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- >Day Anger in Equestria
- >You are Anon
- >Royal chef
- >Be screaming at your staff
- WHAT IS THIS?!
- >You grab a fist-full of mushy potatoes and hold it up to them
- >The ponies at the front shrink back slightly
- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? MASHED POTATOES?
- >One of the cooks steps forward and shakily nods
- >"I-It's for P-princess Luna, sir"
- >Hurl the mash at him
- >It hits his face and he stumbles back, screaming and trying to get the mash out of his eyes
- >Turn to the rest of them
- WHICH CUM-GUZZLING FOAL FIDDLER THOUGHT IT WAS a GOOD IDEA TO FEED MASHED POTATOES TO ROYALTY?!
- >A stallion at the back raises his hoof
- >Pick up a pan of boiling grease and toss it at him
- >The stallion, as well as several others before him, drop to the floor and writhe in agony as the grease burns them
- >Sigh and turn to your second-in-command
- Well, at least you don't do stupid shit like this, Windy.
- >Windy, a short, scared looking white stallion laughs nervously
- >Narrow your eyes
- Windy. Is there something you need to tell me?
- >He shakes his head and takes a step back
- N-not at all, Chef Anonymous, sir.
- >Turn to face him and bend forwards, pushing your face against his
- >Extend a finger and wipe it on his ear
- >He flinches and closes his eyes
- >Look at your finger, now covered in red sauce
- This better not be what I think it is, Windy.
- >He trembles in fear
- >Slowly lick your finger, your eyes fixed on him the whole time
- >The moment your tongue touches the sauce, your blood rises in temperature and you feel insanity taking hold
- >Ketchup.
- 1/?
- >"Well, Anonymous. I just don't know how you do it."
- >Celestia looks around at the kitchen
- >Bits of pony adorn the walls
- >Windy lies on his back on a grill, several knifes poking out of his chest in what appears to be a ritual sacrifice
- >A pile of dead bodies in sat in the corner, and a decapitated head has been hollowed out and turned into a jack-o-lantern, merrily burning away at the entrance to the kitchen
- >"15 good cooks, gone!"
- >She frowns at you
- >You shrug
- Honestly, this is just as much your fault as it is mine.
- >"...How?"
- >Stare blankly at her for a moment
- Can I have some more cooks?
- >"Well that's not up to me, Anon. This is the second time this has happened. I don't think ponies will want to work in your kitchen anymore."
- Not my fault none of them can cook for shit
- >"You could TRY to contain your anger for once."
- Nah. It feels good to vent. Anger makes me creative
- >Pull a plate out of a nearby oven
- Here, I made this after the massacre
- >You hand her a small white plate with a delightful looking treat resting on it, covered in sugar, strawberry jam and cream
- >Celestia squeals and chomps on it
- >Scratch her ear while she chews
- >Her back leg wiggles slightly and her wings unfurl
- >God damn horses
- >"Anyway, I'll put up an advertisement for new staff. What's for dinner?"
- You'll get what you're given, you pest. Now get the hell out of my kitchen.
- >You slap two pans together and make "OOGA BOOGA" noises while you chase the goddess out of the kitchen
- >She stops just before the door and steals an entire bag of sugar
- GOD DAMMIT!
- >You hear Celestia giggle madly as she runs through the doors and back to her room, no doubt to engorge herself on raw sugar
- >It's a miracle she isn't fatter
- 2/?
- >A week goes by
- >You silently make food and mope
- >You miss being able to scream at people
- >Or ponies. Either one works
- >You trained under the most angry chefs in the world back on earth
- >Ever since you were little you dreamed of having your own team of chefs to abuse and shout at
- >But what is a chef without his team?
- >A miserable pile of non-anger
- >Sigh
- >Hear voices outside the kitchen
- >Your heart flutters
- >Even if it's not a new crew, you can still shout at them
- >You search frantically for your largest cleaver and hold it above your head, ready to run screaming at the unfortunate sod to walk through those doors
- >Celestia barges through, followed by 6 ponies
- >"Anonymous! I have found you some helpers!"
- >You blink a few times
- Help...eeeerrrrr?
- >"Oh knock it off, Anonymous. I got you a small team to help"
- >Look over at the ponies, who are smiling back at you
- >"They are strong, willing, imaginative, intelligent, have saved Equestria numerous times and are ready to help you!"
- Can they cook?
- >"How the hell should I know?"
