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- You are Guardsmare Sparkling Spear.
- It was going to be a great day, until you drew the short straw.
- Now you're on Anon duty. You'd be safer making bargains with the Discord. Before he reformed too.
- With any luck you'll get a code black. The best colour there is when Anon is involved.
- Named for how he shuts all the curtains shrouding his room in utter darkness, then sleeping most of the day.
- The alternative being code green, when the green menace causes trouble both chaotic and lewd.
- Summoning up your courage you push open his door, hoping against hope for that sweet code black.
- Gasping loudly at the sight of the empty, well lit room you begin to panic.
- Oh sweet Celestia. Code green. CODE GREEN.
- "IMPERATOR!"
- You nearly jump out of your fur as Anon's voice booms out behind you.
- "TRIARII!"
- You have no idea what language he's speaking but he's dressed in a human scale version of guard armour, with spear and shield twice your size.
- This screams Code Green but you're too shocked to move.
- Taking of advantage of your defenceless state, Anon shoulders his shield before hooking his arm under you.
- He picks you up, holding you close to his chest and setting off down the hall.
- "EQUUM NOS. QUIA GLORIA ROMAE."
- You can smell the sweat of his body under all that armour.
- This is too lewd.
- /-------------------------------------------------------------/
- It was the quarterly crisis in Ponyville.
- This time it was vampires, the entire town got transformed into pony vampires.
- Except the pony idea of a vampire bat is just a fruit bat with the appetite of locust swarm.
- Which was ridiculously cute and silly.
- Despite apparently being in no imminent danger you had a bad feeling about this.
- Twilight and her friends solved the issue by encasing the town in a giant magic dome, while they went to find a solution.
- Problem being you slept in and ended up on the wrong side of the dome.
- You asked Twilight to let you out. She replied you were likely immune, being human.
- You tried to tell her about human vampires and how it was better to be safe than sorry.
- She called you a silly filly and suggested a career in horror fiction with wacky ideas like that.
- Then guess what happened.
- You got bit and turned into a vampire.
- It was the smell of the strawberry shampoo you use that drew them in.
- You'd blame yourself for that if it wasn't for the fact that all shampoo is fruit scented on this planet.
- Eventually Twilight and her friends came back, zapped the town with magic and fixed everything.
- Almost everything.
- They screamed when they saw you, you ranted incoherently.
- "I told you, what did I tell you, didn't I tell you, cause I told you and what did I say would happen when I told you, exactly what happened."
- Right now you've nearly filled the town pool with custard.
- This is their punishment.
- You're going to [spoiler]Cast them in.[/spoiler]
- /-------------------------------------------------------------/
- It's 10am, probably. More importantly you're playing a game with Luna.
- A game called fuck with the guards. Apparently she and Celestia used to play it as fillies.
- A test of will and cunning to see who could break the stoic-ness of their guard first.
- Or at least best out of three.
- First round. The staring contest.
- No touching the guard, no noises, no antics. Just staring.
- Looking into the huge eyes of brown stallion you try to penetrate his soul.
- Lancing into the very core of his being, as if you could scorch his very mind.
- A large drop of sweat drops from his fur onto the floor.
- He's breaking.
- Pouring all of your will into the stare, your mind will him to break.
- Then it happens. He starts shaking like a leaf and yells "STOP STARING AT ME FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!"
- "Ha I win. One, nothing Luna."
- "Tis not fair Anonymous, thou have the tiny beady eyes of predator."
- "Woop woop woop woop."
- You dance around the guard doing your best Dr Zoidberg impression.
- It's the second round. Anything goes as long as you don't touch the guard.
- Luna so far hasn't done anything. Just stood there smirking at you.
- "Observe Anonymous."
- She simply turns around and looks at you with half-lidded eyes.
- Her tail flicks out of the way for a moment, giving a brief glimpse of midnight blue lewdness.
- Two things happened.
- You stopped wooping and dancing.
- And both guards fainted.
- "The score is tied Anonymous."
- "Now whose not playing fair."
- "We only use what our mother gave us."
- Bullshit.
- Final round. It's all to play for.
- This time touching is allowed. You also insisted on a guardsmare.
- Two can play the lewd game Luna. It's in the bag.
- You nearly got arrested and caused a public scandal but you have a secret weapon.
- The weakness of every pony.
- "Art thou ready, Anonymous?"
- "Just say the word"
- "BEGIN!"
- Quick as a striking snake, your arm lashes out with an outstretched finger.
