Oktoberfest One-Shot

There was a writefag challenge and things happened.  These are those things; an Anonymous issued the following story pitch.

"Anonymous, lamenting the lack of alcohol oriented festivities, tries to bring Oktoberfest to Equestria without actually knowing what it is?"

Here's my result, and I did indeed fail the challenge.

>Day [spoiler]alcoholism[/spoiler] in Equestria
>you are Anonymous, and you’re fucking dying here
>you roll on the floor, writhing in pain and chills as a strange, accidental cold-turkey quitting continues bitch slapping you around
>Twilight isn’t at all helpful
“Oh my gosh Anon, you’re getting worse!  You said you weren’t sick, but what’s wrong?”
>why won’t this purple horse just shut up
“Just tell me how I can help, Anon,” she cries, as Spike cowers nervously, looking at you like you’re a time bomb
>fetal position
>the shivers aren’t bad enough in this pose, you probably won’t bite your tongue
“Y-you wanna h-h…  Help?”
>her eyes are wide as she nods repeatedly
“Are you a fucking beer?”
>you see her look at you blankly
>she doesn’t even know what beer is
>you emit a loud, low-pitched moaning wail of endless pain and bottomless despair
>it’s met with Spike tripping over himself running away, and with the crying of Ponyville’s foals
>you’ve been here for days
>might be a week
>time doesn’t make sense any more, it feels like a month but that can’t be true
“Anon, stay with me!  What is beer?  Just what is it?”
>you throw up empty, save for thick yellow bile that burns everything from your throat to your lips with caustic fury
>coughing liquid acid, you wipe the mess of your face with your sweat-damped sleeve
“Booze, alcohol, firewater, ethanol, brew, drink, giggle juice, hooch, fucking C2H6O, you science horse girl toy!”
>she looks like she’s having a Eureka moment
>FINALLY
“You’re thirsty?  I’ll go get you something to drink right away!  Boy, your species has a strange reaction to dehydration, why didn’t you say something before?”
>that’s the only thing you’ve been doing for like the past five years
>well, withdrawals years
>probably more like hours for regular people
>you didn’t think much of it until it was too late
>you arrived here after one too many shots of some weird drink that was probably mostly grain alcohol
>by the time you got your first itches, you were being poked and prodded, bombarded with questions, hosed down for “smelling like the inside of a Diamond Dog’s loincloth”
>your quest for alcohol had brought you here, to the great Princess Twilight; she could apparently solve any problem with friendship or something
>honestly at the time it sounded like she just had a bunch of some kinda magic hipster beer called “friendship”
>made sense, a keg is friendship in a fucking bottle
>you gurgle meekly as a reply
>she trots back in a few agonizing moments later, all manners of flasks and pitchers in her magical grasp
“I have water, chocolate milk, apple juice, orange juice, carrot juice, lemon tea, green tea, milk, punch, sarsaparilla, cider-
“YES, CIDER!”
>you leap on all fours, eyes ablaze
>your moist, cold, pasty skin trembling with excitement
“EEEP!” she yells, practically dropping everything, scared out of her wits by your crazed attack at the cider
>the magic holds, by the skin of its teeth
“COME TO PAPA, LIFE BLOOD OF THE GODS!”
>you shove her out of the way, scattering all her other containers she’d fought to retain in her magical grasp
>all of them, save for the cider, redecorated her library
>oh well, can’t cry over spilled milk, got blub blub to glug glug
>you tip the mug back and whore-swallow the pint
>YES
>FINALL-
>wait
>something’s wrong
>no
>it can’t be
>this was like, that apple juice shit?
>you drop to your knees, weeping, and No the No of all Noes
>Vader himself felt that disturbance of No in the force
>this time, not only did foals start crying in Ponyville, but you’re pretty sure that killed a cat
“Oh my gosh, it’s worse than before,”
>what could possibly have alcohol here
>you run to Twilight
>she cowers under your shivering, panting mass
“Mouthwash.  Bring me mouthwash.  Lives depends on it,”
>she bursts into a flash of purple and pink sparks
>the bright flash pounds on your pained, headache-wracked noggin
>she reappears, but the pain is dulled by the bottle in her hoof
>you snatch it out of her hoof before she can open her mouth
>you rip the cap off with your teeth and squeeze the bottle like Homer teaching Bart parenting
>sweet merciful piss water this might actually have something alcohol related in it
>you crumble to the floor and suck the liquid down harder than a vacuum.  Harder than a black hole.  Harder than /lava/
>Twilight and Spike are dumbfounded
>Colgate hooves the door briskly, galloping in, looking confused and alarmed
“Princess Twilight?  Why in the world would you just teleport in my house to take some mouthwa-
>she stops talking as she sees you practically having oral sex with the container, and blushes
“I’ll go get more” she says, trotting off with a confused, but red-tinged smile
>Spike walks by with a mop and bucket, looking at you warily, sighing, and saying
“I guess we don’t have to worry about him smelling like spew anymore,”
“Spike!  That’s really rude!  We don’t know much about his species, this was clearly a serious condition of…  What was all that anyway?”
