After finishing the last dinner of the school excursion, I returned to my room.
After this it should have been our class' turn to bathe. However the time that the bamboo grove is lighted up is limited. If we have to go out now, we have to bathe later.
In our room, Tobe is walking around anxiously.
"Aaah - This is bad. I'm too anxious. This is bad."
Yamato punched Tobe's back, Tobe started coughing due to the shock. Then, Yamato's deep voice came.
"No problem."
"Tobe is gonna have a girlfriend? -- Maybe we can't play together anymore!"
Oooka said this while peeking on Tobe, hence Tobe retorted.
"That won't happen! Anyway it's bad, this isn't time to say stuff like this, this is bad---"
Tobe quickly returned to his anxious mode, while Yamato landed another bunch on his back.
"No problem."
And hence the endless cycle continues. Anyway it seems like they're having fun, these guys.
"It feels like even I'm starting to get anxious."
Totsuka is such as good kid. I unknowingly also started to worry, although if it's at the level of a mosquito I could still handle it.
The quiet Hayama slowly stood up.
"... Hey, Tobe"
"What? What? Hayato-kun, I am in a situation where I just lack the finishing touch."
"No, nothing at all..."
Their vague conversation beings.
"What~~"
"I initially wanted to cheer you on, but I'm too lazy to say it after seeing your face."
"You're so bad!! Ah, although I don't know why I stopped feeling anxious!"
Hayama seems like he doesn't want Tobe to see his depressed face, and left the room.
.....By now, Hayama's attitude hasn't changed?
During the school excusrion, no, even before that, Hayama has shown a strange attitude. It's hard to notice the difference on Hayama who's always thoughtful and leave things alone.
It's just that, he cared way too little, and someone like me would notice it.
Departing from the tensed up indoors, I followed Hayama outside.
I started conversing with the silhouette facing towards the river. This kind of service like me starting a conversion is really rare right?
"You are so uncooperative."
"Is that so?"
Hayama answered without looking back. As if he predicted that I would have came. Because of this attitude, I started turning harsher.
"Isn't that so? Might as well say you're trying to be a hindrance."
At least, the Hayama Hayato I know, is someone would would be infinitely close to the correct answer. Exactly because he advocates the correct view, he is always shackled by the correct view -- I think he is someone like this.
That's why, facing his choice of not choosing the natural correct answer to help his friend, I felt a sense of wrongness.
"Though I don't have that kind of intention."
Hayama turned back with a wry smile. This guy is lying.
"Then what are you thinking about?"
"I really like how it is now. No matter it's Tobe, Hina, or the time everyone spends together, I really like it."
Hayama faced me without any shame.
"That's why.."
Just as Hayama is about to continue.
However, the I can figure out what follows without listening to it, and my answer has already been decided.
".... If it's a relationship that would break just because of that, isn't that the extent of it in the first place?"
"Maybe it's really like that. But... what has been lost can't be regained."
The way he said this is as though he had a similar experience. I have no intentions to question the meaning behind it, because I have zero interest in how Hayama's past is like.
It seems like Hayama does not intend to talk specifically about this. He laughed and brushed it off.
"I think after this everyone would be back to normal. I'm not really an expert at this."
"Even then it's impossible to act as if it never happened."
I replied immediately. Unknowingly, my voice is filled with confidence.
In this world, there are things that would cause endless regress.
There's also a saying that what's done is done.
Even when they're still talking normally yesterday, a gap that has been suddenly created would result in them not talking to each other forever. The frequent exchange of mails would also stop.
This isn't the worst scenario. Even forcing smiles towards each other, showing smiles as if it's confirming "Please don't mind, we are still perfectly acting as friends." exists.
Even then, the sense of awareness entrenched somewhere deep in the mind would not disappear, and henceforth apprehension, thus unknowingly mutually estrange, and conclude the relationship.
Hayama closed his eyes and said.
"It's just like what you said, maybe, Hina is thinking the same way as you are."
"Naturally. Might as well say it's strange that you guys are having fun in this superficial relationship."
I'm kicking a rock near me in anger. The rock rolled towards Hayama's direction. Hayama quietly picked up the rock, and stared at it. As if he's trying his best to not look towards me.
"Perhaps it's like that... I, never thought of this as a superficial relationship. For the current me, this environment is everything I have."
"No, isn't this exactly what a superficial relationship is? Then what should Tobe do? Isn't that guy really serious? Can't you consider a little for him?"