- "Boop"
- The guardsmare shudders briefly then collapses, cheeks rapidly turning red.
- In the same instant however Luna had leaned down and taken a strong inhale at the guardstallions junk.
- He'd keeled over like a fainting goat.
- "God damn it."
- "Damnation indeed. Tis a draw. Shall we have a tie-breaker?"
- "Nah, Celestia said she'd put me in the dungeon for a week if I boop anymore guards."
- "Thou could boop one of the stallions...."
- "In your dreams Luna"
- "Do not tempt us Anonymous"
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- First day at work and what a job it is. Guardspony!
- Well guardshuman in your case, Luna even commissioned a special set of armor just for you.
- You look like a spartan, except your cloak is covered in moons and stars.
- Guess you're nightguard then. No breastplate yet either.
- Apparently human torsos are too complicated for pony smiths.
- "Champion Anonymous?"
- A guardsmare is looking up at you with curious eyes.
- "Just Anon is fine."
- Luna insisted that your title be 'Champion' for reasons that escape you.
- "I'm here to show you around the castle."
- "Lead the way then."
- You both march off with a clatter of armor, why did no one tell you armor was this noisy?
- -----------
- "And this is the flight training yard, the wonderbolts use it sometimes too."
- All around you pegasi are flitting about, some in formation are really pushing the speed.
- "ANON! LOOK OUT!"
- The guardsmare slams into your leg and starts tugging.
- You look up just in time to see a pegasus coming right at your head.
- The impact to your helmet causes you to stagger but the guard ended up far worse.
- He's crumpled in the dirt and there are cries of medic, before he's carted off on a stretcher.
- Guardsmare meanwhile is scrunching something fierce.
- Angry ponies are too adorable.
- "What's wrong with you?"
- The mare huffs.
- "I was trying to push you out of the way but you're too heavy."
- Awww, she was trying to be a hero.
- "Come here you."
- It's cuddle time for you pony.
- Her hooves flail and her cheeks turn bright red.
- "Put me down, everypony is looking..."
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- You are the Green Faced Lord of... Of...
- You're not officially a Lord of anything.
- Maybe a unofficial Lord of fucking Discord.
- Though that's something of a minefield all on its own. Sexually speaking.
- Sometimes in bed you're sword fighting.
- Other time he's 'Eris' and it's all heterosexual because vagoo.
- Not that you mind. There's something indefatigably kinky about it.
- And when he or she wraps around you like a snake. Oh mama.
- The problems happen when you go outside.
- When Discord is Discord, ponies treat you like the manly man you always imagined you were.
- Killing sabretooth tigers by headbutting them to death and so on.
- But when Discord is Eris, things get a little different.
- Ponies act like you're a homosexual. All spa dates and fashion stuff.
- It's done wonders for your friendship with Rarity.
- Discord has even asked about starting a herd with her.
- But it still nags at you that your place in society depends on the current status of Discord private parts.
- ...
- More importantly how the hell to they instinctively know whether Discord has a vagoo or penis?
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "Where are the unhappy couple?"
- Luna makes an expression of mild distaste.
- "They have locked themselves in thy guest room, it seems they have made peace."
- For now. Give it an hour and they'll be back to squabbling.
- Then make up snuggles for the billionth time.
- "You absolutely sure those two aren't, you know, affected."
- "We are quite sure Anon, sister and the spirit of chaos are not in thrall to Estrus."
- Could have fooled you.
- "They merely have-"
- "A complicated history." You say in unison.
- Ah yet another estrus, spring, mating season, Barry White Appreciation Month.
- And you just happen to be one of four beings on the planet who are immune.
- Celestia and Luna, as Alicorns, just don't do it.
- Something about ascension and magic. You aren't a wizard, you didn't understand a word of it.
- And then there's Discord, who by his nature is incapable of something so orderly and regular as a mating season.
- Well technically there's five beings really. The young Princess Candybutt.
- But as Princess of Love, she throws herself into this time of year. Literally from what you've heard.
- So much so she may as well have a mating cycle. Suppose it's part of her job description, sex and love.
- "Is the popcorn ready Luna?"
- "It is popping as we speak, we shall attend to it at once."
- And that's were you come in, something about human pheromones is repulsive to ponies in heat.
- Which is doubly news to you because you didn't know humans had pheromones.
- As a result, those three come hang at your place. Because it's completely free of horny ponies, minotaurs, gryphons, the works.
- Though it's not without its ups and downs.