>you’re shaky, covered in countless types of fluids, but now you’re scared
>do you tell her you’re a hopeless alcoholic?
>that you were pretty much drinking yourself to an early grave?
>that the last solid meal you had was probably a week ago?
>what would they all think of you?
>she looks at you, with her big, adorable, sparkling eyes
>you just can’t
“Uuhh…  Eehhh…  Oh…  Ooh…  Ooooktoberfest!  Yes, Oktoberfest!”
>Twilight and Spike exchange confused glances
“It’s uhhh…  Really important, for my species!  We can like, get really sick if we don’t have Oktoberfest at least once a year.  Preferably twice.  Some places have it like six times.  I was really busy and I missed the big annual Oktoberfest, then I came here, somehow”
>your burnt-out brain is just farting words out of your mouth
>they both look at you, dumbfounded
“Oktoberfest is this…”
>you don’t actually have the slightest fucking idea what it is, beyond a big party with booze and wooden shoes.  Also, those German bar wench outfits that totally lay rack in a wonderful little white basket of frilly cloth are involved
>Colgate gallops in with a bunch of mouthwash bottles
>she hands you one, slyly winking at you
>you don’t know how to react to a tiny horse giving you bedroom eyes
>but fuck it, you will ride dat pony if she keeps bringing you this minty shit
>you suck on the bottle as Colgate sits on her haunches, eye-screwing you as you drink, abscent-mindedly saying
“Sorry about the intrusion, Twilight, but um…  Oral hygiene is…  Really important.  Does he need a toothbrush and toothpaste?”
>you feel the contrasting numbness soothing what most people would feel as a burning sensation
>you love that horse for bringing you mouthwash now
>you give her the most lewd eyes you can and say
“Maybe later, if you’re up to showing me how to…  Do it,”
>Twilight looks at you both with a mixture of bewilderment and preemptive disgust
“As I was saying, Oktoberfest is this…  Ummm…  Ritual.  We have to put on these outfits, and drink beer.  Beer is like this stuff here, mouthwash, but made for Oktoberfest.  It’s really fun; there are games and contests too.  And dancing, and singing.  It’s like a party I guess.  But still a ritual!  Reaaaaally important ritual.  With lots of drinking.  We should set one up here; I bet you ponies would love it,”
>you just spew out whatever you can think of
>to make it believable, and also to entice the horses
>Twilight raises an eyebrow
“So if you don’t have this ritual-party thing you get sick?”
>you lie so hard with your “yes” that the very trees are convinced
“I’m really sorry I acted the way I did, I shouldn’t have missed my Oktoberfest in my world.  I apologize for wrecking your place and everything,”
“I forgive you Anon, it really wasn’t your fault, those side effects looked really severe,”
>they’re buying it, and you feel your heart imploding slowly
>numbed by poison in your veins, you still feel it crushing itself with guilt
>you are lying to them about yourself, so you can lie to them about what’s going on, so they can
>you drink another bottle as Colgate hands them to you
>it’s nothing more alcohol won’t solve
>it’s how all the other problems go away
“So, Anon, what should we do if we wanted to set up one of these Oktoberfest things?”
“Well first, we have to brew beer.  After that, I think Pinkie would be able to take care of a few things.”
>you start making stuff up as you go
>you’re probably a half dozen bottles down, feeling like your old numb self again
>they smile at you, clean you up
>their selflessness in reply to your lies hurts in waves, so you drink some more
>Colgate is looking pretty cute now
“Yeah, yeah, like that.  There are no chairs in Oktoberfests, just short tables.  Everyone sits on the ground, so if they’re too dr…  I mean tired, they can just sleep without falling off their chairs,”
>you meet every lie with a long, deep swig
“I guess that makes sense,” says Twilight, eyebrow raised
>was that doubt?
“Uhhh…  We’re taller, so falling from our chairs can hurt,”
“Oh, right, yeah, of course!”
