Imagine a temple of stalwart masculinity. Entertainment from anything less than a perfect Jack and Coke or a tall brunette is insulting to him. The closest he has ever been to another man is when his father left him. A true immovable object, defying the unstoppable forces. Now, imagine the opposite of all of that and you have, approximately, what I am. I sweat glitter, ritually lather myself in baby oil, and lisp harder than Mike Tyson. I chose to be gay when, one fateful day many yesterdays ago, when I first saw Guldrek. It wasn’t his beauty, or his unyielding hunty-ass basicness, but it was his unrelentingly ugly face that made me realize that the female gender is now forever tarnished by his advances. Since then, I have spent most of my days drinking Starbucks and praying the gay away. My afternoons and nights share me either playing WoW or looking for dick on Grindr so big it can fill the void in my soul. Dick pictures can help me in my time of need, please donate now.

Raiding comes secondary to my loyalty in my fellow raiders, but I am otherwise annoyingly competitive. When a significant portion of the members of guilds I am in stop raiding, I tend to take breaks from the game. I spent Vanilla as a priest – completely unaware of what quests where. “Why are the NPCs so excited to see me?” I thought like a dumbass. I have vague memories of healing Blackwing Lair as a priest. I remained a priest throughout BC and healed until the end of Black Temple. Around this time I experimented, sexually and otherwise, with mages and rotated main characters until my guild imploded on the Trial of the Crusader. It was then I decided to take raiding more seriously, and ironically made a DK my new main being displeased with priest changes. The entirety of Cataclysm was ran and cleared well before nerfs, until of course I insisted on being a monk in Mists. The guild leader of my old guild was insatiably hot, in a picture taken 20 years ago, but had homophobic issues with my hunty ass. I raided all of Mists as a Mistweaver right until SoO and never set foot in it to take a break until WoD. Mists difficulties were all cleared, pre-nerfed, yet I had just transferred to another server, Tichondrius, just based on its more even faction diversity, and ended up in Harmonium for the first of mythic content. We had cleared most of the mythic bosses of Highmaul until Blackrock came out, to which a similar level of clearing happened. However, something of unspeakable terror happened that made me have to respectfully walk away from the game, and I will explain this below.

You’ve probably heard enough about the less-than-stellar Harmonium-Accelerate merger that cesarean-birthed Ichor from those individuals such as Zealhorn or Kelophenic the healer that fake tanks. The earlier parts of my guild history are mysterious, enigmatic, or I just forgot about them. I have raided with 3 guilds predominantly. The first one became hostile because the guild leader was an old, militaristic drunkard. My second guild ended around the end of Mists because the two tanks simultaneously quit after a raid. There were no more raiders left in the guild by midnight. The third guild, Harmonium, I joined the moment they started Mythic Highmaul, until the group started to fizzle out near the end of Blackrock. Skip a few boring details and the guild now has full control by the leader of the other guild in the merger and abused the power enough to cause a chain reaction of Harmonium members to leave the guild. A colossal flop, I would say.

Texas and Florida Public Education School Systems ™ can likely vouch for the unwavering jadedness that is my personality thanks to homophobic bullying. I would be incredibly surprised if anyone was able to offend me for any reason whatsoever. It would be more likely that I would offend others, by describing the extent, to which, they are either A) fake, B) an ass, C) a bitch, D) a hunty, or E) any combination of the previous. Rolling around tends to avoid any or all catastrophic raiding failures. As one of the two, perhaps three, capable Mistweavers of my server it’s not often anyone catches a mistake of mine or even knows what I do in raids. The green buttons, mist, armpit sweat, lick the totem sensually; it’s quite straightforward.