reflections

Man, it's been a while since I left a diary entry, huh? I found this old thing while I was unpacking and holy shit was I a sad sack back then. I think the last entry I wrote was from when we first did the ghoul thing. That's ten fucking years. Man, that's a hell of a thought.

Well, first of all, I guess I'm okay with things now. That mistrust is... gone. It hasn't been there for years and it's weird to think it was ever there. Back then I was scared of living indefinitely, but I don't think I really am anymore. Technically, we should be in our thirties. I can't imagine myself as anything but what I am, though. I think if this had to happen at any age, we picked a good one. I read back and I see myself complaining about having to drink blood and worrying about addiction and stuff. I guess I was right, it turns into an acquired taste after a while. Now it seems like I can't get enough of it. I guess that's addiction, huh. I don't mind. I try to be careful, even though I feel like I need it a lot. I have a couple sources, though. I'll be okay.

I said I wouldn't go out of my way for weird powers, but so much for that. I can move shit with my mind. I didn't know I could do that before a few months ago. And the blood bond? Ehhhh. It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. How was I supposed to get more attached than I was already? We've always been really close. Really, really close.

I did join a tribe and a pack after all. The 'Motley Howlers', they call themselves. I like them a lot, my pack. They're just dudes. The tribe's whole thing is about walking two sides, and they actually accept ghouled freaks like me, and don't expect you to abandon society. It's neat, and I wish I had them when I still lived in Vic. Vic wasn't a very nice time for either of us, but we don't live there anymore. We moved to Seattle and it's really been better for all of us. Sure is nice having a vampire Prince who's not a complete cockmongler. I like him, and also he bought us a house cause I saved him once. That was neat.

I have in-laws now. One of them, Midnight, we've known her for a long time. Since before all this, when we used to come down to Seattle to visit Mom. She's a Hunter, but she doesn't like it very much. She's scared of wasting away and dying. I know that feeling. That's how I used to feel, remember? Except she doesn't have the way out that I do. They have to go way out of their way. I hope they do it, because I love her a lot. She used to have a bad leg and be blind, but she doesn't anymore.

The other one is Roscoe. He's a really rare clan and he has three eyes. We met him in a... kinda weird way. We were at the bar, one night, me and Anya, and this weirdo busts in and starts demanding a Warlock. We shook him off, but then later I'm assuming he caught Anya alone. I know he did because that was the night I had to save the Prince. When I got called, they were in the middle of a burned out old club. I guess that means he grabbed her, but she was so overjoyed when I got there that I don't think anything really bad happened. Don't tell her I figured it out. He fixed Midnight's bad leg though, that's why she was overjoyed. He started teaching Anya his powers, now she has three eyes too. I'll never be used to that. He's not scary like when he burst into that bar. He's a big ol' goober and I love him, too.

I even found a relative here. Her name's Kali. She's the Brujah Primogen. She's huge, like seven foot tall. She's rad, we hang out a lot. I guess she's like our... some number of greats grandma. Small world. I never met anyone from that side of our family before. I... don't know what to feel about it. I guess I just assumed there wasn't anyone. Just Mom's side and... well... never mind.

Lastly, I'm not single anymore. For a while I was going after the pack leader, but that really kind of went nowhere. So a friend of mine, another lady from Vic as it happens, she called me up one night 'cause she wanted me to meet her brother. So I was like, sure. So, she took me out to a fancy club, and I got to meet him. His name's Jack, and despite everyone's expectations, he's a Ventrue. He's not like a lot of them, though, at least not when I've got him alone. He likes reading and he owns a publishing company. A lot of people think I'm on all the time, but I'm really not, and it's nice to have someone other than Anya who I can share the off-time with. I love her to death, but... she needs space, too. I know that. The homework help is nice too. Oh yeah, I'm gonna go back to school. He insists. I'm cool with that. It'd be nice to do something with my life.

It hasn't all been good things, though. Anya got kidnapped a few months ago, by bad vampires. The Sabbat, they call them. They hurt her, a lot, and they hurt Midnight too. If Midnight hadn't somehow lived, Anya would be dead. That's really scary to think about. She called us, she called a lot of us. And I bust into the house they were keeping her in, and... and I saw her on the ground. She was so badly hurt... Werewolves have this thing we call 'kuruth', death rage. It's like a frenzy except worse and more dangerous. When I saw her there, I'm amazed that that didn't happen to me. If anything more had happened... I think it would have. I wish I coulda tore all four arms off that one bitch. Oh well.

I still have nightmares about it sometimes. When it first happened, it was worse. I didn't get any sleep for weeks that didn't involve her putting me to sleep. She hasn't been quite right either... I don't blame her. They both got really fucked up. We have to keep them away from stressful stuff now, or she goes on auto-pilot. And Midnight, she disassociates. I know how bad that feels. Anya was down a finger for a while. I guess some flesher was there and stole it. One day I'll find him and I'll take it back. And probably murderfuck him, too. I was going to give her mine, but... eh. Whatever works, I guess.

Sometimes I still think about when we weren't immortal freaks. I guess I was always a freak. But her? She never deserved all this. I wish we could still do things during the day. I used to love summer. Now it's just a season full of loneliness. And that's really ass-backwards, because I hate the cold. But winter is when I can spend the longest with her. With all of them. She deserves to be able to see the sun, they all do. It isn't fair.

I guess I'd say I'm in a much better place than I used to be, but I still wish it could be better.

I miss those days.