Listening to my pursuit, Hayama grabbed the rock tightly.
"I've tried numerous times to make him give up. I don't think the Tobe right now could touch Hina's heart..... Even then, I don't know how it will be in the future. That's why, I don't want that guy to hurry to a conclusion."
Hayama flung the rock in his hand towards the river. The rock bounced a few times on the river, and soon sank into the waters.
"There are things that one should never lose, even at the cost of not obtaining, right?"
Hayama stared at the water surface as if to search for the rock that can't be seen anymore. Even though you can't see it again no matter how hard you try.
In the end, me and Hayama are conversing with the pretext that something will be lost. After that, Hayama said.
"-- Even though I understand that I will lose it someday, after all no matter what kind of relationship will eventually reach it's end. If I really value it, I should work hard in order to not lose it."
However, this is just quibble.
"What a righteous excuse. That is just for your own convenience."
"If so!"
Hayama shouted sharply. With an obvious expression of anger, he started at me. Without looking away, I stared back at him.
Then, Hayama calmed down, probably ashamed at his agitation, and deeply sighed. After that, he slowly weaved out his words.
"... If so, what would you do? If it's you, what would you do?"
"I don't think my business would matter...."
If it's me I would -- Thinking this way would not ensue any results. I am different from Hayama. Even Tobe would definitely be different.
My business really doesn't matter, it is really boring. Therefore, I don't want to talk about it.
"That means, that you want to maintain the status quo, right?"
"... Ah, you're right."
Hayama spoke as if he gave up. That is a sound mingled with anguish and anxiety, something you can't imagine from the usual Hayama.
Even then.
The feeling of not wanting change.
It's the only thing I could understand.
I already understood.
Expressing your heart and making everything clear is not always correct.
A relationship where you can't take a step forward. A relationship where you can't cross the baseline. A relationship you can't forgive for being trampled over.
Soap operas or mangas would always illustrate the happy ending after crossing the line. However, the truth is different. It's way more cruel, way more indifferent.
Important things, are irreplaceable. If something is irreplaceable after you lose it, you will never regain it.
Now, I can't reproach Hayama for being despicable, nor can I mock at his uselessness.
It doesn't matter if not moving forward is the right answer. It doesn't matter even if you're comfortably indulging in the warmth of a hot spring.
I am unable to phrase words to deny the answer they have found.
A fault can't be found.
Just as I am unable to deny or refute, I heard a short sigh of giving up.
"Just like what you said... This is just my, selfishness."
As we're talking, Hayama showed a lonely smile.
This smile displeases me.
"Don't underestimate me, Hayama. I don't easily take people's words for granted."
Remember, I am someone with a terrible personality who can easily read between the lines.
"Therefore, words like this is your own selfishness, I won't believe it."
"... ... Hikigaya."
Hayama is astonished. Though it's not like this is something out of the ordinary.
Maybe it's because of some one else's desire.
Someone like me definitely exists.
A girl who has been telling lies, going in disguise, in order to protect herself.
Hayama Hayato could not turn a blind eye to someone suffering. It is definitely because he knows that someone other than himself would suffer, that Hayama can't act.
If this step was taken, someone would be hurt, something would be destroyed.
The justice to not take this step in order to protect these people -- Who could deny it?
Our time, the time called high school lives -- needless to say -- is limited.
We are living in a laughably small world, living in an unremarkably short time.
Who could blame someone for treasuring these?
There isn't the need to wait until you lose it, I understand it too.
I have decided what I am going to do now.
Hayama Hayato is unable to make a choice. It is because he possesses too many things, and each one of them is important.
Hikigaya Hachiman is unable to make a choice. It is because he never had a choice, and this is the only action he can take.
Ironically, both me and Hayama are only similar in terms of being "unable to make a choice", otherwise we're totally different.
I don't know what does Hayama want to protect.
But it doesn't matter anyway. Because this is something only I can do.
From the silhouette heading towards the riverbank, I heard Hayama's voice.
"Even though you're the last person I'll ask help from..."
The same to you, you bastard.
No matter who, we all laud love and friendship. However, that solely belongs to a victor.
No one would listen to the sighs of the fallen and poor.
If so, allow me to listen to it. Sing aloud!
This is a ballad for those dead man walking.
It is a requiem dedicated to those who only can choose to endure any force of attraction from anyone!