- >Celestia laughs and trots into the store rooms to steal more snacks
- >You watch her go and look back to the group
- >The purple one steps forward
- >"Good morning, sir! My name is Twilight Sparkle, person student of Celestia!"
- Can you make food?
- >"Well... Uhh... I can make toast!"
- >She beams at you
- >You smile back at her and grip the handle of your cleaver harder
- >Her skull would make a nice mop bucket
- >Just then the pink one and the orange one step forward, the pink one bouncing right up to you and giggling
- >"Oh! Oh! I can cook! I can cook anything!"
- Oh, wonderful! Then be a dear and put together some caramelized pears with cheese soufflé and a side dish of oriental sauces, please. You have 30 minutes.
- >The pink one goes into hysterics and rolls around on the floor
- >Stare at her and then back at the orange one
- What about you, buffalo bessy? Can you do anything useful?
- >"Ah can make apples!"
- Anything else?
- >She blinks
- >"Ah don't understand."
- 3/?
- >Groan
- OY, CELESTIA
- >Celestia pokes her head around the corner, her mouth covered in chocolate and levitating several cakes near her
- >"Yes?"
- Get your fat ass out here and get me some real help. These idiots probably couldn't even make braising steak!
- >A blue horse flies up to you and begins shouting
- >"HEY! You don't get to talk to my friends that way!"
- >You bare your teeth at her, showing her your canines
- I bet those wings would look great with some seasoning
- >Lightly touch her body with your cleaver
- >The colour leaves her face and she backs off
- >"Girls, I think this guy is crazy-"
- >You slam your cleaver into a chopping block, creating a huge crack down the middle
- OF COURSE I'M CRAZY. I'M A COOK, GOD DAMMIT!
- >The group gasps
- >Celestia walks out of the store room, taking half of its contents with her in a golden aura
- >"Oh, I forgot to mention, Anon. I told them that they'd get medals in friendship or something if they helped you"
- >She stuffs a jam tart down her gullet
- >"I'm off to go do political stuff. Cheerio!"
- >She trots out, her ass jiggling with each step
- >Silence reigns
- >Turn back to the group
- >Twilight smiles at you
- >"So! Shall we get to work?"
- >You walk around, eyes darting all over your kitchen
- >Once again, busy chatter fills the air, but it's more controlled than what you're used to
- >Pass Applejack, who is busy rolling out some pastry
- What's this?
- >"Apple pie! All ah need now are some apples!"
- They're in the store room. Celestia doesn't eat fruit.
- >Applejack thanks you and dashes off to the back room
- >Notice that an oven is running at 300
- >Open it
- >Pinkie Pie is reading a book with a nightcap on
- >"Do you mind?"
- Sorry.
- >Close the oven
- >Wait
- >Almost tear off the door
- >Reach in and grab the red hot pony
- >Your hand burns but the rage dulls the pain
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
- 4/?
- >Pinkie giggles
- >Cut her off before she can utter her second "hehe"
- SHUT UP. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, SO DO IT!
- >Pinkie's smile wavers
- >"You don't have to be so mean about it..."
- >She drops to the floor and sulks, before walking over to a chopping board and slicing up some cucumber in silence
- >Rub your temples
- >Follow her to apologise
- >Prod her
- Look, I-
- >She melts
- >Stare in shock as the pony seems to turn to mush
- >A pink puddle on the floor now stares back at you with big blue googly eyes
- >Scoop it up and put it in a measuring jug
- >Put it in a cupboard and pretend that it didn't happen
- >Look around
- >No one saw it
- >Good
- >Stroll away, whistling a tune
- >Observe Fluttershy over her shoulder
- >She's drawing dicks in the flour
- >Clear your throat
- >She screams and blows away the flour, causing white powder to fly everywhere
- >Fluttershy spins around to face you
- >"Oh! Umm H-hello mister Anon!"
- >She blushes
- >"Come to... Assist me?"
- >What.
- >She begins rubbing flour all over herself
- >Look over your shoulder at the rest of the staff
- >Then back at Fluttershy
- >She's licking her lips and covering herself in flour
- >"Oh dear! I'm so dirty! Looks like you'll have to clean me!"
- >You shrug
- >Pick her up
- >And put her in the sink used to clean massive dishes
- >Cover her in water
- >The flour inevitably turns into dough
- >She squirms, the dough slowing her movements
- >You watch with a smirk as she tries to move closer to you, the dough acting like glue and preventing her from doing anything
- 5/?