- Apparently Celestia and Discord have a 'Complicated' but long term relationship. Alternating between squabbling and, to put it politely. aggressive snuggling.
- They should just get married and be done with it.
- You and Luna on the other hand....
- "Huzzah! The popped corn is prepared and we have applied the toffee."
- "Good. I cleaned the telescope lens this morning."
- At this point you both adjourn to the balcony. Because your house is that swanky.
- As for what you do on the balcony with Luna and two telescopes.
- You make bets on happenings in the town. And sometimes play drinking games too.
- "HA! Big Mac and the school teacher. Thou owe us five bits Anon."
- God damn it. Already?
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "Ooh, what's this place? What are we going to try here?!"
- "That there is Anon's house." answers Applebloom
- Scootaloo shoves her friend out of the way.
- "He's kinda weird though."
- "As ah was sayin' that's Anon's house. And he is a bit weird, but that's good."
- Sweetie Belle interrupts this time.
- "Yeah! You never know what he's gonna be doing!"
- The gryphon squeaks with excitement.
- "Wildcard! Thanks crusaders, I'm sure to get my cutie mark here!"
- -----15 minutes later-----
- The gryphon returns to the crusaders. Scootaloo pipes up first.
- "Well? How'd it go?"
- "Nothing. But we've still half the list to do!"
- -----Meanwhile in Anon's bedroom-----
- Twilight stole your porn stash again. Probably for more 'Research'.
- And your imagination was never that great.
- Fortunately a helpful gryphon came and posed for you.
- All very weird in retrospect. But your were a desperate man with a boner.
- Now you just need to find your NVGs and a cardboard box, that porn won't rescue itself.
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- Day 3 of Estrus, the diary of Sir Anon MBE, OBE, 100m swimming certificate.
- I find myself in the wild lands of darkest ponyville.
- A constant fog seems to hang over the village.
- It stinks of lust, shame and projects a sense of being in a whorehouse.
- The inhabitants of this strange land appear to be engaged in some kind of fertility rite.
- No doubt in worship to some heathen sun god.
- The brutes are beyond civilising, their wanton course knows no boundaries.
- "Anon, come back to bed sweetie. Mama Flutters needs her silverback."
- The natives are getting restless.
- I may not make it out alive.
- Editors Note: This diary entry was found in the home of a Human currently in Ponyville Hospital for severe pelvic bruising.
- "Twilight, I know you want to write a book on humans. But I don't think Anon will like you going through his diary."
- "Oh Spike. Anon won't mind, it's for a good cause."
- The little dragon looks unconvinced and turns to walk away.
- "I wouldn't bet my last gem on it." he mutters.
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- Applejack and Flutters are off to save the world or town or something.
- They barged into the meeting room of the Legion of Friendship and then off they went.
- You don't really get it, though considering you live in this damn castle you'd think you would.
- Where the hell is Twilight?
- --------------------------
- "Right so let me see if I've got this right. Your buttmarks start glowing."
- "Cutiemarks Anon."
- You ignore her correction, as usual. Yet she never gives up on correcting you.
- "Then you come in here and this... table map, tells you where to go?"
- Twilight nods
- "Yes."
- "But only the ones whose buttmarks-"
- "Cutiemarks."
- "Buttmarks glow go on the friendship mission."
- You feel about 3 times gayer than usual for having uttered the phrase 'friendship mission'.
- "Why don't the rest of you go too?"
- "Well, the map knows who best to send. Which pony has the right skills to learn from and fix the problem, and spread the magic of friendship!"
- If this map starts talking like Zordon you are moving out.
- You will not be the useless bitch ass Alpha 5 to the pony power rangers. Spike can have that job.
- --------------------------
- Standing there in silence you try to comprehend the mystery of this table map.
- At some point Twilight left. You're unlikely to get anywhere.
- For one it's magic.
- Secondly this a pony culture thing and you've always had a bit of trouble understanding it.
- You're human and therefore see everything from a human perspective.
- Even if you try your hardest, when it comes to equestrian cultures there's always going to be nuances you don't-
- Wait. What was that?
- Something in the map just caught your eye.
- Set deep in the crystal, it almost looks like words.
- Squinting and staring you can just about make them out.
- "If you can read this, you should go make friends instead of staring at a map all day."
- Great. You're being sassed by inanimate objects now.
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- You've just watched the crusaders zip by on their Scooter/Trailer combo.
- Scootaloo is like a little hummingbird. Like so many things around here it's ridiculously cute.
