it she lets out a soft but high pitched howl and collapses on the ground

"Wow you must have had alot of tension in those little wings of yours"

>She's completely passed out so you carry her back inside

>Twilight looks at Fluttershy in horror "WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO TO FLUTTERSHY?" She yells trying to levitate her body over to her

>Huh? looks Like you MANLY PHISQUE is strong enough to resist magic

>Now this bitch is trying to pry Flutters from your hands with her hooves, but...Wait is Fluttershy hold on to you

"Shhhh you'll wake her"

>"What did you do?" Twilight now said, whispering

"Nothing, shit can you calm down so I can tell you what happened"

>"...FFFFfffine", She's still looking at me with hate in her eyes

>After a short explaination her face goes from hate to STILL FUCKING HATE?, you bitch

>"Well I guess you didn't hurt her atleast, but I still don't trust you," She trotts off, "hope you like the moon I hear it's cold" she says snidely

>Fuck her

>As you carry Fluttershy in your arms you...DESPERATELY SEARCH FOR A BATHROOM BEACAUSE YOU HAVE A SHIT THAT COULD END ALL SHITs IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE

>You search down the hall to the right because of insticts, but nothing

>You search up the hall to the left and still get nothing

>Then Princess Monkeysucker walks up out of nowhere

>"Enjoying your stay at the castle" She says sensing that your in distress

"Yes your highness now if I could just..."

>"Ah ah ah First I must tell you your sentence"

"Uh-huh,yeah,is that all?"

>"Far from it my fleshy friend, in fact I think I really won't send you to the moon, In fact you'll live in Ponyville"

"Uh-huh"

>"And you will work as an...oh I don't know something you really won't enjoy maybe a baker?"

"Yeah sure"

>"And every day you'll make my most favorite cake...every....single....day"

"Okay, now..."

>"Uh-uh no protesting enjoy your stay at Ponyville"

>Suddenly the same guards that brought you here (atleast you think they are) are going to send you back to Ponyville

>You just walked outside with Fluttershy still in your arms, blankly following the Princess

>"Oh boy Anon's going to live at my house and we'll make cupcakes all day" Says Pinkie while jumping around madly

>"Can't wait to see if your any good at racing", says Rainbro with a certain confident smirk

>"A-are you really going to be living in Ponyville?" says Fluttershy just now waking up

"Wait, What the fuck did I just agree to?"

End of Chapter One