- >Leave Fluttershy in the sink and go over to Twilight, who is dissecting a bell pepper
- You're meant to cook it, not experiment on it.
- >"Oh! But I figured out a spell to make them bigger! Watch!"
- >She focuses her magic and infuses the pepper
- >It grows to 10 times its original size
- Woah! That's actually quite useful!
- >Pat her on the back
- Nice job, twinkle toes. I could fashion this into a dish.
- >At that moment the bell pepper shudders
- >You and Twilight look at each other
- >The pepper violently shakes, and a jagged limb explodes from its back
- >The limb ends in a huge scythe
- >Another one explodes out of the other side of it
- >Arms and legs sprout from the pepper, all tipped with some kind of sharp point
- >The pepper then grows a mouth, filled with knife-like teeth, and shrieks
- >You wince at the noise and duck as the pepper jumps over you
- >It runs into the storeroom
- >Hear Applejack scream
- >Hear curses and yells of "help"
- >A loud crash and several bangs follow
- >Applejack runs out of the storeroom, covered in deep cuts and clutching a shattered broom handle
- >She slams the door and locks it, wheezing
- >Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight rush over to comfort their friend
- >They scream at you to help
- Seriously? Get back to work, you idiots
- >Rarity seems mortified
- >"Applejack is injured! She needs help!"
- Ehh, walk it off. I once had a guy who lost 3 legs and still got back to work despite blood loss
- >You sniff
- >You miss Haystack sometimes. He knew what it meant to be a chef
- >Shame he died shortly after making the soup
- Cooking is a grisly job. If you can't handle it, get out.
- >You turn and head back to your post, where you slice up vegetables and prepare a kind of spicy-gravy
- >Hear several loud bangs
- >Ignore it and keep slicing
- >"OH SWEET CELESTIA! THE PEPPER HAS ZOMBIFIED ALL THE OTHER FRUIT AND VEG! EVERYPONY RUN!"
- >You hear screams and horrifying roars emitted from the mutant zombie fruit
- >Ignore it and keep slicing
- >Hear Twilight vapourising things, the smell of burnt fruit and vegetables filling your nostrils
- >"RARITY DOWN! RARITY DOWN!"
- >"GO ON WITHOUT ME, TWILIGHT!"
- >"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!"
- >You reach for a couple of potatoes and start peeling them so you can boil them later
- 6/?
- >After 10 or so minutes, you turn around again
- >The kitchen is utterly destroyed
- >Twilight is rocking back and forth under the sink
- >Applejack is holding Rarity in her hooves
- >Rarity is covered in pepper seed and sticky goo
- >"Com'on, Rare! Jus’ hold on a lil' bit longer!"
- >Rarity smiles softly and strokes Applejack's face
- >"T-there there, Applejack... I'll be... F-..."
- >She goes limp
- >Applejack lets out a long, drawn out "NOOOO"
- She dead?
- >"Nah. Just knocked out."
- >She drops Rarity and gets back to work
- >Rainbow Dash is talking way too fast
- >"And did you see what I did to that orange?! Ohmygosh it was SO COOL!"
- I don't care.
- >"I know right! I'm SO. AWESOME!"
- >She squeals, flies out the backdoor, and starts pleasuring herself
- >You know that she does that, because you can hear her grunting and saying her own name over and over again
- >Fucking Cerulean-Flight-Fast-Go-Speedy-Neigh
- >You look down and see the measuring jug of Pinkie wobbling and trying to bounce around
- >Move it back to where it was
- >The Pinkie-Goo growls in frustration
- >Move over to the sink to clean your knife
- >Look up
- >A solid mass of goo is blinking at you
- Fluttershy.
- >"mmmMGhmmMM."
- >Move back to your post and slice up more ingredients in peace, putting a couple of things on the stove and in the oven
- >Rainbow walks back in, shudders, and runs back outside after grabbing a cucumber off the counter
- >Look at the clock
- >It's been an hour.
- >How the shit have you lost half your crew in an hour.
- >Look around
- >Applejack is the only one working, Twilight is just twitching on the floor and not doing anything
- >Scratch that, you lost 5/6ths of your team in an hour
- >That's a new record of some kind
- 7/?
- >A servant walks in through the doors, look around the room, and walks back out
- >Stroll after him and drag him kicking and screaming back in
- Waddya want, sonny?