>she smiles innocently and trots off, floating chairs away with hazy hues of magic
>that smile
>you take another swig
>everything was getting as hazy as her magic now
>you hide your shitfaced state without too much trouble
>you’re now solidly sloshed, but it still hurts
>you drink some more
“Nonny!  I can’t believe you’re throwing this super duper party from your own world here!  That’s so awesome, I can’t wait to party like you hoo-manz do, it’ll be another party in my party repertoire,”
>Pinkie bounces, he mouth moving faster than your eyes can follow
>you’re not sure if that’s just the drunk but shit she’s quick
“Y-yeah, no problem, I just hope you guys have tons of fun,”
>you’re already finishing another bottle, trying to stay one step ahead of the guilt
“Anon I don’t think you’re supposed to drink mouthwash,” adds Pinkie
>you look at her
>her childlike statements hit harder than pretty much everything else
“It’s uhhh…  Species thing,”
>you manage to mumble a reply
>they plan the Oktoberfest for tonight
>something feels wrong
>you can’t tell if it’s physical or mental anymore
>it just feels sick, everything hurts
>you have Applejack and Twilight brew the first beer in Equestrian history, using a combination of magic and Applejack’s knowledge of grains, and hops
>Colgate looks a little down now that you aren’t throwing back bottles of mouthwash
>this beer ain’t bad, for a first attempt with unicorn magic
>you take another swig
>things get blurry
>the afternoon goes by in a bit of a blur
>you don’t know if they’re noticing how utterly smashed you are at this point
>you don’t feel much now
>it’s like you’re back in your groove
>you can smile again
>Pinkie is hilarious, but now she’s dangerously funny
>as the sun begins to set, you see blurry pony shapes and muddled voices christening the first Oktoberfest Ritual Party in Equestria
>the festivities being, somewhat chaotically
>you are ambushed by Colgate, who shoves you behind a tent and starts brushing your teeth
>you don’t know why you’re aroused, but she’s a wizard with that toothbrush
>she does things in your mouth you didn’t know possible
>you manage to fight off whiskey dick as you brush her teeth
>shit gets weird when you drunkenly poke her in the nose with the brush
>you’d be amazed how hard it is to brush a pony’s teeth while giving her the penis
>Colgate gets a little pushy at this point, shoves you down, and starts riding you while furiously cleaning your teeth
>you just lay back, overwhelmed
“You like it rough, hoo-man?  Aaahhnn…  Yeah…  How does it feel to have your gums cleaned…  Your teeth are going to spaAAAhhhnn…  Sparkle so haard…  Take it like a first year dental hygienist, you orally demanding hoaaoohmygoshrightthere, yes, YES, YES!  CLEAN ME WITH YOUR TOOTHPASTE, ANON, SQUIRT IT IN ME NOOOWWW!”
>she almost chokes you with the toothbrush as you pop your paste tube inside
>she crumbles on top of you, her mane messed up, covered in toothpaste (both kinds), panting between incoherent rambling of the importance of calcium, and flossing
>you slowly get back up, drinking from whatever was closest
>you can’t feel your mouth any more, you have no idea what that was
>from Colgate’s expression, it was probably more mouthwash
>the party was in full tilt now, ponies were starting to get drunk for the first time in the history of this world
>they had been too busy singing and dancing to notice your sexuadental adventure
>Colgate and you are leaning on each other
>she’s weak at the knees from your endurance, and you’re just fucking gone
“Anon…  Wow…  We should sit down and have something to drink, that was wonderful,”
>not a bad idea
>you both sit against a barrel and watch the festivities
>ponies looked pretty good in the costumes you’d described
>Colgate lays her head on your lap, looking up at you
“Anon, I never knew that any creature would understand me, my needs, like you do,”
>you barely register her words as you down another mug
“Thanks Anon,”
>that wakes you up out of your stupor
>why is she…
“I’m just happy to have met you, and I’m glad we could spend this Oktoberfest thing together like this,”
>she looks you in the eyes, her feelings genuine and so warm you feel like you’re sober
>it was all a lie
>you grab another mug
“Heh, you really like that stuff, hunh Anon,”
>you pet her stomach, mumbling through numb lips
“Yeah…”
>Twilight and Pinkie Pie walk by
>they’re all blurry
“Nonny, this is like the best thing ever!  This “beer” stuff tastes a little funny but then everything is even more funny!”
>Twilight’s got a healthy blush going
“Yeah,” she hiccups, continuing in a slur “it makes you all wobbly too,”
“Thanks Anon, for Oktoberfest, for everything,” says Pinkie
>Twilight thanks you in turn, almost tipping over
>you see Spike drinking
>isn’t he young
>the sick feeling you had washes back over you
>you see ponies behind tents throwing up
>a fight breaks out in the contest tent
>Pinkie, Colgate, and Twilight look at you, their eyes hazy reflections of how you started out
>you shut it all out with another mug
>and another
>and another
>the world dims, and fades into a numb obscurity
>the paramedics find your body a week later when your landlady notices a terrible smell
>smeared on the floor next to you reads the words “I’m sorry”, in toothpaste
>today was a [spoiler]BRUSH YOUR TEETH[/spoiler] day in Equestria