- Images of her buzzing around flowers shoot through your mind and you wonder why you've never seen it.
- "Hey Dash."
- Rainbow withdraws her snozzle from her "Energy Drink" which you're 90% sure is just ground up fruit, but whatever.
- "How come I've never seen Scootaloo fly?"
- "Oh, she's just a late bloomer."
- Flashbacks of your teenage cousin weeping into a can of Red Bull and complaining that her tits are small, strike you like a Vietnam vet in a chinese restaurant.
- Wait a minute, wings aren't boobs.
- "What do you mean late bloomer?"
- Rainbow rolls her eyes like you've just asked if water is wet.
- "Pegasi aren't born able to fly, Anon. Well most of the time."
- "Most of the time?"
- "Well sometimes, you get pegasi who can hover while still in diapers. But not fly."
- "And Scootaloo?"
- "Like I said late bloomer. Happens more often if they have alot of earth pony ancestors, need to wait for a bigger wingspan before they can lift the extra earth pony weight."
- Makes sense. Her wings didn't look any smaller than the other pegasi kid. Whatshisface, couldn't see his brother at night except for the blue of his mohawk.
- Ah who cares.
- Still, wing puberty must be pretty rough if you're the last to go through it.
- You feel a crazy plan coming on.
- "I've got to go... do stuff..."
- "Sure thing Anon."
- -----24 Days Later-----
- "IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIIIIVE!"
- "Anon, it's just some-"
- "Don't ruin this for me Lyra."
- "Can I go home now?"
- God damn it Iron Hoof.
- "You ponies have no sense for the dramatic."
- You may be the greatest genius who ever lived or not.
- But you've done pretty well with high school understanding of engineering.
- You also might have re-invented vulcanised rubber, do they have that here already?
- There is a possibility you've wasted a great deal of time.
- But to hell with that, time to revel in triumph.
- "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- Silence and strange looks greet your laughter.
- "DASH! WAKE UP! There's supposed to be lightning when I laugh like that."
- "Erm, Anon? I think she left an hour ago."
- No flair for the dramatic.
- -----The next day-----
- "yaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeh"
- The doppler effect is kind of cool. But it can get old quickly.
- Yeah, you get that she's excited and all but it's been an hour.
- It's just wing extensions.
- Though, it is nice to know your creative use of thin sheets of rubber and steel wire is appreciated.
- A sudden impact to the side of your head knocks you to the ground, and a sheet of black rubber obscures your vision.
- "ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou"
- "Yes. Yes. Can you please stop kissing my head."
- "Ewwww! Cooties!"
- The filly rockets off into the air again, leaving you lying in the dirt.
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- The little pudgy dragon jogs to the door.
- "Spike, where are you going?"
- "Oh hey Twilight, I didn't know you were up. Anon wants me to look after his pet while he's in Canterlot."
- "Well if you handled 6 pets, you can certainly handle Anons"
- "See ya Twilight."
- -----------
- A short walk takes you to Anon's place.
- He never told you what his pet was but he did pay you alot of gems.
- Delicious gems, big ones too. Easy gems.
- As you push open the door you hear a shuffling movement within.
- Sounds kinda big, but then Anon is kinda bi-
- "Mmm- Mm- Ma- Ma- MANTICORE!"
- The manticore roars and you take off running.
- You can hear its feet pounding against the road as it chases you.
- This is worse than the timberwolves!
- -----------
- Screams disturb your reading.
- "What in the world?"
- Moving to a window you see fleeing, screaming ponies and-
- And Spike being chased by a Manticore!
- "SPIKE!"
- Acting quickly you teleport next to Spike.
- Then teleport him and yourself back.
- "We need to get the others!"
- -----------
- Your friends are gathered and now you're galloping after the manticore.
- It trashed the market but fortunately nopony has been hurt.
- And you aim to keep it that way.
- By Celestia this thing is fast.
- It's heading right for the train station.
- Ponies are scattering out of the way but you can see Anon just ahead.
- He isn't moving. Does he not see everypony running?
- The manticore is heading right at him.
- "ANON! LOOK OUT!"
- Anon turns around just in time for the manticore to leap at him, tackling him to the ground.
- You and your friends pour on extra speed, you have to save Anon.
- ----------
- "Who's a good boy? You are! Yes, you are! Miss me already?"
- Anon is rolling on the ground, play wrestling with the manticore.
- You, your friends and everypony who was at the train station are gathered round him, scrunching your snoozles super hard.