- >"T-the princesses are hungry..."
- The princesses are ALWAYS hungry, boy.
- >"I-I mean it's time for dinner."
- Fuck. Fine.
- >Grip his tail and fling him out
- Team! Form up!
- >Applejack trots over to you
- >Rainbow collapses through the back door, utterly exhausted
- >She catches her reflection in a shiny pot
- >Grabs a few carrots
- >And runs back out
- >Applejack smiles at you
- Right, Applehorse. We need to make something for the princesses. You up to the task?
- >"Sure thing, boss! Waddya have in mind?"
- Something that isn't apples.
- >Applejack's lower jaw drops open and she starts drooling
- >Close it for her
- Come on. Lets make a cake or some shit. They don't eat properly anyway.
- >You and Applejack assemble a quick cake and send it out
- Huh. That didn't take long at all. And I only lost...
- >Hold up a hand
- Three fingers.
- >Celestia will magic some back later. She always does
- >You know what they say about chefs
- >Their own sweat and blood goes into their work
- >You watch as the various servants take the cake out and serve it up to the princesses
- >Sigh
- Another meal made. Another calamity survived. Honestly, Applejack. I just don't know how I do it.
- >Applejack shrugs
- >"Maybe it was friendship"
- >Stare at her
- That's fucking retarded
- >"Ah know."
- >You both stand in silence for a while
- Hold the fucking phone, why was the cake bright pink?
- >AJ motions to the empty, pink stained measuring jug
- >"Ah used that icin' ya made"
- Oh my god.
- 8/?
- >Run out of the kitchen and towards the royal dining room in time to see Celestia eat an entire cake
- YOU FAT FUCK!
- >Her ears flatten
- >"Buh uh eed iiihh"
- YOU DON'T NEED SHIT YOU OVERSIZED BEAN BAG
- >She doubles over
- >"Oh, my... What was in there, Anonymous?"
- >At that moment, her head is tossed back and her jaw opens as wide as it can
- >Pinkie Pie, fully formed, explodes from Celestia's gullet like an overjoyed xenomorph
- >"SURPRISE!"
- >Luna screams and falls off her chair
- >She waves her hooves around in the air and wails
- >"HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!"
- Fuck this, I'm out.
- >You storm back to your kitchen
- >When you get there, Rainbow Dash is trying to insert an entire banana into herself
- >Fluttershy has escaped from the dough and is sticking your favourite knife inside her anus, handle first
- >"A-are knives what get you hot, Anon? Do you want to... grill me?"
- >You tear the knife out of her rectum
- >Sob
- >And throw it in the incinerator that you just have lying around in the corner of the room
- >Pick up Fluttershy
- >Carry her out the backdoor
- >Trip up on a load of soggy carrots lying on the floor
- >Fall on your back
- >Fluttershy lands on your chest
- >"You're hurt! Let me kiss it better!"
- >She mushes her face against yours
- >Your rage knows no bounds
- >Throw her in a bin
- >Carry the bin all the way from the castle to the Canterlot train tracks
- >Wait an entire hour, the bin held over your head with Fluttershy banging around inside it the whole time
- >See a train coming
- >Throw the bin onto the tracks
- >The train slams into the bin and obliterates it
- >Run back to the kitchens
- >Grip Rainbow Dash, hoof deep inside herself
- >Throw her in the incinerator
- >Find Twilight, rocking back and forth under a table
- >Grip her horn and drag her out of the kitchen and towards the griffon ambassador's house
- 9/?
- >Toss her inside with a piece of paper saying "Din dins"
- >Run back to the kitchen
- >Rarity wakes up as you get inside
- >She tries to flirt with you
- >Force feed her bell peppers until she passes out again
- >Applejack stares at you once you've finished you fast paced rampage
- >"Uhh, aren't ya gonna do somethin to me?"
- >Glare at her
- >Grin
- Sure. How'd you like to be my second in command?
- >She screams and runs out the door
- >Watch her go, too tired to follow her
- >Slump to the floor and hold your head in your hands
- >You sit there for what seems like hours, just thinking about how bad your life is with these ponies
- >Stand up after a while
- >Go over to the store room
- >A single can of beans is left
- >Open it
- >Spend the rest of your evening chugging beans and complaining about how stupid ponies are to the various kitchen appliances
- >All in all it was a pretty normal day.
- 10/10
- The End.
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