- Finally Applejack says what you're all thinking.
- "Anon. Why in the name of Celestia and Luna ARE YOU KEEPING A GOSH DARNED MANTICORE AS PET?!"
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "Behold! The Tree of Harmony!"
- Applejack waves her forelegs mystically while making ghost noises.
- You, Anon and everypony look at her like she's weird.
- "What y'all looking at? This is a special moment!"
- Anon is the first to turn back to the tree, while Dash starts ribbing Applejack for making ghost noises.
- "So this is what all the fuss is about."
- Anon moves to take a closer look at the tree and you can't help but think how much smaller it looks with him standing next to it.
- Oh, your flash cards. Anon wanted to know about the tree and you've prepared the best lecture ever.
- "Anon be careful!" What?
- Looking up from your cards, you see Anon place his hoof spider on the tree where the trunk and branches meet.
- The moment he makes contact a flash of white light blinds you.
- -----Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle-----
- "And then the Squirrel threw the nut at his head."
- The three of you erupt in laughter.
- "Verily Discord, thou tell most amusing tales."
- Discord beams at the compliment.
- "Well I have been known to spin a yarn or two."
- This is nice. And Discord is a welcome addition to Cake Hour.
- It's only natural you suppose. Discord is as ancient as you and Luna. And there's a certain mindset that comes with age and immortality.
- In short you get on well together, despite some past disagreements....
- Story swapping and chit-chat continues until Discord's eyes grow wide.
- And the pupils shrink to the size of a quill point.
- You share a confused look with Luna. "Discord is something wrong?"
- "Something terrible is happening in Ponyville."
- "What do you mean?"
- "We have to go to Ponyville now!"
- The note of distress in Discord's voice is all the encouragement you need.
- -----A short time later in ponyville-----
- Surveying ponyville, nothing seems amiss.
- But Discord still looks distraught, maybe it's something subtle.
- "Princess Celestia!"
- Twilight rushes towards you, looking beyond her you can see a large group of ponies gathered around Anon.
- "You got here so quickly, I only just sent the letter."
- "Letter? I di-"
- "Isn't it fantastic!? Anon got his cutie mark!"
- Oh, Anon got his- WHA?
- Both you and Luna go wide eyed with shock.
- Discord starts sweating buckets, it makes a tremendous racket.
- He floats over to Anon, leaving a trail of buckets. The crowd parts before him and then the scream.
- "IT'S UNSPEAKABLE"
- Trotting over you examine Anon's naked butt, there is indeed a cutie mark.
- A whitish gray diamond shape.
- "Congratulations Anon."
- "CONGRATULATIONS!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?"
- "Er, thanks Celestia. Though it's a bit strange."
- "IT'S THE SYMBOL OF ORDER! IT'S- IT'S- HIDEOUS!"
- "We would also like to offer our congratulations Anonymous."
- Screaming dramatically, Discord flops to the ground.
- "Nonny do you know what this means!"
- "A party?"
- "AAAAAAHHHRARGHL!"
- "No silly. A Cuteceañera!"
- "Would like to join us princesses?"
- "We'd love to Anon."
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "Well aren't you fillys just cute as the dickens."
- "You're Anon and Femanon?"
- "Yes. All our lives."
- "Say would you fillys like to hear about the time we met Fluttershy"
- "Not really..."
- "Oh must have been about 7 or 8 days ago, me and Femanon were out on this boat you see. All alone at night. When all of a sudden this cute creature, this yellow pegasus from ponyville comes out of the water."
- "It was so cute, lord have mercy I jumped up in the boat and I said 'Anon who is that cute pony!'"
- "It hovered above us looking down with these big cute eyes."
- "Oh it was so adorable."
- "And I yelled, I said 'What do you want from us pegasus!' and the pony flew down and said 'I need the HMD.'"
- "What's HMD?"
- "Hot Monkey Dick"
- "HMD"
- "She wanted to snuggle?"
- "That's right, I said 'I ain't giving you no dickings Fluttershy, go find yourself a damn stallion!'"
- "I gave her the HMV"
- "She gives her the HMV"
- "I thought she'd go away if I gave her the HMV"
- "Well of course she's not gonna go away Femanon, you 69 with her once she's gonna assume you'll do it again."
- ------------------
- "And that was the third time we saw a horny Fluttershy"
- "Then one time, I believe it was Hearths Warming."
- "Nightmare Night."
- "Nightmare Night, there's a knock on the door. I open it and there's this cute little filly."
- "She was so adorable with her little bow and all"
- "And she said to me 'How would you like to buy some cookies?' and I said 'Well what kind do you have?'"
- "She had thin mints, grain crunchy things."
- "Raisin Oatmeal."
- "Raisin Oatmeal. And I said 'We'll take a grain crunch, how much will that be' and she looked at me and she said 'I need one HMD'"
- "HMD"
- "Well it was about that time I noticed this filly was a 3 foot tall yellow pegasus from ponyville."
- "A horny Fluttershy"
- "I said 'Damn it Fluttershy, get off my lawn. I ain't givin you no hot monkey dick.'"
- "She said 'How about I just lick your testicles?'"
- "I said 'Oh now it's just testicles? Got a new fetish or something?'"
- "Lord she was angry"
- "Damn right I was angry"
- "Not you, Fluttershy, she was about to kick yo ass"
- "Ah shut your mouth FemAnon"
- "Look, will you just tell Twilight we were here?"
- "Sure, that crazy horny Fluttershy."
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "DAMN YOU! YOU STOLE MY ONE TRUE LOVE!"
- You awaken to the sound of shouting and crying.
- "CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!"
- Disentangling yourself from Discord sultry snake like body-
- Ooooooh, you can feel your wings rising already.
- Down girls.
- You make your way to window.
- Outside is Anon, clawing at the ground and wailing in agony.
- "MY TRUE LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE!"
- Slowly things click into place, you'd just revealed that Discord was your special somepony to your friends last night.
- Though Rarity insisted it was hardly secret.
- Could Anon have been secretly in love with you. Oh dear.
- "Fluttershy, what's all this racket?"
- "Anon is outside, I think he might have been in love with me. The poor dear must be heartbroken."
- Mustering up your courage you lean out the window.
- "I'm sorry Anon but I'm in love with Discord!"
- "YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME!"
- Oh dear, wait what? Him?!
- "Oh my!"
- It's worse than you thought. You look up at your special somepony, hoping for help.
- A strange grin creeps over his face.
- "Dearest Fluttershy, how do you feel about herds?"
- There's an audible fwomp as your wings shoot out.
- T- Two stallions? Oh my.
- /------------------------------------------------------/
- "Hey Celestia, what the hell is this thing?"
- You are currently in Canterlot castle because a Hydra stomped on your house in ponyville.
- And this is the only other place with human sized furniture, due the princess's size.
- Celestia has been giving you a tour.
- "It's a portal to another world, one of my students disappeared through it. I keep it in here in case she returns."
- Portal in the shape of a mirror, how cliche. What next a-
- A sudden and horrifying shiver shoots up your spine.
- Portal to another world.
- They might be able to use it to send you home.
- Dread washes over you, the cold, clammy onset of fear.
- You are not going back to that shithole planet.
- Destroy it, you must destroy it...
- Celestia's student, god damn it.
- "What was her name?"
- "Sunset Shimmer."
- "I'll be right back."
- You don't wait for a response before striding through the portal.
- ----------------------------------
- You are Flash Jerkwad and a giant ape is destroying the school.
- "Cool"
- Oh hey, he's kidnapping some chick, it's just like that movie you saw.
- Maybe a dragon will show up next.
- ----------------------------------
- Stepping clear of the portal you hurl the squirming pony in your arms at Celestia.
- "Hold this."
- With a confident stride you cross the room, pick up a chair and hurl it through the nearest window.
- Before the sound of smashing glass has begun to fade, you've already got the mirror halfway through the smashed window.
- "Anon! WAIT!"
- It's too late Celestia, it was always too late.
- Leaning out the window, you watch as the mirror splinters into a thousand pieces, Issac Newton works well with stone paved courtyards.
- Turning to the stunned Celestia and yellow pony, you adopt your best fatherly tone.
- "As of today, inter-dimensional shenanigans are banned in Equestria. I expect better from all of you in future."
- A little voice in your head wonders if you've gone mad.
- ----------------------------------
- A week later, by Royal Decree, dimensional magic was banned.
- Discord complained of course and no fatherly tone could dissuade him.
- So you took a leaf from Grandpa Anon's book. And threatened to take off your belt.
- He called your bluff, so you took off your belt.
- And your pants promptly fell down.
- Due to a misunderstanding of the situation, which you've so far failed to correct, he wisely reversed his decision.
- And now lives with Fluttershy.
- But most importantly of all, you never have to go back to Earth.
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